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Asexual men(IMPORTANT)


newgirl

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I think the reason people think that there are less asexuals of 40+ is because us 40+ people still may not realise that there's a term for their lack of sex drive, there's still many who don't have cause to use the Internet, also, speaking as someone fast approaching 50, having no sex drive for my generation is Sen as completely abnormal, on one side of my family, I am seen as "gay" because I've never married, I have no kids that I've abandoned, or kids with a wife or partner, as a "gay" I've been ousted out of that part of the family complete with the death threats if I attempt to contact or speak to any member of the family, so for some, it's the case they wouldn't dare admit to their asexuality.

Definitely. It's not that there are actually fewer older aces, but older aces are less likely to find out their asexuality or hang out in online asexual communities for various reasons. But since most aces can only meet other aces online, it's still safe to say older aces have a harder time connecting with other aces close to their age.

I only got a computer when I was in my 40's, I googled "someone who has no sex drive " or something of that nature, it came up with the term asexual & pointed me to this site which is where I learned that there's others like myself, also that there's a term for people alike to us on here, but many of my generation probably wouldn't want to admit that they have a low sex drive, therefore they'd never look for a site like this, I would also like to add, I have never knowingly met a fellow asexual in person, my only contract with asexuals is via Aven

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Plectrophenax
[…]

I'm not entirely sure I even understand what is meant by 'chasing' or, to be more precise, what it is motivated by. From what I can see, it is primarily influenced by a general and, in most cases, highly superficial appeal - be it physical or otherwise. After that, it just becomes a forceful introduction to that person, a struggle to include them into your life first as an acquaintance, then as a friend and then, ideally, as a partner. But the term 'chasing' does make it sound as though you won't let a little initial disinterest or even resistance stop you - and then it becomes a clear infringement of boundaries. I have heard people justify this by saying "how else should forming relationships work?" and I suppose that's a relatable stance. Still, I'm not surprised that 'chasing' people is something many, asexuals included, feel no strong need to cultivate.

That said, you seem to have a rather more humble understanding of what 'chasing' implies [i.e. taking someone out or celebrating holidays]. Both of these things require consent. As such, I would be surprised if there was no "male version of you" especially since you address specifically and exclusively "asexual men looking for a girlfriend or wife" - something that got lost a little in the ensuing discussion, it seems. If you look around on AVEN you'll find plenty of asexual people who, say, actively date. They might not sweep you off your feet [like the insufferable protagonist in Big Fish for those of you who know that film] but they might still ask to get to know you better. "Openness to emotional healthy relationships with a person", as you put it, is not rare in the asexual community - but you do seem to want more than just 'openness'.

Personally, I really dislike that kind of thing [it happened to me twice and both times I handled it about as well as an elephant handles dancing lessons in a porcelain shop]. I dislike it because I have to assume it is a superficial interest disguised as something more 'profound'. I dislike it because it comes with high, indeed immeasurable expectations that I know I cannot fulfill [and I'm not even talking about sexual reciprocity alone]. And I dislike it because I cannot understand relations arising from anything but friendship or friendship-like states - yet if someone comes and 'chases' you, it is clear that they want to essentially skip that step, or accept your friendship but expect and desire more right from the beginning.

However, it is flattering. I can understand why one would enjoy being courted in such a way. It also is undeniably easier to have a person present themselves to you and merely being the one to accept or deny - especially when you happen to be on the lookout for a partner yourself. But, alas, you can't expect such behaviour from people and can certainly not demand it.

I also see people not even trying wih is sad to me.

Some people do not want to try anymore. romantic or nonromantic relationship

I realise that you are talking about people who claim to want [romantic] relationships but for one reason or another don't try. If someone comes along and demonstrates interest, they will not feel inclined to become proactive, motivated as it were by their own desire to form a relationship. I can understand that being frustrating to witness, and I will agree that witnessing such crippling inadequacy to pursue one's own actual interest can be sad. But you do not know if they truly desire a relation or whether they are more prone to the idea of a relatonship.

The solution really can't be that you "give up on people again" just because you are around asexuals who do not actively chase you. If they claim interest in forming relationships, why not approach them with a little less force than 'chasing' implies? Since you yourself desire a relation and do not yourself chase anyone, it does seem rather hypocritical to expect from them what you yourself aren't doing and indeed actively dislike - you should understand their position all the better and may be very capable of using that initial sympathy to start a conversation that may - or may not - lead to dates and holidays.

