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starry-night-sky

Questions for sexuals

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HighDrive

I guess this technically makes me polyamorous.

of course you are. Monogamy is just a social agreement. A custo. And a learned behaviour. Biologically we are poly. We can feel attraction (wether sexual or otherwise) to multiple people. And we know love doesn't divide but multiplies. Of course in monogamous situations we channel it as friendship or block it.

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Philip027
of course you are. Monogamy is just a social agreement. A custo. And a learned behaviour. Biologically we are poly. We can feel attraction (wether sexual or otherwise) to multiple people. And we know love doesn't divide but multiplies. Of course in monogamous situations we channel it as friendship or block it.

Well, some people really are monoamorous, they really can't feel that sort of emotion toward others more than one person at a time, so I would never write that off as a sort of "of course" thing.

"Biologically" we're also all sexual, too, but since you're here I assume you must know that isn't the case for everyone

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Rising Sun

@ HighDrive : One thing that characterizes monogamy is that if you're in love with someone, all potential of feelings you might have for others shut down, until / unless if you fall out of love.
This isn't repression, it's something natural. Some human beings are monogamous, some others are polyamorous, to various degrees. There's always variation inside one species.
Monogamy and polyamory are largely controlled by genetics in animals. It's true that many people are forced to monogamy, and I tend to believe that polyamory is more common, but there are naturally monogamous people. We're all different.

Pair bonding

The prairie vole is special for having pair bonding with its partner. The male prairie vole has a continuous contact with its female, which lasts for all of their lives. If the female prairie vole dies, the male does not look for a new partner. Moreover, this constant relationship is more social than sexual. For this pair bonding to take place, the male must stay one day with the female after they breed. Other species, such as the montane vole, do not show this pair bonding behavior.

Biological factors

This uniqueness in the prairie vole behavior is related to the oxytocin and vasopressin hormones. The oxytocin receptors of the female prairie vole brain are located more densely in the reward system, and have more receptors than other species, which causes a sort of an 'addiction' to the social behavior. In the male prairie vole, the gene for the vasopressin receptor has a longer segment, as opposed to the montane vole, which has a smaller segment. This segment is longer in other bonding animals (such as humans[citation needed]), and shorter in other nonbonding animals (such as chimpanzees).


Source https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prairie_vole

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Tarfeather

I find this sort of thing strange (to me; not as an affront to you or anything). I may not experience sexual attraction but I do have attraction in other forms... and I can safely say that the knowledge that someone is out of my reach (whether it be due to lack of reciprocation, outright rejection, incompatible orientations, or whatever) has never had any effect on my attraction toward them. Really, about the only way for me to stop feeling toward somebody is if they turn into a total douchebag or something, which has never happened, because I'd like to think I can pick 'em carefully.

In some weird sense, I guess this technically makes me polyamorous, even though I still feel like I'm monogamous in practice. But yeah, it's always been strange to me how people's feelings just seem to fizzle out either without reciprocation, or without the possibility (however remote) of reciprocation. I try to imagine what that's like, and it feels like it'd be sort of... emotionally tumultuous.

My feelings don't fizzle out, either. Like, I can literally not have even seen this person for 5 years, and I will still have feelings for her and be emotionally distraught over it. To be honest, I think it's horrible and I'd much rather be one of the people who stop having feelings when they see they have no chance.

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MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD

I'm sorry for bothering you but there are some questions I really wonder. I hope they're not too personal and it's okay to ask them here but I I'd really appreciate some replies.

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone?

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to?

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person?

1. you feel it around your genitals and maybe in you're mind.

2. biology???

3. this will vary from person to person. you cannot generalize this.

4. not particularly often. this also depends on the person.

5. probably

6. yes. it comes with the gig

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FictoVore.

I guess this technically makes me polyamorous.

of course you are. Monogamy is just a social agreement. A custo. And a learned behaviour. Biologically we are poly. We can feel attraction (wether sexual or otherwise) to multiple people. And we know love doesn't divide but multiplies. Of course in monogamous situations we channel it as friendship or block it.

Just to echo others what others have said, monogamy just comes naturally to some (many) people. Some people naturally only desire romance and/or intimacy with one partner at a time (for a long period of time) and just don't have the innate capacity to experience those feelings and/or desires for others while emotionally/intimately bonded to that one person.

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HighDrive

Well, some people really are monoamorous, they really can't feel that sort of emotion toward others more than one person at a time, so I would never write that off as a sort of "of course" thing.

"Biologically" we're also all sexual, too, but since you're here I assume you must know that isn't the case for everyone

ding! Terrible mistake on my part. I agree the "of course" was wrong.

