I don't know how to handle this crush... help, please?

[JaySketch]

[WARNING: LONG]

I guess I should explain a bit further. I'm a 17yo bisexual (It's pretty much confirmed at this point) girl, and I have this girl that I like. She's an aromantic ace, and I'm bisexual. She's four years older than me and lives in in EU while I'm in America. Anyways, we've been friends for a while, and we've gotten really close in the past seven months. She doesn't have a lot of IRL friends and I'm one of the closest friends she has (That's what she's told me at least, I don't want to sound like I'm entitled or something, because I'm definitely not) and we've had some really deep and emotional conversations over email and Skype.

We've never spoken voice-to-voice or face-to-face, but I've been careful about what I share and I know for certain that she's sincere. But even without that... since the beginning of April I've grown really close to her. I feel a lot happier when I'm around her, and I think about her all the time, and we talk for hours daily through Skype and email. When we don't talk everyday my chest aches and I even get overemotional sometimes. I care about her a lot and she means a lot to me, more than anyone else ever has. But I haven't had a crush in over six years so I don't really know what a crush is meant to feel like. I just don't know if this is a crush or not...??

Anyways, the point is, she's ace and I'm not. Let's say that I were in love with her (Which I'm uncertain of but am fairly sure of that's what's happening right now), I can't exactly tell her how I feel. She doesn't feel attraction of any kind of romance outside of close friendships, while I feel a much stronger attraction than she. Like, I want to meet her in real life, hug her, hold her hand, have long meaningful talks while actually making eye contact with one another, sappy crap like that. I've done those cheesy imaginary daydreams where we'd kiss or snuggle, but never anything dirty or sexual in nature. But I know this is an unrequited love, as most crushes are, but it just...

It kills me, y'know? Like it hurts knowing that she's never going to like me back in the way that I do, and I understand that completely. I would never want her to change her sexuality- which isn't even possible because you're born this way- or make her do something that she isn't comfortable doing, but just interacting with her every day while knowing that I feel about her in this way, and seeing her refer to me and talk to me like a friend and nothing more just... stings? It doesn't feel good, I guess is all I can say about it. Plus I'm still young and this isn't going to last most likely, but I almost do want it to last?? I'd wish my childhood away in a heartbeat if it meant that I could just understand how I feel about her and know what what I'm feeling is actually sincere and not just some schoolgirl crush. Because I don't want to fall in love unless it's the real deal, and I'm so young now and since when does falling in love REALLY happen to teenagers???

So, I'm really lost. I don't know what to do. Like should I wait and see if my feelings go away, or should I tell her (I'm terrified to tell her, because I love our closeness so much already, and I don't want to ruin it even if it means being honest with her about how I feel. That's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make.) I just don't know what to do, and I'm not ace or (I think?) aromantic, so I don't know how she would feel in this scenario. I've never put myself out there like this before anonymously, so please forgive me if I'm immature going about this or seem naive. I just don't know what else to do at this point, and I'm scared..

[Withered]

Maybe continue loving her has much as a friend can c: If your feelings persist, i would suggest being honest, although if they are Aro it may not matter. Perhaps saying it like, "I have feelings for you, i care deeply for you but i am happy just being friends because i enjoy your presence". What ive found is if i have a crush, eventually if the "love" isnt reciprocated i fall away from it. ALSO finding a new crush helps!! Like if you want to be good friends with them, and you want to distract your heart for a while. Hope i helped ^-^

[broken_butterfly]

I highly recommend trying to get over your crush if you value your friendship. I'm in a similar situation. About 2 weeks ago I told my ace/aro best friend that I had feelings for her. Everything seemed fine at first but then our relationship fell apart the next day. It made her angry and she was uncomfortable around me. She said I shouldn't have told her how I felt. I think she felt betrayed. She even started to cry. From the start I made it very clear to her that i was happy just being friends. But It still bothers her terribly.

We had a very close friendship before all this. We would spend all day and all night texting each other, playing video games, or watching anime and movies. I hate every second I don't spend with her. If I could do everything over again I wouldn't. I wanted her to know how I felt. I didn't want to keep any secrets from her. I wanted her to like the real me. I am hopeful that everything is going to work out and we will be close friends again.

So I recommend either getting over your crush or telling her how you feel. I personally wouldn't be able to keep those feelings a secret for ever. But if you tell her how you feel, it *will* change your relationship and possibly end it.

Btw, I'm asexual (I think). But I have a very strong platonic crush on this girl. The problem is she doesn't believe that it's a platonic crush.

[Ix Phoen]

Yes, teenagers legitimately fall in love. They just have less perspective on the process, so it can feel more overwhelming. And since you haven't had much practice it's hard to imagine other options than what you've already experienced or read about. I can help with that part.

You sound like someone who is capable of transforming whatever you feel into the kind of appreciation, love, and acceptance that she is capable of accepting. You already respect her preferences. You value her as she is. You don't want to lose your connection. You wouldn't toss her away as not worth it even if she never falls in love with you. So, now that that's out of the way you actually have a lot of excellent options available to you.

The following is based off how I've learned to deal with crushes on close friends over the years, and the honesty I practice with my own best friend, who is bi. I'm not, at all, but we've talked about what we'd be comfortable with if we ever do fulfill our goal of moving to the same country and sharing an apartment.

First, you can begin to imagine meeting her while thinking of yourself as someone who would always, always respect her needs (even in your head).

