the difficulty of an asexual/sexual marriage.

[Orbit]

I know there are many sexuals here who are married to asexuals and looking for support... I wish you could talk your spouses/partners into coming on here to talk to those of us who are asexual and married to sexuals... but I know it isn't just the idea of talking to someone, but often the whole internet forum thing that just isn't some peoples thing - my husband for instance doesn't like to come on line in that way. (he just looks up sports and uses it for banking and what not)

It's really starting to hit me how many relationships out there are suffering because of these issues, and how many asexuals are just giving up trying, and both sides are feeling so alone in their struggles.

This thread I'm starting is just to sort of vent and look for other married asexuals to talk to - I posted it in this forum because in the others there are so many asexuals not in relationships - and I think hearing the struggles of the asexual in the relationship might help to enlighten some sexuals in relationships to what's going on inside of some of us.

My husband and I have an awesome relationship, but I still struggle from time to time, and I had a moment tonight that was especially difficult. We were watching James Bond "Die another Day" and flipping the channels here and there on commercials and it just seemed like SEX was everywhere - in jokes, selling things, and I was just making snide comments and rolling my eyes :roll: and wolf was laughing at me like he always does. him: "You and your sex thing" - me: "No, me and my reaction to the world and IT'S sex thing" *chuckle - giggle -tickle*

Then, at one point during the obligitory sex scenes - Bond has to have at least 2 women, one bad one good (good one 2x) - I just started crying... I know that passion is fake, that Pierce and Halle are just acting, and the characters weren't really 'in love' - but it still seemed so beautiful that two people could actually want each other and share sex in a way that they both enjoyed it. I started to feel really 'broken' again. :cry: I kept thinking my husband wants that and would be so much happier with someone who could give it to him.

Wolf of course asked me what was wrong and we talked and he reassured me he loves me as I am and doesn't want anyone else no matter what. It makes me love him all the more that even though he likes and to a point needs sex, that's not what he loves - it's not about the 'great sex' he could be having, it's about having sex with the one he loves.... It's so easy to lose sight of that because the culture doesn't present sex that way at all. I have to keep focused on my relationship and what we have and *pun intended* skrew what the tv and movies say sex should be.

Just wanted to share... :D

hawke

[Tereya Chan]

Thank you Hawke for your uplifting post. I've been feeling "broken" lately myself, and knowing that you can have such a loving, supportive marriage gives me hope that I can hopefully find that kind of love.

And till then, I can do my best to be happy with myself as I am.

[sonofzeal]

That was a really moving post. I'm a sexual and I hope that when I'm married, whether to an asexual or not, I'll be as understanding and wise as your partner seems to be.

He's right though, about the difference between being with someone who's all passionate and stuff, and being with someone he loves. ~Forbidden Fury~'s posts were a great help to me in understanding that area, and I'm convinced she's right on the money with the difference between primary and secondary sexual attraction, which is what your husband's talking about too, I think. I'd explain, but she does a much better job of it.

[Bluegrey]

Well, I'm here, as someone married to someone highly sexual, although very new. I'm still new enough I'm not sure of whether or not I count as asexual or just someone with a very, very low drive. I have found myself being uncomfortable around friends who joke about sex constantly - the sex does not bother me, but the implicit assumption that I am always interested is a little tiring and is begining to make some of those conversations boring for me. Not distressing in any way, just...a little pointless. Like being a cricket fan around football fans when the game's on.

[Somara]

Nice post:) I'm sexual with a ( I believe to be ) asexual. I'm just recently "enlightened" as to asexuality, I can't get my SO to come here, read about it or even discuss it. But of course I"m not giving up. Hurts me to think he feels different, not normal, "broken". I feel broken some days, like there is something so wrong with with me for having a high sex drive ( actually my sex drive never used to be very high, but I always want what I can't have so the more he doesn't want to have sex the more I want to, and then when we do finally have sex I feel like a cheap ho & am miserable ). Sex really does complicate things huh? I just wish we could be on the same page! I have such a complex from 8 yrs of this I really have to wonder what kind of lasting effect this is going to have on me. I don't even know if we can work our relationship out right now. Not from the asexuality but due to it...and yea most of that I've probably inflicted on myself, like wondering if he was gay, cheating, if I was so fat, ugly or disgusting that he couldn't stand to touch me, embarrassment,thoughts that he must not really love me. I've ended up with severe self esteem issues, I can't seem to trust him because of my own thoughts. But at least I have found this place, and some people with very happy sexual/asexual relationships. Gives me hope :)

[Sweet_Sindelle]

:D Thank-you Hawke :D

You have been an inspiration to me since I joined AVEN just a few days ago. I think it is amazing the relationship that you and your husband have. I like to think that there is more to a marriage then just SEX, the should be more to a marriage then just SEX. As you know in my position its not looking to hopeful in that sense.

