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Romance and my QPP


Victor J

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I'm hoping someone here can give me some advice...

I think I am romantically attracted to my queer-platonic partner. We are both ace, and I have always (as long as I have known about it) identified as aromantic, but I guess that isn't quite true anymore. She is quoi-heteromanric. I identify as female, and so I have pretty much given up on a romantic relationship with her. She is my QPP, and that was enough.

She is starting a romantic relationship with a guy, and it hurts. She has seemed more distant the past couple months. I don't know what to do. I am okay with not being in a romantic relationship with her, but I do want ours to be a primary partnership. I feel selfish for wanting this, I hate that I am jealous of this guy, especially because he makes her happy.

I really don't want to do. I have a hard time connecting with people in general, and I feel closer to her than I have with any other person, including my family. I feel so lost. Does anyone here have any advice?

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WoodwindWhistler

So you're either demi or gray romantic. Okay. I surmise that describing it accurately is not what's really bothering you.

Have you asked her why she's not as responsive to you? Does she know she's even doing it? That's an important question. If she is distancing herself intentionally, that, imho, is not acceptable for someone she's supposed to have declared importance for- even if it's just QPP.

What does he think of you? Do you like the guy? If so, you should spend some time with him. Without her there, because that will interfere with your evaluating of him.

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I know I should talk to her. It just never seems like a good time. We rarely are by ourselves and I'm not really comfortable having that kind of conversation around her roommate. I have a hard enough time having conversations in general.

I have never met the guy. They are in the same major, and see each other during the day during classes. This is a fairly recent development and they seem to talk a lot by text.

I feel so out of the loop. I barely knew about him before and didn't even know she was interested before they declared mutual intrest in each other.

I feel so stupid and selfish. I feel like I'm overreacting, like I have no right to feel this way.

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You could be demiromantic. Or it could not be due to a bond but just be rare in general, which is Gray-romantic. And demi is also under its umbrella.

But platonic jealousy does exist.

Romantic attraction is an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc. And not everyone is into making out (half of the world's cultures aren't), nor do you need romantic feelings to desire to make out, so neither of those indicate someone’s orientation.

But you also don't need to have romantic feelings to be romantic; you can also just desire to act romantically.

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Cinnamon Biscuit

First of all having desires doesn't make you selfish. You have the right to feel. You want a committed partner whether romantic or platonic with a close friend, and that's valid and good. Hoping for something isn't a bad or a negative character trait. You may have to accept the reality that she might not be that partner and that's a big deal when you hoped otherwise. It's tough and can be painful. That's normal. It's something we all go through because we all lose things precious to us. If she means anything, it will be hard to accept. So don't beat yourself over for being like everyone else.

Many romances come and go and sometimes fizzle out quickly, so nothing may come out of this and you honestly have nothing to worry about. However, it sounds like the real problem is you don't know what's going on in your own relationship with her and thus lack any relational security. You guys sound like you haven't been that close lately and haven't had any real talk. If you're drifting apart you both need to be more proactive in creating time for each other and communicating if that's what you both want. It takes two to have a relationship. Many friendships are fine with distance and loads of downtime, but primary relationships need much more dedicated time.

Do you guys have some sort of understanding about your QPR? Is it just a casual or official relationship? What does the relationship mean and what expectations are there? What responsibilities do you have to each other? Those are things you probably need to discuss with her. Even in romantic relationship people have very different expectations and needs. She may also think QPR are not a primary relationship or that she's free to explore romance. Some partners would be okay with that, but if you're not you should express to her what your hopes are for the relationship but also listen to hers. If she is romantic she may not have all her needs met in a QPR, and that's okay. However, you need to figure out in what capacity you can have a relationship with her.

If you haven't had any alone time, you may need to "make" that time. Text or call her up and tell her you need to talk to her privately. You could also just send your concerns over text/email.

If she won't talk or things get cold... let her go. You can choose to still be a friend and wait it out, but that's up to you. It takes two to have a relationship and if she isn't in it give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants.

I'm hardly an expert on relationships but I hope that at least gives you an idea of what to do next. Good luck to you. Peace be with you.

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Cinnamon Biscuit, thank you so much for your post. It helps a lot more than you might think having feelings validated. I will definitely make time to talk to her.

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Cinnamon Biscuit

You're welcome :) Good on you for taking the steps to resolve your own problems!

I grew up around people who invalidated my feelings and I felt bad for having basic human emotions. So I know how important it is to recognize your own feelings as real, valid, and needing attention and care.

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WoodwindWhistler

I know I should talk to her. It just never seems like a good time. We rarely are by ourselves and I'm not really comfortable having that kind of conversation around her roommate. I have a hard enough time having conversations in general.

I have never met the guy. They are in the same major, and see each other during the day during classes. This is a fairly recent development and they seem to talk a lot by text.

I feel so out of the loop. I barely knew about him before and didn't even know she was interested before they declared mutual intrest in each other.

I feel so stupid and selfish. I feel like I'm overreacting, like I have no right to feel this way.

I see. Well, keep looking for that opportunity, and realize you may be psyching yourself out of it, too. If you can, relax.

Ask her if you can meet him. Since she's an important partner to you, it should make sense that you want to see who she's into. (Right? I'm actually not sure. Just seems that way to me.)

You may be overreacting a little bit, especially if it's as new as you say, and you seem to be aware that you are. Don't beat yourself up or anything, but do stay conscious of that.

You may have to accept the reality that she might not be that partner and that's a big deal when you hoped otherwise. It's tough and can be painful. That's normal. It's something we all go through because we all lose things precious to us. If she means anything, it will be hard to accept. So don't beat yourself over for being like everyone else.

Isn't it like *way* premature to say things like this, if this is a pretty recent development?

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