Broad generalizations are usually wrong. I have more thoughts on the topic but the foot in my mouth will allow me to read all the replicas to my post and learn my lesson.

Thanks for the strong reaction (embarased)

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Philip027

It's not a problem, I just know that sort of thing is the case for many others; my partner is one of them. We've talked about it before and although she doesn't seem to have these sorts of feelings often (rarer than even me, I think, and I thought for me it already happened pretty rarely), she does think that now that she's together with me, she is actually incapable of potentially feeling this way toward anyone else... whereas with me, it's hard to make such a claim, considering that I've had past crushes/partners and how I've felt about them has never changed. I think it's actually one of our biggest differences, in terms of how we "process" emotions and love :P

But since she's very understanding of me and I am very upfront about this sort of thing, it's not something that I feel like it would be a problem between us... whereas I feel like to many other people in the world, it very well COULD be a problem.

My feelings don't fizzle out, either. Like, I can literally not have even seen this person for 5 years, and I will still have feelings for her and be emotionally distraught over it. To be honest, I think it's horrible and I'd much rather be one of the people who stop having feelings when they see they have no chance.

I have never stopped loving the people that I've loved before. But for whatever reason, it never tears me up to think back on those people and about how things ended (or how they never began). The only time I've ever felt anything resembling being "torn up inside" was when I realized I had feelings for these people and that I wanted to confess to these people but was afraid of... well, afflicting myself upon them, for lack of a more appropriate word.

But because I'm the very honest sort that never wants to conceal anything from the people they consider close friends (which all of my past crushes/partners have fallen under), that internal conflict never lasted for long because I would always be driven to confess sooner or later. Even if I knew it had zero chance of being returned (and even when I was proven right), I always felt better afterward, and it never stopped how I felt about them.

Reciprocation just really isn't a big deal to me. I don't know if it has to do with low self-esteem or my depression or what, but that's just always been how I was ever since I first started to feel romantically toward people at the age of 17. Honesty, on the other hand, if you couldn't tell already... very huge deal for me. I feel like if I am comfortable enough with someone to always want them to know how I truly am and how I truly feel... that's more than enough. That's all that I've really desired, to have people in my life that I can be like that with. And those people don't have to be in a mutual romantic partnership with me. In fact, usually they haven't been. I feel like this is probably a big contributor to why I've never really had a strong drive to pursue romantic partnerships in general.

Anyway... I should probably stop using this thread to babble about myself >_>

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Geo

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone?

I just know. It's like saying how do you know something is blue when you look at it.

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

Lots of factors. But looks and personality primarily.

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

No. Attraction is attraction. There aren't really different kinds like this. If I find someone attractive I want to do all kinds of stuff with them.

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to?

Rarely. I find maybe 1 or 2 percent of the females I encounter attractive.

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

Nope. In fact attraction has little to do with arousal. I've never been aroused by a persons attractiveness alone. Sexual acts, viewing them, imagining them, doing them are what arouse me, even if they involve people I don't find attractive.

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person?

No. Again attraction is attraction. There may be people I find attractive based on A, B and C qualities, but I know they would make bad relationship partners because of X, Y and Z qualities, so I wouldn't pursue a relationship with them, but I could still think sex would be fun with them.

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humantoafault

@ HighDrive : One thing that characterizes monogamy is that if you're in love with someone, all potential of feelings you might have for others shut down, until / unless if you fall out of love.

This isn't repression, it's something natural. Some human beings are monogamous, some others are polyamorous, to various degrees. There's always variation inside one species.

Monogamy and polyamory are largely controlled by genetics in animals. It's true that many people are forced to monogamy, and I tend to believe that polyamory is more common, but there are naturally monogamous people. We're all different.

Pair bonding

The prairie vole is special for having pair bonding with its partner. The male prairie vole has a continuous contact with its female, which lasts for all of their lives. If the female prairie vole dies, the male does not look for a new partner. Moreover, this constant relationship is more social than sexual. For this pair bonding to take place, the male must stay one day with the female after they breed. Other species, such as the montane vole, do not show this pair bonding behavior.

Biological factors

This uniqueness in the prairie vole behavior is related to the oxytocin and vasopressin hormones. The oxytocin receptors of the female prairie vole brain are located more densely in the reward system, and have more receptors than other species, which causes a sort of an 'addiction' to the social behavior. In the male prairie vole, the gene for the vasopressin receptor has a longer segment, as opposed to the montane vole, which has a smaller segment. This segment is longer in other bonding animals (such as humans[citation needed]), and shorter in other nonbonding animals (such as chimpanzees).

