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Hi..New Here....Long Intro..lol


sh33rzan93

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sh33rzan93

[possible trigger warning]

I'm not much of a forum-user so I put off making an account here for ages, but what the heck...

I don't know really where to begin- I don't actually call myself asexual, I don't call myself anything lol. Everything has always been unsure and any type of categorizing has honestly felt weird to me since I was a kid, but at the same time, some years ago when I learned that being asexual was a thing it was somewhat relieving.

I really don't know much about myself though- at 23, I know less about myself than I thought I did as a teenager.

There are many factors that have caused this eternal confusion over my sexuality or lack thereof- I've been dealing with severe mental illness since I was 4, for one thing. And another extremely important factor -- I have major PTSD... that came later. Multiple traumas over years but the actual PTSD had a somewhat delayed onset and became debilitating 2.5 years ago. Also noticed that having PTSD has worsened my pre-existing mental illness to a massive degree (I've been in and out of mental institutions for the past year, and am usually dealing with intense S.I.- hope this doesn't trigger anyone).
Also this year, was diagnosed with what they think is chronic Lyme Disease.
My health is an absolute wreck in every way.

Anyways, I'm rambling and should probably save more details for separate posts lol. I guess I just feel too alone.

I google things all the time- always analyzing whether or not I've even experienced "real attraction" or not or whether it was mostly "aesthetic attraction" mixed with a need for constant (mostly male) validation. And having bad OCD, it's always felt like even when I did used to get "crushes" back in the day before I was traumatized, they felt more like obsessions with people, not genuine? And I have constant intrusive thoughts, including sexual ones. With PTSD for me that's become a huge problem. Sometimes feeling "hypersexual" but I can't actually act on those feelings because it's only the thought and not real in an actual situation. In actual situations I've frozen up, dissociated, and in most cases was coerced or assaulted, and they didn't stop despite me saying no, please don't, til I got quiet and there was no way out.

And trying to get myself off doesn't really work anymore (it kinda always felt forced), I feel that's more of a compulsory thing for me too, and (another PTSD reference) actually a form of self-harm...I hate it.

My current therapist says that it's obvious that I have severe BDD, which I'm still in denial about.

So with a mixture of lifelong OCD, anxiety, depression, BDD?, and now PTSD, it hasn't been possible for me to know myself as an actual person with an identity aside from being the Sick Person.

I do consider myself an empath and I'm definitely highly sensitive, I've always felt like an alien just visiting the planet to observe others. Most "normal" concepts have always seemed foreign to me even as a kid..like marriage, dating, I remember from a young age, whenever someone said the word "boyfriend" or "girl friend" I felt squeamish. I sort of had "close" friendships but never truly intimate?
Most people could never tell, because when I do talk, I'm usually loud and come off as friendly and boisterous compared to everyone else in the midwest lol.

I'm always analyzing- "is this because of social anxiety and ocd an my appearance" / "is this because ptsd or would I be unable to have sex anyway" etc. It drives me insane. One therapist told me that I should stop looking for answers because it could be possible that I already had asexual leanings, but that being abused and assaulted just solidified it more?

But the fact that everything in my life has always felt ambiguous and uncertain and that I haven't been able to KNOW one thing about me leaves me in constant crisis, and for various reasons, I wish I could have relationships with people and possibly sex, and feel like it was normal like everyone else I encounter.

Or I at least wish I could "tolerate" it- it completely repulses me. I've never even been able to use a tampon (TMI sry) and that was pre-trauma. I've had gynecologists tell me that I have either Vaginismus or Vulvar Vestibulitis because I can't have anything in there and can't even have an actual gyno exam performed because every time they try I get so sick I can throw up and I feel so much pain I scream.
So for me it's not only a lack of interest in sex, it's like I physically cannot, even pre-trauma. But I always wonder if things would be even a tad different if I wasn't abused and assaulted.
Complicating it more, I was exposed to porn by male family members when I was young, everything was hypersexualized for me and I knew too much as a kid, it's like the hypersexual-asexual thing again.After all the fucked up shit I was exposed to I ended up watching porn from age 13 and tried to "use" it to..feel things. Like I forced it on myself...and I didnt stop watching it somewhat regularly until a couple yrs ago. I've had occasional slip-ups and still do, despite my hatred of it and how repulsive it is to me. Not just because I'm sex-repulsed but because I'm now an anti-porn feminist/I identify with radical feminism. And it's a massive massive trigger for me, it even causes flashbacks of my ex, but again, it seems to be a negative coping mechanism/self-harm thing. Feminism and becoming like a friggin expert on abusive relationships after I escaped the last one also played a role in how I view sexuality. The few "relationships" I've had weren't really relationships and weren't wanted, I just didn't know how to say no, then I'd suddenly end up in a serious situation being abused and trauma bonding- it was always me feeding a narcissistic dude's ego and me being occasionally rewarded with the validation that I always needed. I don't know what an actual 'relationship' is, I only know Stockholm Syndrome.

