Problems with anxiety relating to asexuality

[space_ace]

Hi, I'm new to the forum but not at all to AVEN :D This may be a little lengthy so bear with me...

So, I'm in my late teens, I've been in two relationships. I also have anxiety & I'm asexual. With my last relationship there were some problems regarding physical affection. I'm okay with cuddling, kissing, hand holding, etc. But whenever a sexual situation arises I get extremely uncomfortable and anxious. Now, I believe that I'm partially sex-repulsed. Which I understand is okay. My problem is that, even when a situation isn't inherently sexual, even if there's a slight hint regarding someone i'm interested in, i just get extremely anxious? Like one time my ex sent me pictures of them shirtless, and for some reason that just made my anxiety spike. Like i know it's not directly something to take sexually, but for some reason that's where my mind goes, and i get scared. If just one of my friends is talking to me about a sexual experience, i'm pretty fine with it. But when it comes to a partner or very close friend, it makes me very uncomfortable/uneasy. It's so weird and hard to explain i feel like. Like i can tell myself over and over that this person will not force me into a sexual situation, but I still get that fear almost? And my uncomfortable-ness with crushes/close friends talking to me about their past sexual endeavors is less of a shaming type of thing, but more of an "i'm very uncomfortable thinking about this" It's just like, how do you tell someone that? I wish I didn't feel this way honestly, it would make everything a lot less stressful haha.

I don't know if i'm just sensitive to the topic, i feel like it's mainly just my anxiety causing it all. I've never really spoken to anyone about this and i felt as though someone on here could help. I also get treatment for my anxiety, but have yet to mention me being asexual. If anyone feels like they can help/give advice in any way that'd be much appreciated, i'm just so lost rn. Thanks pals.

[Busrider]

:redface: May I humbly suggest to print your posting out and hand it your partner(s)?

Its late at night and this is my 2nd language, but I felt like understanding you.

AFAIK the BDSM crowd yells *Safeword* in your mentioned situations. Some folks established traffic light symbols i.e.: "yellow!" & "red!"

Most relationships suffer from a lack of comunication inducing a lack of understanding and an overload of discomfort and sacrifice.

Keep communication simple, but for (borrowed) God's sake do it!

Sorry I haven't encountered somebody like you romantically. - My current biggest question would be: "What is your partner supposed or still permitted to do once you said "Yellow!"?" - I fear its your turn to sit and figure that out with therapist and partner(s). - Good luck!

[space_ace]

@Busrider Thank you for the advice! I understand what you mean :)

[touching-not-so-much]

You sound a bit like me, and I should STILL be seeing someone and taking meds for my anxiety and depression. I'm not a doctor, but I think it's likely you at least have generalized anxiety and possibly some other more specific variations - it's not a BAD thing to see someone about mental or emotional issues - I did it myself, went to first my local Native American hospital's mental health department, and later my state's free mental health facility. Mainly just talking with the counselor probably did the most good, but the meds really took the edge off and I sort of "plateaued" at a certain anxiety level I could live with more or less (though of course unusual situations still had a more severe effect).

I too am not sure, and somewhat worried, as I also am not sure if I'm asexual because I'm asexual or because I've been so dreading it and have not had any relationships or closeness, that now it's something I innately avoid - I don't know how much of mine is out of fear (either current or borne from older). I'm not sure how to approach something like that, as I know for certain I have a mindset that makes me weary of the whole sex thing in general and not interested in the topic the majority of the time.

The best I've found to do is try to learn about all this, think about my own situation and possibilities, but not dwell on it or make it a major issue. Best to you though and your searching.

[space_ace]

Thank you for that! I'll try to bring it up to my therapist, it's just a little scary to think about, but hey it's not supposed to be easy right? :P

[Binny]

Hi,

I have suffered from anxiety since I was a teenager. I am in my fifties and married. When I was younger I would get extremely anxious and even have panic attacks on dates. Not sure if it is asexuality or anxiety but this is the way I am. Still bothers me and still trying to deal with it. I really felt pressured to be a stud when I was younger with my upbringing and for whatever reason I thought I should be aroused by every woman. I remember thinking I wish I was ugly so womengorls would not be attracted to me. If I knew then what I knew now I would not have forced the issue of having sex in order to fit in and meet societal and my own extreme expectations. This I believe would have reduced my anxiety then and even now.

