Aromantic but Unsure

[Tyger Songbird]

Let me start here.

I am a dreamer. I tend to live in my head a lot. I used to listen to love songs and sing along to them. I would sing all this "How deep is the Ocean" type song, and I would hope to have that for me one day. That would lead to dreams and fantasies about finding love. I used to often dream about this love song romance, imagining how beautiful to have a love like that. I still do it occasionally. That being said, I dream more at night, but I do daydream at times too. The daydreams were never like sexually suggestive, but were more like pure "white roses" type of love. Non-sexual in nature, and they don't involve really anybody. I haven't daydreamed about it as often lately, but I still daydream about love from time to time.

I tend to daydream a lot, which most people tell me is a bad trait to have. However, I like to believe it can be good as well. It inspires me to do some of my best writing. I think I couldn't write the songs and poems I do without my dreamer persona. Yup, I write song lyrics and poetry. It's one of my passions for me all the while. I can write songs of any nature, but I do often write romantic song lyrics (and they are quite good if you ask me). I don't know if it is just my creative side being brought out of me. It might be. However, for the longest of time, I guess I have just had this in a sense "idealistic" style relationship, with pure bliss and being the knight in shining armor. I have been this way since I was a little kid, I guess. I used to listen to love songs all the time where it would be pretty much la-la land. It's fantasy love. I used to yearn for that. I thought that was something to find. However, I guess I wasn't into dating for real.

I mean, I would get crushes and all that, but I just never felt like I didn't want to date. I used to say that I didn't care because I was more interested in school, trying to graduate and all that. However, past that, I still didn't care. I still don't care to date. That being said, I never cared. it was because I wanted the perfect "love song" in my head, but I knew that was unlikely to exist, I guess. Reality check, I suppose. I thought I wanted to, but it turned out that I only did because everyone else was dating. I wasn't really interested in a particular person, but I only was interested because I saw everyone else do it, and I felt weird that I wasn't. So, I have never been on a date before in my life. That fact doesn't seem to concern me that much.

So, why am I asking and writing this post?

I say this because I think I am aromantic. I wonder whether or not I am truly, though. I don't know, though. I mean, I do imagine at times what it would be like to officially have a first love and a first time as well. That being said, I really don't think I want to do it in reality for some reason. I mean, I see relationships right now, and I just don't find myself all too interested in it. I don't know what to make of it, though. Is it me or is it something psychologically? I can't really tell. I just don't think I would like it at all. My independent nature seems to appreciate it too much. Yet, I still sometimes wonder if love is truly something special. I don't know what to think.

I know one thing, though: these fantasies do seem to be happening because I tend to be a bit lonely or empty at times. I do sometimes struggle with loneliness. That's when I start daydreaming, I guess. Most days I desire to be alone and feel free to roam. However, I do have these days where I feel all alone and want someone to be with me.

On one level, I do have get a little lonely, but then again, I have no desire for a relationship at all. I believe I am aromantic, but then again I have these daydreams. So, what's up. Is it aromantic or something else besides that?

[Mona Lisa]

No one but you can know for sure, but it's possible you are. I have similiar feelings: I have fantasized about having this perfect romantic relationship, but once I'm in one, find I'm not actually interested at all. Loneliness is a very common human emotion, and society tells us that in order to quell it, we should find love. But more often than not that emotional need can be fulfilled with meaningful human relationships of many types: family, friends, etc. Those close relationships are what gets me through my day. If you don't desire a romantic relationship, don't enter one, or at least be prepared to communicate with your partner and possibly break it off if you should realize it doesn't work for you.

[Tyger Songbird]

See, I feel the same way that you do. I just think that I am not personally for relationships. It's just not for me at all. However, I still dream from time to time, especially as I listen to a good love song. However, I never seem to want the fantasy for real. I'm glad that I don't have a girlfriend. I can write about love songs, but I do it more for creativity than anything.

Yeah, I am quite sure that I am really wanting to get into a relationship at all. I like having my time. I would rather have such deeper friendships, but those have been so nonexistent for me in my life. I guess I have a problem making relationships, and I never really was a social person. Parties and even campus life in college was something I could never manuever around. I was basically a social reject all throughout school. I mostly stuck my head in a book, and I would read or write a poem of some sort. I do that, I guess. I like to write a lot, and I guess I live in my head. This is probably why I am wanting more meaningful intimacy, I guess. It's like Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady. I don't have it much now.

So, I guess you can say that I don't have any desire to be in a relationship. I feel like a confirmed bachelor, and I like it a lot to be honest. I'm a Christian, so I always have the Love of God (my belief). So, often, I feel as if I don't need much else. That being said, I do at times feel desire to be in community and closeness with others quite a bit. I do desire to feel love too. The one thing I keep wondering is this: can aromantics like me still sometimes desire to be loved? Is it weird to sometimes to want to be hugged by others from time to time? I still don't know if I can qualify as aromantic? What qualifies as aromantic? I need someone to tell me. I want to know if what I described can truly count.

[Homer]

There is a questionnaire that can be seen as a guideline here.

[Star Bit]

So you do experience crushes, you're just indifferent of acting on it? Or you actually don't want to act on it? If the former then that's still romantic; just's under Gray-romantic's umbrella. If the latter, then that may be Lithromantic aka Aporomantic; which i prefer because its prefix isn't a metaphor (it has another alternative title, but that one has prefix origin issues); which is under the Gray-aromantic umbrella.