Source https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prairie_vole

Huh. Super interesting.

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Linh Cinder

What is a "libido"? I Googled it, but I'm still not sure. It sounds similar to a sex drive, but I've heard that some asexuals have a libido.

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AshenPhoenix

A libido is a sex drive, Linh. Some asexuals do have a sex drive, but sex drive isn't really equated to sexual attraction. The best analogy I've always had for it is basically: Sex drive is like a rocket, sexuals have coordinates and the rocket knows where it wants to go, asexuals sex drive doesn't really have any particular destination.

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Graceful
18 hours ago, AshenPhoenix said:

A libido is a sex drive, Linh. Some asexuals do have a sex drive, but sex drive isn't really equated to sexual attraction. The best analogy I've always had for it is basically: Sex drive is like a rocket, sexuals have coordinates and the rocket knows where it wants to go, asexuals sex drive doesn't really have any particular destination.

 

... me gusta

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ace_friend_ally
On 5/12/2016 at 5:23 PM, starry-night-sky said:

I'm sorry for bothering you but there are some questions I really wonder. I hope they're not too personal and it's okay to ask them here but I I'd really appreciate some replies.

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone?

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to?

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person?

 

No bother!

 

1. There is a difficult to describe physiological reaction. Increased heart-rate. I literally feel it physically. Skin gets sensitive too. But not in the sense of arousal necessarily. That's different. Sexual attraction doesn't equal arousal.

 

2. It can be set off by any number of things. Sheer physical beauty. Intellect. Charm. Personality. Most often a combination of those attributes.

 

3. Cuddle yes, but kissing for me is pretty closely tied to sexual attraction. But I can cuddle anybody as long as I am comfortable with them and trust them.

 

4. It's fairly rare for me. But I am extremely introverted and I work from home so I don't go out much. I'd say maybe one out of every twenty people I meet and interact with I find sexually attractive. 

 

5. TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Harassment/Assault:

Spoiler

 In my experience as a man I can become aroused by sensation even actively against my will. I've had girls I had no interest in sexually grab my crotch and... well. It responds. Let's them justify their harassment too. "See, you do want it..."

 

 

6. Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are often but not always linked in my experience.

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SlytherClaw23
On 5/12/2016 at 4:23 PM, starry-night-sky said:

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone?

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to?

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person

 

1. Sometimes it's subtle, and I can't explain it. Sometimes it's a tingly feeling in my naughty bits.

 

2. Physically, I like cute butts, and a devilish look. I'm a cubby gal, so this is a bit hypocritical - I generally like skinny gals & chubby guys. Mostly, it's personality - high intelligence, a sharp wit, and sense of humour like mine are what really attract me to someone. 

 

3. Oh heck yeah. I'm a "cuddle slut." I love hugs, shoulder rubs, and big ol' puppy piles with friends. It's completely non-sexual for me though. 

 

4. In my current relationship, not often. I've started to work see the if I'm situationally demisexual. In the past - all the damn time (especially while I was dating someone in the BDSM community).

 

5. [Deleted]

 

6. Oh yeah. Geek is chic, and smart is sexy. Rawr. 

Edited by SlytherClaw23
Deleted answer 5 'cause I don't know how to add trigger warning on mobile.

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gaogao

Late response but I asked my bi girlfriend these questions and we had a short discussion. She said she found it super interesting because she has never really thought about it and was amused that there was so much debate. I'm not sure how clear these are since we were talking in a conversation and it meandered a little but hey i'll report back.

 

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone? 

She said she usually "just knows". I probed her a bit more and she said it's like the way one thinks something is aesthetically pleasing but with a little extra. I asked what she meant by extra, and she said it was like a sort of 'curiosity' but not actually something one would act upon. She also added that there are different criteria for people to find certain things aesthetically attractive - like the way people find cute cats attractive is different from the way they find caravaggio's artwork attractive - sexual attraction is like another sort of aesthetic attraction to her that has that extra "curiosity" attached. 

 

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

She said if we were being shallow, there are certain aesthetic characteristics she finds attractive (i.e. broad shoulders on men, good hip/waist ratio on women, accentuated collarbones), but that sort of physical attraction would never be enough for her to act upon or think further about, apart from acknowledging that the person is sexually attractive to her. 

