Need Advice On Coming Out Problem

[Scout the Supreme Overlord]

So I am non binary. Not sure which kind yet, but I am trying to figure it out. It's something I would love to explore but... Here's the problem. My parents reacted badly when I came out as ace. Like, crying and whispering and telling me it's just a phase and insisting that I don't come out to my friends.(they actually said that I shouldn't "fly that flag") It has drove a wedge between us that they constantly complain about, even though it is not my fault. Once, when I mentioned that one of my friends was bi and another was pan, my dad interrupted "yeah, and your friends are also in high school" implying invalidation to their sexual orientations. I also expressed sadness at a friend moving away, and said she was important because we came out to each other. They lost all sympathy as they turned from surprised to scared to apathetic to angry. I was taken aback, but I really shouldn't be that surprised anymore.

I realized I was a non binary person of some sort a few days after my first coming out fiasco. So, I made a plan to not come out as non binary until at least after college. At that time, I would have had time to explore in college, I would have been on my own so I could escape the inevitable dysphoria radiating off of them, and I would be old enough for it to be more than a phase. I would have also had time to slowly become more boyish throughout high school (If you want to see how that's going, take a look at my last post.) So I had it all figured out! But each day is basically a living mini-hell. Not that bad in perspective, but bad enough that I'm usually filled with deep seeded anger. Each day I see things go by and feel sad as I am missing them, such as being able to dress my style; cutting my hair; wearing a suit to the prom.

So I need advice. Do I come out as non-binary? Or wait? I realize their reaction: they won't want to be seen as bad parents; they don't want to have to deal with me being upset over losing friends and, by extension, them losing friends and admirers of their perfect, genius, beautiful daughter. I will probably be seen as a disappointment, corrupted my my angsty teenage ways combined with the rebellious disgusting thoughts of the internet.

So I need help. I can't deal with fighting them on two fronts (wow what if I came out as aro too that would be like a cage fight), although every day that goes by I can see the possible good that comes from it, as unlikely as my hopes and dreams are. But each day I go to school desperately wishing I could wear more boyish clothes or at least different clothes from jeans and combat boots; every time I am asked what I want for my birthday or christmas and I desperately want to scream, BINDER!; every moment I spend having to find comfort from dysphoria on places like Pinterest or AVEN while simultaneously being mocked for being a typical moody teen always on electronics, I can't help but dream of what it would be like with supportive parents. I know the response will be bad, but the fact of the matter is, this is not about their life, it's about mine. And I am missing it.

[Starry Sky]

First off, *major hugs* Having supportive parents, I have no idea what it must be like to feel the need to hide who you are because of previous bad experiences. In your situation, do you feel there will be more benefit to coming out as opposed to drawbacks? What are all the things that could go wrong? What are all the things that could go right? Coming out opens soooo many doors and it's great to get the ball rolling as soon as possible but safety is a big factor. Are you safe enough to come out to your parents at this time? I can't judge what your situation is like without being in it so as much as I want to encourage you to go for it, there's potential for it to end really poorly. I think the last sentence you wrote is something you should tell your parents. Try to change their perspective with it. You never know, maybe you can open their minds a bit with just that simple statement. I feel like it's quite a powerful one. It's your life and your parents shouldn't be the ones in control causing you to miss out on what you want and need. Sending lots of luck your way, Scout *hugs* I hope whatever you decide to do will work out well for you!!

[Captain Hufflepuff]

Hi Scout,

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I know first hand how hard it is when your parents aren't the most supportive of your identity. When I came out as ace, my parents had a pretty similar reaction to the one yours had (they also begged me not to come out to any of my friends). I can't really relate to being non binary, but I know what it's like to keep something like that secret. After I realized I was ace, it was months before I came out to anyone, and during that whole time, I felt like I was lying to everyone around me, and I felt so guilty. So here's the thing, coming out isn't for the people around you. It's for yourself. And yeah, I'm one to talk. There's still a pretty big group of people in my life that I probably won't ever come out to, but I guess I'm trying to say that you'll have an easier time being your whole, authentic self if you do come out. I know it's scary, but you are your own person, and your parents can't control that. Also, I want to make sure you know that no matter your identity, you will always be a perfect, genius, and beautiful person. You're not here for your parents' pleasure. No one really wants to disappoint their parents, but sometimes we have no choice.

I happened to read your last post too, and I wanted to say that I'm not non binary, but I can most certainly relate to not wanting to "dress like a girl." I am perfectly content in my cargo pants and t-shirts or button down shirts (sometimes paired with suspenders and bowties, and occasionally a fez). It drives my parents crazy.

Best of luck to you! If you ever need anyone to talk to about parent troubles or high school or anything else (especially Harry Potter), just let me know. You mentioned that you're a bit apprehensive about losing friends, so for whatever it's worth (and it might not be worth much), you've got a friend here.

