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Using sex as a distraction?


Fire & Rain

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Fire & Rain

I want to know what sexuals think of this. I'll keep it short. Lately, I've been finding myself getting angry and frustrated but not with my partner. If it was only to distract myself, mastubation is the way to go but my partner wants to know what's wrong. I'm the kind who gets really heated when I'm in the moment and having to explain myself why. My partner is the problem solver type and that means I also need to distract them. So to distract both of us I use sex. Do you think it's a good idea or moral?

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If there's a problem you really should be talking about it. Good luck :)

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Fire & Rain

If there's a problem you really should be talking about it. Good luck :)

I don't want to talk about when I'm angry. I do it after I have calmed down a bit because talking about it when it's still fresh makes me even angrier. In the meantime, we both need a distraction.

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binary suns

I don't have a comment on the morality of the decision you are proposing. I don't really have an oppinion, it's something I've done, and at least one of the times it actually hurt me but I don't know how often I did it and don't have any sense of if it was healthy or not, nor if it was moral or not.

I have a thought that you might find helpful in a different way. talking with your partner at a point you feel comfortable doing so about how you like to deal with your anger in general might be helpful. Talking to him about how you aren't the kind of person to problem solve and letting him know sometimes you're too heated in the moment to want to talk about it might be something that pays off for you. If he understands that he like to problem solve but you don't, it might let try to figure out when to give you space, and it might let you trust him in situations like when you want to distract yourself.

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binary suns

we both need a distraction.

perhaps I misunderstood, but is this known? do you want to distract him, or does he want a distraction?

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It seems better to just deal with the issue than have sex, imo :o ..Though being asexual, anything seems like a better alternative than having sex (to me) so I'm probably not the best person to ask :lol:

I don't really understand why an ace would turn to sex as a distraction (for themselves) though, to be honest.. when there are so many other things you could do? like ''hey let's go out for a picnic'' or something?

I do know it's relatively common for some sexual people to use sex as a distraction though. It feels good and it can take your mind away from things for a while. Just as an ace, I'd rather game with my partner or cook or something, as opposed to actively choosing to have sex of my own volition, to distract myself from something.

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I see no moral issue with it at all. Sexuals have sex as a distraction, out of boredom, etc, all the time. If you're in a sexual relationship, wanting to have sex is wanting to have sex, whether or not it's because "omg I just love you so much". That said, if you're having sex just to stop your partner from harassing you with questions while you're quietly stewing, you guys should really talk about solutions to that issue. If you don't want to talk about something until you've calmed down and your partner won't accept that, you've got a big problem imo.

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Fire & Rain

I don't have a comment on the morality of the decision you are proposing. I don't really have an oppinion, it's something I've done, and at least one of the times it actually hurt me but I don't know how often I did it and don't have any sense of if it was healthy or not, nor if it was moral or not.

I have a thought that you might find helpful in a different way. talking with your partner at a point you feel comfortable doing so about how you like to deal with your anger in general might be helpful. Talking to him about how you aren't the kind of person to problem solve and letting him know sometimes you're too heated in the moment to want to talk about it might be something that pays off for you. If he understands that he like to problem solve but you don't, it might let try to figure out when o give you space, and it might let you trust him in situations like when you want to distract yourself.

I want to calm down first and then solve the problem. Solving problems when you are angry is a stupid move in my opinion. Wouldn't recommend it. My partner goes into lol stereotyped male mode when there's a problem. He has to solve it ASAP. We have talked about it before. More than a few times. I can't help it when I'm angry and he hates to see something bothering me and wants to fix it. I don't want it to be fixed it when my brain is occupied by stupidity. We both go into default modes we find it hard to get out of.

we both need a distraction.

perhaps I misunderstood, but is this known? do you want to distract him, or does he want a distraction?

Well, I didn't say "Let me distract you with sex" but I think it's more than obvious because I never do otherwise. He might not like the intention behind it but I don't think he's gonna say no to the "once in a blue moon sex" initiated by me.

Good news is now he's giving me more space in these past few days. Only attempted to ask me a few times.

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Fire & Rain

It seems better to just deal with the issue than have sex, imo :o ..Though being asexual, anything seems like a better alternative than having sex (to me) so I'm probably not the best person to ask :lol:

I don't really understand why an ace would turn to sex as a distraction (for themselves) though, to be honest.. when there are so many other things you could do? like ''hey let's go out for a picnic'' or something?

I do know it's relatively common for some sexual people to use sex as a distraction though. It feels good and it can take your mind away from things for a while. Just as an ace, I'd rather game with my partner or cook or something, as opposed to actively choosing to have sex of my own volition, to distract myself from something.