 

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

Her answer to this was "Kaji Yuki:D

After a little probing she said she mostly just wants to squeeze his cheeks and be affectionate with him the way a grandmother would. I asked her if this was similar to the concept of "moe" in anime culture, and she said she wouldn't use that word - she said that while it's popular for it to have that sort of non-sexual meaning now, it feels like denial because she believes it derives from the way she & her friends used the word "moe" in her high school in kansai which does actually have sexual connotations. (context: gf speaks the kansai dialect and we are gigantic anime geeks)

 

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to? 

She said this is very hard to quantify. It depends both on how many people she sees (i.e. how often she goes out), as well as luck. It's like asking "how often do you see a particularly cute dog when you go out walking".

 

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

She said she's never had experience being aroused by anyone she's not attracted to because she's never had cause or opportunity to find out, but she doesn't see why it's not possible. Arousal is different from sexual attraction, as it's a physiological reaction. She also added that when she reads porn or erotica she can become aroused, even if it's about characters that aren't necessarily that sexually attractive to her - it depends on the situation and the writing. Just like writing can make her cry, she's not actually sad about anything real, she's just reacting to the right words in the right order. 

 

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person?

She said for her they are linked, but she wouldn't use the word automatic. If romantic attraction comes first, sexual attraction is very likely to develop slowly, but not immediately or automatically - that comes later with time. Also, even though she can find people attractive sexually without knowing them, this is very shallow attraction; she needs to get to know them to develop romantic attraction - and unless romantic attraction is a factor (which leads to deeper sexual attraction later on) she is very unlikely to react to or act upon any sexual feelings towards another person. 

 

aaand that's it -- or at least, that's my understanding of her answers based on our discussion. I hope it's useful to some people...

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Star Bit
On 3/19/2017 at 2:39 PM, AshenPhoenix said:

A libido is a sex drive, Linh. Some asexuals do have a sex drive, but sex drive isn't really equated to sexual attraction. The best analogy I've always had for it is basically: Sex drive is like a rocket, sexuals have coordinates and the rocket knows where it wants to go, asexuals sex drive doesn't really have any particular destination.

Actually on AVEN they're used as two different things because there's no word that just refers to a desire for masturbation, and using a dual meaning word can cause problems. Sex-drive also explicitly refers to sex; which asexuals can't desire; which can cause misconceptions. So libido is used to refer to a desire to masturbate and sex-drive is used to refer to a desire for sex. Also, the two terms actually do mean two different things (well, they're half synonyms). Sex-drive was created first and referred to only a desire for sex. (Searching for the creator's name in reference to sex-drive is surprisingly hard to find, but it's the creator of Drive Theory, and the term was never called sexual-drive.) But when Sigmund Frauid heard of it he noticed it didn't refer to masturbation so he created his own term that refered to both; libido.

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FictoVore.
On 08/04/2017 at 11:03 AM, gaogao said:

Late response but I asked my bi girlfriend these questions and we had a short discussion. She said she found it super interesting because she has never really thought about it and was amused that there was so much debate. I'm not sure how clear these are since we were talking in a conversation and it meandered a little but hey i'll report back.

 

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone? 

She said she usually "just knows". I probed her a bit more and she said it's like the way one thinks something is aesthetically pleasing but with a little extra. I asked what she meant by extra, and she said it was like a sort of 'curiosity' but not actually something one would act upon. She also added that there are different criteria for people to find certain things aesthetically attractive - like the way people find cute cats attractive is different from the way they find caravaggio's artwork attractive - sexual attraction is like another sort of aesthetic attraction to her that has that extra "curiosity" attached. 

 

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

She said if we were being shallow, there are certain aesthetic characteristics she finds attractive (i.e. broad shoulders on men, good hip/waist ratio on women, accentuated collarbones), but that sort of physical attraction would never be enough for her to act upon or think further about, apart from acknowledging that the person is sexually attractive to her. 

 

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

Her answer to this was "Kaji Yuki:D

After a little probing she said she mostly just wants to squeeze his cheeks and be affectionate with him the way a grandmother would. I asked her if this was similar to the concept of "moe" in anime culture, and she said she wouldn't use that word - she said that while it's popular for it to have that sort of non-sexual meaning now, it feels like denial because she believes it derives from the way she & her friends used the word "moe" in her high school in kansai which does actually have sexual connotations. (context: gf speaks the kansai dialect and we are gigantic anime geeks)

 

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to? 

She said this is very hard to quantify. It depends both on how many people she sees (i.e. how often she goes out), as well as luck. It's like asking "how often do you see a particularly cute dog when you go out walking".

