How do demisexuals find significant others?

[Salted Karamel]

I'm 31 years old. I've been on dates. I'm not a virgin. I'm even fairly attractive by conventional standards. But I have never had a relationship with someone I was sexually attracted to and honestly I'm at my wit's end even trying to figure out how this works for demisexuals.

There have been people I have been sexually attracted to, but they weren't interested in me because there was no immediate "chemistry." (I've actually had two men that confessed to both sexual and platonic attraction toward me say that they weren't romantically interested in me because they felt no "spark" at the beginning, even if we continued to get along quite well after first meeting.)

I've been on dates, but they seem to get bored and give up before I ever reach the point where I'm attracted to them. I assume they figure I'm not interested because I'm just not reciprocating that "attraction" energy. (How could I ever, with someone I just met?)

I've forced myself to have sex with people sooner, hoping that would start things out on the right "chemistry" footing, but that didn't pan out either.

I don't really meet new people anymore since I graduated from college. I work with pretty much the same 30 people day in and day out—most of them not single men anyhow—and I wouldn't want to date someone I work with anyway. But people in college always seemed averse to the idea of forming romantic relationships on principle.

So, if developing relationships in college is a no-go, and meeting new people after college simply doesn't happen, I figured people must be finding relationships through online dating sites these days. So I joined one. But I can't stand to chat with strangers and I don't really want to meet up with any, either. (I'm also very introverted, which I suppose is a problem.) When guys message me, I almost feel disgusted by their attention. All I can think about is what they want with me, and how many other girls they must be talking to in the same way.

So, demisexuals— How the hell does this work??

[Guest]

I'd say, by making friends first. Not looking for romance specifically, but seeking friendship and focusing on enjoying that. Then sometimes a friendship can develop slowly over time into something deeper? Also, focus on dating (and seeking friendships with) maybe other demis and even grey-As maybe? That way there shouldn't be any pressure from them expecting something too soon?

(edit I'm not demi by the way so not speaking from actual experience, but the whole ''seeking friendship'' thing just seems like a good idea to me regardless of whether your ace, grey, demi, or sexual haha, if you're hoping for something long-term that is)

[Rising Sun]

Same as above.

It's the only way I could ever have started a relationship anyway. The "immediate spark" is something my brain can't process, and what's the point of being together with someone I'm not friends with, and I don't even know well enough to be friends with ? I really don't get it.

[NerotheReaper]

As it has been said before, I don't get that 'intention spark' or want to crawl into someone's pants without developing a strong friendship before hand. A good guy/girl will respect that, and will want to work on the relationship before anything becomes sexual.

[TophRocks]

Hi Katydidd,

I haven't quite settled on how to define myself yet, but demisexual is high on the list of possibilities, and I can totally relate to your post. So, I have no wisdom to impart on the issue (I'm just as stumped about how to make dating/developing a relationship work), but am glad you posed this question and will be watching the responses hoping to learn something as well.

I do want to echo what you said about being introverted though. It just makes the whole thing even more complicated and exhausting and I just give up for years at a time.

[nanogretchen4]

I don't really have any answers for you. I have had a complete lack of success with dating people in hopes of feeling attracted to them eventually. The only thing that has worked for me at all is waiting until I am already attracted to someone and then convincing them to unfriendzone me. It's always going to be a problem that we won't be attracted to each other equally or in exactly the same way on the same timescale. For some reason I can tolerate being the pursuer better than being the pursued. If I was attracted to someone and they said they liked me as a friend and were sexually attracted to me but they weren't in love with me, I'd probably go ahead and have a relationship with them and hope for the best. Twice I've been in the situation of being in a very intense friendship with a straight woman who eventually decided she wasn't quite as straight as all that. But I don't know of any way to work things so that me and the other person fall in love at the same time.

I do think making friends is the plan most likely to work. After college you have to look for hobbies or volunteer activities that help you meet new people and spend time with them on a regular basis. Maybe you will meet a future partner that way. And if you have to wait a long time before you're attracted to someone who's also attracted to you, in the meantime at least you will have friends.

[Isak]

I can see being an introvert more of a problem than being demisexual. I used to be an introvert when I was in high school (I'm 33 now), but then I learned how to interact socially with others (mostly out of need). Nobody would ever think that I was once shy and introverted. I am still a very private man, but I am very friendly on the outside.