Secondly, how old are you? If you're under 20 then your orientation could still be developing.

[Guest]

Moved thread from Questions about Asexuality to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

Nai

Questions about Asexuality Co-Moderator

[Tyger Songbird]

So you do experience crushes, you're just indifferent of acting on it? Or you actually don't want to act on it? If the former then that's still romantic; just's under Gray-romantic's umbrella. If the latter, then that may be Lithromantic aka Aporomantic; which i prefer because its prefix isn't a metaphor (it has another alternative title, but that one has prefix origin issues); which is under the Gray-aromantic umbrella.

Secondly, how old are you? If you're under 20 then your orientation could still be developing.

I am 26 currently. I don't really know if I want to pursue anybody. I never have before ever. I never was interested to date and actually go out and date. I just tend to be in a bit of an uninterested in it. I personally feel like relationships are too much work to me, honestly.

It seems like a lot of difficulty, and from watching others' relationships, I would have to think yes. I personally like to be free and roam all my own. Now, do I feel certain things from time to time? Yes, I guess. However, I say this with a caveat. It is usually after I hear a love song or read a love story like that. It doesn't have to do with me & another person. I just imagine as this perfect moment that isn't real at all. I mean, I imagine like kissing scenes I have seen in movies or picture a love song in my head whatever, and occasionally wonder what it would be like for me. It's a blissful daydream, but it's just a daydream.

I think that's because I used to listen to a lot of love songs, and watch a lot of romantic movies on Hallmark, but that's another thing.

That being said, I can still hug people and am not like asocial. That being said, I also daydream sometimes about what love would feel like for me. See, I have never ever been in love, and usually everybody else is in relationships around me. So, sometimes I do wonder what that's like and whether it's special. I wonder what it's like to fall in love, but it's just not with any specific person. It's just more of "my first love" thing. This is where I get my daydreams, and I get them often. Let me explain this.

See, I dream a lot. I just space out in my own world. I'm a weirdo. At one point, I'm a great musician in Carnegie Hall, and the next I'm a great basketball player. I just daydream, ok? However, I get these dreams inside where I am like a character in a story, It's a love story, and I am watching like a boy and a girl looking at each other, saying their I love yous, and kissing under the sunset. It's so beautiful, so romantic. It's like the most beautiful love scene played out. You could imagine like a harp and piano playing in the background. It's like pure ecstacy, a dream within a dream. That is what is running inside my mind at times. It's robust, to say the least.

It's so powerful for me. It's so crazy for me. What's crazier for me is that I can't seem to escape the dream. My dreams are pretty strong. It's almost like I get lost in them. They are quite powerful. They also have some powerful things in them. I often imagine scenes inside my head where I am dreaming of romantic stuff like kissing and hugging that I see couples do in movies, and it can be quite gripping on my mind. Those are my dreams for you.

So, I do daydream and experience romantic ideation. It can be quite intense as well. I also have in my life experienced really intense crushes on 2 girls, where all my energy and thoughts were on this one person. I used to think and dream up all these love songs and poems that I would write like it was all about them, and how I hoped they would love me back. It was like desperate behavior, and I couldn't live without them type love. However, I never was in love with them looking back. I was more in love with the idea of falling in love. I wasn't close really to either girl, and we never really run in the same circles. It was more of admiring from afar. It now sounds so stupid, but it was past behavior, so I won't kill myself over stupidity in the past. Looking back, I am grateful that my admiring from afar never truly came to be. Here's why.

The more I've gotten to know people and all that, the less attractive they get. I start seeing the flaws and cracks in their personality or emotions and everything else, and I just back away. The perfect picture that is in my head of them becomes marred, I guess. That seems to happen a lot for me. I will meet someone, they will seem nice, but then I get to know them, and I just lose interest or something. I get disinterested in people all too often, and I end up glad to be alone again. Now, years ago back in high school, I did ask I think 1 or 2 girls out 1 time to my rejection on both, but I was glad I didn't date looking back. It just wouldn't be right for me. I like having myself unattached to do the things I like to do. I guess I have this detached personality, where I don't really like to attach to others really because I enjoy being by myself at times. I like to break away from people from time to time, and I like to get by myself from time to time. I like spending time with people if we're doing something like sports or music together like a friendship team, but I'm not into the romantic stuff. I tend to do better in friendship environments than anything, even though I do find certain girls as pretty at times.

Lately, I just haven't been interested in anybody whatsoever. That's weird considering most people are now starting to get married and have had a baby by now. It's weird for me, but I'd just see myself getting bored or just lacking desire for it. I just don't want that. I thought that I was the weird one because I wasn't all about chasing the ladies, but was more into school and books. I just hadn't really been into all that: roses, chocolates, candlelight dinner, and all the pretenses with dating. Ugh! It's just not me. I'm more passionate about sports, music, and writing things than I am in romantic things. I used to think I was deathly afraid or something, but I know now that it's just a complete lack of care for it.

I was naive to things completely, and I didn't know anything. I just found that I was only wanting to have a relationship, because I thought that was what would complete me. It was far from the truth.

