Being aromantic is a constant struggle

[aussiekirkland]

I just want romantics to know that being aromantic is really hard. Obviously I'm only speaking from personal experience, but I know there are a lot of people who would agree with me when I say it is a daily struggle.

It's not that I don't accept myself. Over the past year I have learnt to love all aspects of myself, despite what I am constantly told to feel. Almost every form of media I consume is romance obsessed. Yes, I could narrow down what I consume but quite frankly that leaves me with shit all. But back to the point, I am constantly being told through media that romance is The Most Important Thing and that my life is awful without it. Often it totally misses that notion and functions on the assumption that /of course/ everyone falls in loves and finds people attractive and wants (even if they don't have) relationships.

I also feel like if it wasn't for this basic structure of our culture I probably wouldn't be romance repulsed. Small doses of romance are perfectly fine by me, especially if I seek it out (which sometimes I do) but I feel like it's constantly being shoved in my face, all day everyday and that there's no escape. I feel trapped, suffocated and yet at the same time alone.

I guess I'm just here to share one of my experiences of what it's like to be aromantic (there are also lots of good things about being aromantic) but also to see if other aromantics feel this way sometimes?

[Guest]

I just want romantics to know that being aromantic is really hard.

I'm not really sure if you were hoping for, um.. pity? or something? We get it, but it's shit for us too so.. I don't really know what you were after with this particular comment.

I wish I could be aromantic (a lot of romantic aces - and sexuals too - wish that). I know for me it would be so much easier not to need that connection, especially as an ace which means I utterly destroy the lives of the people I fall in love with by not being able to want sex with them Y_Y It's not something I can control, it just happens and it's horrendous.. loving someone with every fibre of your being, desiring them, needing them.. and just.. they're sexual so yeah, they end up hating you and you hate yourself because of massive sexual disparity.. you can't give them what would make them truly happy, in the way that would make them truly happy.. and that's awful, knowing you're denying your lover that.

A lot of romantics are romance repulsed and feel the same way about it that you've described, we also don't want it shoved down our throats all the time and think it's waaaay too overdone on TV etc. Romance is not the most important thing in life for most people, just as sex isn't. Just because the media portrays romance that way doesn't mean most romantic people agree with that.

I've seen a lot of aromantics here say that being aro makes being ace a lot easier, because sex isn't such an issue if you don't desire the relationships most often associated with sex, so yeah, it just depends

Also romantic asexuals often experience erasure of our romantic orientation regardless, because ''it's impossible to be in love with someone and not want to have sex with them. If you don't want sex, you don't love your partner'' *sigh*

So yeah okay. It's hard. We get it.. it's hard for us too.. like really, really fucking suicide attempt-inducing hard (sometimes) ...We aren't/weren't denying that it's hard for you too though, just hard for different reasons.

I guess I just went on the defensive immediately because it sounded like you were saying ''it's so easy for you, it's so hard for us''

It's just... so far from easy..

[DragonflytotheMoon]

I'm a pan/demi romantic who doesn't care much for romantic novels (occasional unconventional ones) or usually romantic films (though, it can depend whose in it). Being made to feel like you're less of a person without a partner. I think a lot of us have taken confidence hits due to that.

I'm married & poly (separate relationships) & I go through times I want a lady love. It can hurt. When you can't find someone or when you do & they reciprocate for a minute & then leave you longing. I'd be lying if I said, I completely understand what you're going through, but, I want to. I really do. I feel, we're all in this together. No matter how we approach, well, any of this.

One thing I realized awhile back is, friendship is the greatest connection two people can have. To me, no matter where on the romantic spectrum a person might be, it's having that bond which matters & should be celebrated. That's my take anyway.

[Dodecahedron314]

A lot of romantics are romance repulsed and feel the same way about it that you've described, we also don't want it shoved down our throats all the time and think it's waaaay too overdone on TV etc. Romance is not the most important thing in life for most people, just as sex isn't. Just because the media portrays romance that way doesn't mean most romantic people agree with that.