No. No. No. You don't want this person making any decisions while angry :D I would spew out insults, really personal ones for at least 15 minutes straight. I've burned many bridges (actually just yesterday not with my partner though) by doing that. I'm really mean when I'm angry. It's because I don't get angry that often. When I finally do, it's like a champagne bottle going off. I wouldn't even go on a picnic when I'm happy :D That sounds like a nightmare.

Ok, I need a type of activity that both of us can do together (because they wouldn't leave me alone but by the time of this post they managed to do it a bit so I guess it's getting better so we haven't done the yankee doodle for a while now lol) and that would shut them up. I tried watching something together before but after a few minutes they would say something like, "you know you can talk to me about anything right? Whenever you're ready." And that resets my anger. I'm here trying to forget about it and being asked about it every few minutes isn't going to help. I need them to shut up and hopefully, fall asleep afterwards. I also like to think first by myself and then talk about it with someone. I don't know if you've noticed but whenever I make a thread, it's about something that's been on my mind for quite some time. I'm just not the kind of person who discusses first and thinks later (by myself) when something bothers me.

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Fire & Rain

I see no moral issue with it at all. Sexuals have sex as a distraction, out of boredom, etc, all the time. If you're in a sexual relationship, wanting to have sex is wanting to have sex, whether or not it's because "omg I just love you so much". That said, if you're having sex just to stop your partner from harassing you with questions while you're quietly stewing, you guys should really talk about solutions to that issue. If you don't want to talk about something until you've calmed down and your partner won't accept that, you've got a big problem imo.

I guess it does happen a lot within sexuals. Is it the same in asexual/sexual relationships though? That's what I want to know. I guess my partner isn't going to turn down a rare initiation by me. Or do they feel used? Should I ask them in the future?

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I guess my partner isn't going to turn down a rare initiation by me. Or do they feel used? Should I ask them in the future?

You should ask them -- we don't know them.

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binary suns

I'd say this to someone asking what asexuals would think, also - this kind of question is honestly too broad. it's the individual who thinks and feels, not a group of people who all differ. when it comes down to what your partner thinks and feels, no one will know except your partner. the best we can do is give advice on how to approach the topic, or help advise you as you sort out your own feelings. we could also of course, offer our own experience as an example... but even then, that is what we were involved in, and won't be his feelings and thoughts.

I don't mean to be dismissive. sorry if it feels that way :( but you'll have to talk to him and ask him what he feels - so asking us what we feel isn't going to help. if there's anything you want our thoughts on in regards to how to approach the discussion, we can definitely help there :)

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Fire & Rain

I'd say this to someone asking what asexuals would think, also - this kind of question is honestly too broad. it's the individual who thinks and feels, not a group of people who all differ. when it comes down to what your partner thinks and feels, no one will know except your partner. the best we can do is give advice on how to approach the topic, or help advise you as you sort out your own feelings. we could also of course, offer our own experience as an example... but even then, that is what we were involved in, and won't be his feelings and thoughts.

I don't mean to be dismissive. sorry if it feels that way :( but you'll have to talk to him and ask him what he feels - so asking us what we feel isn't going to help. if there's anything you want our thoughts on in regards to how to approach the discussion, we can definitely help there :)

No, you weren't being dismissive. In real life i have a resting bitch face and online I just sound mean lol Don't take it personally. I'm not really good at confrontations where you talk about emotions and feelings. ugh kill me so I was sort of trying to know how a typical sexual might feel about this.

I guess my partner isn't going to turn down a rare initiation by me. Or do they feel used? Should I ask them in the future?

You should ask them -- we don't know them.

Ok.

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binary suns

I see. don't worry - I didn't really even notice. myself I have an unusual preference for formal style so even if I use casual grammar or spelling I inevitably put people off :rolleyes:

I think that it's possible he might feel indifferent towards it, or he might even find it cute in some way. but it's also possible he might find the assumption insulting, or the manner of connection to represent disconnection in the relationship, or perhaps something else along the line. generally speaking, I personally would expect a random person to feel indifferent towards it. But I think it's important to find clarity by asking him. from the few words you've offered to describe him, it sounds like he might be indifferent or clueless, but I can't say with certainty. he's the only one who knows how he feels.

of course it's ultimately your decision how to go forward. there's a chance revealing your feelings towards this scenario would upset him, and a chance not revealing your feelings would eventually upset him. Theres a chance a discussion with him would lead to your frustration, and a chance avoid the issue will build up to the point where you can't stand him anymore. personally, if I was in your position, I'd feel that it's overall a riskier decision to hide my feelings in this case, but I only have my gut feeling to base that off of. Whichever path you choose has validation in its reasoning.