Now, not only do I see the stupidity of my ways. I also see that I am not really the type who would have enjoyed to go out on a date. Dating and romance sound like some magical thing in my head, but I know it's not the case in reality. I don't even relate to when people have romantic issues at times. I mean, I can. I just don't care into those details.

In reality, I have really no desire to actually date really. However, I say this knowing that I have a bit of issues with this. I used to ask girls out and all that, but I would get rejected any time I did. I would get these crushes on girls hoping for this fairy-tale princess of a girl, but I never wanted to date. It sounds lovely to fall in love in theory, but I just never wanted to do it in reality. I guess I was dreaming of being in love, but in terms of really wanting to, I never did. Dating never seemed to be something I really was into. It probably saved me from spending a ton on dates.

I wish I could play some of the love songs that I hear, so I could explain the serenity, joy, and amazing aura of bliss it presents. That's my idea in my head. I just know that it's not real at all. I guess i am this "daydreamer" who imagines things like love, but never desires to in reality. I don't know what to call that.

I hope I explained it well enough.

[Tyger Songbird]

See, I have never truly pursued anybody. I just haven't been able to. I think the issue may be a bit two-fold. I am pretty much apathetic towards it all for starters. I mean, I can tell whenever I think a girl has a very pretty face, like a beautiful pair of eyes and hair. I tend to think she is like a princess, I guess. I have like a sense of beauty, per se. However, beauty is only skin deep at that end. I'm more into personas of people and good qualities that they possess too. Things like niceness, sweet, gentle, kind hearts are what I look for. People who say nice things instead of being critical and angry all the time are winners in my book. However, I do see people who are attractive in that sense. it's just in the aesthetic sense, like a work of art by Donatello.

So, whenever I see someone aesthetically attractive (which is pretty rare for me), I just think of it as still art, I guess. So, I am really not all that into it. I don't know whether to say I just haven't met the right person or whatever. I just never really felt like I would want to do that with somebody at all regardless. I am simply not into anybody. So, I guess that explains on one end why I just haven't wanted to date, nor have i felt a need to either. I enjoy my time being single.

That being said, I don't know if I have always felt like that. Sometimes I question why I have never really approached anyone whatsoever. I guess I haven't because I never cared to have sex, have kids, and a family. Yes. I have never really cared to do the whole dating scene. Yes. However, I have written before that I did use to hope to have my first love. I did use to hope to actually find love. Now, I just don't care. I've seen too much drama for me to ever want to care.

However, when I did use to care, what stopped me before from ever truly trying was this underlying sense of fear that can act as a paralysis for me. It happens in all social situations, but it was I guess worst whenever girls were around. See, I never developed any social skills as a kid. I loved video games, so I stayed on those, and never got to be around people. So, I'm socially undeveloped in a sense. It's not as bad now, but I used to get really intimidated or apprehensive around people. That was especially true around girls, especially those aesthetically attractive. I think it was because I was never around girls, as I held a very rigid legalistic mindset, driven towards college and high-status work. Though my parents were still like sexually open and frank and encouraged sex to their weirded-out son, I basically was the shy guy and sheltered himself away from everybody as much as possible. I would keep myself away and drive away any and everybody from getting close to me. That was especially true with girls.

I never really had friends who were girls, and I always hung around other guys. So, I never really learned what girls like & wanted, and I never really learned how to talk to them (or anybody for that matter). I guess that's one way you stay a virgin at 26. So, I just basically stayed away from girls, to avoid any stupid blunders and craziness. I used to do that a lot. I would often get nervous with a pulsating heart rate just being around girls, because it meant I had to say something. I just knew I would say something stupid in reply. I feared looking stupid. So, I would say something, and then I would instantly think of how stupid I was for saying it. I'd just picture her laughing at me in my head, though it probably didn't happen. Though I know my fears weren't real, yet I was still afraid, I guess.

I had other reasons to be apprehensive towards girls as well. I never thought I was a hot guy. After all, I wasn't myself some hunk. I'm skinny like a bean pole, with like no muscles. That with a few other physical flaws and I'm pretty much unattractive. Would I call myself ugly? Not so far, but I knew I was just weird in a sense. So, I guess I never really approached anyone from self-conscious shyness. Then again, I didn't really want to date, spend money, and spend laborious time trying to get someone. I don't even like to do what most people like to do anyway. I don't drink, go to clubs, and live crazy. I'm just me. Having to do that to keep someone pleased. Yipes! Basically, it all got to be so much that I just stopped asking all together to free from the stress of it all. Even if it was someone who I thought to be aesthetically pleasing, I didn't want to do any of that. It became superfluous. It sounds weird, but it's the truth.

I think the more I got older, the more I understand me. The funny thing is now that I have grown older, the more I seem to wake up. I am so used to living in my dreams, but I know now that my dreams are silly and lousy. I know now that relationships are not the white-horse, carriage ride thing I depicted in my head. I also know girls are just girls, and they are messed up and flawed like everyone else. I don't think I would enjoy dating. It's too demanding with so many issues to me, like masculinity. I like doing other things, like playing games, sports, writing, music, the occasional Jeopardy, and living my Christian faith, than to go out and date. I am not into any dating, and now I am just okay with it. I have my independence all the way, and I have no desire for it now. I'd rather just make friends is all. Though I still have this thought of "Just try it once. Get laid. You don't know what you're missing." running in my head. I don't know what that is now. Is it fear, apathy, lack of desire? What is this called?

