fresetu Posted May 26, 2016 Share Posted May 26, 2016 I'd go as far as to say that everyone is bad in bed (to a certain extent) with someone new, for that very reason. Sure, there are certain "defaults" that one can fall back to, but until you learn what the partner likes, desires and is aroused by, sex probably won't be much better than "just average". Having good sex is a learning process; a process that, for most, will start anew with every new partner, as every person is different in their own way. My answer for someone new who rejected me because I'm bad in bed: "Well, then either give me some feedback during sex (body language, verbal, etc) or just show / tell me what you like and I'll incorporate it. I just can't be expected to read your mind and give you the time of your life with nothing to go on." Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 Age doesn't indicate shit. Not on its own, no. Older people can still see relationships as gaining status and scoring points, while some younger people are quite open and sincere ahead of their years. But you're still going to find men who have grown wiser about sex and relationships as they've lived through it and had a great time that looked nothing like porn. Link to post Share on other sites
PeterPanForever Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I wanted to hang with the Gray for awhile, and I love the term Grace, and so I scrolled through some of the threads until I came across this one and had to laugh, lol. Yes, I feel like I have been rejected for being bad in bed. And then I feel bad about myself for thinking that, as if I am being a baby and just need to grow up already. But then I get to thinking, what's the big deal??? If a woman desires sexual satisfaction then wtf, she has every right! Yes, I would have loved to have had the ability to send her to the moon and back, but due to my metaphysical makeover, I don't. Life goes on, Jesus Christ. There are other ways to express the eroticism within besides sexual intercourse. I think that as a more grace oriented individual it begins with compatibility. So let them eat cake. And as for you, keep your eyes open, your mind open, and heart...open. Link to post Share on other sites
PeterPanForever Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I think that in my old age, what I am going to desire in my future romantic relationships is not sex but self-disclosure. I want us to be able to talk about things, even things pertaining to sexuality. I think that it would be super cool to be in one of those scenarios in which your lover is also your best friend. I've seen too many couples treat one another like shit, acting more cruelly to the person they have devoted themselves to love and honor than they would an enemy. Weird. It's sad when love becomes all about power and control and sexual gratification. I do think though that with the right partner, maturity, and open, heartfelt, self-disclosure, eroticism could turn into a form of art and sexual expression, even without sexual intercourse, or even foreplay for that matter. There would still probably need to be an element of attraction of course, even if the attraction was spiritual. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I would have loved to have had the ability to send her to the moon and back, but due to my metaphysical makeover, I don't. Life goes on, Jesus Christ. I agree with your broad point, but for a lot of us sexuals, while life does go on, without being palpably desired by our partners, it can be in a hollow, decaffeinated way, and that's a source of pain and distress for us. We feel less connected to our partners, less of a unit than we know we would be if both partners desired each other. With work, and communication and compromise, it can be accepted, but it's always going to be an issue rather than a source of joy. Link to post Share on other sites
PeterPanForever Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 For a couple who is already devoted to one another I can see how this would take a huge commitment from both partners, and hard work, and well, devotion, but for myself, because the relationship that I was referring to has ended, I now focus completely on compatibility, so that I don't end up in the situation you are referring to. I remember what that felt like, the pain, the insecurity, the jealousy, the desire to be the person your partner wanted you to be, and the feeling of failure. That is an emotional feeling, a turmoil, that I never ever want to experience again. But I remain very much in love with the idea of love, but next time via the path of compatibility, which means at the very least someone on the asexual spectrum whose desire for sexual gratification at the hands of another is by no means a demand. I don't mind exploring eroticism with another asexual, but I know that I can't be with someone who is sexual. I would rather be with someone who was strictly abstinent, and never have sex again for the rest of my life, than be with someone who expected sexual intercourse and gratification. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 7, 2016 Share Posted June 7, 2016 I can absolutely see that, and the case where two people go into a 'mixed' relationship knowing it's mixed is very different to one where the asexual doesn't know that's their orientation, or they effectively change orientation during the relationship. I remember what that felt like, the pain, the insecurity, the jealousy, the desire to be the person your partner wanted you to be, and the feeling of failure. That is an emotional feeling, a turmoil, that I never ever want to experience again. Yes, it can be grim for both sides. What you describe is pretty much the same set of emotions sexuals get, though for diametrically opposite reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
chevymule Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Oh, good. Well, maybe try slightly older men. The maturity level of the last batch sounds pretty low, plus they expect you to be really experienced at age twenty two which is silly. Also you don't have to go into anything really personal, but maybe just tell them you're not very experienced and a little nervous. Many people actually enjoy teaching and will want to build your confidence instead of tearing you down. Good luck.If a relationship hasn't progressed to the point where issues like sexual experience (or lack thereof) can be discussed then it's definitely not time for sex. Almost all of my limited experiences were initiated by my partner and well before I was ready. It never occured to me I could say no. I bought into the idea that being a guy meant always being ready and eager. And women can say some pretty harsh and hurtful things. After a certian age most women expect a man to be a pro. I really love the idea of a relationship eventually including romantic sex but with the understanding I need help knowing what to do and am kinda klutzy at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Embarrased. I always end up with double posts. I don't see how to delete one. I'd like to delete the second one if a mod has to do it. It's nothing to be embarrassed about! AVEN has issues lately with posting multiples (it's not your fault). I got your PM (AVEN isn't letting me reply lol), but I don't have buttons for this forum. You'll have to ask one of the Admins (in red) or the moderator of The Gray Area, scarletlatitude. : ) Sorry for the trouble! Link to post Share on other sites