As a demisexual, I've never felt the spark at the beginning, however it is very clear to me when the woman in front of me can't possibly be a good match. How do I know? I look for clues, without actually having to ask the other person. These clues always come up in casual conversation, whereas asking direct questions to the woman won't work (you need to catch her/him off guard), as they might be trying to impress you.

So, with this in mind, ask yourself what you are looking for in a partner, and talk to people, see what their words are actually saying about them, and then you can start from that. This will, of course, require a little effort to "improve" your social skills, but it's well worth the effort.

I hope it helps (or at least makes sense).

Note: when I say "improve your social skills", this is just to make things a little easier for you, as there is really nothing wrong with the way you are.

[dissolved]

The "successful" relationships I've had, i.e. those where I eventually developed attraction, all started with friendship, and there was never any intention of it becoming more. When someone has had that instant attraction to me and I've explained that attraction takes time for me, I've started a relationship anyway and I always get to the point of loathing them because I never feel anything for them. It's never worked out that way around for me. It's as if the pressure of expectation prevents me from ever finding them attractive (or even liking the person in the first place). I always explain how it works for me, but people are always willing to wait and hope for me to feel something in return.

In my experience, there is no easy way to successfully date, unless the other person is willing to "wait and see" how your feelings develop (if at all), or you're willing to compromise in the meantime.

[Salted Karamel]

Re: making friendships—

I suppose I knew that. But perhaps because I’ve developed feelings for so many people in the past (okay like maybe 2-3 but when you’re talking traumatic experiences that’s a lot) who rejected me because they felt nothing “immediate,” I am very reluctant to risk developing feelings for anyone who won’t feel the same about me.

Also, it seems kind of dishonest to try to develop friendships with people when you know in the back of your mind that you really want to know if you have romantic potential with them? Like, isn’t that what we get on guys who bitch about being “friend zoned” about? And with good reason, I think.. To only seek someone’s friendship as a roundabout way of getting a romantic relationship from them is dishonest.

There’s also the matter that I barely even keep in touch with my friends as it is. Maintaining contact with people and making plans to go out and do things is very draining. (But then, so is dating…which is a large part of the reason why I have been unsuccessful in forcing myself to do that in years.) How anyone can even bother to have more than 1 or 2 friends that they really keep in touch with is beyond me. And if I only keep in touch with 1 friend with hopes of it becoming romantic, aren’t I basically dating them anyhow? Do I need to keep 12 friends in order to make it so that none of them are that special? That sounds so exhausting.

I think because of how few friends I generally keep, I wouldn't be able to not be picky about whether or not I see romantic possibilities with them. After all, if I only have 1-2 friends and they're both, like, married women or something, then obviously my friendships aren't going to lead to any romantic relationships. So I'd have to make sure I'm only friends with people I could feasibly have a romantic relationship with... And then yeah that seems like pretty much dating to me.

I can see being an introvert more of a problem than being demisexual. I used to be an introvert when I was in high school (I'm 33 now), but then I learned how to interact socially with others (mostly out of need). Nobody would ever think that I was once shy and introverted. I am still a very private man, but I am very friendly on the outside.

As a demisexual, I've never felt the spark at the beginning, however it is very clear to me when the woman in front of me can't possibly be a good match. How do I know? I look for clues, without actually having to ask the other person. These clues always come up in casual conversation, whereas asking direct questions to the woman won't work (you need to catch her/him off guard), as they might be trying to impress you.

So, with this in mind, ask yourself what you are looking for in a partner, and talk to people, see what their words are actually saying about them, and then you can start from that. This will, of course, require a little effort to "improve" your social skills, but it's well worth the effort.

I hope it helps (or at least makes sense).

Note: when I say "improve your social skills", this is just to make things a little easier for you, as there is really nothing wrong with the way you are.

No offense taken; my social skills are shit. =P Once upon a time I was an RA, and I think I accidentally spent my lifetime reserves of Capacity To Socialize.

What kind of clues do you look for and what kind of things do you ask?

