How to deal with advances from men at the clubs?

[clublover33]

Hi! I am very new to this community but I believe that I belong because I experience disgust and repulsion at the idea of sexual or intimate content with anyone (like even kissing is hard for me).I am a young women who enjoys going out and partying at clubs, bars, parties etc. However, I have the problem where men approach me at bars and sometimes even my guy friends and they try to kiss me and dance with me. I don't know how to reject their advances and my friends do not understand why i don't like the attention. They think that i am super weird if i do not hook up with someone when we go out and I can't tell them that I don't like to just make out with random dudes or they'll think I am a lesbian. I also don't know how to deal with the men because dancing with them is fine but they always take it too far. It seems like every guy who goes out is super horny. Anyway, please help and advise me anyway you can!!! Thanks!!!

[zoom]

Would it hurt telling these friends that you prefer women?

And I think that "guys getting super horny and thinking that you should have sex with them because you danced once" is a totally common problem in clubs, regardless your sexual orientation etc.; even women who are looking for hookups don't want to have sex with just ANYBODY, so they dance and refuse and dance and refuse until they pick someone they like enough. I suppose that the protocol is grabbing some other male and dancing with him instead, but not really sure, I don't dance :)

[clublover33]

Would it hurt telling these friends that you prefer women?

And I think that "guys getting super horny and thinking that you should have sex with them because you danced once" is a totally common problem in clubs, regardless your sexual orientation etc.; even women who are looking for hookups don't want to have sex with just ANYBODY, so they dance and refuse and dance and refuse until they pick someone they like enough. I suppose that the protocol is grabbing some other male and dancing with him instead, but not really sure, I don't dance :)

hi! I don't think it would hurt but I don't prefer women. I don't prefer anyone. I just have no sex drive or attraction to anyone. I have trouble dealing with this part because none of my friends do and I look like a freak.

[Sally]

If saying "no, I'm not interested" to the guys you meet doesn't work, and your friends don't understand, maybe clubs aren't for you. Men do generally go to clubs to meet/date/have sex with women, not to listen to music or just dance.

[clublover33]

If saying "no, I'm not interested" to the guys you meet doesn't work, and your friends don't understand, maybe clubs aren't for you. Men do generally go to clubs to meet/date/have sex with women, not to listen to music or just dance.

I guess you're right about that part ahah I wish that wasn't the case. Being asexual is hard because I do go out to listen to music, get drunk and have fun dancing. It's so hard for me realizing that I'm different than most people. I wish all peoples motives were less sexual/romantic because I don't relate to that :(

[zoom]

Would it hurt telling these friends that you prefer women?

And I think that "guys getting super horny and thinking that you should have sex with them because you danced once" is a totally common problem in clubs, regardless your sexual orientation etc.; even women who are looking for hookups don't want to have sex with just ANYBODY, so they dance and refuse and dance and refuse until they pick someone they like enough. I suppose that the protocol is grabbing some other male and dancing with him instead, but not really sure, I don't dance :)

hi! I don't think it would hurt but I don't prefer women. I don't prefer anyone. I just have no sex drive or attraction to anyone. I have trouble dealing with this part because none of my friends do and I look like a freak.

And do you care about dating?

I mean, if you don't care about dating (thus: your friends telling their friends that you don't like guys), the area is not homophobic plus your friends don't know many lesbian women (thus they cannot play matchmaker), saying that you prefer women could be the easiest and most comfortable option. If they don't understand and you feel that it is too hard to explain plus you want to have their support if some guy is too pushy. Or not even support, if you don't want them to give around your phone number, for example.

[clublover33]

Would it hurt telling these friends that you prefer women?

And I think that "guys getting super horny and thinking that you should have sex with them because you danced once" is a totally common problem in clubs, regardless your sexual orientation etc.; even women who are looking for hookups don't want to have sex with just ANYBODY, so they dance and refuse and dance and refuse until they pick someone they like enough. I suppose that the protocol is grabbing some other male and dancing with him instead, but not really sure, I don't dance :)

hi! I don't think it would hurt but I don't prefer women. I don't prefer anyone. I just have no sex drive or attraction to anyone. I have trouble dealing with this part because none of my friends do and I look like a freak.