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I've "chased" my boyfriend in terms of reaching out to him first. If I would've waited for him to miraculously find my profile and contact me first, I would've missed a great guy. Would it have helped my self-confidence if he had been the one chasing me? Yes, by a lot. Does it make a difference now that we're in a relationship? Nope.

And trust me, I know about small dating pools. I somehow fished him out of the farthest place in the world, Australia! (As far as you can get, technically, from Eastern Canada) :P

I like hearing stories like this

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Plectrophenax,

I think you've skip some of my post in this thread . I've only had 1 man/only boyfriend chase me in my whole life( i'm 46 yrs old). The rest of the times, i was doing the chasing ( talk to the man first ,giving out my number). Right now is a BAD time for me,I am ending a 7 year relationship with the only boyfriend i had in my life, the only man who ever chase me. I am NOW going back to the life before this man.I hated,hated this life because i had no friends or no boyfriends. What does a person do when people tell you get use to doing things yourself not friends or boyfriends.Ummmm before my ex-boyfriends this was my life. for over 27 years. so i want to know how it feel to have long tern friends and a boyfriend. I need to stop because finding a romance old fashion asexual childfree man over 40 in California will be a miracle . open a woman door,pay for meals, take his woman out to social events ,vaule emotional intimacy, hold hands doesn't want outercourse,oral sex vgainal intercourse

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To aseuxal men looking for a girlfriend or wife not friendship

How many of you guys like to chase women

My experience for the last 11 years bring around asexual men, you guys do not make the first move or chase women romantically. I know there has to be a male version of me

I WANT to hear from asexual men who love to chase asexual women. nonsexually flower,take a woman out.. .celebrate birthdays,holidays ,valentine day etc

I don't chase women for a couple reasons... primarily I'm too shy to do that (all my romantic relationships were initiated by the female).

And since I finally realized I'm Ace I really don't want to pursue anyone since I don't know any Ace females in the "real world". Which would mean I'd be stuck pursuing sexual females, which is a disaster. So nope, not happening.

I'll smile at a female I think is nice or attractive and talk to her a little but that's it, not going beyond that.

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I'm pretty extroverted and I do chase girls. I've used Tinder in the past and been on God knows how many dates. The thing is that nothing ever comes out of those dates because the people I've been dating haven't been asexual. I just gotta keep trying til I find one.

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Plectrophenax

[…]

I did get that you were 'forced' into pursuing partners - that's just what has to be done if you are looking for someone while others don't also happen to look for [and find] you. And I also understand that you are now back in that situation [though hopefully you have made some friends in those seven years].

I just got the impression that you either expect too much too soon [what you call 'chasing' (going out, celebrating holidays, the frankly outdated idea that men open women's doors, etc) is really nothing rare in developing relationships though it might not be something you get right from the start], or that you are primarily musing about how nice it would be to be courted and that, if that doesn't happen, you'll "give up on people". If I'm not grossly misinterpreting your posts, my suggestions are thus either to lower your expectations regarding courtship, or to not give up on a relationship due to an unlucky and/or strenuous streak.

I need to stop because finding a romance old fashion asexual childfree man over 40 in California will be a miracle .

I have to admit, I know many people who think that finding a romantic partner that 'fits' is a miracle even when sexuality isn't considered an issue at all. The more necessary prerequisites are demanded, the less likely it becomes to find an appropriate partner, be it by chance or by force. I can really only recommend you make use of the services of today [online platforms or social dating events] in addition to remaining alert.

There's no easy answer. But surely "I need to stop" is the worst decision you could make, especially if you feel forced into it against your actual will. And I stress this because, ultimately, what you expect from a partner doesn't seem at all unreasonable.

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I'm very introverted, I don't see the outside light often in my free time. So I don't really get to meet new people. Which I'm not even bothered by. Because my online connections and work satisfy my need for social interactions.

Having 2 cats comforts me in living alone... But not completely anymore, missing someone to be emotionally close to. More like a companion, a life partner. You know someone pretty much like me. That would be awesome.

31 years old this year, Doubtful if I ever would find someone that would seeking the same, I took a brave step in trying dating sites... Kind of knowing that it would probably be not for me, but back then I didn't know any better and thought I'd just had to get into this stuff and learn. Hit a few walls ect. This was before I even knew about all the stuff here on AVEN. And I can tell you, to amount of time I've spent per profile in trying to get a picture of the person behind it is probably 10x more than anyone else would spent on that site. Carefully crafting a message that seemed interestingly enough. Never anything sexual of nature, because I always thought that these things came so much later in the relationship 'game', after getting to know each other really well. I'm probably very picky too, selecting the women I have sent a message to. Awaiting a reply or indication she read them for days before moving the next few. Sometimes weeks between each other.