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Fire & Rain

I see. don't worry - I didn't really even notice. myself I have an unusual preference for formal style so even if I use casual grammar or spelling I inevitably put people off :rolleyes:

I think that it's possible he might feel indifferent towards it, or he might even find it cute in some way. but it's also possible he might find the assumption insulting, or the manner of connection to represent disconnection in the relationship, or perhaps something else along the line. generally speaking, I personally would expect a random person to feel indifferent towards it. But I think it's important to find clarity by asking him. from the few words you've offered to describe him, it sounds like he might be indifferent or clueless, but I can't say with certainty. he's the only one who knows how he feels.

of course it's ultimately your decision how to go forward. there's a chance revealing your feelings towards this scenario would upset him, and a chance not revealing your feelings would eventually upset him. Theres a chance a discussion with him would lead to your frustration, and a chance avoid the issue will build up to the point where you can't stand him anymore. personally, if I was in your position, I'd feel that it's overall a riskier decision to hide my feelings in this case, but I only have my gut feeling to base that off of. Whichever path you choose has validation in its reasoning.

We decided not to have sex at least until everything has been resolved :)

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binary suns

I hope things work out soon :)

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Fire & Rain

I hope things work out soon :)

Thanks! :) Hopefully! I've always been the one comprising in relationships. This is very freeing.

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What are you trying to distract yourself from?

What expectations are giving yourself that are causing your anger?

If you don't have transparency in a relationship you don't have a relationship at all.

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Fire & Rain

What are you trying to distract yourself from?

What expectations are giving yourself that are causing your anger?

If you don't have transparency in a relationship you don't have a relationship at all.

From them constantly asking me "what's wrong?"

I don't understand the question.

It's not that we don't have transparency. I don't want to talk when I'm angry. It makes me angrier. I do talk later.

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Nigellaseed

Speaking from a personal stance and being a sexual: I enjoy having sex with a partner that I trust when I am a little angry or anxious about something be it something outside the relationship or the relationship. It just feels more edgy and sexy and often ends up with us being much closer at the end. It is not possible to achieve this with all people. I have only ever experienced it with one or two men before.

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binary suns

I have heard before the words uttered, "angry sex is the best sex." I think it was said on a show maybe? I don't remember..

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Nigellaseed

As I said before, it has to be with somebody that a) can handle it b) someone you feel physically safe with that you can explore it with.

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What are you trying to distract yourself from?

What expectations are giving yourself that are causing your anger?

If you don't have transparency in a relationship you don't have a relationship at all.

From them constantly asking me "what's wrong?"

I don't understand the question.

It's not that we don't have transparency. I don't want to talk when I'm angry. It makes me angrier. I do talk later.

fair enough.

my question second question was basically asking, what expectations are you holding that aren't being met, that is in turn causing you to feel angry?

In my experience the reason why people get angry at someone is because they hold an expectation of someone, and then that expectation isn't met.

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I want to know what sexuals think of this. I'll keep it short. Lately, I've been finding myself getting angry and frustrated but not with my partner. If it was only to distract myself, mastubation is the way to go but my partner wants to know what's wrong. I'm the kind who gets really heated when I'm in the moment and having to explain myself why. My partner is the problem solver type and that means I also need to distract them. So to distract both of us I use sex. Do you think it's a good idea or moral?

​I think your partner reading "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg will help to fix the fixer. Your partner cares about you and wants the best for your happiness, but hasn't fully grasped that its okay for people to sit in their emotions, and that sometimes people just want to be heard and understood, instead of getting advice. The book talks a decent amount about that. It also talks about anger/frustration simply being a red flag that other needs aren't getting met- whether that's for safety or rest or the need to be heard.

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Fire & Rain

What are you trying to distract yourself from?

What expectations are giving yourself that are causing your anger?

If you don't have transparency in a relationship you don't have a relationship at all.

From them constantly asking me "what's wrong?"

I don't understand the question.

It's not that we don't have transparency. I don't want to talk when I'm angry. It makes me angrier. I do talk later.

fair enough.

my question second question was basically asking, what expectations are you holding that aren't being met, that is in turn causing you to feel angry?

In my experience the reason why people get angry at someone is because they hold an expectation of someone, and then that expectation isn't met.

I have to go with "I don't want to talk about it" :D

I want to know what sexuals think of this. I'll keep it short. Lately, I've been finding myself getting angry and frustrated but not with my partner. If it was only to distract myself, mastubation is the way to go but my partner wants to know what's wrong. I'm the kind who gets really heated when I'm in the moment and having to explain myself why. My partner is the problem solver type and that means I also need to distract them. So to distract both of us I use sex. Do you think it's a good idea or moral?

​I think your partner reading "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg will help to fix the fixer. Your partner cares about you and wants the best for your happiness, but hasn't fully grasped that its okay for people to sit in their emotions, and that sometimes people just want to be heard and understood, instead of getting advice. The book talks a decent amount about that. It also talks about anger/frustration simply being a red flag that other needs aren't getting met- whether that's for safety or rest or the need to be heard.

We had a long emotional talk the other day and he began giving me more space.

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