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Any asexuals that got divorced from sexuals?


*Jade*

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I am an ace currently going through the divorce process from my heterosexual partner (sex was a major issue). I'm curious if any other aces have gone through this.

Did your partner understand the sexuality issues?

Were you worried about finding someone else to love?

Were you planning on getting remarried (to a sexual or asexual)?

Any advice?

I just like to hear anything you'd have to share really.

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I am married (but separated) to a sexual. The sex issue was a main problem. And no, I don't think he understands. I don't think he really can. As for finding someone else to love, eh. If it happens, yay. If not, oh well. I spent years not getting the non-sexual intimacy I crave while with someone, now I don't get it and I don't have to have sex. So, whatever, not much changed there for me. It would be nice to meet someone that doesn't need sex and I can be close to, but not needed. If I ever get with someone again, it will be a non-sexual person. I can't deal with someone who desires sex from me, it's just too stressful.

Advice? Focus on you and your needs. Worry about relationships later, worry about adjusting to not being married right now.

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Similar to Serran, still legally married but not in a relationship anymore.

1). It's complicated. It was just one in a list of issues and we didn't have a specific discussion about it. She brought it up a couple times but I didn't want to respond because I can't imagine her understanding.

2). Not strongly interested.

3). Not planning on it.

4). No, sorry. It's probably a little different for everyone. Good luck.

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I separated from my husband two years ago and we just recently finalized our divorce. We were married about a year. At first, we did have sex but I didn't enjoy it at all. I did it to make him happy. After a while, I just couldn't do it anymore and I didn't understand why. I wanted to for his sake but I just couldn't. I didn't understand it myself so I wasn't able to explain it to him either. it was really hard for him since he loved me very much and wanted to have sex with me. I was the one who asked for the divorce because the whole thing was just too much for me.

I sometimes do worry about my future. Will I be able to get married again? Will I have to have sex with him or will he be asexual like me? I try not to think about it too much because I'm still young (I'm in my 20s).

If I ever do get married again, he will hopefully be asexual too, but I would be open to marrying someone sexual if they are willing to compromise and to be understanding of my needs. I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens.

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AmeliaJane

I am an ace who has recently separated from my very sexual husband with a view to divorce. Sex was the main issue. I have just found out he is seeing someone else and this has hurt me deeply. I can't help imagining this woman orgasming passionately while swinging from chandeliers enjoying it immensely and experiencing sexual emotional connection with him. All things I am incapable of doing. Right now I feel only half human and completely unlovable.

Sorry no advice.

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maccheese

My husband and I separated for a while, sex was apart of it because he feels rejected and it seems that in sexual relationships, its a partners responsibility to make them feel wanted. I have suggested polyamory, which I am highly interested in, but he seems to be hardcore monogamous. Monogamy was something I never even thought about and it didn't matter. It just wasn't questioned until a couple years ago. Because I think I'd rather be in a relationship or relationships where I am allowed to not have sex as a priority for me and I am not made to feel bad about it (even if its indirectly) I think I'd rather move on and find that. I am concerned about being alone (I don't know why, I can be so withdrawn and introverted.)

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I am married (but separated) to a sexual. The sex issue was a main problem. And no, I don't think he understands. I don't think he really can. As for finding someone else to love, eh. If it happens, yay. If not, oh well. I spent years not getting the non-sexual intimacy I crave while with someone, now I don't get it and I don't have to have sex. So, whatever, not much changed there for me. It would be nice to meet someone that doesn't need sex and I can be close to, but not needed. If I ever get with someone again, it will be a non-sexual person. I can't deal with someone who desires sex from me, it's just too stressful.

Advice? Focus on you and your needs. Worry about relationships later, worry about adjusting to not being married right now.

Thanks Serran. My partner definitely doesn't understand.

I think I'm definitely feeling similarly about relationships. I'm very happy to be single and focusing on my needs at the moment. Thanks for the advice!!

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Similar to Serran, still legally married but not in a relationship anymore.