Maybe that's chasing enough? I didn't really like to do it. It sounds clingy. I wouldn't know, I am bad at this romantic stuff. But it was pretty much necessary evil I guessed. It ate through any confidence pretty fast whenever someone just visited me and not even replied. The only few messages that did get replied to were from underneath the ace umbrella. Strange for me at the time, since sex wasn't anywhere on my priority list. I casually went into conversation with her. Fast forward to now through talking, I discovered AVEN. Then all things made sense...

Are we so much in the minority here? I am baffled so much to say... Maybe men who are asexual, but not know it, have a higher tolerance for getting into sexual relationships, because the other parts of the relationship outweigh it? And thus never come out?

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I'm pretty extroverted and I do chase girls. I've used Tinder in the past and been on God knows how many dates. The thing is that nothing ever comes out of those dates because the people I've been dating haven't been asexual. I just gotta keep trying til I find one.An

An extroverted asexual man who chase women.Kirahvi PLEASE,Please do not let sexual women stop you from chasing women period. ( Hallelujah" song ) This post has made my day

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[…]

I did get that you were 'forced' into pursuing partners - that's just what has to be done if you are looking for someone while others don't also happen to look for [and find] you. And I also understand that you are now back in that situation [though hopefully you have made some friends in those seven years].

I just got the impression that you either expect too much too soon [what you call 'chasing' (going out, celebrating holidays, the frankly outdated idea that men open women's doors, etc) is really nothing rare in developing relationships though it might not be something you get right from the start], or that you are primarily musing about how nice it would be to be courted and that, if that doesn't happen, you'll "give up on people". If I'm not grossly misinterpreting your posts, my suggestions are thus either to lower your expectations regarding courtship, or to not give up on a relationship due to an unlucky and/or strenuous streak.

I need to stop because finding a romance old fashion asexual childfree man over 40 in California will be a miracle .

I have to admit, I know many people who think that finding a romantic partner that 'fits' is a miracle even when sexuality isn't considered an issue at all. The more necessary prerequisites are demanded, the less likely it becomes to find an appropriate partner, be it by chance or by force. I can really only recommend you make use of the services of today [online platforms or social dating events] in addition to remaining alert.

There's no easy answer. But surely "I need to stop" is the worst decision you could make, especially if you feel forced into it against your actual will. And I stress this because, ultimately, what you expect from a partner doesn't seem at all unreasonable.

Right now, I'm MORE focused on creating long term healthy friendships not boyfriend or husband..I never had adult friends offline.I've only had online acquaintance. I hate to sound like a broken record but I've learn allot being around asexual, celibate, virgin ,incel, shy,introvert,quirly and/or depress men in the last 15 years and a sexual man in 8 years. If an asexual man is not mentally and emotional healthy ,a woman has no prayer with this man. If a sexual man is not mentally,emotionally and physically healthy, a woman has no prayer with this man. A man who stop learning from life experiences, will be a bad husband or boyfriend. As a woman who dated a sexual man for 8 years, my ex- boyfriends was emotionally unavailable and all he had was sex as a crutch. he didn't want to get emotional healthy and i believe in healthy relationship.

For me, i see allot of unhealthy men online who do not want to get emotionally and mentally healthy and that is why, we see these men not interested in chasing women or open to women chasing them.

Plectrophenax, i am just getting out of an 8 years relationship, I don't know if i want a boyfriend or husband. The only thing i DO know, i do not want to date another sexual man.

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Prufrock, but like, worse

If wanting relationships to be a game is healthy, then I'm proud to be unhealthy.

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touching-not-so-much

If wanting relationships to be a game is healthy, then I'm proud to be unhealthy.

I like the way this was stated and I agree with it 1001%.

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For me, i see allot of unhealthy men online who do not want to get emotionally and mentally healthy and that is why, we see these men not interested in chasing women or open to women chasing them.

This is a ridiculous statement. You're saying that any man who is not chasing women is emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I can't believe anyone actually thinks like this. Just because that's what you and your ego want doesn't mean it's the definition of healthy for all males (or any).