I completely agree that life is by no means a walk in the park for alloromantic aces, but there's a difference between getting tired of romantically saturated media and being outright romance-repulsed. It's true that if you're romance-repulsed, it's likely that you'll view romantic media negatively, but the difference is that the negativity also extends to romance in real life, often to the point of feeling physical or emotional distress even if there's just a random couple kissing on the sidewalk, or if you have to sit through a wedding, or if you sense that someone's trying to flirt with you or ask you out. And a lot of the time, it seems like all those things happen all the time, everywhere, because most of society thinks that all of those things are perfectly acceptable and normal and desirable due to amatonormativity, so it wears on you being in a constant state of nausea-inducing fight-or-flight in those situations.

Again, not saying that being an alloromantic ace doesn't involve a lot of difficulties, just interjecting a clarification.

[Guest]

A lot of romantics are romance repulsed and feel the same way about it that you've described, we also don't want it shoved down our throats all the time and think it's waaaay too overdone on TV etc. Romance is not the most important thing in life for most people, just as sex isn't. Just because the media portrays romance that way doesn't mean most romantic people agree with that.

I completely agree that life is by no means a walk in the park for alloromantic aces, but there's a difference between getting tired of romantically saturated media and being outright romance-repulsed. It's true that if you're romance-repulsed, it's likely that you'll view romantic media negatively, but the difference is that the negativity also extends to romance in real life, often to the point of feeling physical or emotional distress even if there's just a random couple kissing on the sidewalk, or if you have to sit through a wedding, or if you sense that someone's trying to flirt with you or ask you out. And a lot of the time, it seems like all those things happen all the time, everywhere, because most of society thinks that all of those things are perfectly acceptable and normal and desirable due to amatonormativity, so it wears on you being in a constant state of nausea-inducing fight-or-flight in those situations.

Again, not saying that being an alloromantic ace doesn't involve a lot of difficulties, just interjecting a clarification.

Yeah what you explained, I experience all of that. Like, word for word. Plenty of romantics do. (Mysticus, who is a very vocal member on this site, experiences romance repulsion even more strongly than I do and he isn't naturally aromantic)

This is like the whole ''every sexual is gagging for sex and wants to have sex with every single person they find attractive'' thing. It's a myth. Sure some romantics find that stuff cute and sweet (yuck) but plenty of us want to gag and throw something at people kissing in public, or to punch someone who tries to flirt with us (which isn't actually romantic) and I had to get rid of TV completely in my house to avoid all that shitty romance (and the news) I was exposed to just through adverts that play let alone the movies and TV sitcoms etc ..I will stop reading a book if it looks like characters are going to get romantic with each other (unless I know for a fact that one of them is going to die slowly, or cheat and destroy the other person) ..Romantic people can experience full-blown romantic repulsion as well (just as sexual people can experience sex repulsion) it's not just an aromantic thing.

And lets not forget there are aromantics who are fine seeing romance, enjoy reading about it or watching it on TV, and are even happy dealing with it in a relationship, they just don't experience those feelings themselves. So it goes both ways.

Being aromantic doesn't automatically equal being romance repulsed. And being romantic doesn't automatically equal non-romance repulsed.

And yup, being a romance-repulsed hopeless romantic (as in, develop extremely strong romantic feelings with no control as to who they are for or when they will happen, and being unable to stop those feelings no matter how badly you know they're going to screw with you) is.. extremely difficult. At least if I was aromantic I wouldn't need to deal with experiencing those feelings.. That really would be a relief.

This isn't an 'us vs. them' thing though, both sides have it hard for different reasons. I just get sick of aromantics making comparisons like this though, as though romantic people don't experience this stuff as well. Many of us do. The only real difference between an aromantic and a romantic is ''the innate capacity to experience romantic feelings'' ..romatics have that, aromantics don't.. and all other factors (like romance-repulsion, desire for romantic relationships etc) are variable.

I have met self-identifying aromantics here who are a lot more romantic-seeming than many of the romantic people I have met (to the extent they gross me out). It's all relative.

[TiffanyJung]

As a romantic sexual, I can tell you that it's really not easy for us either , just like it's not easy for aces , aros or aro-aces.

Because developing feelings for someone can be just as devastating as it can be exhilarating at times. And trust me the shock of not having your feelings reciprocated is ten times worse when you're an extremely sensitive person.

I can't comment on the PDA, the weddings etc because I live in a completely different society from you where you're not going to see PDA at all. Because of moral policing as some people in India call it.

And yes Pan's right. My best friend who's romantic experiences full blown romantic repulsion as well. So well....*Grimaces*

[TiffanyJung]

Hmmm but what about Aro Allosexuals?It's hard for them too right????

