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Do all aromantics think this way?


TiffanyJung

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TiffanyJung

So I recently came across this article and it just makes me sad. It makes me sad to think that people actually hate us simply because of how we feel :(

https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/category/aromanticism-2/

It makes me sad because I know that I don't hate you for not feeling romantic love.I don't like the idea that you're not even open to trying to understand it but I still don't hate you. Just like you did no wrong we didn't either.

:(

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Fist, I think it worth realizing that this is a blog, made for the express purpose of stating one's opinion and cannot and will never speak for everyone single person. No one can do that.

Next, the issue being addressed here, as far as I can tell, is the erasure of aromanticism by the media, and not aimed at all romantics. The writer suggests that when people who are clearly in romantic relationships make it seem that they're not, it's erasing the experience of aromantics. This is made even worse when celebrities do it. Everyone knows they're in a romantic relationship even though they play it off by using phrases like "gal pal". This goes on the media and into the minds of the people who keep up with this sort of stuff. The consequence is that when aromantics say that they're in a platonic relationship, nobody believes them because people have associated "just friends" with "romantic partners" and the what the aromantics experiences is erased.

The writer, I believe, is calling out people who do this. They aren't expressing hate towards romantics, just explaining seemingly harmless things that romantics might do that invalidate aromantics.

Edit: whoops, I didn't read until the end of the article. I take that last paragraph back. But I still need to emphasise that the writer is speaking for themself, and not for everyone.

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I personally don't hate romantic people since I know humans are complex creatures and I can't judge an entire person based on their romantic inclination, but I can definitely understand where the author is coming from.

Being aromantic, for me friendships are what I consider to be my most precious form of a relationship and that's where I pour all of my love, attention, affection, and care. I love my friends to death in a way that has no romantic or sexual undertones, but I also know that I can pretty much never expect that in return from any of my alloromantic friends. To them friendship is and will probably always be a step below "romantic" feelings and relationships. Eventually when they get boyfriends and girlfriends I'll be put on the back-burner and my worth as a person they are in a relationship with will never be able to compete to with their romantic relationships.

Personally I have accepted this and hope that someday I will be able to make aromantic friends who will value me the same way I value them, but for someone like the author or your article, seeing the relationships that they value and love and pour their heart into being laughed at and devalued by millions of people probably hurt them very deeply. And so I can understand why other aromantic people don't trust alloromantics with themselves and even actively push them away in an effort to not be hurt, but you'll find that there are many aromantics who don't think twice about this kind of thing so I wouldn't worry too much about it and just make sure you're aware and educated on our experiences with romantic people.

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Not for the first time, that blog takes some valid points and then messes them up by overgeneralizing in a condescending, accusatory tone.

You know I have no love for romance, myself - to put it mildly - but yep, that one is a bit much even for my taste, and even I wouldn't put my +1 below it.

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@SimplyFox: I couldn't agree with you more! I'm super happy that I have some very devoted friends, that are still close to me, even though they are in relationships or even married. But I can never expect them to do the stuff and sacrifices they'd make for their partners, to do for me. As one pointed out: "that would be unreasonable". I'm not mad at them for this. I have accepted that that's how romantics prioritize it and I'm glad, that they still hold me so close to their hearts.

So while I'm not generally ok with the way the blog post is written, I do kind off get the bitterness behind it. Though they really overstepped big time with their accusatory tones, like it's somehow the fault of romos. (Still, I pretty much see, were they are coming from).

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Telecaster68

It reads to me like the writer's bitterness and agenda is blinding her to what the 'gal pals' stories are actually about - making fun of celeb lesbian couples who insist they're straight despite it being blatantly obvious that they're not. I doubt the writers of the original stories even know aromanticism exists, let alone thinking 'I know, let's write a bunch of stories specifically to make aromantics feeled erased',

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Dodecahedron314

Are all aros just raging alloromantic-haters who never wish to be sullied by the company of anyone who's ever been romantically attracted to anyone? No.

Are all aros, on some level, frustrated with the fact that we perpetually get the short end of the stick in terms of the lower level of importance that people place on our friendships and platonic relationships because of how the relationship hierarchy has shaken out, not even out of any deliberate spite or malice on the part of alloromantic people, but just because we're so unknown and romance is just such a big deal for so many people that anyone who doesn't participate in it just gets automatically pushed to the side by media, social structures, and pretty much everything else that has anything to do with alloromantic people--that is to say, almost everything in existence? I would wager yes.

I'm not going to say I agree with every single thing that The Thinking Aro says, and certainly not with the way that everything is presented--as with everything, there are multiple sides to every story, and call me naive, but I would say that there's much less in the way of deliberate erasure of aro experiences out there than the author suggests. (Also, it's worth noting that the author admits that these viewpoints are by no means representative of those of the wider aro community.) However, I have to say that this blog makes some very good points. Is the way that aros are often thrown under the bus the result of some evil alloromantic waking up in the morning and saying "Today would be a great day to force everybody to conform to amatonormative standards!"? No. It is, however, a consequence of the relative obscurity of aromanticism, the way that many alloromantic people can't fathom what it's like to not have the drive to seek out a significant other to marry and spend the rest of your days with, the combination of individual priorities and societal expectations (which are by no means separate from each other) that results in friendships being automatically seen as subordinate to romantic relationships in terms of commitment and emotional intensity...the list goes on. At this point, amatonormativity has become so ingrained into society that 99.5% of people who aren't directly affected by it don't even notice it--after all, if you're a fish who's perfectly happy in the water all around you, you're bound to look weirdly at a polar bear the first time you see one come up for air. It's nobody's fault that you're a fish and they're a polar bear, but when you start insisting that the polar bear stays underwater for longer and longer, or when you insist that rising sea levels are perfectly fine because that means more water for you to swim around in despite the fact that the polar bears are in dire straits if they have no dry land, that's when we have a problem.

tl;dr: No, but that doesn't mean that these frustrations aren't still important or that the things that cause them don't need to be addressed.

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Yeah, wow. Honestly? With all that blind and misguided hatred she's packing around, it's no big surprise to me that she's not found the sort of friendships and connections she's looking for. I mean, seriously, read that article again and just try to tell me with a straight face that this would be a fun person to hang around.

Anyway, NO, not all aromantic people are like that. I highly doubt even most of them are.

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  • 4 months later...

i have mixed feelings about them. on one hand, most of their blogs are very useful for understanding the gray areas of relationships however, i have to deal with constantly feeling frustrated with them.

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