I feel like an enigma.

[Star Bit]

So you did or did not have crushes? If you didn't then you shouldn't word them as such. And being a fan of romance is not an orientation indicator. Straight women can be fans of gay romance yet they're still straight, just like Aros can be fans of romance and still be aromantic.

[Tyger Songbird]

I actually was glad to never really be with any of them. I did find them pretty, but I was glad nothing ever came out of them. I'm grateful for that now, to answer the question. That season has passed me, and I'm grateful for it to be.

Now, I crushed on the fantasy of them, and never really knew each person. I never knew them in person. It was fantasy, like soulmate dreaming. Calling someone their angel. It's like playing Final Fantasy VII. It's not real. It was a fantasy character, not a reality. I don't think I could have ever dated any of the crushes I had. But, I guess I call that a crush. It's a dead thing now for me.

I did kiss one girl, and we were quite close, even to the point of kissing a couple times. We bonded, I guess, but we never dated. It was like a mini relationship that I only did one time. I broke it off basically because I just wasn't into it. It just didn't fly too well with me to be with another person. Since, I haven't even had the thought to be in a relationship. Not in any way, shape or form.

So, I guess you could say that I am capable of being romantic. I just am not wanting to be with anybody at all, definitely for sure right now. I do see people in relationships, and there are moments where I fee alone. However, I am simply not hungry for one myself. I don't feel like going through all that fluff and drama that makes a relationship a relationship. I do better on my own.

[Wallflowerbaby13]

Yeah, I am a dreamer as well. I used to think I got crushes. Some people stood out from the others, usually in looks (hello asthetic attraction!) and I would feel shy around them. Wonder if they liked me. Pretty sure no one ever did. I would say my first was in 3rd grade. But I have always been shy around masculine individuals and they always stood apart to me as different than me. The thing is my feelings never developed more than that. When talking to my friends a few years back before aven and all its' terminology, one told me they didn't think I had ever actually liked someone. And that struck a chord with me. I think my kind of "like" is very shallow and fantasy based. I can't imagine kissing someone. I don't crave it or understand it. Though I like giving my cat kisses. So I thought, oh, maybe this is what other people feel like doing to other people when they really like them or think they are cute. I feel like so much of my liking is expectation based as well. Ever since I was born (maybe b4) when I was assigned a gender, all these expectations came upon me. Who I would like in future,(assumed the opposing gender) and any interaction since then is met with giggles and winks. I expected to have these feelings. I expected others to have these feelings for me. I expected action would come about eventually. Maybe if someone I "fancied" had ever liked me back and really pursued me, I wonder what my reaction would have been. So even though I have feelings somewhat crush like, I have never had a relationship, I don't seek a relationship, and I honestly don't know what I would do with one. I get so wrapped up in fictional romance which I like, and the whole world is saying how great romance is, that I do sometimes wonder what it would be like. I consider myself aromantic.

[Tyger Songbird]

Yeah, I am a dreamer as well. I used to think I got crushes. Some people stood out from the others, usually in looks (hello asthetic attraction!) and I would feel shy around them. Wonder if they liked me. Pretty sure no one ever did. I would say my first was in 3rd grade. But I have always been shy around masculine individuals and they always stood apart to me as different than me. The thing is my feelings never developed more than that. When talking to my friends a few years back before aven and all its' terminology, one told me they didn't think I had ever actually liked someone. And that struck a chord with me. I think my kind of "like" is very shallow and fantasy based. I can't imagine kissing someone. I don't crave it or understand it. Though I like giving my cat kisses. So I thought, oh, maybe this is what other people feel like doing to other people when they really like them or think they are cute. I feel like so much of my liking is expectation based as well. Ever since I was born (maybe b4) when I was assigned a gender, all these expectations came upon me. Who I would like in future,(assumed the opposing gender) and any interaction since then is met with giggles and winks. I expected to have these feelings. I expected others to have these feelings for me. I expected action would come about eventually. Maybe if someone I "fancied" had ever liked me back and really pursued me, I wonder what my reaction would have been. So even though I have feelings somewhat crush like, I have never had a relationship, I don't seek a relationship, and I honestly don't know what I would do with one. I get so wrapped up in fictional romance which I like, and the whole world is saying how great romance is, that I do sometimes wonder what it would be like. I consider myself aromantic.

Yeah, I feel the exact same way that you do. If someone I actually "fancied" were to actually ever like me back or something, I don't know what I would have done either. I never had that, though, so I guess I won't really know. All I know is now I simply don't care to have anything romantically related. I am quite relieved of it all through knowing that. I can just sing songs about love, which most love songs sound so desperate and mushy or super sexual in nature, but I just don't see myself being in love for real. I'm not into it at all. It's just not what I am.

Being perfectly honest, I would rather play video games or something rather than being with an actual person. The games are so entertaining to me, to be honest. I enjoy street fighter, but I can't even picture myself in a relationship at all. I simply don't have the desire to. Even though I at times do sense and see aesthetic attraction, I just don't find the thought of a relationship delightful. I think I am literally one of those people who is meant to be alone. It just makes things easier. I'm an introvert, and I like to be in isolation. It's just my solitude that helps me be my expressive self. I think that is me wholeheartedly.