 

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

She said she's never had experience being aroused by anyone she's not attracted to because she's never had cause or opportunity to find out, but she doesn't see why it's not possible. Arousal is different from sexual attraction, as it's a physiological reaction. She also added that when she reads porn or erotica she can become aroused, even if it's about characters that aren't necessarily that sexually attractive to her - it depends on the situation and the writing. Just like writing can make her cry, she's not actually sad about anything real, she's just reacting to the right words in the right order. 

 

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person?

She said for her they are linked, but she wouldn't use the word automatic. If romantic attraction comes first, sexual attraction is very likely to develop slowly, but not immediately or automatically - that comes later with time. Also, even though she can find people attractive sexually without knowing them, this is very shallow attraction; she needs to get to know them to develop romantic attraction - and unless romantic attraction is a factor (which leads to deeper sexual attraction later on) she is very unlikely to react to or act upon any sexual feelings towards another person. 

 

aaand that's it -- or at least, that's my understanding of her answers based on our discussion. I hope it's useful to some people...

Those were actually really good answers. I wish more people on AVEN could see answers from sexuals who experience their sexuality like this lady does, not just the "I see a hot person I want to bang them" which is how many aces here (mistakenly) think all sexuals function. Also her description of sexual attraction as aesthetically attractive with a little added curiosity. I know many asexuals can relate to feeling this exact same way, which is just another reason why AVEN needs to drop the sexual attraction definition. It's about whether or not someone has a desire to connect sexually with others and that's really all there is to it. People like your friend prove that asexuals and sexuals can feel pretty much exactly the same ways when it comes to how they view people they find attractive.

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FictoVore.
On 20/03/2017 at 8:18 AM, Linh Cinder said:

What is a "libido"? I Googled it, but I'm still not sure. It sounds similar to a sex drive, but I've heard that some asexuals have a libido.

Libido is if you get aroused and masturbate etc. Sex drive is a desire to actually have sex with other people. For most sexual people libido and sex drive are intrinsically linked (which is why many sexuals argue that libido and sex drive are the same thing and that it's impossible to have a liblido but not want sex with other people, and why Google search results will usually say they're the same) but asexuals can have a healthy libido without having any desire to actually have sex with anyone, ever. Asexuals lack that innate drive to connect sexually with others for pleasure.

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gaogao
On 4/16/2017 at 4:34 AM, Pan. said:

Those were actually really good answers. I wish more people on AVEN could see answers from sexuals who experience their sexuality like this lady does, not just the "I see a hot person I want to bang them" which is how many aces here (mistakenly) think all sexuals function. Also her description of sexual attraction as aesthetically attractive with a little added curiosity. I know many asexuals can relate to feeling this exact same way, which is just another reason why AVEN needs to drop the sexual attraction definition. It's about whether or not someone has a desire to connect sexually with others and that's really all there is to it. People like your friend prove that asexuals and sexuals can feel pretty much exactly the same ways when it comes to how they view people they find attractive.

Thanks! I thought I'd share her answers specifically because I think it's a pretty common way of experiencing sexuality and yet I rarely hear of it. 

 

I was of the impression that sexual attraction was a lot more like "hot person wanna bang" until I started talking about it with her and trying to figure out what the compatibility issues were between us, as she's my partner -- and you are correct. Most of our issues aren't because she looks at people (or me) and wants to bang, it's because she wants that connection with me that I absolutely do not understand or experience. 

 

Idk if it's the case for other mixed relationships, but that is definitely the core issue with us.

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GLRDT
On 5/12/2016 at 5:28 PM, darknova42 said:

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone? It might not be a good metaphor, but I notice whether or not I'm spontaneously aroused by seeing someone that I find attractive, almost like how you'll notice you're salivating when you smell something delicious. I use that as an example because they're both physiological responses to stimuli.

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone? Not any one thing. Its not the same for every person who feels sexual attraction and the reasons I could be attracted to one person might not be the same as the basis of my attraction to someone else. Without knowing them then personally the attraction tends to be for physical reasons. They've got attributes that arouse me. I might not find someone particularly sexually attractive at first, but then when I get to know them if our personalities click then it can become more intense. Like your perspective shifts and suddenly it seems like there are all these things you can't believe you didn't notice up until then a kind of "Omg, were they always this cute?"

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them? No. The opposite can happen though. Plenty of people have one-night-stands. That's more about satisfying a craving. Usually you don't ask for a cuddle afterwards. There could be someone I have intense romantic feelings for that make me want to spend time appreciating my time with them. It's just that sex is more a long the lines of a different way of showing that same appreciation(at least for me).

