I'm confused... getting to know this girl online and...

[Guest]

Yes, I realize this is my first post here. I've been reading this forum anonymously for a while now. But I'm confused...

About myself a bit first...

I don't know yet myself where I fall into... I'm a 31 Years male old now... still single. I'm pretty much oblivious to anyone approaching me with flirts or hints. They just don't reach me.. I'm a social derp to this.

Neither would I intentionally flirt with the opposite sex either, or occasionally sometimes what I say lands as a flirt when it's not meant as such. It's confusing! Nor would I like to have kids. I'm more longing for someone that holds me close. Do things/travel together. Maybe live together when the relationship progresses.

Although I met this girl online, which I'm having some great conversations with online and through chat. It's so much fun, I lose track of time... I feel we have so much in common, it's something I've never experienced before... like it fits so well. I can just be me and it feels fine... Except we had a conversation about how we feel just a few days ago. I felt it didn't really went well. It's been like 2 months of talking online together now and she told me she usually falls in love really fast and doesn't have it happen towards me... Ever since this talk it's been bothering me, I really like this girl... maybe it's love? I don't know, I've never had something progressing this far... But in the end she made a conclusion I'm not... and this is where the last few days of sadness within started..

...

:(

Edit:

I still have a few question left to myself:

- Am I asexual as well because of this? I'm still a virgin, so I can't tell myself if I would enjoy it. But safe to say, to discover this is so minor in interest to me compared to having a partner in life... Also, she tells me that it would never happen either. Which is totally fine with me I'm not looking at her at all for that.

- Maybe questions arise or answers come the more I discover here...?

Edit 2:

- Ah yes, I got one more. Platonic vs Romantic love.. it's a question she asked me, I don't even know the difference nor could I give an answer to it either...

So much confusing stuff...

[Guest]

More thoughts dump on this... Maybe it's romantic love? Looking back at whenever she sends a chat message or wanted to talk over voice chat. I'd drop whatever I was doing to give full attention to her for as long as my brain versus sleep holds out...

I wouldn't hug friends here, I consider that to be special for my partner. I'd shy away if someone else would try to hug me, even a real good friend. But I think I would be fine and comfortable with my partner...

[Sage Raven Domino]

As far as I understand, she has 'friendzoned' you (as sexuals say), i.e. she's not going to be your romantic partner.

If you're also fine with her potentially having a husband other than you, then you're just best friends, or 'in platonic / fraternal love' (though I think that, for lay people who equate romantic and sexual attraction, 'platonic' is more or less synonymous to 'sexless').

[Star Bit]

I assume you've also never had foreplay. If you do desire foreplay then I'd hold off on a title until that happens and you know whether foreplay does or does not trigger your desire for sex. If you don't desire foreplay and have never desired sex, then yes, you could be asexual. If you've never had a crush or don't desire a romantic relationship then you may also be aromantic. From what you've said about the girl, it's not clear if you feel romantically or not. As for the difference between romantic and platonic love, the two can be similar, but it doesn't seem to be easily put into words. The two can be equal in intensity (but technically feel different) or one can be more intense than the other.

------

If you meant what's the difference between romantic and platonic feelings in general, sexual/romantic people get those confused as well, although it's normally toward the same gender. (link) But they normally end up figuring it out, while asexuals can remain confused on it for many years or even perpetually.

Platonic attraction (aka a friend crush or squish; a play on the romantic word crush) is the impulse to further know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, to close friends, to best friends. It may include nervousness or admirance, and once the desired bond is reached the squish goes away.

Romantic attraction is an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc. And not everyone is into making out (half of the world's cultures aren't), nor do you need romantic feelings to desire to make out, so neither of those indicate someone’s orientation.

But you also don't need romantic attraction to be in a romantic relationship/be romantic, you just need to act romantically (which either amounts to both partners simply feeling romantically or both not and acting in a romantic/non-platonic way). Also, you don't need to want typical things to be romantic and the intensity of romantic attraction can differ by person (i.e. how you feel romantic attraction in general or how you romantically feel about each crush). People also react differently to things they don't reciprocate (at all or not fully); it can vary from positive to neutral to negative. So also know that it's completely normal for this unreciprocation to cause loss of romantic interest.

[Guest]

As far as I understand, she has 'friendzoned' you (as sexuals say), i.e. she's not going to be your romantic partner.

If you're also fine with her potentially having a husband other than you, then you're just best friends, or 'in platonic / fraternal love' (though I think that, for lay people who equate romantic and sexual attraction, 'platonic' is more or less synonymous to 'sexless').

If I read this, I'm feeling like crying now at your first sentence, I read this last night before going to sleep. It's been forever on my mind now.. slowly burning in my chest? It feels like I just want to curl up in a fetal position in bed... :( Haven't really slept any good with this thought in my mind... Anxiety?

I assume you could also mean partner with husband? Because I see marriage not as a requirement to be exclusive to each other...

