Not sure what to identify as

[PhoenyxOfTheAshes]

Hi everyone!!

Nice to meet y'all. I'm kind of struggling right now with trying to determine how to identify. I think I may be gray-ace. But I really don't know.

Growing up, I experienced sexual desire towards a few people. But never wanted to *actually* do anything sexual. So for example, my first interest was with a guy in college. I was sexually attracted to him, but when it came to actually doing anything, I suddenly didn't want to. This involves me doing anything to him, him doing anything to me, or actual intercourse (the latter we never did because I had no real desire to do so). Fast forward to the next few people, all the same stories. Desire for them, but not for actually doing anything.

I finally got to the point where I did lose my virginity, just because I felt I should have. I think I was 24 or 25 at the time and felt like a loser for not losing it sooner. But again, with that guy I had a desire for him, but not to do anything.

Now I'm with my current boyfriend and I have no real desire to do anything with him. And I feel REALLY shitty for it. Like I'm a horrible significant other. I still do things with him, but it's more to grow closer to him and because I know HE wants to do it. Sometimes I do too, but not necessarily for sexual reasons. But then I think to the beginning of my relationship and I do remember wanting to do it....but again when it got time to actually doing it, I feel meh about it. But now I don't even really feel the initial desire for it that I have had in past relationships.

But I know I absolutely love the guy. Whenever I'm away from him I feel so sad and I just want to be with him again. I day dream of spending the rest of our lives together. So I know it's not a matter of not loving him. Because I absolutely adore him. I'm thinking it may be my sexual orientation instead....

I don't know if I have a really low sex drive, or if I'm gray-ace, or maybe demi. Or just ace.

Can anyone help offer insight at all? :/

[Lost247365]

I can't tell you what your actual orientation is, but I can give you my opinion.

You said that you don't desire to have sex or "do things" in your post. Well, If you have no desire to have sex with a person, then that makes you full-on asexual. You can't have sexual attraction without desiring to have sex. One requires the other, at least if you go by the AVEN or dictionary definition of the word.

So, unless I am completely misunderstanding what you mean, you are probably experiencing romantic attractions and mistaking it for sexual attraction. We aces can experience romantic, platonic, sensual, emotional, and aesthetic attractions and many of us often mistake these for sexual attraction.

But we can never experience sexual attraction: An attraction that forms from intrinsically desiring sex with another person. No desire means no sexual attraction which makes one asexual.

I hope this helped :)

[PhoenyxOfTheAshes]

See, my thing is that I do experience an initial desire to do sexual things....but when it comes time to do it, I suddenly lose the desire.

So it seems like I like sex in theory, but not actually acting on it. Does that make sense?

[z0z0333]

I'm pretty sure sexual desire and sexual attraction are different. I've found myself being sort of like curious about it but wouldn't actually do it. And I identify with asexual. You can be sex-positive or really enjoy it but not feel the attraction and still be ace.

[Lost247365]

See, my thing is that I do experience an initial desire to do sexual things....but when it comes time to do it, I suddenly lose the desire.

So it seems like I like sex in theory, but not actually acting on it. Does that make sense?

That makes sense.

There are in fact many different ways sexuality function and more than one way that one can be asexual. What you are describing sounds very much like a type of Fraysexuality only your sexual attraction fades more when it comes time to actually engage in such activities.

I personally still consider that a type of asexuality, but I generally around here I find that most Fraysexuals consider themselves a type of gray-asexual. Probably because they feel their orientation isn't as clear cut. Maybe that is something for you to consider?

It not like there is a penalty for picking the wrong identity. If you find out you were wrong you can just say you were mistaken and identify correctly when you figure it out.

I'm pretty sure sexual desire and sexual attraction are different. I've found myself being sort of like curious about it but wouldn't actually do it. And I identify with asexual. You can be sex-positive or really enjoy it but not feel the attraction and still be ace.

They are different, but you cannot experience sexual attraction without sexual desire.

It like a cookie vs cookie dough. They aren't the same thing but you can't make a cookie without first having cookie dough. Similarly, You can't have sexual attraction without first having sexual desire.

None of this means that you can't be sex-positive or find sex enjoyable. It simply means that if you don't have the potential to desire to have sex then you don't have sexual attraction and therefore you are asexual. IE you like cookies but you never hunger for them.

[PhoenyxOfTheAshes]

I honestly like the label "gray-ace". Just because I do feel I'm in a gray area. Not sure how I feel about "fraysexual". But thank you for pointing that out, Lost247365