karnzter Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Hi. I'm Karn. I've read about and discovered AVEN through an online search about asexuality. As of now, I'm currently searching the exact and proper term to describe myself. This initially started when I met a guy when I was in college. Despite who I was, he was always open to talk to me, even if it was for less than 5 minutes. He was one of the most friendly out of the other guys at the college. Eventually, I started to have feelings for him (emotionally, though it took me almost a year to develop them), but I had to keep it to myself to avoid being the butt of teases (I was bullied even for having crushes when I was in high school). The next year, he stopped going to school. I missed having those small chats every now and then. I was going through a rough time and I was hoping a small chat or a hello would lift my spirits up (bullying/prank that went wrong which worsened my anxiety and uncontrollable anger even more which lead me to my first 'unfinished' set of therapy sessions, shifted to another course that had similar subjects with my then-current because I was flunking from a major subject that had a notoriety of being very difficult even for those who are good with it...and I didn't tell my parents about it). Two collegemates told me that they have the guy's number so that we can text each other to keep in touch. Initially I didn't want to text the number for I know that he might think I'm stalking him. But I gave in. We started sending messages to each other and for awhile, I thought I was happy. To the point that I thought he may be my very first, and possibly, my only. Until a few days after, he stopped sending messages. I got concerned. Until one day, I talked to my cousin (who went to the same school as I do) about it and she asked me to let her see the number those two collegemates gave me. And that's when she told me that the number that was given to me wasn't from the guy. It was from one of the two students. I was (in a way) catfished. [Hopefully I'm not ranting and rambling way too long. I might be violating AVEN's ToU and/or annoying others] I confronted the two and they admitted it and told me that the reason they did that was for them to 'help' and 'to see me happy'. I got pissed and told them I was very upset for lying to me in such a vulnerable time of my life. One got suspended for a week (the one who owned the number), one didn't. And I got even more angry. Ever since then, I couldn't forgive them both and my trust issues started from there. The next thing I did was to ask for forgiveness from the actual guy and explain the entire incident to him. I even went as far as asking from a mutual friend his actual number and sending messages on Facebook, YM and Friendster just to let me talk to him. Until one time, both the mutual friend and the guy were both online on Facebook. I had to plead to the mutual friend to convince the guy to let me talk to him about the whole incident. The MF accepted my plea and did. Only to be relayed back that he knows about it. And said that he was okay about it. No need to explain. No need to ask for forgiveness. That was the last straw. It broke my heart completely. I've sinned for both parties and at the same time was already traumatized. I have a notoriety to always ask for forgiveness even for the smallest mistakes and explaining to others. I was disappointed. Minutes after, I decided to unfriend him on every social media account I had, even going as far as deactivating my Friendster and Multiply. Not FB though, as I have long-distance relatives on my friends list. The last time I saw him was 6 years back. When he visited the college. I was at that time trying to heal and/or move on while battling my inner demons and views on the world (I won't emphasize what they are but if you may be interested, I can tell you). I was already done with my last class in the evening and was charging my phone at the student lounge when he came inside. He's changed. We exchanged very quick greetings to each other and that was it. And that's where I felt that I lost all attraction for him. Ever since then, I immersed myself in school, work and video games. Things have been more on the down side than up for me. Even my attraction and sexuality started to make me question things. And that's where I did browsing and a bit of reading and discovered this site. -------- I hope I'm not annoying everybody here with my long story. But to shorten things, I'm different. And maybe broken. Even though I told closest people in my life about how I currently identify myself (and as of now, it's more of not okay and confused than okay), I hope I can meet people who can tell me if I'm normal despite what I've been through and how I view certain things in life. I'm very, very, very sorry for the long post. I'm gonna go back to work for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Coffee Bean Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Hi Karn! I'm new here too. :) I don't *think* you're violating any rules by sharing your story, I understand because I tend to do the same thing online sometimes. It's just nice to spill your guts out to people who don't know you IRL, and can have an unbiased opinion, or just take the time to read. You sound normal to me, just maybe jaded about how things have gone in your life, but aren't the most of us? I'm glad you found your way over to the site, and hope it helps in some way. Welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
