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I always thought I wanted a boyfriend, but now? I'm not so sure...


RazFighter

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RazFighter

Hello, so, yeah, my second post and it's quite more serious and distressing than the last. Anyways, I've been comfortably applying the label of Panromantic Asexual to myself for the past few years, yet for the longest time I've always thought I wanted a boyfriend or girlfriend. Now, for the first time ever in my entire life, I have a boyfriend! Cool right? Well, the thing is I've known the guy since middle school. We've been friends for a very long time. I thought I would be cool with being his girlfriend because of this. And I always wanted to try this dating thing all my heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual friends were talking about. But now I'm not so sure. I feel like I liked him more when we were just friends and that's one point that's distressing me a bit. But almost instantly after the whole big confession the use of sweet lovey terms were being used and poetic, flowery messages, and I wasn't and still am not sure on how to reply to those. I've always been a gruff/rough sort.

Then there's the touching! Intuitively, I knew that being someones significant other would equal an increased level of touching, and I personally never thought I was touch aversed, so I thought I was good. I love giving out hugs to my closest friends and family! But, well, we've only been together for about 2-3 weeks and went on our first "real" date a few days ago. There was lot's of arm over the shoulder, leaning on me, hand holding, and at the end a quick peck on the cheeks after he dropped me off back home. All very romantic and pretty dang innocent. And yet, most of it felt awkward/mildly uncomfortable to me, especially the kiss. Heck, when he gave me a hand holding cue that I actually picked up (since I'm normally slow on the uptake anyways) I debated on whether I should ignore it or not since I was mildly nervous/uneasy about doing so (every time during the date I held his hand anyways).

Also, I'm not completely sure if he's fully aware that I'm Asexual? 'Cause he made a joking reference towards me about wanting to makeout, which definitely made me recoil when I read the message. I don't keep my sexuality a secret, but I also don't normally shout it out to the world unless I see a funny ace joke meme on tumblr or facebook.

I also don't want to hurt his feelings because he seems quite genuine and we've been friends for a long time until now, where our relationship has changed from friends to girlfriend/boyfriend.

This is also my very first relationship of this kind, at an age that a lot of others would consider late for their first boyfriend, and I definitely am feeling like I'm flailing in water.

Any thoughts or advice? I would greatly appreciate it.

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masterplan

Are you sure that you are romantically interested in him and not just interested in the concept of a relationship? Your story somewhat reminds me of my own experience. A few years ago a guy I barely knew offered to be my boyfriend. I thought it would be good for me to experience dating someone as I typically avoid these things. At first I thought he was a sweet guy, but that is where it mostly remained. All the romantic things became a drag and I never initiated anything in the beginning, not noticing the signals. He turned out to not be my type at all, but I did not realize immediately because I thought it would happen after a while. It never did, he turned out to be abusive and never convinced me of being good partner material which made the romantic stuff even worse. I wanted a relationship, but he was definitely not the right person for me even though we could have been good friends.

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^Yah, do you even feel romantically for him?

Also, everyone has their romantic preferences and it's normal for over-reciprocation (and unreciprocation) to be a turn off. Secondly, you're supposed to tell a partner you're asexual on the first date (third if you're strangers). Don't just say you're asexual, fully explain it because there are commonly misconceptions. So say you don't desire sex, your stance on sexually compromising, and any other do's and don't's. Thirdly, don't assume peoples mentalities are as fragile as a butterfly. He can most likely take rejection and has had it many times before; that's what relationships are about. Also, it's a common rule to not date close/best friends because people rarely stay friends after they break up, and even if they do it changes their relationship (typically negatively). But since you've only been dating him for a short time the recoil may not be as bad. If you date someone in the future you need to ask yourself "is it worth risking this friendship?"

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RazFighter

Thank you for such quick replies!

I could've sworn I felt romantically for him, because he's the first person I've accepted to date. But I think you may be right in that I'm more interested in the concept than the actual thing? I'll have to sit and think hard on it longer.