I don't really have any answers for you. I have had a complete lack of success with dating people in hopes of feeling attracted to them eventually. The only thing that has worked for me at all is waiting until I am already attracted to someone and then convincing them to unfriendzone me. It's always going to be a problem that we won't be attracted to each other equally or in exactly the same way on the same timescale. For some reason I can tolerate being the pursuer better than being the pursued. If I was attracted to someone and they said they liked me as a friend and were sexually attracted to me but they weren't in love with me, I'd probably go ahead and have a relationship with them and hope for the best. Twice I've been in the situation of being in a very intense friendship with a straight woman who eventually decided she wasn't quite as straight as all that. But I don't know of any way to work things so that me and the other person fall in love at the same time.

I do think making friends is the plan most likely to work. After college you have to look for hobbies or volunteer activities that help you meet new people and spend time with them on a regular basis. Maybe you will meet a future partner that way. And if you have to wait a long time before you're attracted to someone who's also attracted to you, in the meantime at least you will have friends.

I remember that being true for me once upon a time, too. But there's a big risk involved in that..a big emotional investment. And it takes too long to recover from that kind of loss.

The "successful" relationships I've had, i.e. those where I eventually developed attraction, all started with friendship, and there was never any intention of it becoming more. When someone has had that instant attraction to me and I've explained that attraction takes time for me, I've started a relationship anyway and I always get to the point of loathing them because I never feel anything for them. It's never worked out that way around for me. It's as if the pressure of expectation prevents me from ever finding them attractive (or even liking the person in the first place). I always explain how it works for me, but people are always willing to wait and hope for me to feel something in return.

In my experience, there is no easy way to successfully date, unless the other person is willing to "wait and see" how your feelings develop (if at all), or you're willing to compromise in the meantime.

I’ve definitely had that experience, too. And then sometimes it’s like once you say “Yeah, sure, okay, I’ll go out with you and we can see if we’re a good fit” they seem to take that as “You’re my one true love forever” and think it’s suddenly okay to be like super cuddly romantic with you and want your attention all the time and want to touch you…and I’m just like oh my god no get away from me, I don’t even know yet if I like you as a person, let alone all that.

Lol, sometimes I feel like I wish I could just retreat from humans forever, honestly... And then other times I just wish I had someone in that retreat with me. :(

[nanogretchen4]

I don't decide whether or not to be friends with people based on whether or not I see romantic potential. It doesn't work that way for me. I have never been able to make myself have feelings for someone in a premeditated way. Most of my friendships are presumably going to remain totally platonic, and I value my friendships for their own sakes. I have had to step outside my comfort zone and socialize more than I used to, and I'm pretty happy with my life overall. If I remain single, I'll be okay. I'm not actively searching for one person to complete me. I'm just creating conditions in which romance could conceivably happen someday, and remaining open to the possibility.

[Salted Karamel]

But, see, it's that actively stepping outside my comfort zone that would create a situation in which I am actively looking for a thing.

I already have two friends that I keep in touch with every few months. They're a heterosexual couple, practically married. I'm not going to go after either of them. Hell, even if they broke up tomorrow I would never pursue either of them because I wouldn't betray the other like that (let alone that I don't see either of them in that way).

But that's kind of enough friends for me. It's only not enough "friends" for me because I would like to have a significant other. So if I started making more friends, the sole purpose would be to find a significant other, and that's what would make the situation less...organic.

[Sally]

It almost sounds like you're "yes-but"-ing your way around in a circle. You have reasons for not doing anything you've tried in the past. But unless you do those things (actually, deliberately meeting people to see if a relationship of any sort is possible), nothing will happen.

In that respect, you have to do the same thing a "regular" sexual must do: take a risk.

[Isak]

No offense taken; my social skills are shit. =P Once upon a time I was an RA, and I think I accidentally spent my lifetime reserves of Capacity To Socialize.

Well, all you have to do is show the world how cool you are, I can tell from here ;)

What kind of clues do you look for and what kind of things do you ask?

It really depends on what you are looking for. Casual conversation is where people feel (relatively) more comfortable, and it's the best place to get the kind of information you're looking for. I am going to make an example based on my experience (this happened more than once to me with women), but chances are it won’t apply to you directly, as we may have different needs.

I would usually say that I wished to find the one, get married, and have my own family, and, what a coincidence, my dates said very clearly they desired exactly the same thing. One of them even shared with me when she was planning to have kids. Except, when talking to them about random stuff (again, casual conversation), facts came up that clearly showed that they were wasting all the money they made at work, and they were living as if they had no tomorrow (one big clue). They said many more things that obviously contradicted their “desire” to settle down soon. A couple of them even admitted they didn’t believe at all in marriage, or in having a family (and this had always been the case). It is not a coincidence they came clear about this only after months into our relationship.

