Neck deep in Mud

[Cinnamon Biscuit]

Sorry for the length, I've been mulling over this for awhile. Basically wanting insight for the mess I'm in.

I have a very close friend of 10 years. We started cuddling a few months back. Wanting to be close physically has brought up a lot of questions, which is partly why I looked into asexuality. I've done a lot of reading and research on relationships, marriage, sexuality, sexual development, emotional health, codependency, etc in order to understand myself better and to move in a positive direction. It's also become painfully apparent I have relational intimacy issues. Long explanation short, I keep people at a distance because I grew up around emotionally unhealthy people and abusive relationships. I feel overwhelmingly lost with having an emotionally close and healthy relationship.

I have a long way to go to learn how to have good relationships. I feel like I have no business being in a love relationship right now.

This very close friend knows I'm asexual and sex adverse/repulsed. They have an aro ace friend and they think they might be ace too, so they at least understand a little about asexuality. I've talked a lot about what I've been learning too. After mentioning I was "romantic", they said some things about relationships that really bothered me. I felt like they were pressuring me to be open to relationships and compromise (specifically sexual ones because sexual experience was the topic I brought up). That may have been what they were doing and I was hurt over the next month thinking that. However much later I realized they may have been trying to tell me to not be afraid to try things out, to be open to relationships whether they succeed or fail, and they just happen to be open to any gender as long as they loved that person. That they were giving me an opportunity and the okay to confess any romantic feelings I had for them. Which would confirm my mild suspicion they have been crushing on me for years possibly. However I don't believe I have romantic feelings for them. I don't want to date them, be a couple, or marry them. I just want to be close. I've been a ball of anxiety trying to figure out what to do about this. How do I clear this up and gently turn them down without turning things incredibly awkward or unnecessarily dramatic.

A part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and just indulge in our relationship whatever shape or form that takes. To allow myself to be open to being close. To have the relational freedom to try things out of curiosity. However I value our friendship deeply and wouldn't want to hurt them or lose them. Whether due to a difference in relationship desires/views or because I'm not emotionally healthy/available. I don't want to say "yes" just to try out romance and throw them away when I'm done. They don't deserve that.Yet I just can't see myself wanting anything more than a QPR with them. Frankly I'm happy with the way things are now, simple, fun, and affectionate. Yet like I said... I have intimacy issues. Of course I feel that way.

This is all compounded by the fact that neither of our families would be accepting of our relationship (we're both women). We both currently live with our families too and currently unable to move out.

So the rational side of myself thinks pursuing a non platonic relationship with them is just ill conceived and possibly damaging. Doomed to stressful conflict, emotional turmoil, and hiding. As I get emotionally more healthy, more financially independent, I may find what I want in a partner is different.

Bottom line is, I have no idea how I want to proceed right now. What is the best justice I can do for myself and my friend. Whether to say something or just leave it be. Whether to keep things platonic or move beyond. I can't say, "Just wait for me and we'll be together!" it's more like, "I'm really unsure about everything. I need to grow and change and mature. I love you so much but doubt I desire you romantically. We could try something out later... but can we keep cuddling?" ...which may be a slap in the face even if it's honest. If my friend likes me romantically, I feel like damned if I do, damned if I don't. Even if all I want is friendship, they may just distance themselves from me and I'll lose what I have anyways.

[PhoenixButterfly]

If I'm being honest, it sounds to me like you're just overthinking this. I believe you should be honest about your own thoughts and feelings. Your not a mind-reader, so you don't really know what they think about your relationship. It's best to just be honest and communicate in a tactful way. I mean, for all you know, they might be wondering the exact same thing you are. Maybe they want a QPR with cuddling like you do. Just be as honest as you can. Maybe you could try writing them a letter, so that you can find the right way to say what you feel and think about them and your relationship. Then you can either let them read the letter or you can read it aloud to them.

[GreyWanders]

A person can spend a ridiculous amount of time mulling the "should we romance?" question over - I feel ya - but it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing deal. It may be helpful for you to shift your thinking away from relationship labels for a while and focus on what you want the relationship to look like. You say you want closeness? Great! Do that. You don't want to date them? Cool! Don't do that. Spend some time looking at individual activities and things to custom-build a relationship that works for both of you, and then if you want a word it will be easier to find, because you'll know what it is you're trying to label. There are a lot of really great tools for navigating relationships in this linkspam. This post is also a great resource for helping you figure out what you want. (It's written with the idea that you want sexy/kinky things, but if you don't mind some non-graphic mentions of those activities, the meat of the post applies just as well to platonic relationships.)

