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My (A)sexual relationship


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I need some advice or suggestions or something. I've been dating a guy for over a year, and in that time I've realized that I'm asexual. He's been my first boyfriend. I love him to death, but lately our relationship has been strained by our differences in sexual desire. I just want to be touched, held, cuddled, and kissed. That's what I need in a relationship I don't like sex. It's painful and awkward for me, but it's something he really enjoys and I think wants in our relationship. He's been really understanding throughout this whole process, but I feel like he deserves the sex life he wants. If anybody has a potential solution to this problem, or has been through something similar I would really appreciate hearing from you. I feel lost right now, and I don't have any friends that understand what an asexual life is like.

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Gnotknormal

Hi there. Sorry to hear that you're struggling.

I think there is a bit strain on relationships when the sexual desire does not match. I have had this issue in the past (I didn't know about asexuality and just insisted I had a low sex drive). I struggled with physical intimacy because I loved it, cuddling, holding hands, caressing etc. But I refrained from doing it because it would either lead to sex or to my partner feeling 'teased' or 'lead on'. So I know your struggle in some way.

Personally, if I could go back, I would have offered the solution that my partner could have sex with other people of their sexual desire was that important to them - but this doesn't address that they might want to have sex as an expression of love rather than the typical hormonal urge we are exposed to.

You would have to discuss it with your partner. I know not all people would be comfortable with their partner seeing other people. But for me, my lack of interest in sex means I'm not even likely to be jealous of them doing it with someone else. However it could lead to 'emotional cheating', and I can imagine there might be a lot of problems arising from this... maybe. I haven't actually been in that situation so I may not feel the same.

I think the bottom line is that you need to find your own way of having a relationship. You don't have to be a typical sexual/asexual couple, and you don't have to be totally celibate. You can find a compromise and a middle ground that you are both at least partly happy with. Perhaps your partner could learn to appreciate the physical intimacy that isn't Penis Vagina Intercourse (PVI) (as I would consider touching, kissing and cuddling a form of sex). He could appreciate the closeness that comes from kissing and caressing, and if he needed a sexual relief he could perhaps compromise by doing that bit himself.

This all being said, when I say compromise I do not mean 'have sex sometimes', I do not suggest that you have sex against your will because of pressure, request or guilt from society or your other half. Even if you technically consent to sex, if you don't want to do it, then it is best for you to never do it.

Of course though, you may change your mind in future, but I wouldn't recommend telling your partner this or you might struggle with them getting hopeful and it will put a lot of pressure on you.

If you want to chat further we can PM :-) Happy to chat on here and give more insight and discussion xx

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1) People rarely marry their first partner, so you will most likely break up at some point. That's what you sign up for when entering a relationship; it either lasts or it doesn't.

2) Differences in sexual desire are extremely common and it's the cause of most divorces, yet alone non-married relationships.

Sex is painful? There are a few possible reasons for that. 1) you could have sensative nerve endings in your V, which can't be fixed. 2) you may be clenching your V durring sex. 3) his parts may be too big/yours too small (which can be fixed through surgery), or 4) you may not be secreating enough lubrication and need more foreplay before sex (most females do) or just have him apply lubrication to his parts before having sex.

As for how to fix your relationship, you have a few options. And remember that a relationship is about communication and compromises; not just one person should be doing them but both parties. So you shouldn't feel bad that you can't give him the sex life he wants because BOTH of you will be compromising (excluding the first option that is). 1) have no sex (for some people zero is better than not enough, and this can take time to get used to) 2) he becomes ok with the amount of sex you can comfortably compromise (there are many forms of sex, perhaps you'd be more ok with some form of non-penetrative sex; read wiki's page on it, and there are also sex toys for men) 3) have an open or polyamorous relationship (two different things) or 4) break up. I suggest Stuff Mom Never Told You's youtube video "Don't fear the breakup". And even if you don't watch the whole thing, i also suggest "Break up pain is due to fear", which in my results is right below the previous video. He needs to know about your asexuality, but that may also be a breaking poin as many sexual people desire emotional/sexual reciprocation and don't want compromise sex (at least as an entirety of the relationship).

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