Fear of intimacy

[SpookyAce]

I wasn't really sure what topic to put this under so I just threw it here. Sorry if its in the wrong place.

For as long as I can remember I always had a weird feeling towards anything that involves intimacy. Growing up it was more of a fascination that over time developed into a fear. Now at 19 years old I can not even think losing my virginity with out getting disgusted and almost terrified. I have never been in a relationship and honestly never want to because of what comes with it (kissing, hugging, sex, etc.). I feel like a don't want to be loved and never want anyone to ever love me. I get a lot of crap from my family about how I'm going to be sad and alone for my entire life but honestly being alone forever without a relationship seems like heaven to me. I actually never want to have sex, I would be completely content living my whole life as a virgin.

I want to go back to the whole fear thing though. I have been in somewhat intimate situations and completely hated them. My first kiss made me want to run away from the situation and never look back. Thinking that I may need to be intimate with another person at some point again in my life causes me so much anxiety that I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave so I don't have to deal with the sex driven world.

There is this guy at my college who has a thing for me and it makes me so scared to be alone with him. I know he wants to have sex with me and I can't stand it. I'm so scared that he may try to make a move on my and I'll have no where to run. I hate making people feel bad so I would probably just go with it, that's how my intimate moments have been, me not wanting to make the person feel bad so I just go with it and suck it up, only to feel completely awful afterwards.

I feel like I'm kind of rambling at this point and my rant is no longer making much sense, I was just wondering if anyone has ever felt completely terrified of being intimate. Please let me know :)

[Apollonius]

Well I am scared not terrified of intimacy with males that has to do with my aversion to men. I was sexually abused so that is expected result...

[idekrncidc231]

are you a younger version of me? ^^; seriously though. I have been the same. Not so much terrified, but very uncomfortable with intimacy though when I was a child I was interested and fascinated by it. Though I started to like cuddling later on, the rest of it is uncomfortable and I sort of let the other person force me into things I regret later on.... I myself feel I would like a romantic partner just to cuddle and talk with, but anything more... I am unsure about. It DOES depend on the person though. If the person isn't an overly touchy person either it may be good. You could probably find someone who is just like you who would only like to be in a relationship for talking about how much romance appalls them XD ... -_- but seriously. don't let your empathy make you do things you don't want to like mine did. I regret my life. greatly. I wish I had NEVER let them talk me into those things I did to make them happy. I personally wish I could go back and just scream at them, "NO! If you have a problem with it, then f* off! I don't need you in my life making me do things I don't want to only for ME to have to regret them later without you." ^^; but meh. *shrugs* just stay strong and don't be afraid to stick up for yourself.

[starry-night-sky]

I'm not scared of intimacy in general, I'm scared of sexual and and sometimes romantic intimacy. I like snuggling, hugging etc. my friends but thinking about someone who is sexually attracted to me doing all these things makes me uncomfortable. It also makes me uncomfortable to think of someone doing romantic things like giving me flowers or confessing their love to me. However I don't know if that's just related to being an introvert and being inexperienced.

I understand that you don't want to make others feel bad but you're allowed to say no. You should never ever have to do things you're uncomfortable with.

[Guest]

Im very touch-averse and sex-repulsed, so i can relate a little to what you mean there. I dont think i could ever bring it up to have sex with someone because the idea alone just makes me feel disguisted and scared.Im just meh on the romance thing it just doesnt interest me and is very boring and annoying i rather not have anything to do with romance at all if it is in real life, I just prefer a non romantic, friendship-based relationship.Its totally ok to let others know you feel uncomfortable if they do certain things with you.Its better to be honest then to try to please them and deal with the consquences later.Its your body and only you can decide what to do with it.Don't be scared to stand up for yourself.

[JustanotherTobigirl]

I can't really relate fully, but I can in part. I like things like hugging, cuddling, ect, and kissing (not making out) doesn't bother me, though it does nothing for me. However, anything farther makes me very uncomfortable. I avoid relationships for simple fear that the other person will want sex. The idea of falling for someone who wants something I can't or won't give is terrifying. Therefore, although I would like a romantic relationship, I'd rather be alone than with a sexual person. Its another asexual or no one for me.

[Binny]

Hi,

You describe myself at your age. I was what my friends described as girl shy. I would get so anxious and almost have panic attacks on dates. Everyone is different. I wish there was forums like this when I was your age. For me that meant I was gay which I am not. Looking back I was afraid to let anybody into my world and to tell someone I am not comfortable with sex was not on the table when it should have been.

