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rejected for being bad in bed


ebonydarkness

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ebonydarkness

I identified as a repulsed asexual for 5.5 years after suffering childhood sexual abuse and only started having sex in recent months at age 22. But guys complain about my lack of oral sex skills and how I'm too quiet in bed, then they don't want to see me anymore. That's so shallow and impatient. I don't want to discuss my history with most of them though. It's frustrating.

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Toothlesss

I wish I could help you, but I have zero experience in dating and sex. :(

What's really important (yes- I know I'm aromantic) you have to find someone who appreciates you for you and not someone who's counting on you for sex alone.

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Gosh!

I thought there must be more guys who aren't into receiving oral. And squeaking & moaning is kind of embarassing when you are wondering how the neighbors will comment on it...

Write them off, remain yourself and maybe discus their expectations in advance before you continue collecting disappointments?

I'm really sad to read your story.

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DragonflytotheMoon

I think my oral skills are decent. I haven't done it for a long time, because, as much as I enjoyed sexual intimacy with my husband, there's so much more to our relationship. I was also vigorous & vocal. Every person is different.

Are the men you with around your own age? Even older men aren't always more mature. They can still be selfish & superficial. My husband is 15 years my senior. He helped me get through a lot jealousy & insecurity issues. That was probably partly due to age & also because he's a considerate, sensitive & giving person.

Knowing about your past abuse might help some be more understanding & supportive. This would need to be with someone you feel comfortable & connected with. Which, of course, does take time. If you're willing to forgo sex until you develop something deeper. Especially with those who have experienced abuse, trust is very important.

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There are people out there who are happy to help a partner learn how to be better at sex. It's a very intimate experience on a number of levels. It's not just about how good you are at sex - that demonstrates an overall attitude those guys had that they expect someone to be a complete package and good at everything. It's so unreasonable for any person to expect that, so they really don't deserve you or your earnest attempts to satisfy them.

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Could you date people and say you are abstaining? You don't have to say "I'm waiting to get married" because getting married won't change your sexual repulsion, but just say at the moment you're abstaining from sex at the moment. You could wait until you really get to know someone, and someone you have romantic chemistry with, before disclosing that you've been sexually abused. You both can go over what you're comfortable with and what you aren't, and what each of your expectations are.

This might drastically reduce the amount of people you'll go on dates with, but it's good to filter people.

Do you have a therapist / counselor / medical professional / support system for your history of abuse?

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It sounds like you didn’t choose well. It’s ok, we’ve all been there. Finding a caring partner is not that easy.


As for sex itself, talking about it certainly helps (yes, in bed). If something doesn’t feel right, either partner can try to explain how things can be more enjoyable for both. It should never be about blaming the partner.


Usually I try to understand what works and what doesn’t with my partner. When in doubt, I will ask her, and start that conversation, as it makes little sense to me to have sex if she is not as involved as I am.


If you find a good, caring partner, talk to him, let him know what you like, and ask him what he likes, or how you can make the whole experience more pleasurable for him, (within your own limits).

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Paradise_Lost

I identified as a repulsed asexual for 5.5 years after suffering childhood sexual abuse and only started having sex in recent months at age 22. But guys complain about my lack of oral sex skills and how I'm too quiet in bed, then they don't want to see me anymore. That's so shallow and impatient. I don't want to discuss my history with most of them though. It's frustrating.

First off, as a man I feel ashamed how you were treated. Abuse is a very traumatic thing to deal with.

Guys must not 'complain'. Romance and physical pleasure most go hand in hand. Whats comfortable must be decided instead of going for whats 'stereotype'. The day you feel happy and into your man, you will do what you want, and he will love it.

You need the right kind of man that appreciates what you give. And that would be true love.

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Yes it's kind of disheartening to read that there are guys out there that behave like this. I guess I'm not shocked, but ashamed for my gender.

Your past experience sounds sad and aweful, but there is zero excuses for a man to tell you such nonsense.

I hope you find a nice caring guy that perhaps can open a dialogue rather than judge.

I agree with Isak (not on the choices comment) that communication is crucial, especially with you most recent past and your early traumas. It may feel a bit awkward to be lying in bed to have these discussions, but inevitably it will be a huge benefit to you and your partner.

Good Luck ebonydarkness

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Telecaster68

Ebony

I'm a sexual man, and you're right about your partners. They're shallow and missing the point of sex. It's not a performance to be graded and if something isnt working for one partner they're the ones wholly suffer by not figuring out with their lover what how to make it better. It's also sexy and fun too do that, and one of the ways sex can bond people.

Technical skill is only one part of whatever makes a good lover anyhow, and not the most important in me book. The really important thing is enthusiasm, just being sharing the moment, enjoying what you're doing and having done to you. That's easily the biggest turn on of all for me.