And do you care about dating?

I mean, if you don't care about dating (thus: your friends telling their friends that you don't like guys), the area is not homophobic plus your friends don't know many lesbian women (thus they cannot play matchmaker), saying that you prefer women could be the easiest and most comfortable option. If they don't understand and you feel that it is too hard to explain plus you want to have their support if some guy is too pushy. Or not even support, if you don't want them to give around your phone number, for example.

I don't want people thinking I'm a lesbian because I had HOCD for a while and I am heteroromantic. I've just given up on finding on man who will be patient with my physically so I told them I am taking a 2 year hiatus from men and they seem to kind of understand that. I do only like men but I just don't think it is possible for me to be with one long term and I've given up.

[zoom]

I see. Then it is not a good option.

So, I don't know how to deal with your friends, but regarding the men... I mean, women in clubs are PICKY, they are saying NO again and again, even if they plan to have sex that night, so it cannot be that complicated. Also: your problem is not ace-specific (so you can get the answer elsewhere, especially if you don't find here enough people who are into clubbing, or who are into clubbing AND from your country / area, because the habits might be really specific.

[AceInhibitor]

Would it hurt telling these friends that you prefer women?

And I think that "guys getting super horny and thinking that you should have sex with them because you danced once" is a totally common problem in clubs, regardless your sexual orientation etc.; even women who are looking for hookups don't want to have sex with just ANYBODY, so they dance and refuse and dance and refuse until they pick someone they like enough. I suppose that the protocol is grabbing some other male and dancing with him instead, but not really sure, I don't dance :)

Not something I recommend. I tried it when I was younger and more foolish and still thought I was straight. Partly because there's a group of men who think the idea of girls kissing is super attractive and really enjoy the prospect. Doesn't always get rid of them. Plus gay women don't always love it if you use the word lesbian as a magic shield to protect you from men.

[Busrider]

Get creative? - Do some silk screening needlework or Airbrushing to get a big "No!" on your top? - Figure out where to place it so you can point to it conveniently.

There are probably a few commercially made shirts floating around too.

[deltaX]

If it's something that is common among guys you are friends with, it might be helpful to explain how you feel, so that they don't take it personally if you reject their advances. Though, I don't know your friend group, so depending on your situation that may or may not be feasible.

[Sally]

If it's something that is common among guys you are friends with, it might be helpful to explain how you feel, so that they don't take it personally if you reject their advances. Though, I don't know your friend group, so depending on your situation that may or may not be feasible.

Unfortunately, guys most often do take it personally -- because it is a rejection.

[Nidwin]

Unfortunately, gals most often do take it personally -- because it is a rejection.

it's the same issue on both sides Sally except that it's unacceptable it seems that a dude slaps a gal when the gal goes way way too far.

[zoom]

Would it hurt telling these friends that you prefer women?

And I think that "guys getting super horny and thinking that you should have sex with them because you danced once" is a totally common problem in clubs, regardless your sexual orientation etc.; even women who are looking for hookups don't want to have sex with just ANYBODY, so they dance and refuse and dance and refuse until they pick someone they like enough. I suppose that the protocol is grabbing some other male and dancing with him instead, but not really sure, I don't dance :)

Not something I recommend. I tried it when I was younger and more foolish and still thought I was straight. Partly because there's a group of men who think the idea of girls kissing is super attractive and really enjoy the prospect. Doesn't always get rid of them. Plus gay women don't always love it if you use the word lesbian as a magic shield to protect you from men.

I meant telling it to the (probably female?) friends who do not understand.

In better case to get some support "hey, she told you she is not interested, so get the fuck off!" (better when three girls tell that than only once), in worse case "at least" prevent them from giving them phone number.

It totally does not help against the guys, they understand that "lesbian" means "willing to do threesome".

(I assume that the men who are "interested" are random men and not friends)

Personally, I don't go to dance clubs, only to bars (and also it might be country-specific), so what I get is a drink, which I first refuse and then carry back to the bar and spill it out. If it does not help, I ask the bouncer to get them out. When I was doing martial arts (and usually had bruises on my forearms), I claimed that he did that. Bouncers are usually stupid, so they don't realize it takes hours to get violet-blue bruises.