Are you just anxious about sex and relationships or anxious in general?

[ace11]

I hate making people feel bad so I would probably just go with it, that's how my intimate moments have been, me not wanting to make the person feel bad so I just go with it and suck it up, only to feel completely awful afterwards.

You sound so much like me at your age (has it really been 9 years since i was 19? what happened?). I'm going to tell you what I wish someone had told me back then. You gotta get over this mindset of doing anything to avoid making other people feel bad. It's good to have empathy for others, it's good that you don't want to make them feel bad, but in some situations you just have to. There are ways to reject people or say difficult things with tact, and sometimes you have to reject people and say difficult things. If you stay on this people-pleasing track, it will only lead to a lot of pain, both intimacy-related and in other areas of life. You should definitely make a priority of learning to say "no" and being able to reject people. I've been seeing a counselor and doing role-playing conversations with her, but if you don't want to do that there are also classes and books on communication, assertiveness, personal boundaries, etc. Sorry if i'm overstepping here. I just felt like i had to say something because if you don't address these difficulties now, they are likely to just continue getting worse (i know mine did).

As for the intimacy thing......i'd say i'm very afraid of physical intimacy. I hate being touched, kissed, etc. and i hate the idea of people viewing me in a sexual way. I realize now that my fear about physical intimacy is actually my body/brain trying to tell me something, and when a situation feels scary and uncomfortable i need to pay attention to what the fear is telling me. Fear can be your friend and alert you to situations you're better off not getting into. Personally i do have a desire for emotional intimacy, although i haven't been able to really find it because nobody seems to want a very emotionally intimate relationship without physical stuff too.

[Galactic Turtle]

Hello!

I'm very much the same as you. I can't even bring myself to tell my own parents that I love them. For my friends instead of saying gushy things, I just buy them all of their favorite snacks or do the activities they like with them.

I'm touch-averse as well even though deliberate touches impact me more than people brushing up against me by accident which I can deal with for comparatively long periods of time once I get myself in the right headspace. My family gets angry at me for reacting so negatively to their perfectly innocent touches. They don't understand how I could be like that without any past trauma.

In every instance from middle school until now after college of someone showing interest in me (boys and girls) I just freeze up and run away. The one person who I perhaps maybe liked back, I tried to accommodate him. I let myself be somewhat alone with him and while nothing serious happened, it still made me terrified. It was during my interactions with him that I realized how drastically different my idea of dating and love was from everyone else in that it looked a whole lot more like friendship. A few more unfortunate situations later and I've admitted to myself that I'm afraid of men in general. I don't like it when they look at me and am even more repulsed when they touch me. I don't like to be alone with one or even a group of them.

Like you, I am almost absolutely sure my reluctance to get into relationships is because of all the things I know they'll require me to do. That scares me much more than the thought of going my entire life without any romance especially in a world where romance and sex are so closely linked that hardly anyone even imagines they can be separated. Running parallel to this, the idea that has somehow manifested itself in me is that because I feel this way, I don't deserve what most people would call a loving relationship. In my mind, I don't have the right to be angry at any future potential significant others because of the way I react to intimacy. Instead, I should just be grateful that they're taking time out of their lives to be with me at all. I am fully aware that this is not the right way to think but that doesn't make those thoughts easy to push aside.

[Techie]

Like you, I am almost absolutely sure my reluctance to get into relationships is because of all the things I know they'll require me to do. That scares me much more than the thought of going my entire life without any romance especially in a world where romance and sex are so closely linked that hardly anyone even imagines they can be separated.

I turn 54 in a month and I have managed to avoid having any relationship or sex. The complicating factor is being heteroromantic which rears its head occasionally, much to my dismay as it produces feelings I cannot bring myself to act upon as I have no sexual interest.

However, for the subject at hand: time is a cruel master and will pass quicker than you can blink an eye. When I was in my 20's, it seemed there was all the time in the world and I was already of a mind that I would be a bachelor for life. Now I am middle aged, high school classmates are grandparents or have kids graduating college. While it has been lonely at times, especially at the holidays, other things preoccupy me and I tend to forget. By all means, if you find a relationship then great, go with it. But if you a fated to go through life single, it isn't the worst thing in the world