[Scout the Supreme Overlord]

First off, *major hugs* Having supportive parents, I have no idea what it must be like to feel the need to hide who you are because of previous bad experiences. In your situation, do you feel there will be more benefit to coming out as opposed to drawbacks? What are all the things that could go wrong? What are all the things that could go right? Coming out opens soooo many doors and it's great to get the ball rolling as soon as possible but safety is a big factor. Are you safe enough to come out to your parents at this time? I can't judge what your situation is like without being in it so as much as I want to encourage you to go for it, there's potential for it to end really poorly. I think the last sentence you wrote is something you should tell your parents. Try to change their perspective with it. You never know, maybe you can open their minds a bit with just that simple statement. I feel like it's quite a powerful one. It's your life and your parents shouldn't be the ones in control causing you to miss out on what you want and need. Sending lots of luck your way, Scout *hugs* I hope whatever you decide to do will work out well for you!!

Thank you so much Starry! I can't really tell the benefits and drawbacks, It could only go to either of the extremes. I would definitely be physically safe coming out, but... Not emotionally or mentally. The hugs really help though. I appreciate any suggestions more than you could know!

[Scout the Supreme Overlord]

Hi Scout,

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I know first hand how hard it is when your parents aren't the most supportive of your identity. When I came out as ace, my parents had a pretty similar reaction to the one yours had (they also begged me not to come out to any of my friends). I can't really relate to being non binary, but I know what it's like to keep something like that secret. After I realized I was ace, it was months before I came out to anyone, and during that whole time, I felt like I was lying to everyone around me, and I felt so guilty. So here's the thing, coming out isn't for the people around you. It's for yourself. And yeah, I'm one to talk. There's still a pretty big group of people in my life that I probably won't ever come out to, but I guess I'm trying to say that you'll have an easier time being your whole, authentic self if you do come out. I know it's scary, but you are your own person, and your parents can't control that. Also, I want to make sure you know that no matter your identity, you will always be a perfect, genius, and beautiful person. You're not here for your parents' pleasure. No one really wants to disappoint their parents, but sometimes we have no choice.

I happened to read your last post too, and I wanted to say that I'm not non binary, but I can most certainly relate to not wanting to "dress like a girl." I am perfectly content in my cargo pants and t-shirts or button down shirts (sometimes paired with suspenders and bowties, and occasionally a fez). It drives my parents crazy.

Best of luck to you! If you ever need anyone to talk to about parent troubles or high school or anything else (especially Harry Potter), just let me know. You mentioned that you're a bit apprehensive about losing friends, so for whatever it's worth (and it might not be worth much), you've got a friend here.

FANDOM REFRENCE OVERLOAD

*ahem,* wow, thanks so much! I really do need all of the friends I can get ^_^ so definitely heck yeah let's be friends. I always appreciate the time and thought put into these replies, and I can't believe such wonderful people like you guys exist out there!

[Calligraphette_Coe]

So I need advice. Do I come out as non-binary? Or wait? I realize their reaction: they won't want to be seen as bad parents; they don't want to have to deal with me being upset over losing friends and, by extension, them losing friends and admirers of their perfect, genius, beautiful daughter. I will probably be seen as a disappointment, corrupted my my angsty teenage ways combined with the rebellious disgusting thoughts of the internet.

So I need help. I can't deal with fighting them on two fronts (wow what if I came out as aro too that would be like a cage fight), although every day that goes by I can see the possible good that comes from it, as unlikely as my hopes and dreams are. But each day I go to school desperately wishing I could wear more boyish clothes or at least different clothes from jeans and combat boots; every time I am asked what I want for my birthday or christmas and I desperately want to scream, BINDER!; every moment I spend having to find comfort from dysphoria on places like Pinterest or AVEN while simultaneously being mocked for being a typical moody teen always on electronics, I can't help but dream of what it would be like with supportive parents. I know the response will be bad, but the fact of the matter is, this is not about their life, it's about mine. And I am missing it.

You can't change the cards you are dealt, but you don't have to bet the farm on one hand. Sometimes, I think that that's what coming out into known hostility is like. And that if you do it, you have to be ready for the payoff. In my case, it meant getting disowned and booted out at age 18, and I was 'out' in appearance only.

I 'played the long game', never telling them that I was trans, and floating a lot of trial balloons that got nuked. Then, I started thinking less about what to do next and more on proceeding on a course to what I wanted to _become_. I got an education, started a business, and kept trying to be a lifelong overachiever who never stopped learning or experimenting.

I can't say things worked out for the best, but I can hold my head up and know I did it my way. The times of trouble will happen but they are often only temporary when you play the long game. They are to be expected and absorbed for the lesson they can impart, not so much for the pain they inflict.

What you going thru now seems to last forever, but measured against the fullness of life, they are like a summer thunderstorm-- a rainbow is often the scene that is a reward for weathering the storm.

[Scout the Supreme Overlord]

You guys are the best ^_^ I feel a lot better! And the symbolism of the rainbow- encouraging and hilarious!