[SkyWorld]

I don't necessarily agree that one person or group of people because of their sexual/romantic orientation have "worse" problems than another. Really it's all a variable. Yes, romantics may or may not particularly understand the hardships of aromantics, and aromantics may or may not particularly understand the hardships of romantics. Both have struggles, but may be different form each other that can't really be measured as which is harder.

It even depends on the person themselves. An aromantic may have some hardships that another aromantic has either not experience or just doesn't bother them as much. Same can be said about romantics. Because not only are the problems a variable, but also the individual.

[Sally]

Being an asexual romantic was difficult also. Being ANYTHING is difficult.

[Dodecahedron314]

A lot of romantics are romance repulsed and feel the same way about it that you've described, we also don't want it shoved down our throats all the time and think it's waaaay too overdone on TV etc. Romance is not the most important thing in life for most people, just as sex isn't. Just because the media portrays romance that way doesn't mean most romantic people agree with that.

I completely agree that life is by no means a walk in the park for alloromantic aces, but there's a difference between getting tired of romantically saturated media and being outright romance-repulsed. It's true that if you're romance-repulsed, it's likely that you'll view romantic media negatively, but the difference is that the negativity also extends to romance in real life, often to the point of feeling physical or emotional distress even if there's just a random couple kissing on the sidewalk, or if you have to sit through a wedding, or if you sense that someone's trying to flirt with you or ask you out. And a lot of the time, it seems like all those things happen all the time, everywhere, because most of society thinks that all of those things are perfectly acceptable and normal and desirable due to amatonormativity, so it wears on you being in a constant state of nausea-inducing fight-or-flight in those situations.

Again, not saying that being an alloromantic ace doesn't involve a lot of difficulties, just interjecting a clarification.

Yeah what you explained, I experience all of that. Like, word for word. Plenty of romantics do. (Mysticus, who is a very vocal member on this site, experiences romance repulsion even more strongly than I do and he isn't naturally aromantic)

This is like the whole ''every sexual is gagging for sex and wants to have sex with every single person they find attractive'' thing. It's a myth. Sure some romantics find that stuff cute and sweet (yuck) but plenty of us want to gag and throw something at people kissing in public, or to punch someone who tries to flirt with us (which isn't actually romantic) and I had to get rid of TV completely in my house to avoid all that shitty romance (and the news) I was exposed to just through adverts that play let alone the movies and TV sitcoms etc ..I will stop reading a book if it looks like characters are going to get romantic with each other (unless I know for a fact that one of them is going to die slowly, or cheat and destroy the other person) ..Romantic people can experience full-blown romantic repulsion as well (just as sexual people can experience sex repulsion) it's not just an aromantic thing.

And lets not forget there are aromantics who are fine seeing romance, enjoy reading about it or watching it on TV, and are even happy dealing with it in a relationship, they just don't experience those feelings themselves. So it goes both ways.

Being aromantic doesn't automatically equal being romance repulsed. And being romantic doesn't automatically equal non-romance repulsed.

And yup, being a romance-repulsed hopeless romantic (as in, develop extremely strong romantic feelings with no control as to who they are for or when they will happen, and being unable to stop those feelings no matter how badly you know they're going to screw with you) is.. extremely difficult. At least if I was aromantic I wouldn't need to deal with experiencing those feelings.. That really would be a relief.

This isn't an 'us vs. them' thing though, both sides have it hard for different reasons. I just get sick of aromantics making comparisons like this though, as though romantic people don't experience this stuff as well. Many of us do. The only real difference between an aromantic and a romantic is ''the innate capacity to experience romantic feelings'' ..romatics have that, aromantics don't.. and all other factors (like romance-repulsion, desire for romantic relationships etc) are variable.

I have met self-identifying aromantics here who are a lot more romantic-seeming than many of the romantic people I have met (to the extent they gross me out). It's all relative.

My apologies for misinterpreting your post--the wording made it seem as though you were drawing an equivalence between romance repulsion and objecting to romantically saturated media, and I only got involved in an attempt to clarify that which I now realize didn't need to be clarified. I am certainly aware that it is possible for alloromantics to be romance-repulsed, and that not all aromantics are. I read your post wrong, that's all, and I apologize for the miscommunication.