I never really thought to directly address that I'm asexual since I just assumed that he knew due to us knowing each other for so long(wrong of me to do now that I think about it more clearly). It's a little more difficult for me to really know my limits or dog's and don't with me being so new to all this.

I try my best to not assume others are fragile and all though as much as I hate to admit it I can be sensitive myself, so I try not to do things in a way where if it was reversed then my feelings were hurt (I hope I'm clear here because I couldn't really find the right wording).

I honestly forgot about that common rule, and thought it'd be nice to date someone I already knew pretty well.

Now that it's been more than a couple of days since our date I feel that I might have reacted more than a little immaturely. I'm normally much more collected than that, even if I'm out of my element.

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Romantic attraction isn't being ok with dating someone, it's an emotion. And there are other types of attraction that you may have been mistaking for romantic attraction. I've had friends i was willing to date, but fact was i didn't feel romantically about them (and thus didn't date them).

Here's a list of attractions:

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. They can all be felt separately, without romantic attraction, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no sexual desire/desire to act on it, or romantic desire with no romantic attraction), but constantly having either of those means the person is sexual/romantic/gray.

ยท Sexual attraction - the impulse to have sex with a specific person; to give/receive genital involving things from them. Synonyms are sexually alluring, sexually appealing, sexually enticing, sexually tempting, etc.

ยท Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). This is the base requirement, but some people also have a physical reaction to the feeling and others donโ€™t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those can also be symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

ยท Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their beauty and/or mannerisms, which is different from just recognizing good looks/whatโ€™s aesthetically pleasing.

ยท Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

ยท Sensual attraction - the impulse to have non-genital physical contact with someone specific.

ยท Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

ยท And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

ยท Itโ€™s also possible to feel queerplatonically about someone. A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is a platonic relationship that has (or is desired to have) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship (excluding non-platonic things like sex and making out, although chaste kissing can be platonic depending on how itโ€™s done). This kind of relationship can include an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm and/or displaying platonic physical contact above the norm. Some describe it as "super best friends." Itโ€™s also known as romantic/passionate friendship, life partner, Boston Marriage, and bromance/womance (latter aka shemance, sismance, and less popular due to clash with other words; hermance). They may or may not have monogamy, live together, sleep in the same room, have kids, or be mistaken for a couple. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.

(Some include sex and non-platonic physical actions like foreplay under this term; i.e. say that it only means absence in romantic feelings, but those things are factually not platonic by definition so it's a misunderstanding. Every dictionary defines platonic as non-sexual, and a minority include non-romantic. Quasiplatonic; created for those who want to avoid the use of queer, is also inaccurate because the prefix means the reverse. Aliplatonic has been a suggested alternative. If someone has a relationship that displays queerplatonically but one has romantic feelings and the other doesn't, then it's up to them on whether they call their relationship QP or romantic.)

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banana monkey

Secondly, you're supposed to tell a partner you're asexual on the first date (third if you're strangers).

Sorry, i disagree. Whilst I agree it may be a good idea for most people, it totally depends on the person and the situation. "Supposed" is prehaps the wrong word. Everyone is different and each relationship is different. For example, I didnt tell my ex on the first date (I dont think we even had one but you get what I mean) because it made me feel awkward, and in my opinion it was not relevant to our relationship at the time. (ie we were more like romantic friends in my opinion). At the time, I didn't know how to explain it in a way he would understand and he never showed any sexual interest in me (and very little romantic interest) When he started talking about the future, long term etc (about 5 months in) I knew it was time to tell him.as I suddenly realised the relationship had become serious for him whilst it was still kinda casual for me and so it was unfair not to. I had been thinking about it for a little while and I tried a few times but it just made me feel really uncomfortable, when I finally got round to it, I clammed up ie the words were in my head but I physically couldnt open my mouth (I actually lost my voice) due to the anxiety.