chevymule Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Embarrased. I always end up with double posts. I don't see how to delete one. I'd like to delete the second one if a mod has to do it. It's nothing to be embarrassed about! AVEN has issues lately with posting multiples (it's not your fault). I got your PM (AVEN isn't letting me reply lol), but I don't have buttons for this forum. You'll have to ask one of the Admins (in red) or the moderator of The Gray Area, scarletlatitude. : ) Sorry for the trouble! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
chevymule Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I'd go as far as to say that everyone is bad in bed (to a certain extent) with someone new, for that very reason. Sure, there are certain "defaults" that one can fall back to, but until you learn what the partner likes, desires and is aroused by, sex probably won't be much better than "just average". Having good sex is a learning process; a process that, for most, will start anew with every new partner, as every person is different in their own way. My answer for someone new who rejected me because I'm bad in bed: "Well, then either give me some feedback during sex (body language, verbal, etc) or just show / tell me what you like and I'll incorporate it. I just can't be expected to read your mind and give you the time of your life with nothing to go on." Yeah, I understand that it takes time. I just wish I was more up on the defaults. In my best relationship I was able to talk about my lack of experience before anything happened. It was a great talk and she was really understanding. We were together 3 times and it was awesome. :) Unfortunately our relationship was short for other reasons but it is a really fond memory. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Chevy - have you tried reading up on it? I'm sexual, but I was a 'late starter' and between erotica (definitely not video porn) and a bit of pre-internet research, I had a good idea of the basics by the time I finally had sex. Beyond that, being good at sex is more about being good at learning about your partner. I was just about to draw the parallel of a guy in a record shop knowing that customers who like one band will probably like a particular other band, but I'm old and that may go over a lot of posters' heads. Maybe it would be better to use the Amazon 'customers who bought this, also bought this' idea... Link to post Share on other sites
tase Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Chevy - have you tried reading up on it? I'm sexual, but I was a 'late starter' and between erotica (definitely not video porn) and a bit of pre-internet research, I had a good idea of the basics by the time I finally had sex. Beyond that, being good at sex is more about being good at learning about your partner. I was just about to draw the parallel of a guy in a record shop knowing that customers who like one band will probably like a particular other band, but I'm old and that may go over a lot of posters' heads. Maybe it would be better to use the Amazon 'customers who bought this, also bought this' idea... That was definitely the funniest thing I've read all day. I'm sure me and my local record shop guy would have made great lovers if I actually knew about sex back then or attracted to men. But he probably knew more about what I liked than I did-ha. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Chevy - have you tried reading up on it? I'm sexual, but I was a 'late starter' and between erotica (definitely not video porn) and a bit of pre-internet research, I had a good idea of the basics by the time I finally had sex. Beyond that, being good at sex is more about being good at learning about your partner. I was just about to draw the parallel of a guy in a record shop knowing that customers who like one band will probably like a particular other band, but I'm old and that may go over a lot of posters' heads. Maybe it would be better to use the Amazon 'customers who bought this, also bought this' idea... That was definitely the funniest thing I've read all day. I'm sure me and my local record shop guy would have made great lovers if I actually knew about sex back then or attracted to men. But he probably knew more about what I liked than I did-ha. This is pretty much how I was introduced to Frank Zappa. Hahaha, now I'm imagining, what kind of sex is Frank Zappa? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Wild and slightly scary, though the moustache can be ticklish. Link to post Share on other sites
tase Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Chevy - have you tried reading up on it? I'm sexual, but I was a 'late starter' and between erotica (definitely not video porn) and a bit of pre-internet research, I had a good idea of the basics by the time I finally had sex. Beyond that, being good at sex is more about being good at learning about your partner. I was just about to draw the parallel of a guy in a record shop knowing that customers who like one band will probably like a particular other band, but I'm old and that may go over a lot of posters' heads. Maybe it would be better to use the Amazon 'customers who bought this, also bought this' idea... That was definitely the funniest thing I've read all day. I'm sure me and my local record shop guy would have made great lovers if I actually knew about sex back then or attracted to men. But he probably knew more about what I liked than I did-ha. This is pretty much how I was introduced to Frank Zappa. Hahaha, now I'm imagining, what kind of sex is Frank Zappa?My main memory was guidance with Jefferson Airplane. I'm sure Grace Slick could have taught me all I would ever need to know and much I would never need to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Grace Slick *has private moment* Link to post Share on other sites
chevymule Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Chevy - have you tried reading up on it? I'm sexual, but I was a 'late starter' and between erotica (definitely not video porn) and a bit of pre-internet research, I had a good idea of the basics by the time I finally had sex. Beyond that, being good at sex is more about being good at learning about your partner. I was just about to draw the parallel of a guy in a record shop knowing that customers who like one band will probably like a particular other band, but I'm old and that may go over a lot of posters' heads. Maybe it would be better to use the Amazon 'customers who bought this, also bought this' idea... Thanks. I like the idea of reading up. Do you have any suggestions on non porn books? Actually, I'm hoping to find a suitable candidate first. Seems a little like buying the owners manual before getting the car. :) I think I just need to chill out about it. I've always felt like there was something wrong so I really didn't want to let on about the inexperienced bit. You know, men are supposed to be dominate, in charge, always eager, and very experienced. Finding someone who's good up front with who I am sounds awesome. Dating sites seem promising but so far are useless. My original idea was that if a relationship hasn't gotten to the point where this kind of awkward stuff can be discussed then it isn't time for sex yet. At the time I figured going along with first date sex was harmless. Instead I ended up feeling disrespected and a lot less enthusiastic going forward. The biggest thing I've gotten from this site is understanding that as a demisexual it's really important for me to say no and mean it when it isn't time yet. Once the relationship is right then if sex is going to happen it will work itself naturally. Hey, thanks Telecaster for the very thoughtful reply. That was nice and really good advice. :) Billy Link to post Share on other sites
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