It sounds like you're becoming more sexual, and maybe you're still anxious on some level about vulnerability or performance. Every body is sometimes, and when you're close and sensitised to your partner's reactions as people are during sex, it's easy to pick up that feeling, so maybe your partners had done that and it affected how they felt, even though they were terrible at dealing with it.

A good lover will help make their partner relaxed and find out what works for them rather than criticising them like a talent show contestant, so I'd say these guys weren't all that as lovers themselves.

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I am VERY quiet (as in, don't breathe heavily, don't moan, I make no noise) and I wouldn't even DO oral, but my boyfriends didn't leave me, or even complain. My ex-spouse said things he preferred and wanted me to do (which included noises and oral), but meh. There aren't a lot of people just "good" in bed without their partner telling them how they like it (example, each guy I have been with has had different preferences and some of those would hurt for the others so...). And not every sexual will leave you for being quiet or not very good at oral. A lot won't. Just write them off as not compatible and move on to someone that is. :)

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Telecaster68

I'm skeptical there's any such thing as an objectively 'good' lover, beyond a basic desire to want and notice if you're partner's having a good time. There's just more or less compatible couples, both physically and mentally.

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I always assumed sex to be a thing that couples have to figure out when they get together. What do they like, what don't they like, frequency, moods? I always assumed that it was about "pushing buttons" on the other person, more or less. You get to know what they like, so you might (!) want to take part in that. And I always assumed that all of this is a learning process you're experiencing. As is humour (ones new SO might find the favourite joke one told their ex super dull) or food (maybe the new SO is not into ones way to cook potatoes at all) or practically everything a couple has to deal with together.

It's a shame that they were not patient enough and that they were unable to recognize, let alone worship your qualities as a person. I'm all for being open to prevent false assumptions to start with, but maybe it was right not to open up about your background too much to them, given what [rear ends] those guys were.

Take your time. It's not your fault if they are unable to people properly.

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nanogretchen4

Keep in mind that I'm demisexual, but I totally couldn't handle having sex with someone I couldn't trust to stick around and work on things rather than leaving if the sex wasn't perfect on the first try. If someone has the attitude, "Let's see how the sex goes, and then maybe I'll call you," that's really just not going to happen. Keep in mind that you don't have to have sex in the early stages of dating just because some entitled jerk seems to expect it.

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I'm skeptical there's any such thing as an objectively 'good' lover, beyond a basic desire to want and notice if you're partner's having a good time. There's just more or less compatible couples, both physically and mentally.

I've heard so many people say they wish they could find someone who knows how women tick in bed, or a guy saying he wants a girl that knows how to do all the porno tricks that look fun... ya know what, if you want something specific from your lover just become an adult and tell them what you like instead of just wishing they'd come pre-made knowing all your likes/dislikes. I've had one ex that liked a certain part stimulated, another couldn't stand that part even to be touched. Everyone is different. And no one is going to be great for everyone. It bugs me so much when people think sex is just some thing you learn, like math equations, so their partner shouldn't need any input from them. Sure, there are basic things you learn that help (like, how to not bite, ignore gag reflex, etc) but ... a lot is just personal preferences. And, of course, sometimes those preferences can't line up even after talking (like one person liking BDSM, the other hating it).

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Telecaster68

"I always assumed sex to be a thing that couples have to figure out when they get together. What do they like, what don't they like, frequency, moods? I always assumed that it was about "pushing buttons" on the other person, more or less"

Yeah it is, and that exploration and finding out the things that make your partner feel amazing is wonderful and gratifying. It's mental as much as physical too.

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I'm skeptical there's any such thing as an objectively 'good' lover, beyond a basic desire to want and notice if you're partner's having a good time. There's just more or less compatible couples, both physically and mentally.

I've heard so many people say they wish they could find someone who knows how women tick in bed, or a guy saying he wants a girl that knows how to do all the porno tricks that look fun... ya know what, if you want something specific from your lover just become an adult and tell them what you like instead of just wishing they'd come pre-made knowing all your likes/dislikes. I've had one ex that liked a certain part stimulated, another couldn't stand that part even to be touched. Everyone is different. And no one is going to be great for everyone. It bugs me so much when people think sex is just some thing you learn, like math equations, so their partner shouldn't need any input from them. Sure, there are basic things you learn that help (like, how to not bite, ignore gag reflex, etc) but ... a lot is just personal preferences. And, of course, sometimes those preferences can't line up even after talking (like one person liking BDSM, the other hating it).

And that incompatibility isn't failure, and ending a relationship doesn't imply that the ex is a bad person. It's not shallow to end a relationship with someone because of sexual incompatibility, and I wish we'd stop using it as a weapon of guilt like that.