[Snao Cone]

Being aromantic can suck in a number of ways that aren't the case for romantics, yes. Much of society is built around the life goal of finding a lifelong romantic partner. The impact that has on an aromantic person's life is going to vary depending on a number of factors - gender, socioeconomic status, family, culture, ability, et cetera.

The way that society is built around this, though, isn't a walk in the park. It's a quest that romantics are sent on that greatly affects their lives. This isn't a contest, this isn't us versus them. It's making friends with a diverse group of people and saying "I'll listen to your troubles if you listen to mine."

[aussiekirkland]

Rather than responding to any particular person I'll just address this to everyone reading the post. I'm sorry about the first sentence, that was misleading and did not at all reflect my intentions posting this. I in no way meant to invalidate anyone else's experiences and I don't think anyone has it easier or harder than anyone else. This post was a response to a couple of other posts I've seen on here where people don't seem to understand what it's like being aromantic. I simply wanted to share what it's like being aro for me, and maybe connect with other aromantics about it.

I thought I'd made these points clear in my short disclaimer but here's another disclaimer because disclaimers can't prevent people's feelings getting hurt, and good intentions can't control impact.

That leads to another problem of having a "romantic orientations" forum because in some cases (such as this post) it's important to have our own spaces. Thoughts?

[SkyWorld]

That leads to another problem of having a "romantic orientations" forum because in some cases (such as this post) it's important to have our own spaces. Thoughts?

I was thinking the same thing in regards to the question should aromantics and romantics have their own space (forums) from each other.

And what I think... is that it's important to share this forum with each other. We already have designated threads for each other, but they still closely intertwine and important to address the concept of romantic orientations and experiences revolving that and everyone's input toward it (whether they be aromantic, romantic, grey-romantic, or not even identifying with a romantic orientation).

[Snao Cone]

AVEN is about awareness. While it acknowledges the importance of safe spaces, I think keeping discussions of a/romantic orientations in a shared space is more in line with spreading awareness and understanding of each other and the differences (and similarities) of aromantic and romantic experiences. We get far more exposure in society and popular culture to romantic experiences, but it's certainly not a complete picture and I'm glad that we have real people talking about it here, where the misconceptions spread by the idealized and fanciful portrayal of romantic relationships can be dispelled with grounded, direct experiences. Similarly, I'm glad that aromantics have a place to discuss what we do feel in our relationships with other people, so we can be understood to not be so cold and heartless.

[Plectrophenax]

I just want romantics to know that being aromantic is really hard.

[…]

It's just... so far from easy..

What you say here is exactly why I am grateful that I am aromantic, or at least not romantic [though I sometimes feel as though I might be romantically inclined but simply refuse to be for the very destructive reason you make note of].

Ultimately, at the root of both sides' discomfort and harship, seems to be the sensation of alienation. For romantic asexuals, it's the inevitable alienation from romantic partners that couple romance with sexual expectations and needs - even if they do so unmaliciously and even if they struggle to understand and adapt, the disparity alone can be a shattering experience. For aromantic asexuals, it's the inevitable alienation from societal connotations of romance at large. Naturally, both forms of alienation can be felt by both given the right [or wrong] set of circumstances, and neither require asexuality either. It's just one of the many shades in which the difficulty of belonging to a striking minority can manifest itself.

[TiffanyJung]

I'm not really sure that separating the two forums would be a good idea.

[TopHatCat]

OP, you sounded to me like you were musing, if a little despairingly, but I saw your general question.Yeah, now and then I've found myself a little sad in seeing such intimate relationships between people-I don't even feel that way about my best friend whom I've had for 8 years. I'm upset that others may have gotten defensive but I don't see any evidence of intentional pity-fishing or competitive depression.

If you ever want to contemplate the subject and get thoughts out of your head, hit me up.

[aussiekirkland]

OP, you sounded to me like you were musing, if a little despairingly, but I saw your general question.Yeah, now and then I've found myself a little sad in seeing such intimate relationships between people-I don't even feel that way about my best friend whom I've had for 8 years. I'm upset that others may have gotten defensive but I don't see any evidence of intentional pity-fishing or competitive depression.

If you ever want to contemplate the subject and get thoughts out of your head, hit me up.

I'm glad you understand what I was getting at. I think next time I am looking to seek aromantic conversations I will turn to the aromantic blogs on tumblr, I don't feel like I can voice my opinions on AVEN without conflict or hurt feelings. Lesson learnt I guess *shrug* thank you for the offer!

