Head Spinning a Bit

[A_Dad]

Hi All:

I watched an interview linked to Huffington Post today where a woman discussed being asexual. I had never heard the term before but it immediately made my stomach drop because it sounded a lot like me. She mentioned AVEN during the interview so I checked this website out. And now my head is spinning a bit and I simultaneously feel some shame for trying to ignore my reality and relief that I'm not completely alone.

A little about me...I am a 39 year old man and have been married to my partner for nearly 12 years. As my name suggests, I am a dad of two children. My partner and I have actually never had sexual intercourse. (We used artificial insemination to conceive.) In fact, I've never been able to have intercourse with anyone.

My wife is the most amazing person on the planet. I did not know how significant my aversion to sex was until after she and I were married. I had a number of relationships before my wife, but I always found a reason to break it off when it seemed about time to have sex. My wife had a bad sexual experience before meeting me, so when we were dating, there was never any pressure or expectation that we would have sex. I didn't want to have sex, and her lack of interest made everything work perfectly.

However, my wife is a sexual person. She has sexual desires and as our marriage progressed, it was obvious that I simply cannot fulfill them entirely. I pleasure her orally and digitally sometimes. I enjoy giving her pleasure. But I am reluctant to let her reciprocate. I know that she is hurt by this. And I know that she wishes we could change this one thing about me. I've often felt like a failure, that I let her down and that she deserves better than me.

She and I have talked about it throughout our marriage. She is incredible. And kind. And understanding. But I have a really hard time explaining it to her. I don't understand it myself to be honest. That's why seeing that interview today and finding this website is such a big deal.

We have only ever told two people about our lack of sexual activity. We told the doctor at the fertility clinic before she was inseminated the first time. He suggested we see a sex therapist. So, we obviously told her. She was horrible, judgmental and aggressive....especially towards my wife. So we never went back.

We have such an incredible relationship, except for this one issue. And honestly, we haven't talked about it, and it hasn't really seemed to have been much of an issue since our second child was born two years ago. I've got to do some serious reading on here. If anyone has any thoughts or experiences that they could share, it would mean so much to me.

Thanks so much.

PS: One final thing that may be relevant is that I was sexually abused a few times when I was five years old by a married couple in my neighborhood. Their daughter was in my kindergarten class and my parents both worked. So I stayed at their house in the morning until the bus arrived. My wife knows about it. I am 99% sure my mother knows it happened. But I've never spoken to anyone about it as an adult other than my wife.

[Star Bit]

Yah, being Stone can be a major issue (i.e. a term usually used on gay sexual women who have to give and cannot recieve sexual pleasure, but it's starting to be used outside that community so it can be used on asexuals). Alot of sexual people aren't ok with one sided sex, and there's really nothing you can about that kind of sexual incomparability. She either takes what you can comfortably give her, you don't have sex at all (i.e. for some zero is better than not enough), or have a polyamorous or open relationship (two different things).

Is she not ok with sex toys? There are also many forms of sex, so maybe she'd be ok with some other, but it is common for sexual people to require penetrative sex. And while your abuse could possibly be the cause of your sex preference, it is most likely not the cause of your asexuality. Sadly, sexual abuse is very common, so it's just a coincidental overlap. But to clarify, you don't actually desire any form of sex, right? (i.e. there are sexual people who only desire non-penetrative sex)

[A_Dad]

Thanks so much Star. She is okay with sex toys. We've used them. I think if we explore this community, it could really help. I think her biggest issue is that she feels that my lack of interest is a reflection on her. Maybe learning about others in a similar situation would alleviate some of these concerns.

I'd never heard the term "Stone" before, but I've always sort of thought our relationship could probably function best as something akin to a "one-sided" lesbian relationship. (I apologize for not having a sophisticated lexicon regarding Queer issues. I certainly hope I don't offend anyone with my ignorance.)

And Star, no. I don't desire any form of sex. When I say that I enjoy giving her pleasure, I mean in the sense that I want her to be happy. I don't get sexual pleasure myself from it. I am not repulsed by it or anything though. I hope that makes sense.

[Andiamo]

Hello and welcome to AVEN! I'm glad you found us. I know how life-changing it can be to hear about asexuality for the first time. I'm sure you'll find that everyone here is incredibly accepting, supportive, and understanding; many of us have had very similar experiences.

I'm sorry that your asexuality is a problem for your wife, but at least it sounds like it's not too terrible. I have heard stories of couples where it's a much bigger issue, so I'm happy to hear one where it's not hurting the marriage. I am not trying to invalidate any issues that it does cause, but help you to see that it doesn't have to change anything. You are still the same person in the same (presumably) happy marriage. You just have a better understanding of yourself now.

[kelico]

Welcome to AVEN! Thank you for sharing your story! I'm so glad that you found your way here. : ) It's great that we can find information in unexpected places that give us that ah-ha moment! It can be tough at first...so just take your time. Explore the site, ask questions, and see what resonates with you. It sounds like you have a really wonderful wife that's been understanding! If you need some more advice in regards to your relationship, I suggest the Asexual Relationships part of the forum or the FAQs on the main page. : ) You can find lots of awesome and supportive people that can relate to you here, so don't hesitate to join in conversations! Best wishes, and I hope you enjoy being a member~

[Star Bit]

As far as i know, there aren't many Stone people on here (sexual or asexual), or at least ones who talk about it, so you'd probably be better off looking for support on that in a lesbian forum. But the fact that she hasn't gotten over it in your 12 years makes it seem like that's not gunna fix it. However, while it's occasional, i do see posts on people who prefer non-penetrative sex. They don't have a term for it; like Stone, but it is needed. I came up with Coral as a possible name (i.e. they reproduce externally which amounts to external sex; the other options on that list don't work as names but probably insults, heh). Stone Coral sounds neat. Alot of them confused their sexual behavior preference with asexuality, so that's why i asked for that clarification.

[A_Dad]

Thanks so much Kelico and Andiamo. After sleeping on it, I really am relieved/ excited to find this.

Star, I really appreciate the insight.

[Binny]

I don't enjoy sex and I am married. I don't hate it either. My upbringing had something to do with it. But oh well this is the way I am. A sex therapist may be a thought. Problem is to find a good one.