1). It's complicated. It was just one in a list of issues and we didn't have a specific discussion about it. She brought it up a couple times but I didn't want to respond because I can't imagine her understanding.

2). Not strongly interested.

3). Not planning on it.

4). No, sorry. It's probably a little different for everyone. Good luck.

Thanks! I'm honestly not interested in another relationship at the moment, but I thought that might be weird. Glad to hear there are others who are just happy being single and not necessarily planning on getting married again.

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I separated from my husband two years ago and we just recently finalized our divorce. We were married about a year. At first, we did have sex but I didn't enjoy it at all. I did it to make him happy. After a while, I just couldn't do it anymore and I didn't understand why. I wanted to for his sake but I just couldn't. I didn't understand it myself so I wasn't able to explain it to him either. it was really hard for him since he loved me very much and wanted to have sex with me. I was the one who asked for the divorce because the whole thing was just too much for me.

I sometimes do worry about my future. Will I be able to get married again? Will I have to have sex with him or will he be asexual like me? I try not to think about it too much because I'm still young (I'm in my 20s).

If I ever do get married again, he will hopefully be asexual too, but I would be open to marrying someone sexual if they are willing to compromise and to be understanding of my needs. I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens.

Your experience with your husband sounds so similar to mine. Thanks for sharing. I had the same "I just can't do it anymore" feeling.

Best wishes with your future!

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I am an ace who has recently separated from my very sexual husband with a view to divorce. Sex was the main issue. I have just found out he is seeing someone else and this has hurt me deeply. I can't help imagining this woman orgasming passionately while swinging from chandeliers enjoying it immensely and experiencing sexual emotional connection with him. All things I am incapable of doing. Right now I feel only half human and completely unlovable.

Sorry no advice.

I feel ya AmeliaJane. I have a sneaky suspicion my very sexual husband is also seeing someone else. It took him less than a month after I said I wanted a divorce to ask if he could see other people even though we were still legally married.

It's definitely a roller-coaster of emotions. Hopefully you won't feel "half human and completely unlovable." I imagine that is not the case at all.

Thank you so much for sharing with me. It's nice to know I am not the only one feeling like this.

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My husband and I separated for a while, sex was apart of it because he feels rejected and it seems that in sexual relationships, its a partners responsibility to make them feel wanted. I have suggested polyamory, which I am highly interested in, but he seems to be hardcore monogamous. Monogamy was something I never even thought about and it didn't matter. It just wasn't questioned until a couple years ago. Because I think I'd rather be in a relationship or relationships where I am allowed to not have sex as a priority for me and I am not made to feel bad about it (even if its indirectly) I think I'd rather move on and find that. I am concerned about being alone (I don't know why, I can be so withdrawn and introverted.)

I also got to the point where I told my husband he could get his needs elsewhere. But he, too, was hardcore monogamous.

I'm also very introverted (INFJ). I'm thrilled to be alone, so living by myself lately has been glorious. :-)

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Emgeemotodoll

Hi Jade-

I am also in the process of filing for a divorce. We have been married 15 years and I discovered I was asexual (romantic) a little over a year ago. He immediately was supportive and happy that I had discovered my truth as was I. Then as the reality set in, being supportive and staying in the marriage meant to compromise who he was and what kind of relationship he needed. We tried opening up the marriage but he is Demi-sexual and needs a monogamous intimate relationship with sex. Even when he had girlfriends it was tough to segment part emotional connection with her and part me. Ultimately he couldn't connect with me without that physical part and it compromised one of us either way. It was tough, I've felt really guilty for putting him through it. Not for who I am but for not knowing who I was for so long. We are in our 40's now and obviously it gets tougher to find partners. I'm not even thinking about it for me at this point but I'm definitely scared of ending up alone. Now I just have to figure out who I am again, single.

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Hello everyone.