[Guest]

I'm glad you understand what I was getting at. I think next time I am looking to seek aromantic conversations I will turn to the aromantic blogs on tumblr, I don't feel like I can voice my opinions on AVEN without conflict or hurt feelings. Lesson learnt I guess *shrug* thank you for the offer!

You can just say ''Aromantics only please'' in your OP and/or title and NOT say in the first sentence ''I want romantics to know.....'' because that automatically involved romantics who yes, also have a really hard time and were going to get defensive. Honestly I wouldn't have replied if it wasn't for that first bit being directed at romantics. It's fine to just have a moan to other aromantics about how much being aromantic sucks I don't think anyone has issue with that? It's just that you made it sound like you were trying to educate/lecture us romantics is all. That's the only reason there was an issue.

You're allowed to politely request that this topic remain between aromantics though and no one would barge in unless we saw you were like ''OH MY GOD romantic people are such shit'' or whatever haha.. but yeah if it's just personal struggles about being aro in a romantic world etc no one would take issue.

[Saber Wing]

There are definitely difficulties involved on both sides, but that's why I believe it's important for us to share our perspectives with each other. It would be a bad idea to separate the forums. In my humble opinion, at least. It's perfectly reasonable to want to share your experiences so that you can relate to other aromantics, or romantics respectively, but removing ourselves from each other completely just sounds really wrong to me, and not at all what I feel this community stands for. Romantic, aromantic: ultimately, it doesn't matter. We all have our troubles. It's not a competition.

[Plectrophenax]

I think next time I am looking to seek aromantic conversations I will turn to the aromantic blogs on tumblr, I don't feel like I can voice my opinions on AVEN without conflict or hurt feelings.

I very much hope you won't be discouraged from seeking discourse on AVEN either [you can do both tumblr and AVEN, after all]. It was clear from your first post that you meant to respond to romantics who dismiss or downplay the struggles of aromantics because, perhaps, they haven't fully considered its implications. It was not clear at all, however, that your primary concern was the exchange of experiences among aromantics and it was probably inevitable that romantics themselves will feel downplayed and respond.

At any rate, because I neglected to make note of this in my previous post, I'd like to say that the experience you describe is the very same as the one I have. I don't even consume that much 'romantic media', but still everything I do and did consume [primarily classical literature and especially poetry] is so full of notions of romance that, in hindsight, I'm surprised I didn't feel alienated much sooner than I did. Instead, I constructed my own notion of what romance is [which was essentially a concept of strong platonic friendship] and applied that to the stuff I read - which, because things like sexuality tend to be cencored, worked all-too well - for the better part of eight or so years.

It's also interesting to note that I know of a few people, my brother in particular, who feel the same way without being aromantic. That's of course not a problem but it does serve to make me feel all the more left out when their rantings and frustrations are vented on the basis of an unshared premise of the inherent value and goodness of romance and, indeed, the sexuality taken to be implied by it.

[Homer]

I can't be the only one not to struggle with my aromantic tendencies at all, can I? I mean, I got the occasional "You'll find someone" from my grandma in particular but she stopped that years ago and there are a few people who can't wrap their head around not wanting a relationship, but nobody has ever been pushing or urging me and whatnot. They just leave me be. I don't want a SO as much as others don't want cheese, to put it bluntly.

Is that THIS exceptional?

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

I can't be the only one not to struggle with my aromantic tenencies at all, can I? I mean, I got the occasional "You'll find someone" from my grandma in particular but she stopped that years ago and there are a few people who can't wrap their head around not wanting a relationship, but nobody has ever been pushing or urging me and whatnot. They just leave me be. I don't want a SO as much as others don't want cheese, to put it bluntly.

Is that THIS exceptional?

You're not the only one. I actually have no real concern about not desiring a romantic relationship in my life. I recognised (way before AVEN, too) that it's kind of a rare trait, to actively enjoy being single, but it's not troubling me.

Occasionally people (like my mum or other relatives) tell me to go find someone. From my mum, it's actually about her worrying I'll be lonely. It's caring, I can take it as that. From other people, it's usually the "everyone's looking for someone", but I don't really feel like I care much about it. My private life is my private life, after all. And most people usually assume singleness is a temporary thing that happens to everyone, not something you're completely fine with keeping that way. I am fine letting people assume what they want.