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to? All the time. It can be something along the lines of how much you want to have sex with them. It varies. Someone can be more willing to get into bed with one person rather than another. It can also be dependent upon how horny you are/how much you want sex.

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to? I'm hetero, as in attracted to women, and I can be aroused by gay porn. That can be more along the lines of a sympathetic response, I see them having sex and that's arousing. Also, arousal can be a physiological response. For instance if I'm being sexually stimulated, I'll be aroused by *that* even if the person isn't particularly attractive. Someone might not be particularly attractive, but if they're doing something sexual, then I might be aroused. If they were just standing there, then no, probably not.

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person? I don't know if its 'automatic'. I mentioned before though that romantic attraction can, for me, cause me to notice things about someone I haven't seen before. Probably because I'm paying closer attention and notice small details. For me romantic attraction can develop into sexual attraction maybe almost at the same time or close to it.

Sexual fantasies of mine generally revolve around how my partner is responding to what we're doing. Whether or not they're "having a good time". If I'm sexually attracted to someone then having those kind of thoughts about them, what they'd look like and the noises they'd make, just kind of happens.

Super helpful point of view. Thanks for sharing. I'm gray asexual and I wish it was that easy for me to feel sexual attraction. I accept that I'm the way I am, but it would be easier and I think more fun if I operated the way you described.

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GLRDT
On 5/13/2016 at 5:28 AM, Telecaster68 said:
1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone?

 

 

 

 

I don't register 'knowing' I'm attracted to them. I experience being attracted to them. It's not like I'm outside, analysing my own experiences.

 

Ha ha. I'm a little jealous. I'm gray asexual and I always have to analyze if I'm feeling sexual attraction or not. It seems silly to think that's something that has been difficult for me to figure out or something I even have to figure out and it's broken up so many relationships. It's cool to hear your perspective and I'm glad for you!

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GLRDT
On 5/13/2016 at 7:58 PM, katydidd said:

For years I thought that the ability to tolerate sexual activity was sexual attraction,

Yes! I still sort of feel this way. It's super confusing.

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IntellectualAsexual

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone?

           They are aesthetically pleasing to behold.

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

           Aesthetically pleasant.

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

          No, because I wouldn't want sex or cuddling or kissing either.

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to?

          Not often, most people are repulsive to me as human being much more so as sex partners.

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

           I can get aroused by anything, not just people but objects and stuff, but I wouldn't enjoy it. I can make myself do what I have to do to survive in this world.

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person?

            I think it's the same thing. But I would never want it reciprocated anyway, would only breed to begot children, and wed to have someone to support and upkeep me.

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Buddha87

I realize this is an older thread that may have run its course already, but I'm new here and wanted to give it a try. I identify as bisexual, although I experience attraction differently for men and women. My attraction to men is emotional, romantic, physical and sexual (the whole package), and there is a wide range of different types of men that I'm attracted to...old and young; short and tall; big and small; etc. I generally find men attractive on a physical level and often notice things like well-rounded behinds, hairy bodies, deep voices, handsome faces and a plethora of other visual aesthetic cues, including kind personalities, authoritative personalities, intelligence, sense of humor, success. I can be attracted to men for so many reasons and generally expect to see men that I'm attracted to every day. It's certainly not unusual.

 

My attraction to women, on the other hand, is very different. With women I use terms like demisexual, biromantic, grayace, and, generally speaking, only experience romantic or sexual attraction for a female once a strong emotional bond has been formed. And even though I've experienced sexual and romantic relationships with both men and women over the years, my attraction to men is generally the rule of thumb, whereas my attraction to females is the exception to that rule. I leave the house every morning expecting to encounter men that I find attractive, and when I watch porn, it's most likely gay porn. My sexual fantasies during masturbation usually always involve men. My attractions to women usually sneak up on me. One minute I'm hanging out with some female friend and I suddenly start stammering over my words and being all awkward, and it's then I realize I've entered "The Attraction Zone."

 

And what I think about with men and women is different as well. When I'm attracted to a man, it starts as a physical attraction and I imagine what it would be like to have sex with him or what he might look like naked. When I'm attracted to a woman, it starts as an emotional and romantic attraction and I experience a desire to hold her hand, cuddle or spoon, and imagine what it might be like to kiss her. When I'm attracted to a man, my first reaction is to want to tear his clothes off and go at it. When I'm attracted to a woman, I feel romantic and want to take her out on a date, open doors for her, pull out her chair and talk for hours over a glass of wine as we divulge secrets and desires. Men make me feel submissive and receptive, and it's not unusual for me to have meaningless sex first and then to think about a date or getting to know him later. That would never happen with a female. I would never find myself having meaningless sex with a woman I barely knew, because I never experience attraction to a woman unless there's already a strong emotional bond already established.

