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Anxiety with relationships and intimacy?


s-nova

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For the past week, I have been talking with this one guy who I like (who likes me back) and we've been discussing having a relationship. That's all well and good, but I'm worried that I'll fall into the same thing that I've done in the past where I get really anxious before a date and completely back out. This has happened a couple times, and I'm seeing a trend.

The thing is, I don't want to back out of what ever happens with this guy, because this is the first time in a year that someone has actually liked me back at the same time that I've liked them.

(It should be mentioned that I identify as biromantic and asexual)
The problem is that every time I think about intimacy (even holding hands. Why do you do this brain) I get terrible anxiety and start running away - metaphorically and literally. Even just flirting gets me anxious. Sure, I've managed to get past the "I like you" but not much further. Not at all further, considering how I've avoided being alone with him like it's the bubonic plague.

It's coming to the point where I'm starting to doubt if I actually like him. He isn't the top 5% in attractiveness but he's the sweetest person, and he makes me laugh, and it was that reason that I started to like him. But now, every time I talk to him, I keep wondering if I actually like him, or if I'm just trying to get attention from this guy because I feel like it. I mean, I don't really look at anyone and think "oh they are super attractive," that just... doesn't happen for me.

A small piece of me wonders if this is a sign that I'm not attracted to males, and that I'm actually attracted to females, but just don't see it because for heteronormity and all that jazz. I've been questioning if I'm homoromantic or even aromantic for a while now, and I thought that this would help clear things up but it's made everything more confusing. I'll start to think about why I started to like him, and I try to pin point when I actually felt romantically attracted to him, and I can't put a pin on it anywhere, I don't even know what it felt like when I started to like him. I can tell you what happy feels like, what sad feels like, but liking someone? Nothing. I don't know what it feels like, and I'm wondering if I actually do feel it.


It's all getting really frustrating because I don't want to lead him on, but I also have no clue what's going on. Help?

tl;dr I'm getting anxious, don't know if I like this guy, and really need help. Any advice really appreciated.

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The best advice I can give you is to tell him what goes on. As you've already been discussing having a relationship, he won't take it the wrong way, and he'll most likely appreciate your honesty. It'll be much easier to sort it out together than leaving him in the dark.

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I was considering doing that, but I don't think he wants to hear that I'm not sure if I like him... I'm mostly worried about the anxieties of being physically close to him.

Now I'm starting to over think things, and I can't text him without trying to deflect all his questions and trying to run away. I don't know what to do...

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Unbreakable Chains

Romantic relationships are a great source of anxiety, trust me. The first girl I went out with I didn't know it I really liked but it ended up being relationship that lasting 2 years and I am so glad I decided to go out with her. Sometimes you have to step outside your comfort zone and do things that are really awkward or scary. When we first went out I just about had a heart attack every time we talked and hugged and such but I learned to accept it and know I am a lot more comfortable/less awkward with romantic situations. The worst thing that can happen to you is that you go out with him, you realize you don't like him, and then you just end it. Thats it. Just try to be calm and coolheaded, I'm sure it will be a lot less scary once you actually get yourself into it. Hope what I said helps.

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Hi, just tell him you like him and that you get nervous when you like someone. Be honest. If he like you he will,accept you.

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Confusedloveally

Just make sure you let him know what you are and are not comfortable with, in a general sense at least, and pretty much what everyone else has told you that you are the nervous type. I've always had problems/discomfort, and before that, anxieties towards intimacy with anyone. To me, it still feel like there is some sort of "barrier" or something that inhibits me from having intimacy with anyone that isn't female. I guess its just me experiencing "sex repulsion" but I would recommend not worrying about it too much. The worst thing that could happen, for the most part, is that you are a little bit regretful, but staying calm will probably help immensely.

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Could it be that you just like him as a friend? It might be a squish (yay, I got to use that word! ^_^) and not a crush, but obviously I don't know either.

I do the running away part pretty literally too. Express any romantic interest and you aren't likely to ever see me again...

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averylongwalk

It's always good to be honest but you also have to be comfortable, even for honesty.

Sometimes baby steps are a good way to go, you could even do smaller steps.

Pep talks, practicing, self soothing techniques, an environment where you're most comfortable.

All good ways to building up to even being honest. and you could even break it down into smaller steps.

work on just what you want to say. If you're not comfortable you can always just say you want to talk but not discuss. give yourself time to process everything.

maybe you need like 10 minutes to continue. The point is to keep anxiety at a minimum.

Dudes can be surprisingly patient.

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