I went through a divorce that was final in 2009. I can honestly say that our problems started when I was withholding from sexual advancements from my wife. As far as I can remember I never really thought that having sex with someone was a big deal. It was the furthest thing from my mind. When we meet I was very much attracted to her, but I was not imidietly wanting to jump into bed with her. Frankly I had anxiety about it. I had other relationships before her,but I had always ended them before things went to far. I conformed to what society,and everyone I knew thought I should be like, and gave in. After years of anxiety, and bouts of depression it took its toll on our marriage. We both withdrew from each other further each day. When it was over I jumped into another relationship. I was so used to being someone I wasn't, that it wasn't hard to just keep on going the same direction. Needless to say we started to have the same problems. Although my now very recent ex-gf of 7 years had so much in common,and had a very deep emotional connection we both needed different things. She was a very sexual person, and I wasn't. I guess you could say that I had a sexual attraction to her but was never really into the thought of having sex with her. Yes we have had sex but it was full of anxiety, and fear for me just like every time in the past. I felt like I would have to just to be able to keep her in my life. I didn't mind doing other things to please her. In fact I rather liked it that she was getting pleasure out of it, but when it came to me I wanted no part of it. I was more into having more of an emotional, and spiritual part of a relationship with kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands, etc. I don't think she ever understood this. It could have been my fault that I never really knew why or even tried to discuss it with her or anyone. So for the past 3 years our relationship has been nothing sexual at all, and I was fine with that except we were growing apart at the same time. We stayed together for so long out of comfort I would say. Someone to talk to, to trust, to confide in. Both of us had gone through so much before we got together, and as a couple. More than most couples should have too. Last week on our 7 year anniversary we decided to call it quits, and not to fake it for another year. We just wanted different things. Things I could not or didn't want to like a sexual relationship, kids, marriage. Who knows maybe some of us are ment to be alone. I'll just keep on being hopeful that maybe some day I will find someone who wants the same thing as me. Until then I will work on finding myself again (whoever that is) and try to be happy being single.

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Hello everyone.

I went through a divorce that was final in 2009. I can honestly say that our problems started when I was withholding from sexual advancements from my wife. As far as I can remember I never really thought that having sex with someone was a big deal. It was the furthest thing from my mind. When we meet I was very much attracted to her, but I was not imidietly wanting to jump into bed with her. Frankly I had anxiety about it. I had other relationships before her,but I had always ended them before things went to far. I conformed to what society,and everyone I knew thought I should be like, and gave in. After years of anxiety, and bouts of depression it took its toll on our marriage. We both withdrew from each other further each day. When it was over I jumped into another relationship. I was so used to being someone I wasn't, that it wasn't hard to just keep on going the same direction. Needless to say we started to have the same problems. Although my now very recent ex-gf of 7 years had so much in common,and had a very deep emotional connection we both needed different things. She was a very sexual person, and I wasn't. I guess you could say that I had a sexual attraction to her but was never really into the thought of having sex with her. Yes we have had sex but it was full of anxiety, and fear for me just like every time in the past. I felt like I would have to just to be able to keep her in my life. I didn't mind doing other things to please her. In fact I rather liked it that she was getting pleasure out of it, but when it came to me I wanted no part of it. I was more into having more of an emotional, and spiritual part of a relationship with kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands, etc. I don't think she ever understood this. It could have been my fault that I never really knew why or even tried to discuss it with her or anyone. So for the past 3 years our relationship has been nothing sexual at all, and I was fine with that except we were growing apart at the same time. We stayed together for so long out of comfort I would say. Someone to talk to, to trust, to confide in. Both of us had gone through so much before we got together, and as a couple. More than most couples should have too. Last week on our 7 year anniversary we decided to call it quits, and not to fake it for another year. We just wanted different things. Things I could not or didn't want to like a sexual relationship, kids, marriage. Who knows maybe some of us are ment to be alone. I'll just keep on being hopeful that maybe some day I will find someone who wants the same thing as me. Until then I will work on finding myself again (whoever that is) and try to be happy being single.

Good luck, there's no reason you can't find happiness being single.

Like you, I really can't understand people who think relationships hinge on sex. I thought it was just one aspect but it seems like for a lot of people it's the primary thing, which is a bit baffling.