You need to be comfortable enough to explain it when you come out to anyone and that may be at any point in a relationship, but you should tell them once they start to have sexual expectations or think longterm (maybe get emotionally invested is what I mean) which for some may be quicker than others. (for us it wasnt until about 4 months or later.

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Not telling someone upfront is leading them on. Sex may not be something happening early in some relationships, but it will be and is expected by most people. So that's why you inform people of such (highly likely) dealbreakers very early into a relationship; so both parties time isn't wasted (on a likely pointless relationship that was doomed from the start). Many people agree about the one/three date rule.

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El-not-so-ace

Star Bit is right and I agree. Please just look at the forums or threads with sexuals dealing with this, many having said that if they knew earlier, they probably wouldn't have continued the relationship. But they were so attached by the time they were told, so they're trying to stay and make it work, making both miserable. But completely unfair to lie by omission when someone could fall so hard for you.

In my experience (relatively new) and my friends having many yeara of dating experience... guys don't usually get hints. The more we assume for them, it's usually more faulty than reality. You can always just bring up the topic casually to show him that asexuality exists. Like maybe "Oh, there was this interesting article about this asexual couple! What do you think?"

Then tell him as soon as you can if you care about him even a little. You owe it to him to be upfront.

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banana monkey

i get what your saying starbit and I kinda agree in most circumstances but you do need to be comfortable telling them. The situation was a bit different with my ex as we had been very close friends for years beforehand and everything he said/did etc seemed to indicate he wasnt interested in sex either (in fact someone else close to him said they thought that too) and I thought he knew I wasnt interested in a sexual relationship before we started. (In the end it seemed he didnt (so then I tried to tell him but failed) and me and the other person may have both been wrong and I learnt from experience) I just used it to illustrate that everyone is different and although it is considerate to tell early on, each situation is different so I disagree with "supposed". i didn't know it was generally considered a thing in common society to be thinking about a sexual relationship by the 3rd date. That really scares me.

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Uh, yah, it's common knowledge that people have sex on the third date (especially when the people are past highschool). The phrase "three date rule" exists for a reason. According to a somewhatly recent survey of 2,000 people, women typically wait till the 5th date now. I emphasize on the word wait because it could mean a few things; it may be that that's just when women start to desire it with their partner, OR women are ignoring their desires that long to make sure of certain things. I think the latter is most likely.

And what if being comfortable on the topic of your orientation never happens? Comfort isn't even needed, you just have to state it, that's it. Nothing complicated is needed, just "i don't desire sex with anyone, and i am/am not comfortable with sexually compromising (maybe list any other do's and don't's)". It can even be indirectly from you (i.e. phone txt, document txt, giving them a page to read on asexuality, etc.)

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violinspecialist

Yea i think i felt rather estranged from the girl at work whom I thought had a thing for me when SHE started invading my space and used me for a QPR

She demonstrated aesthetic attraction. She looked at me greedily with her eyes.

She demonstrated emotional attraction. She made curses at other people as though she wanted me to acknowledge her woes

She demonstrated sensual attraction. She would make very frequent trespasses into my personal space such that I would end up making brief contact with her hands arms and legs

She demonstrated romantic attraction. She got jealous when I looked at other attractive female coworkers and had conversations with them.

So it was a let down when I just said Hi to her on Valentines day and she completely gave me the stare down. In short I was used in her one sided QPR per the post above by Star Bit

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  • 2 weeks later...

Urgh, this isn't good. Going by the definitions posted I must be tricking myself or something 'cause with that definition I don't believe I feel romantically either. I thought that me being nervous was natural especially on the first date, since I'm a normally very reserved person and all. But now that I think about it more, when I got the confession message my knee jerk reaction before I calmed myself down after a few minutes was to stare in surprise(shock?) and say something along the lines of "Holy Crap!" And I thought I was really happy because I was already considering if I would be willing to date him when I finally started to pick up the signs/cues when we hung out before that time. But I guess that's the key word, huh? 'Willing'. And it sucks 'cause apparently he's liked me for a long time and I didn't even consider him that way until recently. And he's already told me about a plan that he'd like to visit another state with me. Maybe I'm balking because it's too fast? Because even though we've been friends since we were 13 we've only been dating for, what?, a month now? Technically?