Maybe it would be different if the relationship would come with no expectation of sex at all, but I find that with no possibility at all. I would think most people would have to expect something sexual soon, so I am not with that. So, I am pretty not believing that a relationship will ever help whatsoever. The only thing about being alone like I am is that I do get lonely from time to time. It does get to be a grind to be solo all the time, with nobody around you or to open up with. I just want that friend who I can share my secrets with, and be self-revealing through my low points. I just want that friend is all.

[Tyger Songbird]

Quick question: I was looking up something in the forum related to this thing called aesthetic attraction? How is that possibly defined? I think that might be what I go through at times. It sounded a whole lot like me, with having no desire to be in relationship with another person but finding them as pretty. Is that true? Is that possible? If it is, I think that was me.

Is that still aromantic?

[touching-not-so-much]

I can only answer for MYSELF but I think aesthetic attraction is the most basic kind that essentially everyone experiences. To ME, it is "artistic attraction", like "That's a glorious sunset/painting/peacocock/guy/girl". A lot of people I've seen in cosplay look awesome, but its the look ITSELF and I have certain preferences for humans (hair length, etc). But I am not physically or romantically attracted to people. To me, its like having favorite actors/actresses - I don't have any fantasies about them, but I while I might also like their personality, their general look and composure is what I consider "aesthetic" but *I* may be using wrong terms.

[Tyger Songbird]

Thank you so much. Yeah, that sounds a whole lot like me for real. It's just like admiring a view of the sunset or stars in the sky for me. It's beautiful, but I simply am not going to into it sexually or whatever. It just doesn't interest me like that.

Now, does that mean I am incapable of loving somebody? No. I pretty much am a human capable of loving, just the same. I'm not a robot, though I can dance like a robot. Oh yeah. I can dance. See. even though I am not so comfortable with being touched in general, I do sometimes dream about being hugged from time to time. I hardly ever get hugged, and I do sometimes wish I had someone who would just wrap their arms around me at times. It sometimes stinks to not even have 1 person come say hi to you. It shows the recluse that I am, I guess. But yea, it does sting a bit to lack interaction in such a manner as a simple hug. It does.

I just never desired to enter into a relationship of any kind. That being said, it doesn't ever mean I don't think about relationships either. Or better yet, imagine about some of the passionate things in relationships like hugging and being face to face with somebody giving a light kiss. I said light kiss because making out seems gross. PDA is not for me at all. Regardless, I don't really want to do in real life. It's just imagined in dreams when I sleep. Though I really don't want to in reality, I do imagine romantic things in my imagination from time to time. So, I guess I feel as if I am capable of love.

I get lonely sometimes too. I do desire at times companionship and company too from time to time. However, I just don't want people around all the time. It sounds taxing to me. But I tried to have a relationship even though we never really dated. I did think she was pretty and we did kiss a couple times, but I eventually lost interest and didn't care to be in a relationship. Like I said before, I get a bit uncomfortable being close to other people like an invasion of personal space, and I definitely did back in high school. I basically detached and grew distant, and I didn't desire a relationship at all. We never even went on a date, but I just broke it off. It was just easier to not be in a relationship.

That was 17, and it's been nine years later without ever having a date in my whole life. I'm 26, and I've never even been on a date before, which is shocking for lots of people. But it's the truth. I haven't been in a relationship since then, which adds to the uncertainty of being completely aromantic. I don't know about the whole idea of me being aromantic. I mean, I have never really dated before. How could I possibly know? I mean, don't you have to have a relationship to know it's not for you? Especially when you say you are capable of loving others? I feel like I am a bit too inexperienced to actually know what I am at times. I just know that the thought of it really doesn't excite me at all. I don't know if I can say that dating ever truly has. I guess I haven't been into it at any point in my life. I just don't know whether I'm cynical on love or what, but I'm just not into being in a relationship, especially right now. I like having companionship, and I like having quality disclosure in friendships. However, I like having friends instead. I just think that is what fits me best. If that's aesthetic attraction, then that's great to know. Thank you for telling me that. If that's not, then I guess I need to do something to find that. Anyway, thanks for telling me that.

One question to help further this along: I did mention that I have been kissed only a couple times before in my life, but I had my first real kiss like last year. It was a strange thing for me to be honest, because the kiss felt weird and awkward in one sense for me. However, I guess I could say that it was also good too. I did feel like a mini-euphoria inside me in a sense, and it was good to be honest for a short, temporary time. It wasn't like earth shattering, It still is remembered as basically my first real kiss. However, I remember it for a different reason. Here's why.

Right after we had kissed, I went through something. I managed to get an erection and all that. It was apparent too. I just had never had that happen before like that. Today I got to thinking about it from an asexual standpoint. I really have been stuck on this, and I have been wondering about how weird that situation is for me. It's like an identity crisis or whatever. I mean, I get confused saying I caught an erection at times, because I don't know how that all fits in. How does an erection fit in? Could someone tell me, because I get a little confused on it all.

I also get some erections whenever I have "romantic imagination" running through my head. It leaves me a bit confused and befuddled on the whole aromantic thing. I just want to know this: is it possible to get erections and physical reactions like that after being kissed or something and still be aromantic ace? Is that possible? Or am I messed up or something? Tell me. I'm a little confused on the whole erection thing.