But I always envy other women I know..who have the same politics and views as I do, and many who also have PTSD from sexual assault and abuse from males, but are able to continue having relationships and sex. Everyone responds differently post-trauma, I know, but the fact that I really cannot do anything makes me feel like I was already someone who probably wouldn't ever have intercourse...I dunno, I feel left out either way. And so incredibly angry that the men who violated me took everything from me when I was already struggling to begin with. It's hard enough to always wonder about your sexuality or "what you are," I really didn't need multiple traumas to alter my life and confuse shit even more. My therapist also said to try not to worry about identifying as asexual or not and that I shouldn't pay mind to these things until I'm completely healed of PTSD and am mentally healthy (which I don't think can ever happen).
But I agree that if someone is traumatized, it's hard to "evaluate" what your sexuality is.

Not to mention having BDD and barely being able to look at people, I'm always in my head and in a panic and thats only worsened over time, hasn't lessened. I can't be around men at ALL now. It's so bad. I'm constantly triggered. It hurts so badly to know that my abusive exes lost their virginities right before they got involved with me, I was of course the virgin, they destroyed me, and then after I finally got away they were okay and are okay and are dating, having more sex, and one of them is married with a baby. Meanwhile I can barely leave my house. Lol.

While I don't want to be with anyone or do anything with anyone, I WANT to want those things, instead of just forcing it on myself because I thought I was supposed to, and for male validation..I feel too alone and isolated, but then I thought I wanted to be alone. Or maybe I don't want that but I can't NOT be alone. Lol idk.

This was literally the weirdest thing I've written online for strangers to see and I'm sorry I go on really long tangents...If you read all of this, bless you lol. Needed to vent :/

So hey....


#teamaries

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Starry Sky

Welcome to AVEN!! Thank you for sharing so much with us! I'm very sorry to hear about all you've gone through and how much it affects you now. I can't imagine how you must feel. I resonate a lot with what you said about never having gotten to know yourself as an actual person because of some of those same mental illnesses. There are a lot of people here who you'll find you can relate to and hopefully you'll feel less alone. If you feel like asexuality is what fits you then go for it and if, in the future, you realize that that's not the case then that's alright too : ) I wish you luck on figuring it out and with everything else as well! I hope you enjoy being a member of the community!!

chocolate-mousse-layer-cake-1024x858_zps

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sh33rzan93

thanks so much, i really appreciate it!! <3

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Hello and welcome to AVEN! Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm so sorry you have to go through all of that. You are not alone, though. I'm sure you'll find everyone here to be accepting, supportive, and understanding, regardless of orientation.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk!

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sh33rzan93

Thank you! everyone seems nice here :)

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Bottleofblues

Hi OP, I don't really have any useful advise other than to say it was interesting hearing your story. I'm new here as well, I've also suffered years of quite intense mental health problems since I was a teenager, things even got so bad for me I was hospitalized twice for severe ocd.

So anyway I hear your pain. For some of us life is painful but we never chose to make it this way.

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DragonflytotheMoon

Hello & welcome, Sh33rzan. Thanks so much for sharing your background. I realize it probably wasn't easy to do so. Because of it, it helps others have a better understanding. It's important for us to learn from other's experiences & life events. At least, I believe so.

I am sorry for all that you have endured. I'm glad you've found AVEN. I've only been here for a couple of weeks, but, I feel less isolated & it's like a sanctuary. I do hope you enjoy your time here, receive much support & make many new friends. You're welcome to pm me, if you'd like.

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sh33rzan93

@ BottleofBlues : Thank you, it helps even just for someone to listen:)

And I'm sorry to hear that :( that is all too familiar, memories of hospitalizations and getting sent to treatment centers feels like added trauma.

And you're right, it's not our choice- I wish people would understand.

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sh33rzan93

@GypsyButterfly : Thanks so much, you're very kind. I've found this site pretty welcoming so far! I really hope so and same to you. I appreciate you reading through all of that and responding:)

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It will,take awhile to sift through everything to find out truth about youself. There is hope.

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