I originally thought we'd be fine since we get along, have fun together, similar but not exactly the same interests, etc. But I guess I was just mistaking fond platonic feelings for romantic ones? I'm sighing deeply right now because if this is true I'm really disappointed in myself.

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Urgh, this isn't good. Going by the definitions posted I must be tricking myself or something 'cause with that definition I don't believe I feel romantically either. I thought that me being nervous was natural especially on the first date, since I'm a normally very reserved person and all. But now that I think about it more, when I got the confession message my knee jerk reaction before I calmed myself down after a few minutes was to stare in surprise(shock?) and say something along the lines of "Holy Crap!" And I thought I was really happy because I was already considering if I would be willing to date him when I finally started to pick up the signs/cues when we hung out before that time. But I guess that's the key word, huh? 'Willing'. And it sucks 'cause apparently he's liked me for a long time and I didn't even consider him that way until recently. And he's already told me about a plan that he'd like to visit another state with me. Maybe I'm balking because it's too fast? Because even though we've been friends since we were 13 we've only been dating for, what?, a month now? Technically?

I originally thought we'd be fine since we get along, have fun together, similar but not exactly the same interests, etc. But I guess I was just mistaking fond platonic feelings for romantic ones? I'm sighing deeply right now because if this is true I'm really disappointed in myself.

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Also, sorry for the double post. I'm starting to find out the website isn't all that friendly for my phone. Or at least my connections too slow at the moment or something. And I currently can't find the delete post option.

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I originally thought we'd be fine since we get along, have fun together, similar but not exactly the same interests, etc. But I guess I was just mistaking fond platonic feelings for romantic ones? I'm sighing deeply right now because if this is true I'm really disappointed in myself.

Yah, you can fool yourself into thinking you have a crush. I know this may not help much, but i did this when i was 5. I never had any friends prior, so when i felt the desire to befriend people (specifically boys due to the hetero norm) i would say i had a crush on them and act in a way i thought people with crushes were supposed to act. But if you were to ever ask me what i liked about/what attracted me to so-and-so I'd probably of had nothing to say.

Why do i remember this? <_< Because my parents wouldn't stop (occasionally) taunting me with my first crush (who was also my first friend and first neighbor) until mid junior high.

And yah, dating a month and wanting to go to distant places with you is moving pretty fast, unless you were already really really close friends before that or he has a thing for traveling in general, then maybe not so much. Being friends for a long time isn't the same thing as being close friends, or even best friends.

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Reading from your first post, you don't sound that fond of him, honestly... (although I could misinterpret things a lot so don't take my words for it)

It could be a possibility that things are moving too fast for you, indeed. Would it be possible to talk to him about it, and ask him to slow it down so you'd feel more comfortable? That could give you more time to figure out if your feelings are romantic or platonic. If they are romantic, then you'd need to be careful about the pace. If they're platonic, then it would be best, in my opinion, to tell him and break it off.

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  • 3 months later...

Hello everyone, I'm back. I feel like y'all deserve a bit of an update after giving me such good advice and things to think on.

It's been many months now since I last posted. Now, I remember how I mentioned things might have been moving too fast for me. They were, though now it's slowed down a bit.

After thinking long and hard about why I got into the relationship, the different attraction definitions, and asking some of my closest friends in person for advice as well, I've come to the conclusion that I was mistaking kind of strong platonic feelings for romantic ones.

Now, I have another problem, and I was wondering if anyone would be willing to give advice on this point too?