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Similar to Serran, still legally married but not in a relationship anymore.

1). It's complicated. It was just one in a list of issues and we didn't have a specific discussion about it. She brought it up a couple times but I didn't want to respond because I can't imagine her understanding.

2). Not strongly interested.

3). Not planning on it.

4). No, sorry. It's probably a little different for everyone. Good luck.

Thanks! I'm honestly not interested in another relationship at the moment, but I thought that might be weird. Glad to hear there are others who are just happy being single and not necessarily planning on getting married again.

Nothing weird about it. Best thing is to just do whatever works for you in life and not worry about what others may think about it.

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Yes, I was married to a sexual, and I had no idea that I was on the asexual spectrum til almost the end!

It should have been liberating to find out, to finally have a language and an articulation; especially, to know that I was not damaged or a bad person.

But it was not liberating, at the time.

There were a lot of things the both of us did not understand.

It was a dang hard part of our marriage; our sex drive differences (and things we were interested in doing sexually) were so far apart that it was un-bridgeable.

We had a lot of other problems, too. Also, after a long long time trying to figure it out, were unfixable.

Yeah there was a lot of damage. He was angry, frustrated; I felt alone, sad, like a bad wife.

Truth be told, as most of us probably feel on here: I just don't care about sex that much. And I spent my ENTIRE FLIPPING MARRIAGE trying to do what he wanted, to know what I wanted, and to give a crap more than like once a month.

It sucked. That part, anyway! A couple of years out of the marriage, it still hurts to really think and talk about it like I am now.

Know what's freeing about being Single? I don't have to consider anyone else's sexual desires besides my own.

(I'm graysexual; so sometimes I want to be sexual, and sometimes I am, but like 95% of the time, not).

It is so freeing that I do not have that constant weight on me anymore.

I am my own person, my sexuality is mine. I could never have that being married and monogamous with a highly sexual man.

Now, I wonder if I could be a good Life Partner to anyone, ever. I've had boyfriends, and it was great, but nothing long-term.

In the future, I really do want a life partner (or husband, however it works out). I want to share my life with someone who loves me deeply and I love them deeply, and we can understand each others sexualities (among many things, haha!). But that's a super important part.

I find myself assuming that EVERYONE ELSE is sexual. I have never actually met another Asexual or Graysexual person in the flesh.

I hope this helps, or at least is interesting, to someone!

There is hope on the other side. Getting divorced was/is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and also, now I see, one of the best things that ever happened to me.

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I am an ace who has recently separated from my very sexual husband with a view to divorce. Sex was the main issue. I have just found out he is seeing someone else and this has hurt me deeply. I can't help imagining this woman orgasming passionately while swinging from chandeliers enjoying it immensely and experiencing sexual emotional connection with him. All things I am incapable of doing. Right now I feel only half human and completely unlovable.

Sorry no advice.

I'm so sorry. I understand your feelings, it still hits kind of close to home. I remember feeling like that.

My advice:

Stay true to yourself; healing is on the way, and you WILL find the joy of freedom. I don't know how long it will take, or how it will start to show up, but Freedom is Joy. You will feel better, on the other side.

Maybe this seems overly cheery, but I have been through THE WORST. So much grief. So much. I'm just here to tell you, you're going to be OK.

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Hi Jade-

I am also in the process of filing for a divorce. We have been married 15 years and I discovered I was asexual (romantic) a little over a year ago. He immediately was supportive and happy that I had discovered my truth as was I. Then as the reality set in, being supportive and staying in the marriage meant to compromise who he was and what kind of relationship he needed. We tried opening up the marriage but he is Demi-sexual and needs a monogamous intimate relationship with sex. Even when he had girlfriends it was tough to segment part emotional connection with her and part me. Ultimately he couldn't connect with me without that physical part and it compromised one of us either way. It was tough, I've felt really guilty for putting him through it. Not for who I am but for not knowing who I was for so long. We are in our 40's now and obviously it gets tougher to find partners. I'm not even thinking about it for me at this point but I'm definitely scared of ending up alone. Now I just have to figure out who I am again, single.