 

And it's because of these distinct differences that I tend not to engage in sex with women very often. I feel as though men are the entire package for me, and I could easily fall in love with a man and be in a relationship with him for the rest of my life and never date another woman. However, women are the romantic and emotional package for me, but it always feels like making the choice to be with a woman suddenly cuts of my access to men, which I need sexually. A woman could never fully satisfy me sexually. And as I look back over my life experiences, I realize that, although I've had way more sex with way more men, I've actually had more dates and more emotional/romantic entanglements with women. It's very easy for me to open up to a woman and to become romantically interested. I feel most comfortable and relaxed in relationships with women. But I'm mostly sexually attracted to men. I suppose my ideal situation would either be a romantic relationship with a woman and to be able to seek out sex with men on the side, or a polyamorous triad with both a man and a woman at the same time. But both of those scenarios seem difficult to find.

 

And then there are those people who identify as trans or who don't necessarily fit the traditional gender binary but fall elsewhere on the spectrum. I often find them attractive as well. I certainly don't fetishize trans people, but I have to admit that a trans man or a trans woman is appealing to me as a bisexual man who experiences attraction to more than one sex and/or gender. And my attraction to non binary people has helped me to better understand my strong sexual attraction to masculinity as opposed to femininity. I am physically and sexually attracted to masculinity regardless of what I find once I unwrap the package. I often develop crushes on masculine spectrum females that feel more like crushes I experience for men. So I realize that, on some level, I'm really physically and sexually attracted to masculinity regardless of whether it's male or female masculinity, and that I probably find myself more attracted to men and associate penis with masculinity because that's the general rule, right? And my attraction to femininity evokes more emotional, romantic, chivalrous, sensual but not necessarily sexual desire. But that line of thinking causes me to wade into a deep pool of unexplored territory that I don't necessarily have all the answers to all the questions. Whereas it's easier to understand my bisexuality in terms of traditional gender roles, trans identities and non binary people and concepts like gender expressions and masculine and feminine spectrums cause me to question everything that I think I know. LOL

 

And in terms of how I know that I'm experiencing attraction, even though I experience attraction very differently for men and women, and even though I experience romantic and sexual attraction separately, I know that I'm experiencing attraction when I experience the side effects of cortisol being released in my brain. It's the butterflies in the stomach, that giddy feeling of happiness and euphoria, a strong desire to be around that person more, the nervous stumbling over words and the awkward feeling of not wanting to say or do the wrong thing, a strong desire for that person to like/want/desire me.

 

I'm not sure I added anything new to the conversation here, but perhaps that helps. I'm open to any questions. :) This is an amazing thread and an amazing site. I have to say that I've struggled to understand and to come to terms with my bisexuality over the years, and it's only after I discovered the asexual community and this site that I came across the language and the concepts that helped me to better understand and accept my attraction to females. I always felt somehow broken or confused before. Now I have concepts like demisexual, grayace, lithoromantic and biromantic. Now I know the difference between sexual and romantic orientations and the difference between sensual and sexual attraction. I realize that I can be romantically and sexually attracted to males but mostly only romantically and emotionally attracted to females. I now know that it's perfectly normal to be attracted to females and to desire sensual intimacy with them without necessarily wanting to engage in sexual activity. Even though I'm not an asexual myself, this community has empowered me to better understand my own bisexuality, and for that I'm grateful.

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IntellectualAsexual

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone?

                    I think this could be different for each animal/plant. I guess plants are wind or insect pollinated, so I wonder what they desire? So some species on life may not choose. I                    don't know how they choose. I guess to a drone, then an abnormally large bee is great stuff. Some forms of life are both haploid and diploid, which means they reproduce                    asexually one generation and then sexually the next. Some plants have both male and female parts (they are called complete) whereas others are pistillate (female, have                    only pistils), or staminate (male with only stamens). Humans could have different desires, too I guess. If you look on google, they have lots of different fetishes, and some                    might enjoy beastiality, whereas others would not go there. Also some might be gay or bisexual like the complete plants or some may be asexual. So I guess attraction is                      relative to an individual's preferences. I think that is what drives evolution, sexual selection, and individual preference. Like if a trait or characteristic such as long tails are                      selected over the generations, then the monkey might become a long tailed species, and another line might evolve into a short tailed species. Some species of primates                      are monogamous, whereas others are promiscuous. 

