Need advice for a parent problem.

[A-MEI-zing]

Hi, I recently discovered that i am asexual and have come out to my friends and grandma. before i came out i was questioning whether or not i liked the term asexual and i mentioned to my parents that i thought i might be asexual. i have not officially come out to them. i have been doing a lot of self exploration while i was figuring out asexuality and beyond my sexual orientation i have made some mental health and emotional discoveries. i have decided to stop being a verbal punching bag. so i am pushing back when people hurt me but saying "i don`t like that comment" or "can we approach this conversation this way". this is too much for my parents who see this as an attack. and because i am finally standing up for myself my parents do not like the situation. they called my brother and asked him to sneakily find out what is wrong with me. thankfully he just came out and asked me and is glad i am standing up for my self. but here comes the strange part. my brother told me that my parents already have an idea of what my problem is; my friends. i have 3 close friends that i see weekly, two of them are gay and together, and one is an overweight female. this apparently makes them not "mainstream". this is the whole problem i do not have mainstream friends because i am incapable of making normal friends or i am just so depressed that i am "settling" for the only friends i could get. and they are not even real friends just acquaintances (according to my parents). my parents also believe that because of my friends i have decided to be asexual in order to fit in with their queerness, and that i have become more touchy and moody to fit in with my non normal friends because all non normal people are moody and depressed. my mom also believes that being asexual means i have given up an a romantic relationship because i think i am not good enough. they are trying to fix me with old "magic" cures like cats and cupcakes that used to make me instantly happy again. but i am not going to be a verbal punching bag in return for cats and food. this situation is so ludicrous that i cant even fathom where this idea came from. i would simply ignore them but, my brother needs to make a "report" and he needs help figuring out what to say. does anyone have any advice? besides changing my friends because i love them and i am going to keep them. otherwise i am completely lost. any help or support at all is much appreciated.

[Captain Hufflepuff]

Hi A-MEI-zing,

Honestly, I'm pretty new here, so I'm not sure I'm the best person to be giving you advice or anything like that. Especially seeing as I just came out as asexual myself. But, reading your post, I found myself really relating to you. So, while I don't have any advice to give, I guess I wanted to attempt to offer you some support (not sure if that's helpful or not, but I'll try).

Like I said, I just came out as asexual too. And my parent's reaction was very similar to the reaction you got from yours. They said a lot of things in that conversation, but the thing they said the most was that I'm just not mature enough to understand my own desires (which is absurd because I'm 19- I think I know by now what I want). They also told me things like I'm scared of relationships and that's why I'm "choosing" to be asexual, and that I just want to fit in with society and because "everything is gay now" (their words not mine), I decided that I wanted to get on board with that. They even told me that it's okay if I'm a closeted lesbian, and I could come out to them, and they would still love me and everything. That last one was especially confusing because I had literally just come out to them, so I don't understand why they thought I wasn't done yet. We eventually came to an unspoken agreement that we just wouldn't talk about it ever again. And I'm okay with that. I don't feel like I need their approval to continue with my life.

I guess the bottom line is that our parents belong to a different generation, and so they probably won't understand these things. And yeah, that kind of sucks, but we can't really change that. I've always believed that you should unapologetically be who you are, and it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. What I've found over the last couple months is that you don't have to agree with someone to love them. I think you're awesome for not wanting to be a verbal punching bag anymore, and I don't think you should ever have to apologize for standing up for yourself, especially if you're doing it calmly. I'm sorry that you're going through this with your parents. I know it's not fun. I suppose if I had to give you advice, it would be to stand your ground. Don't give up your friends because you think that's what your parents want. I mean, I think you should respect your parents, but that doesn't mean they get to run everything in your life. Besides, "mainstream friends" are overrated. Weirdos are way more fun :).

Know that you've got a friend here, and if you ever need to talk about this not-so-great situation, I'm happy to. Best of luck with your parents! I hope that was at least a little helpful.

[A-MEI-zing]

thank you so much Captain Hufflepuff i can not express how grateful i am to know that i am not alone . your support truly helps and i love how much thought you put into your reply. i think the arrangement you have with your parents to never talk about it again would work for me, i just don`t know how to get there when my parents see this as a problem to be solved. also i Love harry potter so you are a great person . (i`m a gryffindor BTW). ^_^

[Scout the Supreme Overlord]

Same

Good luck with this. Not sure if I can give advice, I'm currently in the same boat. Keep us updated! We are (especially me ;) ) always here for support. And we have cake!!! ^_^

P.S. GRYFFINDORS RULE :P

[WünderBâhr]

It's been many moons since I had to deal with parent issues, but one thing has remained constant over the yrs of seeing story after story of parental woes: eventually, you grow up. You become your own person, with your own life.

Be honest about who you are. That's what you can control and take pride in. Either misconceptions will change due to them accepting that you're your own person and loving who you are as their child, or they'll hold on to those ideas. You can then choose to continue living your life, leaving the door open for them to be a part of it, if that's what you want.

It's easier for someone living on their own to say "blargh @ ppl who don't understand! Who needs them?!" I'm not as family oriented as many out there, so that was my approach to a lot of things.

It may not be that simple, for others. So, do what you can to inform them. Idk if you should let the information go through a third party. Even as your brother may be in your corner, he can't explain why you feel disrespected and hurt when they dismiss your friends. You have a community of people behind you to say, "you and your feelings matter with this", so.. there's that.

Hope it works out.

/two cents