Kissues

[Chaewuic]

I suppose some background is in order before I ask my question.

I am 24 years old and recently just got back into dating. The last time I had a boyfriend I was 16. Naturally I was a bit nervous about getting back on the metaphorical horse. And, perhaps stupidly, the way I decided to get back in the game was to get back together with my last and only ex-boyfriend. He and I had remained friends since breaking up at 16 and when he suggested we try it again in February of this year I was excited.

I was also apprehensive. And because I was my friend, I told him I was asexual before we decided to really make this happen. He was fine with it. He figured that I was still me, so it didn't matter.

Things were fine. I enjoyed talking to him, hanging out, and going on dates. But I started noticing a trend. Whenever he kissed me, it seemed to impact him way more than it did me. I didn't understand it, and I didn't feel anything when we kissed.

Then we made out. That stuff is supposed to be passionate or cool or something. But I came out of the experience thinking "What the fuck was that?". From that moment onward I dreaded kissing him. I never let it escalate to tongue again.

We broke up on Saturday. It started by me telling the truth about how I felt about kissing him. I told him he didn't do anything wrong, because he honestly didn't. A lot of things were said and about an hour later we came to the conclusion that we should just be friends again.

I can't remember everything that was said, but one thing stuck out to me. When I first told him how I felt about kissing, he suggested I go to therapy to get some help. Now, I have no problem with therapy in general, but this offended me. I can't quite put in to words why.

Now for my question: should I look in to therapy? Is there something wrong with me not liking/wanting to kiss my boyfriend? Do I just need time?

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you!! :cake:

Note: It is currently 22:27 where I am. I won't be answering any comments until tomorrow morning.

[Mike_Rophone]

First off, good morning, how are you? Get a goonights rest?

Second, no, therapy isn't necessary. He probably didn't mean it to have a negative connotation, but it is akin to saying "You don't like cake? Get help."

[SithLord]

I don't like kissing, basically at all, and there's no way I'd see a therapist about it. I just don't like the way it feels. My sexual bf isn't super into deep/french kissing so we don't do much, but I still have limits to how much I can kiss him and let him know when I'm at my limit. I even wipe my mouth after kissing him once or twice because the feeling on my lips after I kiss him is uncomfortable and gross.

I started off way worse. I didn't like kissing my first, and not as serious, bf at all and would do things to avoid it. With my current bf I'm more open about it all since I discovered I was ace shortly before dating him and am coming into my sensuality. Things like cuddling I've grown to like, but only with him and I consider myself demi-sensual because of it. But things like kissing, I just don't think it's a thing I'll ever be more okay with than I am currently and seriously doubt therapy would help at all.

I wouldn't say you need therapy since I don't think there's anything wrong with you not wanting to kiss him.

[DragonflytotheMoon]

I'm a pan/demi romantic. I've always loved kissing. Suffice it to say, I haven't always enjoyed kissing the people I was with. Part they weren't doing it well, part we didn't have a strong enough connection. My husband & I have been together 19 years & are best friends. For us, that is what makes it so much better. There's that emotional bond we share. That I didn't have with anyone else. Yes, occasionally, there's some passion to the kissing. But, mostly, it's more affectionate.

I don't think therapy is required. He may have said that because he was hurt that he had, in his mind, deeper feelings for you, than you for him. You just express them differently. I don't think any couple approaches friendship, affection, romance or desire exactly the same.

Since he's the first one you've kissed & you've mainly been friends, it could just be him. I guess, the only way to find out, is to kiss other people. If the idea appeals to you & you're curious about it, of course. It just may not be for you. Only you can answer that.

[Mona Lisa]

Him telling you to get therapy sounds like he's implying that there's something wrong with you, when in fact not liking kissing is actually a personal preference. There are lots of people who don't enjoy it. You might seek therapy if it truly bothers you that you don't like kissing and it disrupts your life.

[Star Bit]

^it won't let me delete this, grrr

When I first told him how I felt about kissing, he suggested I go to therapy to get some help. Now, I have no problem with therapy in general, but this offended me.

Wow, wow, wow, dick move. You are rightfully offended, and he's wrong. Not everyone is into making out. A little over half the world's cultures aren't either. And unfortunately in the US, it's just not talked about. There's nothing wrong with you. He's either ignorant or said BS out of breakup anger (or both). However, if my somewhatly shallow poll of 240 participants sheds any accurate light on the topic (link), while it greatly varied on how they specifically felt, most either felt neutral or negative, so asexuals may be more inclined to not desire making out.

[Telecaster68]

A little over half the world's cultures aren't either

Well, according to one study in which some ethnographers asked some other ethnographers around the world if they'd seen couples kissing a lot. Their results indicated that only about half of people in the US and Europe kissed sexually, if I recall right, so I'm pretty skeptical about that study in general.

[Wilderleaf]

It seems a backward world in which the desire to keep others' tongues away from one's mouth is the exception. If you want to stay in a relationship where you and your partner have such a fundamental difference, then maybe therapy could help, but otherwise I think you're fine.

[DragonflytotheMoon]

It seems a backward world in which the desire to keep others' tongues away from one's mouth is the exception. If you want to stay in a relationship where you and your partner have such a fundamental difference, then maybe therapy could help, but otherwise I think you're fine.

Passionate kissing doesn't have to involve playing tonsil hockey. At least, imho. I don't mind, on occasion, a little tip of the tongue touching. Trying to thrust it down the other person's throat, not appealing. And, I gave oral a lot in my relationships. Including, in the past, with my husband. That was obviously a more sexual act. Kissing, for me, is usually more a part of an emotional bond & a great deal of tongue just doesn't fit in with that. I'm not against other people doing it. I just don't want it for myself.

[Star Bit]

Oh, right, that too; people also vary on their kissing preference (there are several types; as i tried to list in my linked poll). Out of comparison, such preference variation can also be compared to turn on spots (e.g. while tits are a common turn on spot, it's not like that for everyone), or prefered types of sex, etc. There are really alot of components that go up for aplication comparison (essentially) when dating, and there can be alot of varying qualities that make or break an "aplication". It's the normal business of dating.

[Hermit Advocate]

I personally hate kissing. I find it to be incredibly boring and it does absolutely nothing for me, and kissing with tongue is just gross. You're not alone in your dislike. Him telling you that you need therapy is incredibly rude. There's nothing wrong with you and honestly IMO that he would say that makes him an arsehole.