Thanks for sharing your story. My husband was definitely not supportive. I tried the option of opening the marriage, but he wanted monogamy. So I totally get that.

Although I am in my 30s, I still have the same feeling about being able to find a partner, especially someone who gets my asexuality. Anyway, I am not in any hurry at this point.

Best wishes to you as you find out who you are as a single person!

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Hello everyone.

I went through a divorce that was final in 2009. I can honestly say that our problems started when I was withholding from sexual advancements from my wife. As far as I can remember I never really thought that having sex with someone was a big deal. It was the furthest thing from my mind. When we meet I was very much attracted to her, but I was not imidietly wanting to jump into bed with her. Frankly I had anxiety about it. I had other relationships before her,but I had always ended them before things went to far. I conformed to what society,and everyone I knew thought I should be like, and gave in. After years of anxiety, and bouts of depression it took its toll on our marriage. We both withdrew from each other further each day. When it was over I jumped into another relationship. I was so used to being someone I wasn't, that it wasn't hard to just keep on going the same direction. Needless to say we started to have the same problems. Although my now very recent ex-gf of 7 years had so much in common,and had a very deep emotional connection we both needed different things. She was a very sexual person, and I wasn't. I guess you could say that I had a sexual attraction to her but was never really into the thought of having sex with her. Yes we have had sex but it was full of anxiety, and fear for me just like every time in the past. I felt like I would have to just to be able to keep her in my life. I didn't mind doing other things to please her. In fact I rather liked it that she was getting pleasure out of it, but when it came to me I wanted no part of it. I was more into having more of an emotional, and spiritual part of a relationship with kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands, etc. I don't think she ever understood this. It could have been my fault that I never really knew why or even tried to discuss it with her or anyone. So for the past 3 years our relationship has been nothing sexual at all, and I was fine with that except we were growing apart at the same time. We stayed together for so long out of comfort I would say. Someone to talk to, to trust, to confide in. Both of us had gone through so much before we got together, and as a couple. More than most couples should have too. Last week on our 7 year anniversary we decided to call it quits, and not to fake it for another year. We just wanted different things. Things I could not or didn't want to like a sexual relationship, kids, marriage. Who knows maybe some of us are ment to be alone. I'll just keep on being hopeful that maybe some day I will find someone who wants the same thing as me. Until then I will work on finding myself again (whoever that is) and try to be happy being single.

Good luck, there's no reason you can't find happiness being single.

Like you, I really can't understand people who think relationships hinge on sex. I thought it was just one aspect but it seems like for a lot of people it's the primary thing, which is a bit baffling.

Ditto. I think we can definitely find happiness as individuals. However, I do understand the longing to find someone in life that cares about what you care about (and doesn't care about sex).

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Yes, I was married to a sexual, and I had no idea that I was on the asexual spectrum til almost the end!

It should have been liberating to find out, to finally have a language and an articulation; especially, to know that I was not damaged or a bad person.

But it was not liberating, at the time.

There were a lot of things the both of us did not understand.

It was a dang hard part of our marriage; our sex drive differences (and things we were interested in doing sexually) were so far apart that it was un-bridgeable.

We had a lot of other problems, too. Also, after a long long time trying to figure it out, were unfixable.

Yeah there was a lot of damage. He was angry, frustrated; I felt alone, sad, like a bad wife.

Truth be told, as most of us probably feel on here: I just don't care about sex that much. And I spent my ENTIRE FLIPPING MARRIAGE trying to do what he wanted, to know what I wanted, and to give a crap more than like once a month.

It sucked. That part, anyway! A couple of years out of the marriage, it still hurts to really think and talk about it like I am now.

Know what's freeing about being Single? I don't have to consider anyone else's sexual desires besides my own.

(I'm graysexual; so sometimes I want to be sexual, and sometimes I am, but like 95% of the time, not).