If you're not experienced at sex, you require a partner who's willing to help you learn. If you're really into giving/receiving oral sex, you require a partner who is really into receiving/giving oral sex. And so on and so forth - it doesn't make someone better or worse to assert their own preferences and autonomy in bed.

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Telecaster68

And a lot of that is feeling comfortable and trusting enough to go with things your partner likes or wants that wouldn't necessarily cross your mind. Often I've discovered stuff I *really*like that way.

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Yeah, for most people the most important part of dating or having a sex life is to be with a person they're compatible with. It's not to engage in specific sexual acts; that's just a supplementary activity, and people will try to make their sexual interests adapt to the person they're with than to make the person they're with adapt to their sexual interests.

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Telecaster68

When both partners are adapting to the other, it can work *very*well.

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I totally agree that sexual compatibility (or lack of) is a totally legitimate for ending a relationship, but after just one time seems pretty lame. If it's a fetish thing that will never work out that's one thing, but not giving head the way you like, without taking some time to discuss it just seems rude to me.

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ebonydarkness

You know what? I think some of these guys are "players." They say the right things to sound like they care about me on a deeper level but it's all an act to get me into bed. They're trying to "score" with as many women as possible and don't give another thought to me because they're onto their next target. It has caused me months of confusion and worry about what I might have done wrong. It's embarrassing being so naïve at my age when some of my guys are still teenage college students. (Another disclosure: I am on the autism spectrum.) But it's pointless to have regrets so I'm glad I'm learning by experience, even if it's emotionally tasking. It's actually satisfying in a way when they complain about the sex because it confirms my suspicions about their true intentions. I don't have anything against no-strings-attached casual sex but at least be honest about what you're after.

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If they are indeed “players”, chances are they won’t be honest about it.


I agree with you that you have the chance to learn from your past experience. Maybe try to see if you can find any similarities (other than the outcome) in those guys’ behaviour, as there might be a common pattern.


Also, you can try to test their patience, and let the next guy know that you’re not ready to sleep with him, and that you want to get to know him better first. Then see how long he is willing to wait for you, and if his behaviour changes (e.g. if he loses interest, etc.). If the guy is really into you, he will put his hormones aside, and wait.

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Telecaster68
Also, you can try to test their patience, and let the next guy know that you’re not ready to sleep with him, and that you want to get to know him better first. Then see how long he is willing to wait for you, and if his behaviour changes (e.g. if he loses interest, etc.). If the guy is really into you, he will put his hormones aside, and wait.

Really, no. Game playing and tests are a really bad way to start a relationship. It's just a different version of being a player. Just don't feel pressured to do something before you're ready.

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Also, you can try to test their patience, and let the next guy know that you’re not ready to sleep with him, and that you want to get to know him better first. Then see how long he is willing to wait for you, and if his behaviour changes (e.g. if he loses interest, etc.). If the guy is really into you, he will put his hormones aside, and wait.

Really, no. Game playing and tests are a really bad way to start a relationship. It's just a different version of being a player. Just don't feel pressured to do something before you're ready.

I wasn't suggesting the she played those guys (I hate the very idea). All I was saying is that what we say and what we really want are (sometimes) very different things. In the case of "players", an honest conversation (which I did suggest) where she asks them to wait would probably help.

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Telecaster68

Fair enough, that's what I meant too.

Nice axe, btw.

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nanogretchen4

Everyone is testing and evaluating the other person in the early stages of dating. You have to figure out whether you have anything in common with them, whether you're even going to enjoy spending time with them, and whether they seem trustworthy. You also have to figure out whether you have compatible goals. For example, if you are looking for a relationship and they are looking for no strings sex, you need to figure that out. Ideally they would come clean about their intentions rather than getting what they came for under false pretenses, insulting you, and taking off, but not everyone is as ethical and considerate as they could be. If you say you want to wait until you get to know them better and you date for a month or two first, the ones who stick around are less likely not to call you afterwards. And yes, the ones who really just wanted a one night stand will probably be weeded out by this procedure, and that's a good thing. There is nothing wrong or unfair about this sort of "test". You are not obligated to provide free sexual services to everyone who wants them when they want them and how they want them. Seriously, the quality of the free services you provided those losers did not meet their exacting standards and you're supposed to feel bad about that? What about you? Did they please you? Did you get any actual enjoyment out of it at all?

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ebonydarkness

Most of the time I did enjoy the sex. So that's a plus.

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nanogretchen4

Oh, good. Well, maybe try slightly older men. The maturity level of the last batch sounds pretty low, plus they expect you to be really experienced at age twenty two which is silly. Also you don't have to go into anything really personal, but maybe just tell them you're not very experienced and a little nervous. Many people actually enjoy teaching and will want to build your confidence instead of tearing you down. Good luck.

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Age doesn't indicate shit.

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