[Busrider]

I guess I should pick up on the safeword & follow up routine. Big question: What might be your needs / helpful and comfortable to you? As the other party I'd love clear orders like:

Rush to have a smoke on the balcony (grants a 4min break).

(Now I'd wonder what to do next) Go kitchen make hot chocolate, lets have it at my dining table (<- an appreciated physical barrier?) and talk about *list of 3 harmless subjects* (<-should be known in advance considering the preparation time at hand...) Would be an example of something that grants you a break and a chance to rescue the evening. - Can you recover quick enough and come up with a plan for some innocent enough activity that gives the other a feeling of its still great to hang with you?

Do you need more time and appreciate restarting after a couple of days?

When to talk about details? - When to tell what exactly felt kind of wrong?

Is it possible to comfort you physically in a non sexual way?

Is there an option to do everything fluently? - Like getting back into each ones corner of the boxing ring and talk / analyze?

The other side will be uncomfortable / surely not entirely understanding what they did for which reason wrong and clueless how to carry on. - I think I once felt too guilty and gave a relationship / crush up... Thats why I'm insisting on a pre-written choreography.

It might work for simple cases too. - "Yellow! - Hand on knee" -> seating change from couch to around a table & "ooops sorry. Topic change needed?"

All I know for sure: standing around feeling guilty and not knowing what to do sucks.

It would be extremely helpful for the others to know how to soothe you.

[HighDrive]

Anxiety is a drag. There are at least three people I'm complete transparent to: my girlfriend, my doctor and my counselor. (Selectively to my lawyer and accountant :D)

The more those people know about you, the more they can support you.

I hope you are close enough to your partner so you can be open; and definitively be open to the counselor you are working with for your anxiety.

Bringing my own anxiety in the open has helped me understand it and channel it.

Right now I'm going through an anxiety episode thinking I could have handler something better and I lost a big opportunity. So I think I know how you feel.

[space_ace]

Thank you for all the help you kind people :) I scheduled an appointment for therapy for next week so here's hoping all goes well!

[Forever Puppy]

I'm glad you're going to see a therapist! It helps so much! I love therapy because I can just talk about things and be given tools to help me deal with my anxiety! I would also suggest meditation, it's just good for you all around! But anyway...I can totally relate, and before I knew that asexuality was a thing, I told my therapist about my relationship anxiety and now I know why! I was questioning my sexuality for years until I came across asexuality and AVEN! But I believe the anxiety comes from your brain not knowing what to do with a situation involving romance or sex and you feel like if you engage in romantic activities then it's going to lead to sexual activities and you just don't want to go there! At least that is what I experience. I get very awkward and anxious when someone flirted with me or even told me I was attractive...I just say thank you and claim I am late for something and run away (well, walk quickly). I believe that because I am asexual, I can't relate to people who are allosexual with respect to their thoughts and feelings on the subject of sexual attraction and therefore, I cannot respond in a way that would be considered "normal" or "expected" because I simply don't experience it and my brain considers it "foreign" and so I get anxious. That's what I think, after overthinking it for years and talking to my therapist. It's an approach-avoid conflict where you want to be close to someone, but the anxiety about getting intimate interferes, so you want to avoid it! I don't know, I am sorry that it took me so long to get out what I'm trying to say...i had it all perfectly explained in my head but when I went to write it down, it came out all long-winded!

TLDR: I believe, at least for me, and maybe you, that the anxiety stems from the fact that sexual attraction and being intimate in that way is "foreign" to us and therefore uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking. My brain, and your brain possibly, has no idea how to respond because it just doesn't think like that, and therefore, you get all anxious and retreat because you want to avoid it going further, and way more awkward! My advice is just to be straight-up with people and say, look, I like you, but I am asexual, and don't take it personally because I don't experience sexual attraction to ANYONE! I used to tell guys I was a lesbian so they would leave me alone! I still do sometimes!

[space_ace]

That helps a lot actually! I think you may be right, I'm going to keep trying to figure it out and get comfortable with the fact that sex is just normal for some people and I just have to be straight-up about what I want/don't want in a relationship

[girlinstory]

Good luck with therapy! I hope you like it. If not, don't give up. Different kinds of therapy are very different (cognitive behavioral therapy, psychiatric, etc.) Another shrink wrapper may be right for you.

One of the biggest problems I had was separating it from my mental health issues. I've always felt broken, and realizing that my asexuality was one way that I actually wasn't broken was a huge relief.