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Joe the Stoic

It really doesn't seem like it pays to chase women. Virtually everything is creeping and sexual harassment these days. Doesn't matter if you are asexual. Having a penis makes you an aggressor too often in the eyes of just enough people for a misunderstanding to be a frightening risk, especially if you want to have a career in politics as I do. It's safer just to be single and to live with that, whatever burdens it may entail.

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For me, i see allot of unhealthy men online who do not want to get emotionally and mentally healthy and that is why, we see these men not interested in chasing women or open to women chasing them.

I'm sorry but you're asking people to go against their nature just to compliment your egocentric beliefs and addiction to romantic flattery.

I'm "unhealthy" because I was born like this....and society has treated me like shit. More so on the latter probably. If I start chasing women just because it was "the norm" decades ago in my culture regardless of being attracted to them or not, it will result in MANY awkward situations for both and could lead me into getting in trouble, making me feel even worse. I can't even tell if someone would want me "chasing" them. My dad was an over-confident arrogant womanising narcissist....I would rather die than try to be like him.

I've tried to reach out to make friends before and got hurt in the process because they didn't actually want me to be a friend or someone to hang around all the time. Some of those were two-faced too, where they pretended to be a friend when they were alone but when someone else was there for them, I was treated like an enemy, stalker or just someone who'd stopped by for a quick chat. Some people also gave ambiguous messages too, making unclear of what they wanted. Having Asperger's means that small social cues, metaphors, ambiguous social messages or contradictory behaviour does nothing but confuses me further. Also as an INTP, I can spot inconsistencies and contradictions a mile away and soon bring up a concern of a lie, which triggers the defence mechanisms of that person (knowing they're guilty) and thus hostile behaviour fuelling tensions. Result? End of friendship. Well, it would be if there actually was one in the first place.

I don't like being lied to, I don't like lying to others.

Guest,

There is nothing WRONG with being mentally and emotionally healthy and men chasing women. Also do not mix up over-confident arrogant womanising narcissist. man who chase women. with an one woman romantic man who wants to chase women. BIG DIFFERANCE. There are allot of people in this world especially men who choose not to get emotionally or mentally healthy and gives excuses. Some people need medication(bipolar or isssue) to get healthy but some people choose not to get healthy.

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If wanting relationships to be a game is healthy, then I'm proud to be unhealthy.

Why would anybody by choice want to be emotionally/mentally unhealthy toward friends, boyfriend or girlfriend?

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For me, i see allot of unhealthy men online who do not want to get emotionally and mentally healthy and that is why, we see these men not interested in chasing women or open to women chasing them.

This is a ridiculous statement. You're saying that any man who is not chasing women is emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I can't believe anyone actually thinks like this. Just because that's what you and your ego want doesn't mean it's the definition of healthy for all males (or any).

12,

OH gosh !I must be hitting a nerve because the men who don't like to chase women or be in a relationship are waking up.YOU, YOU 12 who needs to put his ego DOWN and stop making being unhealthy a BAD word,i'm not . My 15 year experience on Virgin site ,Incel site and AVEN I observe men especially asexual men. I've heard excuses why men didn't date and some of these men were mentally and emotionally unhealthy.

People PLEASE stop making being emotionally and mentally HEALTHY a crime or bad, it NOT. What is BAD is people choosing to be emotionally and mentally UNHEALTHY.There is nothing wrong with people seeking a therapist or psychologist to become a better friend, boyfriend,girlfriend ,husband or wife.

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Prufrock, but like, worse

If wanting relationships to be a game is healthy, then I'm proud to be unhealthy.

Why would anybody by choice want to be emotionally/mentally unhealthy toward friends, boyfriend or girlfriend?

Maybe because the picture you paint of "mentally healthy" is for a lot of people denying who they truly are? I said "if," and it's a big "if."

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Plectrophenax

Playing a bit of Devil's Advocate here, I don't think newgirl meant to imply that anyone and everyone who doesn't pursue a partner [in this case women] is emotionally and mentally unhealthy, but that there are people who would like relationships [whether they claim they do or deny it to themselves] and don't pursue women. The latter is not a completely extreme claim either, considering what newgirl takes the pursuing of women to mean [i.e. basic consideration of and emotional interest in the person].

That there are such people seems to me undeniable, and it seems to me justifiable to call their mental state 'unhealthy'. Though I would hazard that this is not uniquely attributable to asexual people, but I don't think that was implied either.