I have added the AVEN site to my favorites so that my husband could have a look at what I had discovered. I have him the gist of the site and explained to him that everything that I have learned from the site, fits me. He looked at the site maybe for 5 minutes and said so where do we go from here, are you still going to see if you can get an appointment with the sex-therapist.. I told him there was no way he could have got any information in 5 minutes. He said that it would take him days to go through all the information on the site. He said so is there anything you can do about your condition. I told him its not a condition its who I am.

I hope that I can be as fortunate as you have been and maybe I can work together with my husband to come up with a solution that works for both of us. But, if by chance that is not able to happen its nice to know YOU and other AVEN members are here to support those of us who are just now discovering ourselves. It is so relieving to know that I am not a lonely nut a world filled with jelly beans.

[MaraKarina]

yes, there certainly should be more to a marriage than sex. Sex shouldn't even be the most important of several things in a marriage. Yet, for sexuals the lack of it - or much, much more so the partner never really desiring to have sex with you - from everything I've noticed leads to a similar pattern of "side-effects" for the sexual, such as putting on weight, doubting oneself, low self-esteem etc.

Whatever do work our with your partner, you'll also have to deal with these things for your own sake, because they might really become troubling eventually if you don't.

[starrysky]

My husband and I have an awesome relationship, but I still struggle from time to time, and I had a moment tonight that was especially difficult. We were watching James Bond "Die another Day" and flipping the channels here and there on commercials and it just seemed like SEX was everywhere - in jokes, selling things, and I was just making snide comments and rolling my eyes :roll: and wolf was laughing at me like he always does. him: "You and your sex thing" - me: "No, me and my reaction to the world and IT'S sex thing" *chuckle - giggle -tickle*

Then, at one point during the obligitory sex scenes - Bond has to have at least 2 women, one bad one good (good one 2x) - I just started crying... I know that passion is fake, that Pierce and Halle are just acting, and the characters weren't really 'in love' - but it still seemed so beautiful that two people could actually want each other and share sex in a way that they both enjoyed it. I started to feel really 'broken' again. :cry: I kept thinking my husband wants that and would be so much happier with someone who could give it to him.

I sooooo know what you mean... there's so much sex in movies/TV/music, I feel like it's always being rubbed in my face. "These women have what you don't, they can give men what you can't--look how easy it is for them. Let me remind you a little more in case you forgot." Even something as innoculous as a Bond movie (to use your example) can make me feel like I'm a bad wife.

And even if my husband says he's OK with things as they are, I can't help but wonder if he isn't telling me the whole truth to spare my feelings. I am not completely honest with him to spare his feelings, so if he was doing the same, I couldn't fault him for it. If I told him it disgusted me and I want to shove his hands away when he touches me, that would probably ruin the times he does get to have sex with me. Even if I said, it's not you it's me, he couldn't help but feel like "ewww I make her feel like THAT? What's wrong with me?"

I am trying to think of it as one of the favors we do because we love each other, like how if he had the day off and I didn't, he'd take the dog out for me in the morning. But sex is way more icky than taking the dog out and it doesn't feel like an invasion of your body. I go back and forth between thinking I'm OK with it and thinking I will puke if I have to do it again. Sometimes I think I can't stand it even one more time, but it's been several years since the first time I felt that way, so I guess it's not as bad as I think.

I am sorry that anyone else has these kinds of feelings, but it is good to know I'm not the only person who deals with this.

[MaraKarina]

I sooooo know what you mean... there's so much sex in movies/TV/music, I feel like it's always being rubbed in my face. "These women have what you don't, they can give men what you can't--look how easy it is for them. Let me remind you a little more in case you forgot." Even something as innoculous as a Bond movie (to use your example) can make me feel like I'm a bad wife.

In our relationship I'm the sexual and my husband the asexual.

It appears that he is not the least affected by such scenes. It could be that he simply hides it, but he generally never shows an interest or disgust in such things.

But it has the same effect on me that it has on you. I blamed myself for years that I didn't manage to turn my husband on and tried all sorts of things, and seeing such a scene reminded me of what I usually tried not to think about but which I was missing in our marriage, and it showed women with socalled perfect bodies and dress that I started wondering if I was just too ..... whatever.

[whistler]

I am a female in a LTR with an asexual. I think it may be easier for my situation than others. I am a highly sexual female, but I have extremely high emotional needs. As long as emotional needs are met I'm fine. Well, fine enough to stay faithful and truthful. Not fine enough not to wish and want.