[FunkyAce]

oh my gosh! I feel ya! I went to a concert at a club in Vegas recently. It was my first time going to a straight club and it was terrible! Some of the men were ridiculously persistent and handsy. It made me extremely uncomfortable and ruined the night. I think I was getting a lot of attention because I was showing a lot of skin, which we did to get close to the stage. Anyways, after that my cousin who goes clubbing a lot told me to dance crazy like you need a lot of space so it's hard for a dude to come up on you and try to grind. Also, I'd only been to gay/lgbtq+ clubs before this and they were AWESOME! You could dress as nice or as casual as you want. You don't feel anyone judging you. The music is good and guys will not try to hit on you cuz they're hitting on each other :P. I didn't have any women hit on me probably because people seemed more focused on the people they came with. Maybe your guy friends won't want to go, but you could suggest it as a thing to try out or you could go with girl friends.

[Null_and_Void]

That sort of thing is kind of part of that whole scene, but short of just telling them no or to stop, there's always self defense. Pepper spray would be good.

And don't take that first person's advice about just lying and saying you're a lesbian. Far too often people seem to forget the entire point of this site. It's the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. We're supposed to be spreading information about asexuality. Just explain it to people.

[Rare Aztec Whstling Chickn]

Some guys can be annoying forward with these sorts of things. The only thing I can think of to deal with it is to avoid dancing with randoms, or just walking away from anything that makes you uncomfortable.

[Patryk]

If saying "no, I'm not interested" to the guys you meet doesn't work, and your friends don't understand, maybe clubs aren't for you. Men do generally go to clubs to meet/date/have sex with women, not to listen to music or just dance.

I do go just to listen to music or just dance, so I understand her When I'd go to clubs with my friends it was always kind of let's go pick up some girls, so we can have sex. Girls on the dance floor look for having sex as well. For most people clubbing is all about sex, and this can be an issue for aces. Now I go sometimes but alone, so I can just enjoy the music.

[Philip027]

I would say the simple solution would be "don't go to clubs" but based on your username, I guess that's not a valid answer.

[Éadweard]

You don't know how to say no? Seriously?

[NerotheReaper]

Can you go with friends, like maybe have a male friend with you. Usually guys won't approach a group of girls if there is already another male present. If you go with just girls that is like an invitation to other men to hit on you guys. Since they see and will assume you are all single, and therefore he can hit on you and your friends. Tell your guy friends you aren't interested (maybe even come out to them), but you still would want to be friends with them.

Plus you need to realize, clubs is kind of a hook-up kind of place. If you like to listen to music maybe go to concerts instead, they usually have a bar at concerts (depends on how big it is I guess)

[ghost-light]

This sounds like an issue of consent, honestly. Your friends are assuming that while you're out clubbing, its fair game to touch / kiss you. I think it's important to set boundaries with them and let them know you don't like what they're doing. Sorry to play this card, but if they're good friends, they should understand and respect your wishes without much reason. Even many sexual people have their limits, and friends - no matter how close - are not entitled to your body. I also find it odd that they'll think you're a lesbian if you don't hook up / make out with strangers..

As for the guys at the club - unfortunately it will always be a constant battle because many people are still under the assumption that just because women are dressed provocatively, it's okay to touch regardless of invitation. I've been in similar situations at an EBM / industrial dance club. I loved dressing up in corsets, short skirts, thigh-highs and boots to go out dancing, but it didn't mean I wanted any of the advances. Most of the time when guys were too forward, I created an excuse to leave or told them I had a boyfriend (which was actually true at the time.) Luckily, it never really caused problems for me. Others who got too handsy were often batted away, played off by just dancing too hard. Our club also had boxes we could dance on, which was nice if you just wanted to be left alone but still dance and enjoy the music. I often did this.

I'm sorry there isn't much advice I can offer, but hope you can strike a balance with your love for clubbing and dislike for intimate contact.

Best Wishes ~

[oskietje]

If "no" doesn't seem to work, get a friend to help cockblock. It always works when I help my female friends.