Correct me if I'm wrong, newgirl. Because if you are indeed saying that a healthy mental and emotional state is synonymous with one that has a desire for romantic [or even just flirtatious] partnership, then you are in the wrong place and, dare I say, of the wrong mind.

By the way, even if I wasn't aromantic I'd never go after you anyway....unless I'm carrying an axe at the time.

With all due respect, that was completely uncalled for.

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Squirrel Combat

Playing tag with a girl would sure be fun. :D

No, seriously, I'm a pretty bad flirter. I'm more of the "Hey, let's go out right now and deal with the compatibility issues later," type.

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Totally agree with not liking the pursuit of romance being a game.

If I ever get the sense of someone either playing games or playing, "hard to get", then I'll just decide that it's more hassle than it's worth and not bother.

People should just be up-front and honest with each other.

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IBendTheLine

I don't necessarily pursue relationships. Outside of being open to something happening, and making moves to make friends and hang out more often, I don't really do anything. There's no fake-date setups, no formally asking them out of I can avoid it. For me, if I definitely want one then I will, but if not, then I'll let it come to me or happen naturally. It's honestly better that way for me.

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Lord Jade Cross
I have to agree with whats being said about how it can sound like its being implied that anyone who doesnt seek out relationships is mentally unhealthy because that makes it sound as if everyone is obligated to do so which would throw us back to all the times a social condition/mentality has been forced upon people and I think most of us know (and many have lived through it) what happens when we pretend to be in agreement with an ideal that in our very core doesnt work.
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Siimo van der fietspad

I suppose I can be considered to have 'chased' women both before and in the short period after I realised I was asexual. But I always felt establishing friendship was the first stage, and then once there was that initial connection I could move forward and suggest something deeper. The second stage was not very often successful; possibly this is what is referred to as the 'friend zone', but frankly I can't understand why you would want to be in a relationship with somebody who you weren't friends with.

Regarding Acebook, I have made most of the initial contact with women there, sending messages based on people with shared interests whom I feel I would get along with. This certainly counts as chasing, even if it is a dating site where we can reasonably assume people are looking to be hit upon. I'm pleased to say that I've had an extended conversation with somebody I am getting increasingly fond of, so I hope I can make it work.

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Midnight Star

When men chase women, it's usually because they are sexually attracted to them. Asexual men are not sexually attracted to women. So the odds of being chased by an asexual man is not high at all. There simply isn't much incentive to do so. There's also the predicament that Joe mentioned.

Also I've noticed that asexual men tend to be less adherent to gender roles, especially concerning dating.

I actually met an asexual girl in real life. When she found out that I was asexual I can tell that she was expecting me to chase her. But why would I do that? Orientation alone says nothing about compatibility.

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For me, i see allot of unhealthy men online who do not want to get emotionally and mentally healthy and that is why, we see these men not interested in chasing women or open to women chasing them.

This is a ridiculous statement. You're saying that any man who is not chasing women is emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I can't believe anyone actually thinks like this. Just because that's what you and your ego want doesn't mean it's the definition of healthy for all males (or any).

12,

OH gosh !I must be hitting a nerve because the men who don't like to chase women or be in a relationship are waking up.YOU, YOU 12 who needs to put his ego DOWN and stop making being unhealthy a BAD word,i'm not . My 15 year experience on Virgin site ,Incel site and AVEN I observe men especially asexual men. I've heard excuses why men didn't date and some of these men were mentally and emotionally unhealthy.

People PLEASE stop making being emotionally and mentally HEALTHY a crime or bad, it NOT. What is BAD is people choosing to be emotionally and mentally UNHEALTHY.There is nothing wrong with people seeking a therapist or psychologist to become a better friend, boyfriend,girlfriend ,husband or wife.

LOL it's gotten to the point that it's comical to see you attempting to defend your one-size fits all, narrow minded opinion.

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SorryNotSorry

Oh, for chrissakes, you people!!!

AFAIC people who want relationships should just put their cards on the table and start doing group interviews. So what if it sounds dehumanizing? It's more direct and honest than shot-in-the-dark chasing and flirting!

I mean, it's like what George Carlin once said about refrigerators: know what you want when you open the refrigerator door. It may be in there, or it may not... but don't just stand there, unable to make up your mind.

Seriously, people who have no idea what kind of person they want in a relationship make the situation that much more fruitless and frustrating for those of us who do. Go away and come back when you figured out what you want.

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