And @Star Bit

Your assumption there is right, I never had foreplay, nor initiated ever myself. I don't if I would desire sex either, because I simply had no experience it. Nor do I feel myself having an obligation to myself to have it.

Sure, I have had crushes before.... I'm really excited whenever we start our voice chats, I like hearing her more over than just messages.

There is a dream of me when we would first meet wanting to hold her closely to me, embracing her. Not wanting to let go... quickly. To let her have her rest against my on the couch for example. It's not something I'd feel comfortable letting even my best friend do.

Defining/learning things for me is through experiencing it. People often make theories about something and I wouldn't understand. But when it's given with examples. Or I do give them examples. I/We can often come to conclusion into what we mean. Hence my confusement.. i guess

It's just hard to explain feelings online as well. And I know from my past I have difficulty expressing them. I've been bullied a lot in my childhood, making me insecure about expressing myself properly... :(.

Edit: I've just started the relationship game recently. I'm a total noob at it too..

[Guest]

Few days of reflection later...

Holy crap, Star bit... that hint of yours to might being aromantic googled me to this page:

http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/69145328274/you-might-be-aromantic-if

There's like so many things there that describe my feelings or me...

But yet, isn't wanting a something "exclusive partners" a romantic thing? Is there something more? What's this queerplatonic thing? *need more to do research...*

...

I guess I'm still confused what I do want... But it's a little bit more clear now.

[Star Bit]

A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is a platonic relationship that has (or is desired to have) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship (excluding sex and making out). It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm and/or displaying platonic sensual contact above the norm (which depending on the culture may include chaste kissing, although a person preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make them aromantic). Or in short, "super best friends." They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or be mistaken for a couple. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.

Extra info:

(The following is currently under some definitions of the term queerplatonic, but others agree these should be split up into another term; possibly Quasiplatonic; an alternative term for queerplatonic for those who want to avoid the gay interpretation of the word queer, but the prefix quasi does not actually reflect that and means the opposite; nor does the word platonic hold up under it either; as the word cannot include sex or romance)

A quasiplatonic relationship (QSPR/ QZPR) should mean a friends with benefits relationship that can involve making out and/or sex (though FWB should suffice, but it may be useful for people in committed FWBs who dislike the term because it’s commonly used without commitment).

A quasiromantic relationship (QSRR/ QZRR) should mean a relationship that someone does not want to call romantic because it is (accurately) QP to one and romantic to the other.

_{But currently it means this: "Someone who identifies as quasiromantic may see their attraction as non-traditional or may feel it differs from crushes, perhaps a mix between platonic, romantic, aesthetic, or somewhere completely different and/or it involves other non-traditional aspects, such as rare attraction, or attraction but non-physical, non-platonic but romantic, etc." I don't know how long it's been around; it's not too popular so i don't think that long (maybe because it doesn't make much sense) . So maybe this can be corrected. It doesn't really hold any of the quasi meanings either.}

And to clarify the remaining types of relationships that were not mentioned, a relationship does not need romantic attraction nor romantic desire to be romantic (nor does it need typical romantic things), it simply needs to have what is categorized as romance (even if mutual absence in romantic attraction is desired). Just like neither sexual attraction nor sexual desire are needed to have a sexual relationship; simply being sexually active is. So past the obvious mutual romantic attraction option that lacks typical romantic things, if someone’s relationship resembles it enough and has no possible way of saying those things are applicable to normal friendship behaviors of any kind, then it is a romantic relationship. An example would be people who desire a FWB situation with queerplatonic characteristics; which is 99% the same as a normal romantic relationship minus the romantic feelings. And being hyporomantic (i.e. sparsely romantic) is still romantic too.

[Guest]

@Star Bit, thanks!

Yes, I couldn't stop reading into this stuff... And I suddenly realized that one of my friends has such a relation... it never dawned to me before. I asked him about it yesterday, and he told me I guessed right. He usually introduces his partner as his "girlfriend" because it's just easier for people who don't understand...

After reading so much, various blogs, this forum. I slowly discovering myself and knowing what I can give and can't. I'm just not a romantic person, flirting doesn't come to me as natural. The flirts or romantic actions I took before in the past were usually because everyone was doing it... being a copy-cat. Sure, I have had crushes... I think.., which might've been squishes though for it's been too long ago. I met this girl trough OKC, but heck, I'm almost pretty sure dating is not for me. I was uncomfortable with idea before I joined it. Never had a date either because things never gotten that far.
She told me in one of her conversations that she heteroromantic... and visits an asexual forum a lot.. I don't know but it might be this one too. She didn't tell. It's her "getaway" place so I'm not trying to find her either.

I'm probably insanely lucky finding for finding her on OKC defining myself as a regular "Straight" guy. I don't know why I'm OKC by now anymore... it feels wrong. Meh.. :D

Short to say the anxious feeling now that I had for the last week in being "friendzoned" as Diamond Ace said is gone. I feel relieved and happier :D... currently awaiting to hear her again.