Sex is all over the media. As a sexual in a non-sexual relationship, it bothers me. Things tantalize me when I have no intention of them doing so. I feel myself attracted to people I wouldn't be. Sex in media is bad for everyone. It idealizes sexuality as much as most models idealize what bodies should look like. It tells me I should have sex 2 to 3 times weekly (if not daily depending on the show), not once a year. That's horrendous. It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel like convincing my partner to play along with the media. That's wrong and hurtful. Being as my emotional needs are high, I think I can empathize with you Hawke. I'm not saying you are emotionally needy, just that our "love drives" seem to match. We both love someone deeply, enjoy their company, and cannot fulfill the needs of everyone in the relationship. We may be on opposite sides, but the feelings are similar. I watch my friends in "normal" relationships, and I don't think they're faring much better. They all seem to be at odds with each other and fighting over basic life things, I don't have that in my relationship. It just makes me look at mine and be grateful for what I do have.

It's not the sex, it's where you stand in regards to love and how you can express it. My side I would love the sexual relationship, but I put so much energy into the emotional one I can't go outside, so there is no sexual relationship for me. I love my life and I love my SO. Giving up sex is very hard, and I agree media pushing in my face what others supposedly have, makes it much harder.

Aurora

[Aeriel]

It's really starting to hit me how many relationships out there are suffering because of these issues, and how many asexuals are just giving up trying, and both sides are feeling so alone in their struggles.

This thread I'm starting is just to sort of vent and look for other married asexuals to talk to - I posted it in this forum because in the others there are so many asexuals not in relationships - and I think hearing the struggles of the asexual in the relationship might help to enlighten some sexuals in relationships to what's going on inside of some of us.

Hi Hawke and thanks for starting this thread. I'm an asexual, married to a sexual for 30 years. I still haven't "come out" to my husband or family; however if I did their reaction would probably be, "Duh - it took you this long to figure it out?" Although I was not completely celibate for most of the 30 years, I avoided sex as much as I could and was revolted (to the point of throwing up afterwards) when I couldn't.

I would love to be open about my asexuality with my husband; but I cannot think of any way of doing this without hurting him with the obvious conclusion: "You mean every time we had sex, you were disgusted and had no pleasure?" How can one convey the truth without being so unkind?

Any suggestions would be much appreciated. I feel I've spent years being dishonest; although now in later life the sex/no sex issue is in the background of my life, I still feel I'm carrying a burden. My instinct is to continue as we are and say nothing. What do you think?

[Orbit]

Hi Aeriel.

Something my husband and I have been talking about in regards to asexual/sexual difficulties is that they are no different than other difficulties a couple could have. And if 'sex' seems to be the big number one issue that is the cause of all the conflict, then there are more than likely some other issues that are hiding behind it because sex stands out so glaringly.

I cant' speak to other couples, because every situation is different and all of us have our own baggage and wounds from life. But one of the most important things in my relationship that makes our glaring sexual difference barable is that we have worked very, very hard on our communication skills and sensitivity with each other. We're honest, kind and don't take what the other person feels as an insult (well, that's the GOAL anyway).

It sounds to me, that you have spoken of two problems - sexual differences and the inability to speak honestly with your husband without fear. Before you work on the sex issue, work on the communication - no-sex issues first. Test the waters with other things, and if he reacts badly don't crawl in a hole, but try to work on getting to a place where you're saying things kindly, and he takes it for what it is and doesn't get hurt. And do the reverse too - see if there are things he wants to tell you that he's afraid to, and do your darnedest to understand...

Maybe I'm totally off here, and you can talk to him freely and confidently about EVERYTHING else, but this was just my first reaction based on conversations my husband and I have had on how we worked through our issues.

hawke

[walrus]

Hey there Hawke, the entire matter of relational conflict is a field unto itself. Although the additional stresses of a sexual/asexual relationship seem to revolve around matters pertaining to sex, the truth remains that couples very rarely fight about what they think they are fighting about.

Sex is just a convenient subject to bring up. The sexual is, of course, firmly in the grast of their raging hormones and emotional voids, so it is indeed a valid conflict. But as your husband and (to a degree) I have proven, it can be addressed in many manners.

If my wife has infuriated me with some behavior not related to sex whatsoever and a sexual related opening occurs, I might just use the sexual issue. Although I may be saying that once a decade just isn't enough, the real stimulii may be that I am seething over her putting starch in my underwear.

There is a very good book that has all of the answers to these problems ... unfortunately nobody has told me the name of it ... LOLOLOL

BTW, good to see you.

[Aeriel]

Hawke and walrus, thanks for taking time to reply.

Hawke, you are very perceptive: this is first and foremost a problem of communication, and communication about things that really matter is almost non-existent in this relationship. There are a lot of reasons for this which aren't germane to this discussion so I won't go into them. That's a situation that can only change if both parties are willing to work on it, and he definitely is not.

So, I guess I have my answer: I'll keep this to myself.