[Tyger Songbird]

Like what do you call somebody who can write love songs, but is not into romantic stuff at all? That is basically me. I actually get sick when it comes to romantic movies, and I'm not really even into most love songs that make no sense to me. However, I do like to sing and can still write and form a love song myself. I think it's partially due to imagination and creativity that I end up making songs. I like to create, and I end up doing that a lot. I just tend to do it with love songs. They're not real, and I just get to be imaginative and paint a picture, I guess. I'm a songwriter and dreamer, but I'm not a person who wants any of that.

However, I do think I'm like capable of relationships (I think), but I am not into having any relationships. At times I will find myself like attracted to another person because they may be pretty in some way, but I'm just not a romantic person at all, and the thought of it being real is not something that delights me. It just isn't me at all. I can form strong friendships and have really good close ties to my friends (even though I haven't had those), but I just have never been into romantic things. I guess I have like little time for all that stuff.

So, I tend to not really care about it in the slightest. I could be perfectly content without ever having a relationship in my life. However, I do dream, especially as an audiophile, and I do feel alienated and lonely on occasion. However, if you were to ask me, I would rather be playing a game or listen to a nice song than be in a relationship of any kind. I love hearing nice sounds like violins and soft piano anyway. It is sweet and nice.

Like what do you call that?

[Star Bit]

An aromantic is someone who does not experience crushes and does not desite a romantic relationship. Nothing else matters in determining that, so like i said, aromantics can be fans of romance and thus even write or daydream about it.

Here's a list of attractions:

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. They can all be felt separately, without romantic attraction, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no sexual desire/desire to act on it, or romantic desire with no romantic attraction), but having either of those means the person is sexual/romantic/gray.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body. Synonyms are sexually alluring, sexually appealing, sexually enticing, sexually tempting, etc.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc. And not everyone is into making out (there are cultures that don’t have it), nor do people need romantic feelings to desire to make out (or be in a romantic relationship for that matter).

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and/or mannerisms, which is different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the impulse to have non-genital physical contact with someone specific. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pet(s), though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which while similar; past making out obviously not being platonic, actually differ in the way it's done and the person's expression while doing so), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under asexuality as a kink, or to some, under Gray-asexuality).

· Platonic attraction - (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· It’s also possible to feel queerplatonically about someone. A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is a platonic relationship that has (or is desired to have) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship (excluding sex and making out). It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm and/or displaying platonic sensual contact above the norm (which depending on the culture may include chaste kissing, although a person preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make them aromantic). Or in short, "super best friends." They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or be mistaken for a couple. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.

(The following is currently under some definitions of the term queerplatonic, but others agree these should be split up into another term; possibly Quasiplatonic; an alternative term for queerplatonic for those who want to avoid the gay interpretation of the word queer, but the prefix quasi does not actually reflect that and means the opposite; nor does the word platonic hold up under it either; as the word cannot include sex or romance)

A quasiplatonic relationship (QSPR/ QZPR) should mean a friends with benefits relationship that can involve making out and/or sex (though FWB should suffice, but it may be useful for people in committed FWBs who dislike the term because it’s commonly used without commitment).

A quasiromantic relationship (QSRR/ QZRR) should mean a relationship that someone does not want to call romantic because it is (accurately) QP to one and romantic to the other.

_{But currently it means this: "Someone who identifies as quasiromantic may see their attraction as non-traditional or may feel it differs from crushes, perhaps a mix between platonic, romantic, aesthetic, or somewhere completely different and/or it involves other non-traditional aspects, such as rare attraction, or attraction but non-physical, non-platonic but romantic, etc." I don't know how long it's been around; it's not too popular so i don't think that long (maybe because it doesn't make much sense) . So maybe this can be corrected. It doesn't really hold any of the quasi meanings either.}

And to clarify the remaining types of relationships that were not mentioned, a relationship does not need romantic attraction nor romantic desire to be romantic (nor does it need typical romantic things), it simply needs to have what is categorized as romance (even if mutual absence in romantic attraction is desired). Just like neither sexual attraction nor sexual desire are needed to have a sexual relationship; simply being sexually active is. So past the obvious mutual romantic attraction option that lacks typical romantic things, if someone’s relationship resembles it enough and has no possible way of saying those things are applicable to normal friendship behaviors of any kind, then it is a romantic relationship. An example would be people who desire a FWB situation with queerplatonic characteristics; which is 99% the same as a normal romantic relationship minus the romantic feelings. And being hyporomantic (i.e. sparsely romantic) is still romantic too.

[ToffeeVanilla]

I think I'm in a similar position. For a while now I've felt kind of lonely, thinking that id just want to have that special connection with someone. But my feelings about dating are really mixed. Like I like the closeness and being completely open to someone but when I think about dating it doesn't feel right. Its more I just want to be friends but more than friends but not necessarily kiss and stuff. Just being emotionally intimate is enough.

I think you're aromantic. Liking the idea of romance doesn't make you alloromantic.

[Tyger Songbird]

Thank you, Starbit, for all the information. I am thankful for this. To say this is complicated is putting it lightly for me.