It is so freeing that I do not have that constant weight on me anymore.

I am my own person, my sexuality is mine. I could never have that being married and monogamous with a highly sexual man.

Now, I wonder if I could be a good Life Partner to anyone, ever. I've had boyfriends, and it was great, but nothing long-term.

In the future, I really do want a life partner (or husband, however it works out). I want to share my life with someone who loves me deeply and I love them deeply, and we can understand each others sexualities (among many things, haha!). But that's a super important part.

I find myself assuming that EVERYONE ELSE is sexual. I have never actually met another Asexual or Graysexual person in the flesh.

I hope this helps, or at least is interesting, to someone!

There is hope on the other side. Getting divorced was/is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and also, now I see, one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND!!! This does help, so thanks.

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AmeliaJane

Thanks for your replies to my post, livvy and jade. And thanks to everyone who has replied. It's comforting to know I am not alone.

I did feel euphoric about not having to have sex, at first. But then the realisation that I am going to be alone has kind of kicked in. My ex came back saying he would be okay without sex, being all charming and reminding me what it is like to have a supportive partner, then swiftly changed his mind and whipped his companionship away from under me. Now I feel like I lack a partner. I wish I could get back to the strong "I don't need a man" person that I was when we first separated.

I keep asking myself if I could handle having sex for the sake of a new relationship. But the answer is irrefutably no - every time.

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AmeliaJane

Thanks for your replies to my post, livvy and jade. And thanks to everyone who has replied. It's comforting to know I am not alone.

I did feel euphoric about not having to have sex, at first. But then the realisation that I am going to be alone has kind of kicked in. My ex came back saying he would be okay without sex, being all charming and reminding me what it is like to have a supportive partner, then swiftly changed his mind and whipped his companionship away from under me. Now I feel like I lack a partner. I wish I could get back to the strong "I don't need a man" person that I was when we first separated.

I keep asking myself if I could handle having sex for the sake of a new relationship. But the answer is irrefutably no - every time.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So this is my first post on here, but I found this thread by searching "divorced," so clearly I have some experience that may be relevant.

I have been divorced for a bit over three years. My ex-H and I were married for almost six years and together (off and on - more on than off) for six years before we got married. I have always had a pretty low libido, and once I got divorced, I did not think at all that it was weird to say to a friend, "I would be perfectly happy to never have sex again."

My marriage ended because my ex-H had an affair that I found out about (his plan was that I would NOT find out), but I was not happily married at all. I didn't feel connected to him at all, but I figured that I had made my bed and would have to lie in it. I now realize that was an irrational belief (I have had lots of therapy), but at the time, I just figured my lot in life was to stay unhappily married. Infidelity was a deal breaker for me, however, so I got my "excuse" to leave.

Back in the day, when I was first exploring sexuality, I knew I was not attracted to women, so I dated men. I have dated three men (and married the one), and I had sexual relationships with two of them. I was never super into sex, but I did definitely have sex, although it was rare for me to initiate, unless I perhaps was a little drunk. I didn't super enjoy sex, and I have always HATED foreplay.

So I have been researching this whole idea of asexuality, and not only did it make sense for someone like me who would happy to never have sex again, but I started thinking about attraction to men vs. women. I have always identified as a heterosexual female, but I have also had very strong relationships with women with feelings that felt almost romantic, without being at all sexual. So I am kind of wondering...am I asexual and homoromantic? It totally makes sense that I might be.

Anyway, being divorced and not having to have sex or even think about it is amazing, and I am really embracing that I am an introvert who really likes being home and living alone. However, I don't know that I want that to be my life forever. I am relatively certain I would not want an asexual relationship with a man because the connection that I would want in a relationship does not seem to be one I would find with a man. But I also don't know that I am really homoromantic...and I don't want to get into the whole "where do I fit in the sexuality spectrum?" thing that seems to be happening in the face of all the hate crimes we have seen lately.

Anyway, I guess that is my intro on the DL? Maybe?