karnzter Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 Thank you for the welcome and kind words, Bean. As of now, I'm really conflicted about the whole normal part. And it really hurts that even the people who I'm close to disagree and dislike my current identity. And the whole 'you just haven't found the right guy yet' thing disturbs and pisses me off. For me, it's more than that. The emotional bond; both friendly, romantically and sexually. The acceptance, trust and support of a potential life partner about who I am. The entire 'life meta' and how love, romance, sex, marriage and relationships are shown in the media; both in script and in real life. My battle with trust and commitment issues, anxiety, dysthymia, low self-confidence and self-worth, anger and cynicism. It scares me. :( Link to post Share on other sites
karnzter Posted June 8, 2016 Author Share Posted June 8, 2016 I am very sorry again for posting such a long (and personal and TMI) introduction post. I just don't know where to go or even talk to about my own questioning about my identity. Even I myself is also confused. I'm scared as well. I don't know if I could handle this on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted June 8, 2016 Share Posted June 8, 2016 Hello, and welcome to AVEN!! :cake: Don't worry about violating any rules by posting a long story! We accept pretty much anything here, for short one-sentence hellos to giant walls of text. Sometimes people need a place to vent, and that's okay. I'm really sorry for what you've had to go through; it sounds like it must have been really tough. I wish I had some solid advice for how to get over it all, but I've never been through anything similar. What I can say is that there are plenty of people here who will always be willing to help you out and willing to listen. I hope that being here is able to help you out in some way, and that you enjoy being a member of these forums! Link to post Share on other sites
karnzter Posted June 9, 2016 Author Share Posted June 9, 2016 Thank you, too, for the welcome, deltaX. I really do hope joining AVEN can start in my search for help, even at least in any way. I don't know where to start, though. There are some things in my head that I wanted to ask here but I'm not sure if I should for they may come out as insensitive or insulting or obvious or something else. And as much as I wanted to open up to any of my two therapists about my demiromanticism and demisexuality (that's even if I can ever go back to therapy if only my job isn't mostly at risk of being understaffed most of the time), I don't think it's the right time to do so. It feels alienating to be really different from the norm. Even though I prefer to be in isolation 90% of the time. When it comes to the things I do or even see and believe and even identify, some (or most likely) almost everyone in my life isn't supportive. Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 I know what you mean about not feeling ready to tell your therapist about asexuality; I felt the same way when I was seeing a therapist two years ago. I do think it would be helpful to talk about though if possible, if not to a therapist, to a tusted friend, family member, or someone here. I found it was very helpful for me not to keep it all bottled up. I've found that there are a lot of supportive people out there, so even if you feel alienated, there's a good percentage of people who will accept you. There's nothing wrong with demisexuality, and hopefully the people in your life will be able to see that. Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted June 9, 2016 Share Posted June 9, 2016 Welcome to AVEN! Thank you for sharing your story with us! Don't worry. You don't break any rules or anything...you can write as much as you want!! It's totally up to you and how you feel. : ) So thank you for posting. Don't apologize at all!! We're here to help and to welcome in whatever way we can. It can help to get all of that off your chest. I'm sorry that you've gone through so much. My goodness, that sounds difficult. : ( But you aren't broken! Believe me...you aren't. You'll find others that can relate to you here. Take your time exploring, and you'll meet a lot of supportive and friendly people. I wish you all the best, and I hope you enjoy being a member! Link to post Share on other sites
karnzter Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 Thank you so much. deltaX and cakeloid. I'm starting to feel a little better and less afraid from my posts. It really means a lot to me. I don't know where to start posting, though. So far, my first question is regarding the official colors of the straight (if there's any), demiromantic and demisexual flags. I've been planning to get custom jewelry (either a ring, pendant necklace or a bracelet) that shows the colors of the three without being obvious for the time being. I'm not yet ready to come out and explain yet to others without the major possibility of a negative reception). So far, silver, for gray, is the base of the ones I've currently seen. I'm aware black is the primary, but the ones I found have simulated smoky quartz or simulated black diamond in them. I'm rambling again but this time, at least I'm not afraid that much. And thanks for the cake, cakeloid! I have four more for everyone (from one of my favorite cake shops here)! Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 I'm on mobile so I can't easily fact check this atm, but I'm almost certain there is a straight flag. If I'm not mistaken, it's white and black stripes. As for the other two, I'm not Demi myself, so I'm not entirely sure if a demiromantic or demisexual flag exists. I haven't seen one, but I haven't been keeping my eye out for it either. Perhaps someone in the Grey Area Forum might be better to answer than me, so if you don't get a solid answer here, I'd suggest posting a topic over there to ask. :) One thing you could do if you can't find a flag is wear an ace ring. Some people on the asexual spectrum wear a black ring on the middle finger of their right hand as a symbol of the asexuality. Demisexuals are welcome to do this too if they feel connected to their place within asexuality, and it can be a good reminder of your orientation without anyone else knowing. It's up to you what you want to do though! Link to post Share on other sites