Well, I have experienced romantic attraction before, but it came very seldom for me. The last time I had like a strong limerence for another person was when I was in high school. I thought I was in love with her, because I did pine for her, thinking she was the woman of my dreams. I did dream of us being together from time to time. However, When I in truth look back, the only reason I really liked her was because she was a talented singer and she was pretty, I guess. There was nothing more to it than that. That's why I am not in pain thinking about it now. It wasn't real at all. It's a pure lie I made up in my head.

That still didn't mean I didn't write some angst poetry afterward. It was actually some pretty good poetry to be honest. At the time, I had heartbreak when I found out she wasn't into me at all. I spiraled into a depressed state after that but not for the reason you thought why. I'll explain more in a bit, but let's just say I'm glad not to be there anymore. It was stupid to be depressed over that anyway. I am glad to be out of that, because looking back, I didn't really even know her, and to be honest, I didn't really care to either. We were in music together as acquaintances, but I had other concerns like school and grades at the time that mattered more to me. That has basically been my relationship style my whole life. I have other concerns that matter more to me than just some girlfriend. I am more into other stuff to where I don't really care, despite occasional moments where I feel lonely. it's like my 2nd season of life came after her, and I finally had like a wake up call from it. I found out that I wasn't wanting her. I didn't want to date either. Matter of fact, I wasn't really into dating anyone at all. I was only into her for the "status symbol. I'll explain this. Here's why.

See, in high school, having a girlfriend or boyfriend is seen as a status symbol, showing that you are a man or a woman. They called those guys "players". If you didn't have a girlfriend, then that meant you were a loser or just plain ugly. The jury is still out on the latter opinion, but I was feeling like a loser in school. I thought getting a girlfriend would make me popular. With everybody having sex already, I was behind everybody else because I wasn't doing anything with anyone. I felt a ton of peer pressure to fit in. So, I was never into the girl at all, but rather, I was into the idea that I could finally fit in and be cool if I had a girlfriend. When it didn't happen, I basically felt defeated and broke down inside myself. However, it was insecurity that was killing me. I know that now. I think that was the only reason why I actually wanted a girlfriend.

I truly didn't desire to be with someone all the time. Instead, I was more into writing, video games, and playing outside. I think I fell into the trap that you're not complete without a partner, and it's something I still fall into. Just blatant cultural lies I keep believing are true, possibly out of a lonesome heart. So, I don't know if I truly crushed on my high school "crush", but instead on some idealized lie that a relationship is true happiness. It's a lie that I still fall into at times, but I see it for what it is now.

So, is that romantic? It sure doesn't sound that way to me. Quite frankly, I get sick to death of all the romance commercials related to jewelry and romantic movie scenes that take away from the movie. Call me protesting, but I just don't care for it really.

I haven't been any closer to liking a woman than that high school experience either. Ever since then, nothing really. I'm sorry, but I just imagine relationships to be really time-consuming and a lot of drudgery. I'm glad to be single, honestly. Yeah, just not into all that stuff with dating and going out all the time. Just not me. Is that a self-esteem thing? Not really, I just am not into anybody anymore. Actually, in many points in my life, I actually forced myself to say I liked somebody just to appear normal to friends who were sexual. I say good riddance to that now, and with gladness. I simply don't care to date at all really. It actually means nothing to me anymore. It's like that part of me has really died or disappeared. That's all I can really say on the matter with that.

I think what hits me the most is that I have never really had sex or a relationship before in my life, so I find myself mysteriously questioning if there's something wrong with me. Oftentimes I ask if I'm unattractive or ugly, if I am repulsive, if I am a loser, or if I am somehow in some way broken or defected. People tried to call me a prude, but I definitely am not some prude or something. I had something of a psychosis. I heard people try to call me "repressed". I don't know. I tend to care too much about societal expectations, wondering what other people think about me. I guess I thought I was some loser for being a virgin in college, and I used to believe that to be true. Sometimes I wonder if that is the truth now, but I know it's a thing I think I need to snap out of. It's just hard to for me. I hope that makes sense.

I don't know what that qualifies me as, but I guess that is me. Is that aromantic or what?

[Tyger Songbird]

Peer pressure has been something difficult and trying for me. I do get curious thoughts to be in a relationship, but it's like I don't want to be in any relationships because I don't desire to. Being alone does suck sometimes, but what makes it a trying time is to be told you are incomplete without a partner. That gets bothersome. So, the peer pressure has pushed me a lot of times mentally. I just don't want to let it anymore. I don't care to date, and from past experiences with it, nobody probably desires to date me either. So, no big.

[Imaveronica]

I identify with having a hard time understanding why friendships shouldn't be considered as important as (or even more important than) romantic/sexual relationships, and I definitely feel more comfortable in platonic relationships. I also identify with having a vague desire to experience intense intimacy and loneliness because i don't have it, while at the same time failing to have an active interest in dating that frustrates/confuses me.

The experience I have that is the most confusing is that I (very rarely) experience things that seem like what other people describe as romantic feelings (e.g. intrusive thoughts/high levels of respect for the person), but I'm repulsed by it. It has a very toxic effect on me. Because I'm having intrusive thoughts and my respect for the other person is so high, I feel like I've lost my sense of autonomy and as if I am inferior, so I become completely passive, servile, and depressed and feel an intense need to withdraw. As someone who has also struggled with alcohol abuse, to me these feelings seem no better than drug cravings, so they distress me a lot. So maybe I'm not aromantic in the sense of not experiencing the feelings at all, but I guess I am romance repulsed. With close friends, I feel high levels of respect and protectiveness, and I think of them often, but I don't feel insecure or afraid. I haven't heard anyone else describe this so far, although I might yet. I don't know what to make of it.

