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Need Advice On Coming Out Problem


Scout the Supreme Overlord

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Scout the Supreme Overlord

So I am non binary. Not sure which kind yet, but I am trying to figure it out. It's something I would love to explore but... Here's the problem. My parents reacted badly when I came out as ace. Like, crying and whispering and telling me it's just a phase and insisting that I don't come out to my friends.(they actually said that I shouldn't "fly that flag") It has drove a wedge between us that they constantly complain about, even though it is not my fault. Once, when I mentioned that one of my friends was bi and another was pan, my dad interrupted "yeah, and your friends are also in high school" implying invalidation to their sexual orientations. I also expressed sadness at a friend moving away, and said she was important because we came out to each other. They lost all sympathy as they turned from surprised to scared to apathetic to angry. I was taken aback, but I really shouldn't be that surprised anymore.

I realized I was a non binary person of some sort a few days after my first coming out fiasco. So, I made a plan to not come out as non binary until at least after college. At that time, I would have had time to explore in college, I would have been on my own so I could escape the inevitable dysphoria radiating off of them, and I would be old enough for it to be more than a phase. I would have also had time to slowly become more boyish throughout high school (If you want to see how that's going, take a look at my last post.) So I had it all figured out! But each day is basically a living mini-hell. Not that bad in perspective, but bad enough that I'm usually filled with deep seeded anger. Each day I see things go by and feel sad as I am missing them, such as being able to dress my style; cutting my hair; wearing a suit to the prom.

So I need advice. Do I come out as non-binary? Or wait? I realize their reaction: they won't want to be seen as bad parents; they don't want to have to deal with me being upset over losing friends and, by extension, them losing friends and admirers of their perfect, genius, beautiful daughter. I will probably be seen as a disappointment, corrupted my my angsty teenage ways combined with the rebellious disgusting thoughts of the internet.

So I need help. I can't deal with fighting them on two fronts (wow what if I came out as aro too that would be like a cage fight), although every day that goes by I can see the possible good that comes from it, as unlikely as my hopes and dreams are. But each day I go to school desperately wishing I could wear more boyish clothes or at least different clothes from jeans and combat boots; every time I am asked what I want for my birthday or christmas and I desperately want to scream, BINDER!; every moment I spend having to find comfort from dysphoria on places like Pinterest or AVEN while simultaneously being mocked for being a typical moody teen always on electronics, I can't help but dream of what it would be like with supportive parents. I know the response will be bad, but the fact of the matter is, this is not about their life, it's about mine. And I am missing it.

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*disclaimer* I never had to come out as a different gender, so I'll try to help from what I was advised when I had my ace coming out.

1.) Consider coming out to a trusted adult first. I'd strongly advise this one because a) This adult can give advice based on your specific situation and b) parents generally trust other adults' opinion. (Also, it was really validating to be taken seriously by an adult. Confidence ++)

2.) Make a plan. Consider the different possibilities of what they might say and think of responses to these comments/questions. This should help you come off as more confident. More confident = less likely to be doubted.

3.) Come out to only one of them first. Parents generally have more power than children in any given situation, so facing only one will might help.

4.) If you think they might make a scene, tell them in a public place (If that doesn't bother you). This is more of 'what kind of people are your parents' type deal. In my experience, parents generally don't like making a big scene in public so this might cause them to reconsider and think about any overreactions they might initially have. If you know for a fact that they won't mind making a scene, disregard this one.

5.) Tell the parent that you think would react best (or 'not quite as horribly as the other'). If it goes well, consider having that parent back you up when you face the other, also maybe consider having that parent broach the topic with the other before you officially come out to avoid any really bad initial reactions.

I know that this may not be exactly what you had in mind, but I wanted to at least pass along the advice I was given.

Considering what your situation is, I think waiting to come out would be a very good idea,especially if you wait until you are no longer a dependent and/or no longer living with them.

Stay safe, I hope to here how things go sometime in the future!

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