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Confused about sex and orientation


MorganH

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Hi there. I'm new here and I hope I am posti.g this I. the right section. I am writing because I am very confused about my sexual and romantic orientation and would like some help.

A little info about me: 24, female, been questioning sexuality and identity for about 5 years. I think I may be something like genderqueer, or androgynous, anyway, not fully trans and ftm but still with a non-binary identity.

Past and current relationships: when I was 15 I was for a year with a 24 year-old guy. I was not happy and I did not love him, but I was alone and with very low self esteem. I honestly thought I could not do anything better so I agreed to the relationship. I just wanted to feel loved. Now, he never outright forced me to have sex, but he pressured me several times into some things like oral sex, implying he would end the relationship if I did not comply. Eventually I got tired and left him.

Now: been with my girlfriend for 2,5 years. I am fine with her, the sex is good and I feel good.

About my orientation: at first I thought I was straight. Then I found out about asexuality and that and I started questioning. Thought I could be heteroromantic asexual, because I found it difficult to imagine myself I. A sexual relationship with a guy. Then I met my gf and thought maybe I was biromantic. However, I was curious about the sex, so I tried. It feels good, so maybe I thought I could be just bisexual.

Now, here come the questions. I am not sure bisexual is the right term for me. Here is how I feel.

About men: I like them. If I watch a movie, I'm going to notice the men. I like looking at pics of men, reading stories about men (especially gay men), in general I like them. I also like to imagine them in a sexual setting. But I am not able to imagine myself in a sexual setting with a man. I find it hard even to imagine myself kissing one. Attractive and all, I like them even in a sexual setting, but not with me.

About women: SOMETIMES I notice them. Most of the time I don't. I don't usually feel sexually attracted to them. Even with my gf: our relationship works because we share a lot and are emotionally connected, but I don't "desire" her. The sex feels good, but I am not attracted to her in a sexual way. In general I have a low sexuL attraction to women. It's there, but not much. However, itr easier for me to view myself in a sexual setting. A few days ago I met a woman I was attracted to and I was able to imagine myself in a sexual setting.

Now, this is getting long, so I''ll try to sum up.

Past experience with older boyfriend: not well, I was pressured, have bad memories.

Current experience with girlfriend: emotionally good, sexually fun, but no sexual attraction to her. The sex works because of communication, we are very open and share our kinks, but I am not very attracted to women in general.

Crushes: I have had crushes with men before, but I never wanted sex with them.

Despite everything, I do notice men a lot more than women and like to imagine THEM (NOT ME) in a sexual situation.

Plus, I do not feel 100% a woman and prefer, especially during sex, to assume a male identity. Not ftm though, I would not want to just "become a man", as in change identity and all.

Sexual attraction in general: healthy,with low sex drive. Uncomfortable with men, not sure if it is because of a past experience or if it'll just the wag I am. More comfortable with women, but low attraction towards them. I find men attractive, but only in theory. I may be demisexual or ace, don't know- this is why I am asking you. What do you think?

Thanks a lot for reading!!!

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Hey :) I think all your thoughts about sexuality and romantic orientation are intelligent and accurate.

I think that the best definition for sexual attraction is the desire (for yourself) to be sexually involved with someone. You will have to determine if you yourself have any real sort of desire to be sexually involved with men or women.

I think that you may like adopting the label grey-A, which commonly refers to a person who experiences sexual attraction rarely, but can also signify the sexual attraction you do experience is either limited or only occurs under certain circumstances.

Lastly, enjoying sex does not automatically equate to sexual attraction. It is possible to enjoy sex and be asexual.

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