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RiseOfCourage

Hi Jade! Good topic. I have the feeling a good number of Ace-oriented people force themselves to fit society's mold, to meet expectations of the majority. Conform or you're not normal, right?

Boy, did I get suckered and pressured into complying with the norm and got married to a male friend. He fell in love with me. I thought marriage would somehow magically make me have sexual feelings, make me fit in better, and "cure" my innate lesbian slant. I was young and stupid. That ended in divorce a few years later. I just couldn't get into the sex thing, though I always thought it was really cool how all my friends enjoyed it and I wanted to be part of that "club." I never thought of sex as a bad thing, I just lacked the required interest. The marriage experience made me realize I just had to be true to myself and not force myself to be something I'm not...that just leads to unhappiness and depression. I felt terrible for my friend, it's wasn't his fault for having needs and interest for sex. The divorce let me get out there, sail away on my boat, and find who I was and what I really wanted in life.

Interestingly, when I became comfortable with who I was and dropped feelings of inadequacy, new friends came into my life. Twelve years ago I formed a deep, mutual bond with a guy who is similar to me when it comes to relationships. It's one of those things where we feel like we knew each other before. My culture believes in past lives, so I think our souls have met in other incarnations. There's no pressure of sex hanging over our heads and we see past the thin veil of lust to see and love the beauty that's inside. Though I like looking at women, after meeting my life partner I realized when it comes to real love, it's what on the inside. Once we formed that bond, it was only then I could engage in moderate sexual activity, once in a while, without it feeling unpleasant or a "chore." He has a very mild sex drive. I still have to fight a slight aversion to male sexual parts (the lesbian in me!) but those parts are attached to someone who I share a bond of unconditional love with. Funny, he's kind of gay-ish and is fascinated by my masculine side.

I wouldn't have been ready for such companionship if I hadn't learned to accept myself first.

Divorce really taught me a life lesson, and I wonder why I have to learn things the hard way!

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Well. Where to start. I married a male right out of college for all the wrong reasons. Mostly because I was supposed to. Not the best of ideas. That lasted 10 years and 2 kids. I never actually wanted to be a mother and don't think I have any motherly instinct, but, both my kids made it to adulthood and are out on their own, so that worked I suppose. I was left for another woman who was a better fit for him than I was when my kids were 3 and 6. I learned a lot about being on my own and managing my own life. Then I met an amazing woman. All of a sudden I was confused- was I gay? Bi? What was going on? We moved to Vermont, got a domestic partnership which was the only thing/place available at the time. She was "my person". I would have done anything- but the sex part got less and less over the years. We divorced last December after 16 years. She moved on to someone else more sexually compatible. She is still my person, and I don't think I will ever be in another relationship, and that has been making me sad lately, but I doubt there is anything to do about it. This is what the rest of my life is going to look like, and it sucks.

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This is what the rest of my life is going to look like, and it sucks.

It doesn't have to suck but if that's your expectation then maybe it will. Try being open minded about being single, it's not bad really!

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So this is my first post on here, but I found this thread by searching "divorced," so clearly I have some experience that may be relevant.

I have been divorced for a bit over three years. My ex-H and I were married for almost six years and together (off and on - more on than off) for six years before we got married. I have always had a pretty low libido, and once I got divorced, I did not think at all that it was weird to say to a friend, "I would be perfectly happy to never have sex again."

My marriage ended because my ex-H had an affair that I found out about (his plan was that I would NOT find out), but I was not happily married at all. I didn't feel connected to him at all, but I figured that I had made my bed and would have to lie in it. I now realize that was an irrational belief (I have had lots of therapy), but at the time, I just figured my lot in life was to stay unhappily married. Infidelity was a deal breaker for me, however, so I got my "excuse" to leave.

Back in the day, when I was first exploring sexuality, I knew I was not attracted to women, so I dated men. I have dated three men (and married the one), and I had sexual relationships with two of them. I was never super into sex, but I did definitely have sex, although it was rare for me to initiate, unless I perhaps was a little drunk. I didn't super enjoy sex, and I have always HATED foreplay.