The problem is, how should I go about breaking it off with him since it wouldn't be fair to stay in the relationship when he romantically loves me so much more, and I've realized that I only have strong platonic feelings? I've attempted to break up once in person fairly recently already (since I believe over text/messenger is disrespectful), but I ended up chickening out and feeling immensely guilty(I think that's the right word to use here) because when he came over to my apartment he smiled and mentioned how good/happy he was to see me again, with a couple of complements on how I looked and stuff.

I've asked some of my close friends who've had at least 2 or more SO's before as well. The girls told me that I should do my best to muster up the courage to tell him in person, but my guy friends told me to just shoot out a text.

Also, if I make another attempt in person, what places would be appropriate? I wouldn't like to break up with him at his place, since I'd hate to leave bad memories in a place someone can't really avoid afterwards. And I already chickened out when he came over to my apartment.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and any more help would be greatly appreciated.

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Well, when I started dating my wife, as a way of explaining that she was 'a bit awkward about sex, shy and not so wild and free as other young women' she called herself" kind of asexual".Years later, she found out, that asexual was in fact what she was!

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I can totally relate with you on maybe wanting the idea of a relationship instead of an actual relationship. I think that's what I'm feeling as well and it's so freaking frustrating. This is what has led me to believe I'm probably aromantic as well as asexual (which I've known for about 7 months). I think I feel the same way you did about your friend/boyfriend in that you get along with the person great and think, wow we work we really together, it should probably be enough for me to like them romantically and date them, right? I think you've figured that out for yourself as well or something similar with being platonically attracted to someone.

As for ending the relationship now? I don't have any real world experience with that. Since you were friends before I would say the most important thing is to be honest while also making sure things are clear between you guys. I would tell him what you figured out about yourself and wrote in your latest post but also don't apologize for being yourself either. It is unfortunate that you had to figure this stuff out while in a relationship with somebody, especially somebody who you want to still be friends with, but sometimes that's how things get figured out.

Sorry, that's the best I can do. I hope things work out well for you :)

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Maybe I'm too late, but still my two cents.

The problem is, how should I go about breaking it off with him since it wouldn't be fair to stay in the relationship when he romantically loves me so much more, and I've realized that I only have strong platonic feelings?

Don't put the accent on "breaking" thing, make it about telling the truth and fully explaining it to him. Maybe there is a slight chance that he might accept (or even has accepted) your asexuality but you don't know it.

Imagine - if he knew all the truth about you, your feelings, do's and don'ts and whether you could play along and don't feel uncomfortable or repulsed when he desires to have sex with you, and if he would be completely ok with that, would you still want to break with him?

If you are asexual and aromantic, then platonic relationship from your side is all you can get, anyway. If your partner is ok with it then why break up? You will be surprised, but some guys are ok if they can give love even if they don't receive fully romantic feedback from partner, although unless they are asexual, they will need to have sex from time to time. That depends on their libido and sexual style. If his style is gentle and do only what and when you are completely in the mood (and if you are not sex-repulsed), then it actually might work out.

You both have to be completely open to each other and try it out. You don't need to actually have sex yet, but just play it out, find out your reaction to his body and genitals. Only if it is repulsive to you and if he is not asexual himself, then yes, unfortunately it won't work.

Also, after you tell him the truth, you might feel that some mental wall has been broken and you can be much more free and comfortable with him - this might open new possibilities in your relationship, in case if you manage to keep it.

I guess, you might want to call him and say that you want to have a serious talk with him. Meet him in some neutral, calm place. I'd say - some park or a rural area would be good, just pick the place where there is no chance that anyone might disturb you. Then tell him everything, but again - don't make it about breaking (unless you yourself don't feel like really wanting to break because even platonic relations doesn't work as you expected). Tell him that it's not his fault and that you are sorry that you might have wasted his time and that you didn't expect your relationship to develop so fast.

Openness is the key in any complicated relationships, and unfortunately aces have to deal with it. Don't make any assumptions about him, you don't know everything; ask questions, make him ask questions to get the right answers from you.

Take care.

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