[poindexter]

I can't be the only one not to struggle with my aromantic tenencies at all, can I? I mean, I got the occasional "You'll find someone" from my grandma in particular but she stopped that years ago and there are a few people who can't wrap their head around not wanting a relationship, but nobody has ever been pushing or urging me and whatnot. They just leave me be. I don't want a SO as much as others don't want cheese, to put it bluntly.

Is that THIS exceptional?

No, me too.. People get so worked up about finding romantic partners, I'm quite relieved I don't seem to have the same desires from life. No one really bothers me about it either, they accept I'm not interested. My parents aren't fussed, family, friends, they all seem to understand.

It's not the same for everyone though - a lot of people are put under pressure by their friends and relatives. It also wasn't the same when I was in school, as a teenager it seemed so important to be able to fit in, and as everyone else was going on about relationships and excited about sex and so on, it was awkward to be the one who literally and figuratively couldn't give a fuck. As much as I wanted find it all as fascinating as it was for others, I could never see the point.

Thank God, I'm not subject to teenage angst and peer pressure any more.

[Snao Cone]

I can't be the only one not to struggle with my aromantic tenencies at all, can I? I mean, I got the occasional "You'll find someone" from my grandma in particular but she stopped that years ago and there are a few people who can't wrap their head around not wanting a relationship, but nobody has ever been pushing or urging me and whatnot. They just leave me be. I don't want a SO as much as others don't want cheese, to put it bluntly.

Is that THIS exceptional?

I have a pretty similar experience on this front; perhaps it's because of my personality and overall values that are compatible with singlehood that get me fewer comments about finding someone. But there are still times I'm frustrated at the way society is built around couples and family units. Most housing is priced for dual incomes. Society's support systems usually assume everyone has a family member to be a primary caregiver in cases where someone needs it. There are stigmas about showing up alone to things. Older single people are thought of as "queer" in the original sense that isn't about LGBT+ pride and solidarity. Not everyone will experience these and they're not present all the time, but they're things some people will face.

For the most part I'm happy and left to be myself. :)

[Homer]

There are stigmas about showing up alone to things.

That's a thing I never got (boy, the "things Homer never got" list is so long :( ). Why do these stigmas exist? Anyways, I always considered these as the problem of the one articulating those. The good thing is that they won't do anything worse in the meantime.

[Snao Cone]

I don't really understand why it's do important to have a date for every event either. Well, I understand why people think that way (because being alone is seen as being unwanted) but I don't understand why it's a belief that's upheld and actively reinforced by people. To me it's just another toxic and archaic attitude towards people who already face discrimination - whether that be based on gender or class or sexuality or appearance or culture or whatever.

[Rising Sun]

I wish I could be aromantic (a lot of romantic aces - and sexuals too - wish that). I know for me it would be so much easier not to need that connection, especially as an ace which means I utterly destroy the lives of the people I fall in love with by not being able to want sex with them Y_Y It's not something I can control, it just happens and it's horrendous.. loving someone with every fibre of your being, desiring them, needing them.. and just.. they're sexual so yeah, they end up hating you and you hate yourself because of massive sexual disparity.. you can't give them what would make them truly happy, in the way that would make them truly happy.. and that's awful, knowing you're denying your lover that.

If you were aromantic, you might have more squishes. And a lot of people just can't return the feeling, leaving you heartbroken.

So, romantic or aromantic... It's hard either way. Hard to find relationships, hard to maintain relationships, hard to want relationships that differ from the norm, hard to not have relationships and being accepted... That's why we're all on here. That's what we all (or almost all) have in common. Aromantics don't have it easier, romantics don't have it easier either.

[Homer]

What I think of as most difficult is to "get your point across."

Yes, I'm interested in you as a person.

(Yes, I might even find you aesthetically attractive.)

Yes, I would like to know as much as everything about you.

Yes, I care about you and your wellbeing.

But no, I do not want to enter a romantic relationship

and no, I don't want to sleep with you

and HELL NO, this is MY place.

[Snao Cone]

I'm a serial friendzoner, both sexually and romantically. Some people think that's rough and that I'm not considerate of their feelings...but they're clearly not considerate of mine if they believe I owe them reciprocation. That is an issue that extends beyond aro people, of course, as everybody gets to be as selective as they want and nobody ever owes their feelings to someone else.