So I have been researching this whole idea of asexuality, and not only did it make sense for someone like me who would happy to never have sex again, but I started thinking about attraction to men vs. women. I have always identified as a heterosexual female, but I have also had very strong relationships with women with feelings that felt almost romantic, without being at all sexual. So I am kind of wondering...am I asexual and homoromantic? It totally makes sense that I might be.

Anyway, being divorced and not having to have sex or even think about it is amazing, and I am really embracing that I am an introvert who really likes being home and living alone. However, I don't know that I want that to be my life forever. I am relatively certain I would not want an asexual relationship with a man because the connection that I would want in a relationship does not seem to be one I would find with a man. But I also don't know that I am really homoromantic...and I don't want to get into the whole "where do I fit in the sexuality spectrum?" thing that seems to be happening in the face of all the hate crimes we have seen lately.

Anyway, I guess that is my intro on the DL? Maybe?

Hi PHX! Thanks for a great first post! Welcome to the AVEN community.

I can empathize with a lot of what you've shared. I was unhappily married for a long time, and I really didn't want to get divorced. But eventually I realized that the sexual pressure I was getting from my husband was oppressive (not to mention he also verbally abused me). Now I am very happily living the introverted single life! It's just me and my dog. :-)

I also understand your questions about romantic orientation. Some of my most emotionally intimate relationships have been with women, and I find many women to be very aesthetically beautiful. I've come to the conclusion that I enjoy emotionally intimate relationships with men and women (and animals). But if I was going to have a long-term relationship that was romantic in nature, it would most likely be with a man. Keep asking yourself good questions and see where your heart takes you.

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Hi Jade! Good topic. I have the feeling a good number of Ace-oriented people force themselves to fit society's mold, to meet expectations of the majority. Conform or you're not normal, right?

Boy, did I get suckered and pressured into complying with the norm and got married to a male friend. He fell in love with me. I thought marriage would somehow magically make me have sexual feelings, make me fit in better, and "cure" my innate lesbian slant. I was young and stupid. That ended in divorce a few years later. I just couldn't get into the sex thing, though I always thought it was really cool how all my friends enjoyed it and I wanted to be part of that "club." I never thought of sex as a bad thing, I just lacked the required interest. The marriage experience made me realize I just had to be true to myself and not force myself to be something I'm not...that just leads to unhappiness and depression. I felt terrible for my friend, it's wasn't his fault for having needs and interest for sex. The divorce let me get out there, sail away on my boat, and find who I was and what I really wanted in life.

Interestingly, when I became comfortable with who I was and dropped feelings of inadequacy, new friends came into my life. Twelve years ago I formed a deep, mutual bond with a guy who is similar to me when it comes to relationships. It's one of those things where we feel like we knew each other before. My culture believes in past lives, so I think our souls have met in other incarnations. There's no pressure of sex hanging over our heads and we see past the thin veil of lust to see and love the beauty that's inside. Though I like looking at women, after meeting my life partner I realized when it comes to real love, it's what on the inside. Once we formed that bond, it was only then I could engage in moderate sexual activity, once in a while, without it feeling unpleasant or a "chore." He has a very mild sex drive. I still have to fight a slight aversion to male sexual parts (the lesbian in me!) but those parts are attached to someone who I share a bond of unconditional love with. Funny, he's kind of gay-ish and is fascinated by my masculine side.

I wouldn't have been ready for such companionship if I hadn't learned to accept myself first.

Divorce really taught me a life lesson, and I wonder why I have to learn things the hard way!

I love your story. Just sailed away on a boat... How awesome! And it's wonderful that you've found a partner that gets you.

I grew up with many male qualities as well. I was always a tomboy and hated almost all things culturally defined as feminine. Yet the cultural pressures did get to me too, I think. My naivety didn't help. It's odd how we just go with the flow of society sometimes, even when we have obvious signs that we don't "fit" the mold. At least we can raise our glass to lessons learned and finding ourselves in the midst of it all.

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