You know what she really wants from a close relationship. If you don't know, ask her what she'd be comfortable with ... say, if she ended up with you as a roommate one day or something. Does she wish she had someone to snuggle with? Things like that. It's awkward at first, but if you're not out to get "the answer you want" or to trick her into giving you something you can use, it really is okay to talk about her comfort level with various levels of closeness.

Secrecy creates awkwardness and a barrier in conversations. For people who are close, it is nearly inevitable that the one who isn't in on the secret figures out that something is being hidden. And depending on their past experience with secrecy, how often they've been betrayed, and what they fear you're at the mercy of whatever their imagination comes up with. And people often come up with imagined scenarios that are far, far, far worse than anything that would really happen.

For both your sakes, I recommend coming up with a way to tell her about your feelings that is both honest and takes all the pressure off her. Focus on how much you respect her. Clarify that you'll continue to look for (or be open to) a mutually romantic relationship elsewhere. You're not putting the burden on her to respond in kind. Then ask her what will make her feel most comfortable.

Depending on what she can handle when it comes to thinking about closeness with you in particular, you might even be able to eventually tell her about your fantasy and get her real response to the idea. Reality has always been the best corrector of false expectations (fantasy) since time began. Slowly, gradually move toward that conversation over days or weeks, to make sure she isn't hurt, fearful, or pressured.

First you need to know whether she's okay with you being attracted to her. Then you need to know what kind of interactions make her feel most comfortable, knowing you're attracted to her. Give her the knowledge she would need to consent or deny.

If she's a trustworthy friend (and not previously traumatized by someone who abused her friendship and lied about it) she will probably be willing to help you find a balance point where you both feel understood and accepted as you are.

Help her with her fears if she's been manipulated or abused by someone before. It isn't about or directed to you (specifically) if she reacts like you're the same as the person who hurt her. It's her pain from the past creating a sensitivity that needs to be acknowledged, just as much as you'd acknowledge the limits that come with the pain of a broken bone.

Past injury is something that can be healed with present day respect and support so long as you are truly, deeply, genuinely respectful of the space she needs and not pushing for more or reactive in kind when she's triggered and overwhelmed.

Here's the most vital rule.

The person with the more distant boundaries (in any sector of relationship) gets to set the limits on the relationship in that area. And the person who would be okay with more trains themselves to see keeping those limits as a genuine and continuous act of great love, respect, and affection given to the other (to make up for all the acts of love they'd otherwise offer that wouldn't be acceptable).

And part of training your mind is to not fantasize that she's okay with something she wouldn't want in reality. Knowing her limits and what she considers acceptable between you will help a lot, because then you're not dealing with the uncertainty of guessing and wondering if you guessed wrong.

Instead of focusing on what you want from love, focus on what kind of love you give. Give her the kind of love she wants. When you find the right form, all that energy and passion will be acceptable to her, because it will be poured into actions and attitudes that make her feel loved and accepted.

You can find any kinds of love (that you need) she can't give you in another relationship. Community (groups of people exchanging various forms of affection, respect, support, love, and friendship) is necessary for nearly everyone. There will be room for more people in your lives for the rest of your lives, no matter how close you are. And when you consciously create a reliable and mutually understood (with each person individually) network of support, it makes you more stable for all your relationships.

Two people just aren't capable of providing everything the other needs because in order to have strengths and skills we naturally sacrifice other strengths and skills. The greater the strength or skill, the more likely that a large portion of other areas in that person's life are neglected or unreliable. This is just as true when it comes to "kinds of love" or "expressions of friendship" as it is for being a computer scientist or an ice skater.

If you honestly and openly value your friend for what she does offer--her strengths--and look elsewhere to develop what she doesn't offer (romantic love), then you'll find a comfortable balance in your relationship where you both are sharing love and friendship in ways that the other values.

Then find someone with whom to share mutual, romantic love who not only understands, but supports your friendship with her. There are a lot more people out there who get that relationships aren't all cookie-cutter in how they function than there used to be, so you have that going for you, too.

You have the rest of your life to discover what is possible between you and the people you treasure, and who treasure you also. It's okay to experiment and work together and change and grow. It's okay to leave and return, to ask questions, to change your mind, to discover new things about yourself that change everything.

Nothing is set in stone, and that means a relationship can always grow in new directions no matter what shape it's in right now. Be curious. Be honest. Be respectful. And never think that respectful love is a negative thing. It is always a gift. So let it take the form of a gift in a way that means a lot to its recipient.

Love is like money. You can spend it on anything. So invest your overflowing pockets into the qualities of relationship that your friend appreciates the most.

---------
Examples from my life:

My best friend is also best friends with someone who is ace to the point where they really can't participate in sex. They shared a room with her boyfriend (all very close friends with each other) back when my friend was dating someone, snuggled together, etc. Now that they live in different countries, they still talk about everything with complete honesty. They trust each other through everything enough to work through hurt or misunderstandings. They tell each other all about their other relationships. They communicate how they wish they could snuggle together. He sends her kisses. Etc.

They are comfortable with anything the other has to offer in the moment. And they got this way by being honest and working through things right from the beginning.

I'm so straight that if I had a male body I'd be gay. My (bi & demi) friend and I trust each other to the point where I'd be comfortable testing to see whether I am capable of having a romantic relationship with her, specifically. (Never would even consider it with anyone else.) We've been friends for many, many years. I trust her more than anyone else I know. So I know she'd respect whatever happens between us. There's no threat of losing each other, no matter what.

We are this way because we're honest from each other. We gradually built up the relationship by respecting and accepting each other, to the point where we could talk about these things without losing each other over them.