Of course, that all work a lot better when you're working together with your person to figure things out. Like, having conversations about your relationship and the things you do together. That doesn't sound like a thing you're doing. In fact, you say you spent a month dwelling on one thing that your person said. Cinnamon Biscuit, I have been there, and let me tell you it is so much better if you go "Hey, you said xyz, which sounds to me like <this hurtful thing>. Is that what you meant?". Either they go "Geez, no, I mean this other thing which is actually totally okay" (this is usually what happens), or they go "I did mean that, I'm sorry" and then you have a chance to talk about why it was hurtful and fix it. It's hard to get good communication rolling (sometimes I still clam up and have to write things down for my partners of several years), but it's so so worth it.

I hear your concerns about your intimacy issues and about losing your friend if things go south. Those are totally legitimate worries. It's scary to change a relationship that's good, and its scary to think that you might ruin things because you don't know how to relationship. All I can say is, sooner or later you sound like you're going to want a close healthy relationship, and that means sooner or later you're going to have to try it out with someone. I can't think of a better person to start with than your wonderful friend of ten years who understands ace things and probably already knows your history and how it affects you today. Learning to relationship can be hard, especially if you haven't had people model healthy relationships in your life. It can be a steep learning curve, but it sounds like you're making good progress on it already (go you!) and have good motivation to continue. Maybe it won't work out and you'll transition back to something more like what you have now, but you will learn from that experience, and at the end of the day, I'm willing to bet that a friendship that solid will make it through.

Bottom line: You should talk to your friend. Tell her how you feel. Tell her what you know you want and what you think you might want and what you definitely don't want. Tell her your worries about the different paths forward. Then listen. And you can decide together what's best for both of you. One reason it's so hard for you to figure out the right thing to do is that you only have half the picture.

Good luck!

[Cinnamon Biscuit]

First of all, thank you two for making an effort just to reply.

I agree, less overthinking and more communication should be happening on my part. I generally express what I want and talk things out. I guess sadly I was caught off guard by her comment. At the time she said it, I did gently ask for clarification saying, "It sounds like you're saying this, but I don't think you are" and even "Do you think I would be unloving/immature to not have sex?", but she repeated herself using the same words. We both agreed we weren't understanding each other and she didn't think she was expressing herself well. She was tired after all so I dropped it for that evening. It still stuck with me though in a painful way. I wanted to look at different views on compromise before addressing the subject again. As I was reading up on that, it dawned on me why she might have said the things she did. I became a deer in headlights and worried about intentions and fallout. I've had friendships that went sour when I tried to sort out problems so I worry about pushing things. Plus I know she struggles with being transparent (she's been deeply hurt). I agree though, I just need to bring it up again and talk it out or write it out. I need not let anything stop me from being upfront. I should at least express how I feel and give her a chance to do the same.

Like, having conversations about your relationship and the things you do together. That doesn't sound like a thing you're doing.

No. We normally don't talk about our relationship. Though that's the usual dynamic of friendship. We have discussed about our wants in romantic relationships in general, but not in regards to what we want from each other. Other than asking for what we or the other wants in the moment and I have asked her if she'd want to live with me when I moved out. If anything, I express more than she does... she just seems to adjust herself to me.

But it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing deal

This hits a nerve. Part of my issue is that an official "romantic relationship" feels too much, too soon, too fast. Since we're already so close, getting into a romantic commitment to me seems like it would be jumping into the deep end. I need time to adjust and I don't even know if I want it. Expectations and relationship needs can be a big deal. As friends I don't have to worry about sex, relatives, introductions, statuses, etc, etc.

I hear your concerns about your intimacy issues and about losing your friend if things go south. Those are totally legitimate worries. It's scary to change a relationship that's good, and its scary to think that you might ruin things because you don't know how to relationship. All I can say is, sooner or later you sound like you're going to want a close healthy relationship, and that means sooner or later you're going to have to try it out with someone. I can't think of a better person to start with than your wonderful friend of ten years who understands ace things and probably already knows your history and how it affects you today. Learning to relationship can be hard, especially if you haven't had people model healthy relationships in your life. It can be a steep learning curve, but it sounds like you're making good progress on it already (go you!) and have good motivation to continue. Maybe it won't work out and you'll transition back to something more like what you have now, but you will learn from that experience, and at the end of the day, I'm willing to bet that a friendship that solid will make it through.

Thank you for this encouragement. What you mentioned is the reason why I would even consider a romantic relationship with her.