[Tyger Songbird]

I identify with having a hard time understanding why friendships shouldn't be considered as important as (or even more important than) romantic/sexual relationships, and I definitely feel more comfortable in platonic relationships. I also identify with having a vague desire to experience intense intimacy and loneliness because i don't have it, while at the same time failing to have an active interest in dating that frustrates/confuses me.

The experience I have that is the most confusing is that I (very rarely) experience things that seem like what other people describe as romantic feelings (e.g. intrusive thoughts/high levels of respect for the person), but I'm repulsed by it. It has a very toxic effect on me. Because I'm having intrusive thoughts and my respect for the other person is so high, I feel like I've lost my sense of autonomy and as if I am inferior, so I become completely passive, servile, and depressed and feel an intense need to withdraw. As someone who has also struggled with alcohol abuse, to me these feelings seem no better than drug cravings, so they distress me a lot. So maybe I'm not aromantic in the sense of not experiencing the feelings at all, but I guess I am romance repulsed. With close friends, I feel high levels of respect and protectiveness, and I think of them often, but I don't feel insecure or afraid. I haven't heard anyone else describe this so far, although I might yet. I don't know what to make of it.

See, I would like to say that I am a bit like you too. I definitely feel like friendships should be placed on such higher importance, and not everything should be about romantic things. I do get perturbed that every show is about love or something between people. It makes it that much more difficult to really find anything to watch. I end up just wanting to turn the channel after that. It gets annoying. I'm like you in that I am basically repelled by romance.

That being said, I do occasionally go through romantic "cravings". I do on occasion have these intrusive thoughts or dreams where I imagine holding a partner by the waist in a close hug that you see in a wedding photo. I do on occasion dream of being like kissed on the lips, but it stays a daydream. I found it weird myself that I would dream and have intrusive thoughts about being kissed when I've been kissed before and it was an awkwardly exciting moment. However, I think I found the reason why for that.

I find that whenever I am touch-deprived or lonely like you described, these thoughts get stronger. I wonder if that's what happens for you too. It may not be as confusing as it sounds, because touch I've heard is something that sends a rush of serotonin within your brain to feel good. The drug thing is truly not a far-off comparison. The amount of dopamine delivered in the brain is powerful in both. So, that may be what you are experiencing as well as me. I know that when I am feeling down or in a depressed state, the worse these thoughts seem to get. It's not a lovely place to reside in and stay in for sure for me. It doesn't help that I do at times listen to love songs. That probably contributes to problem.

See, for me, I go for days or even a week at a time without seeing anybody, and I can get quite lonely. I have a very small social network, and it tends to get very isolating for me. I also am not a touchy-feely person, and I often have a hard time being touched by others. My family said that about me. I don't like to be touched. Since I am not really touched that much ever in my life, there are times I feel a bit deprived of touch, and I'd like to be touched. So, I go through these dreams where I imagine hugging and a bit of a kiss. It is only a dream, though, that I find coming from a depressed or lonely heart, I guess.

It's me, though. It's always complicated with me. I guess I experience feelings at times, but those things that I want and long for are things that I would want in friends. The closeness, the bonding, the shared time together. Those are what I want in a buddy relationship. I am not interested in the romantic stuff in reality. The only thing that isn't complicated is that like you I am not into having any relationships of any kind whatsoever. I'm more about having close, intimate friendships with people and bond sharing. Thanks for saying that. I actually wanted to say that too.

[Raggedy_Android]

Holy crap, tygersongbird. After reading that, I swear you're either my twin or my distaff counterpart from a parallel universe. XD

[Wenderbread]

Duuuuuuuuuuuddddddeeeee.

My mind is blown.

I relate to your struggle so much.

I totally do the whole daydream thing, but it's not really about loneliness for me I don't daydream to fill any holes as far as I'm aware... It's just fun, I guess. I enjoy them. It's like watching TV, only I decide what's going to happen. Anyway, romance plays a huge role in my daydreams, too. 

I honestly don't know if I have felt romantic attraction or not. I just don't know where to draw the line. I have certainly felt something for other people, but I have never wanted to be in a relationship with them. I'm not sure if those feelings were romantic in nature or more along the squish track. I also don't know if my not wanting to be in a relationship is because I genuinely don't want to, I'm avoiding it for some reason, or if I just wasn't emotionally ready at the time. I still go back and forth on whether I ever want to be in one. It's just so confusing. 

When I picture my ideal future, sometimes all I want is to just be a single teacher living with my twin sister, who is the single most important person in my life. I feel like my life can be 100% fulfilling just doing that. Other days, I wish I could find the kind of love I create for myself in my daydreams.

Honestly, most days I just don't think about it at all. Romance just straight up doesn't play a significant role in my life right now. I honestly just don't think about it often, and at this stage in my life, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Maybe that will change in the future, maybe it won't. I just don't know, and I've pretty much given up on choosing a label for it because I think my romantic identity is just too fluid to pin down. That, and it's just irrelevant to my life. My students are the people I talk to the most, and I sure as hell am not dating one of them.