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

                  The above...it could anything for different individuals. I guess to a female praying mantis it would be a headless mate whose head they just ate. Now if that's not sexy, I                         don't know what is. To a haploid/diploid individual...it just depends on the year. To a plant...its opposite parts, or maybe a bumblebee with a stamen stuck to its legs.

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

                  I guess in the animal world they cuddle sometimes. There are videos on youtube where the bonobos cuddle whilst mating. Some just stick their gene inserter into the gene                   receiver and walla you have young.

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to?

                  I guess for a tree, sitting in one place all the time, they might have to be neighbors, or they just receive any pollen blowing around in the air.

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

                  I guess that's mostly true. Why would a peacock be aroused at a deer? If it were sexually attracted to it, I fear the offspring would be teased, and have a hard time of life.

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person?

                  I don't know if there is all that much romance in the animal world, but maybe the pistil is like ooo that stamen sure is dreamy I wish it would blow my way!

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osm70
On 12. 5. 2016 at 11:23 PM, starry-night-sky said:

I'm sorry for bothering you but there are some questions I really wonder. I hope they're not too personal and it's okay to ask them here but I I'd really appreciate some replies.

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone?

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to?

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person?

1. No idea... I just do.

 

2. I don't know.

 

3. Nope

 

4. Happened only once

 

5. Probably? No one else has ever aroused me.

 

6. I was romantically attracted only one time and I was automatically sexually attracted to that person.

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Lara Black
On 13.05.2016 at 0:23 AM, starry-night-sky said:

I'm sorry for bothering you but there are some questions I really wonder. I hope they're not too personal and it's okay to ask them here but I I'd really appreciate some replies.

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone?

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone?

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them?

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to?

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to?

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person?

1. It’s just a feeling. Same as I don’t have a “What’s that?” question about hunger or fatigue, when I get attracted to someone, I don’t have any problems identifying it.

2. I do have a type. When people fall into it one way or the other, it kind of clicks. It can be something they say, the way the look, act etc.

3. No.

4. To my SO or other people? I get sort of attracted to different people few times a year, maybe, but to my partner - several times a week... or a day.)

5. Who knows? I’ve never let anyone I’m not attracted towards to try and arouse me.

6. Yes. For me it’s very easy to track – I might think this person is nothing special in the looks department, but when I get a crush on this person, I immediately get sexually attracted to them.

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ohmygosh

For me, it sometimes starts with admiration.  Like I think highly of the person. Then touching and exploring the person.  If they're curious to touch and explore you back, it can be fun and enjoyable.  There was one guy who I could not help but want to jump his bones.  But that is really rare for me, so I still remember this guy.  I think that case was chemical, like I could smell his hormones like a wild animal would mate, lol!  He was just a regular guy, but that happens every so often to people too.  

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MarmadukeMcFluffy

1. How do you know you're sexually attracted to someone? I just... want to have sex with them. The difference between wanting someone sexually and not wanting someone sexually is just... obvious to me.  A lot of the time it comes along with physical arousal, but sometimes it is just mental and the physical arousal waits in the wings until a more appropriate moment.

2. What makes you sexually attracted to someone? I experience sexual attraction in two ways. Firstly there is responsive sexual attraction to casual partners/one night stands. In these cases sexual attraction follows arousal. It really doesn't have much to do with the person other than their sexual behaviour, I don't care what they look like or anything like that, they are just the person I am currently canoodling with and thus they are the person my arousal is inspired by and so I want to have sex with them. Secondly there is sexual attraction which is connected to my emotions. When I care for someone romantically I become sexually attracted to them. In this case sexual attraction precedes arousal, the opposite to when there are no emotions involved.

3. Are there people you're sensually attracted to (you want to cuddle with them, kiss them etc.) but you're not sexually attracted to them? No, I can want to have sex with people but not want to cuddle etc. with them, but I have never wanted to cuddle or kiss someone I wasn't sexually attracted to. Although it may be more accurate to say that I don't experience 'sensual attraction' to people I'm not romantically attracted to, and sexual attraction comes along with that.

4. How often do you meet people you're sexually attracted to? Well, as described above I don't really just meet people I am sexually attracted to, but I do have the potential to be sexually attracted to most of the people I meet.

5. Are you only able to be aroused by people you're sexually attracted to? Haha no, I can get turned on by watching a couple of monkeys going at it on a nature show, but I'm certainly not attracted to monkeys. I can be aroused by all sorts of things... or nothing at all.

6. When you're romantically attracted to someone are you automatically sexually attracted to that person? As i said above, sexual attraction is deeply connected to romantic attraction for me, so yes.

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