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Define Dating


Prufrock, but like, worse

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Prufrock, but like, worse

I started writing this post a week ago, lost it, and now I'm too lazy to rewrite it. The tieldiar is, I have heard a large number of definitions for the word "dating" from the super vague to specific rituals you have to follow or the balance of the universe commits suicide. Even here on AVEN, people are using this word left and right with wildly varying connotations, and there is never any sort of questioning of what it means. Everyone understands this concept that I have never heard properly defined. Am I seriously some eldritch being missing some crucial element to being human? The most vague I have heard is just spending time with someone to know them better, and the most restrictive is antiquated sexist bullshit where neither person present is allowed to do anything outside a premade role. Anyone who adheres to the former definition, what exactly delineates friendly activities from a date? For anyone who adheres to the latter, I hope my existence is causing you to suffer. >:-D

In all seriousness though - the actual meaning I think must be somewhere in between those two extremes. For the longest time I wanted nothing to do with the term because it was always something to make petty drama about and I had really only been exposed to the second ultra restrictive concept. Even if that's nonsense and the real meaning is something I can get behind I'm not sure if I would ever apply the word to my own relationships because purely as a word it sounds tacky, smells like gossip and sounds like cheap plastic.

Whenever I complain about restrictions on how it's socially acceptable to love someone my closest friends and confidants will always say that I have to compromise. Which is fair enough, you're not going to find an exact clone of yourself. But the unspoken assumption seems to be that everyone holds these restrictions and I'm the only person in the world who does not. The possible takeaways are as follows:

1: I am phrasing my complaint poorly and my friends don't understand it.

2: The actual restrictions are nonexistent or much more reasonable and everyone is confused.

3: The word dating refers to something entirely different than anything thus far suspected.

4: I seriously am unable to accept these objectively moral rules because I am an inherently evil being.

5: I am so hideously ugly that if I am to experience any vague semblance of love I must acquiescence to another's will rather than be equals.

Essentially the choices are "the English major doesn't know how to words" or "the human doesn't know how to morals." Either way I'm a confused mess. I may ask some very "dum-dum" questions in this thread, because nobody taught me how to be human. Sorry. Blargh.

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Toothlesss

Following.

In all seriousness though - the actual meaning I think must be somewhere in between those two extremes. For the longest time I wanted nothing to do with the term because it was always something to make petty drama about and I had really only been exposed to the second ultra restrictive concept. Even if that's nonsense and the real meaning is something I can get behind I'm not sure if I would ever apply the word to my own relationships because purely as a word it sounds tacky, smells like gossip and sounds like cheap plastic.

The version of dating I associate the word with is...

1. Awkward restaurant date- yes I love food, yes I'm ok with socializing, it's just calling it a "date" makes me feel all cringey and run off and hike somewhere.

2. Awkward conversations because no one relates to each other.

That being said- I tend to associate it with the sexist pre-made roles.

I'd rather hang out with someone then calling it a date, even if it is at a restaurant with good food.

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Awesome! - I love:

I'd rather hang out with someone then calling it a date, even if it is at a restaurant with good food.

But Cowgirl nailed it pretty much.

The difference between dating and friendly activity is the fuzzing over surplus details in preparation. - Did I really pick my cleanest dirty shirt? Should I kind of wash my ride to impress the other?...

So: On first dates you are stressed out by attempts to shine (within your means).

During (working out) follow up dates you might be unusually focused on the other. - I'd guess 150% of the attention you'd giver a friend.

Dating = socializing + romantic overhead?

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I think anything in which two people who are romantically interested in each other do as a pair is a date. The point at which they are "dating" is arbitrary and depends on the couples' specific priorities and feelings.

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Wiseja1987

here's a brief, incomplete, and somewhat vague history of dating, as far as American culture goes:

When the country was being colonized/developed/taken over or whatever, it was really common for people to grow up or spend long amounts of years in isolated environments where there were few to no acceptable members of the opposite sex (I mean non-relatives). It was also possible in a way that wasn't before for people to acquire land and have a possibility of riches if farming/ranching, or other land development worked out. this lead to a tradition of people taking a riskier approach to relationships than what was common in European culture before (formal introductions by trusted family/friends). People would advertise they wanted to get married, out of necessity or desire for a partner, and others looking for the same thing would respond. In many situations, developing communities had more men than women. Women would go there for various reasons, and make appointments (dates on a calendar, hence 'dates') with various men interested in marriage to test their compatibility. This is also how mail-order-brides took off in America. It was a combination of economic and practical need, as well as an opportunity for both parties to potentially better their lives.

Later on, with the changing economy, women and young girls who worked and still lived at home were expected to turn over their wages to the family coffers. Boys and men usually were expected to keep their income as their own. This is a major way the tradition of men paying for dates started. With changing economy and culture in modern times, romance and emotional/physical compatibility become more valued, but the traditions previously set up still persist to varying degrees.

That's a long way to say that 'dating' has a complicated and sometimes troubling history, and you're free to use, discard, or define the term however you want. the only important thing is that the relevant party(s) agree with you on what your relationship is. there's no "correct" way to relationship, and people who think there is generally feel insecure when expectations of them are not clear.

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i've always thought of dating as: a close relationship where both parties consent to being a couple and at least one person has romantic feelings for the other. most people would say that both people should have romantic feelings but meh. i don't really think it's needed.

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DragonflytotheMoon

I believe, if someone cares not for convention, other than, treating each other decently (kindness, acceptance, respect), then, a date (or whatever you prefer to term it), can be whatever & however you & the other person want it to be. I think it's important to just be one's self & know that we'll find someone who likes us for us.

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