Member4445 Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 Hi Karn, I'm sorry that happened to you. People can do the cruelest things even with the best intentions sometimes, I hope you can forgive them one day, it'll help you feel free. Welcome to our community! :) You can find the ToS in the Site Info forum. Writing long posts isn't against the rules here. If you're unsure about the rules though, you can PM any of the people with green (Moderators) or red (Names) and they'd be happy to explain/reassure you. You might have noticed we have a thing about cake. I'm not a fan of that but I think you'll be getting a load from everybody else anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
karnzter Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 Thank you, Ciri. I was going to bring that up from my first set of therapy sessions bit it was abruptly cut short by my mother. My first set cost a lot but during my third or fourth session my therapist personally told me that she wanted to help me even more and told me the remaining sessions were free of charge. But it didn't happen and at that time I was around the last-4 sessions with her :(The whole thing really sucked and the whole moving on process for me feels like an eternity.As for the jewelry and the flag colors, I sent a friend from Tumblr an imgur album on 4 of the custom jewelries I currently found. I have a link for the reference for the straight and demiromantic colors (one from Wikimedia, one from DeviantArt). I'm currently on mobile as I post this so I'll just place the direct link to the album that I made.The colors aren't final though. And so is the engraving on the first jewelry, but now that I think of it the engraving is way too much and it's maybe misleading and/or insulting: http://imgur.com/a/pVdPA Link to post Share on other sites
karnzter Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 And before I forget, thanks for the advice, deltaX. I'll also redirect my questions to the Grey Area forum tomorrow (not right now 'cause its past-1 in the middle of the night and I already dozed off twice with my phone in hand xD) Goodnight, guys. And thank you again for the warm and comforting welcome and help. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
deltaX Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 No problem, I wish there was a way to help you more! If there's anything you ever need feel free to ask; my PM box is always open too :) Link to post Share on other sites
DragonflytotheMoon Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Hello & welcome, Karn. I like to read people's back stories. Thanks for sharing yours. I'm a pan demi rom. For most of my life (I'm 47), I had considered myself bi. More recently, I came to understand my true nature & recognized, that's how I had always been, I just didn't have the words & definition for it. For me, even more important than a strong emotional connection is, an intellectual one. I can relate to you about, even a brief conversation, with someone who you feel you have a bond with. How it lifts your spirits. I can't answer for other demi's, but, when I love, I love completely & no matter how many years pass or how much distance there is between myself & the other person, they will always hold a special place in my heart. Most of them (for different reasons) never knew the depth of my feelings. Though, all were/are friends & I believe, felt something for me as well. Maybe just not as intense. I do hope you enjoy your time here, learn more about yourself & make many new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
DragonflytotheMoon Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Sorry, double post Link to post Share on other sites
karnzter Posted June 15, 2016 Author Share Posted June 15, 2016 Thank you for the welcome, Gypsy. The special place in my heart part of your post really hits home for me. In a way, oftentimes I'm in denial that I may still have feelings for him even though I've lost them for more than 6 years. There were times I would ask myself 'How is he doing now?', eventually ending up sometimes with me checking out his Facebook to see what he's been up to. But I eventually stop to avoid getting myself into trouble again. For me, love is mind-boggling and other adjectives that are too many to put down here. And for someone like me who's never been in a relationship my entire life, it feels like an 'oddity'. There are times that I ask myself and to my mother: 'Will I be loved?' 'Am I capable of loving someone even with what I've been going through?' 'Is it an infatuation or is it real this time?' 'What if it's another lie?' It could also be my cynicism, dysthymia, isolation, anxiety, cowardice and low self-confidence and self-worth talking. I don't know anymore. It makes me tired just thinking and/or talking about it. I'm really sorry again for the long ramble/TMI. I just kinda need to vent out my debacle for a short handful of time. Link to post Share on other sites
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