The thing is, I didn’t have to ask, those little details simply came up when dating. Ask your date/acquaintance/etc. what they do, and what they would like to do if they could. Have a nice casual conversation about the things you like, etc. even the silliest things that have no apparent connection to what you are looking for. Chances are you will get plenty of clues.

If the clues you get sound good to you, keep seeing the person. If somebody is really into you, they will wait until you are where they are emotionally. If you find a good candidate, perhaps explaining what a demisexual is will help them make sense of things, so that they (at least) don’t feel rejected.

P.S. If you're wondering why I ignored those clues with my exes, I simply didn’t want to listen to reason, and I wanted to feel “normal”, and in a real relationship. I know better now ;)

[TophRocks]

I get what you're saying all too well, katydidd. It's an introvert thing. We need social contact as much as anyone, but it's exhausting. Especially when it is new people and it's personal (or at least the former, the latter might vary). You should read Quiet, by Susan Cain if you haven't already (not that it helped me overcome any of my issues with an extroverted society yet, but I got some of my self esteem back). And my head has been going around and around with similar frustrations to yours, I think. I've tried to date, to push outside of my comfort zone, so I have the chance to get to know someone that I would fall for, but I can't help thinking ahead - which maybe Sally is right we shouldn't let ourselves do if we want anything to change. I just get so frustrated with how soon physical intimacy is expected to begin, because I really don't want to have the conversation over and over again about this very personal thing about myself with persons I haven't even known very long. But if I put off explaining - and if I can put it off successfully without the guy assuming I'm not really interested and losing my number - is he then going to feel like I've led him on? I'd like to be indignant about anyone making any such assumptions, but, at the same time, I can't help but understand, given what our society teaches people about sex and attraction, and the lack of awareness about asexuality (by which I mean to refer to the full spectrum - still learning how best to use terms that are new to me). So, to clarify, because I feel like I'm rambling. nearly every fiber of my being does not want to have to explain that aspect of myself to numerous guys. But it also seems unavoidable (outside incredible good luck) to find the/a right one. As an introvert, it doesn't get a lot more daunting than that.

That all said though... I came across a post here about dating sites that maybe everyone already knows about, but maybe not. Not all of the links provided in the post exist anymore, but Acebook and Asexual Pals do. The downside, I'm assuming, is that we're a small population. Odds of connecting with anyone who lives reasonably close for a relationship is low. But, still, like here, it's a place one can make friends and talk about relationships without having to explain everything or argue with people about whether you're really just exaggerating your lack of sexual attraction, or its temporary, or that something must have happened to you, or any of that other crap. So, I'm going to give a site or two a try for now.

Here's the link to the posts with the dating site links: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/32900-dating-sites/

[Jujubejess]

I always knew I was a little different but it is harder to notice when you are school age since.you make friends so easily. Let me confirm what someone else said on here in regards to settling for a relationship with someone who likes you but was not feeling the spark initially.this is all my relationships and by outside perspective I have been successful in relationships. I have had 3. 5 years, 3 years and 8 years in length. They were people who I made friends with and eventually made the moves to "date" them. All three are still very close friends of mine. I'm thankful for that however not one if them were ever in love with me and at 32 I have never heard those words from a man. My ex of 8 years is still very close.to me and when I asked why it.never happened he said he felt we were too close and got to the point where we were like siblings or best friends. There was not enough lust or mystery and honestly he never was attracted to me like that but I made him feel so comfortable that he just stayed....we broke up when I asked if he loved me just before our 8 year anniversary and he said no. I think for us demisexuals we view the ultimate love as being totally accepted , understood and literally finding our other half. When I am single and try dating or think of even touching someone it almost makes me physically ill but when I am in a relationship with someone I know and love....I'm like a total nympho. Doesn't make sense to people and explaining to anyone how this type of sexuality works just puts expectations on it and drives me away anyhow. I don't know what the answer is at this age since meeting people is really difficult when you work and your hobbies are not mainstream . I wish there was a site site for demisexuals.

[Tofer]

17 hours ago, Jujubejess said:

I wish there was a site site for demisexuals.

There is. http://demisexuality.org/ and they have forums. Good but small group of people. Come over & join!