I... don't get breakups

[tali.lynn]

So, my sister is going through a really bad breakup right now and it reminded me that I don't and never did understand breakups. So I just thought I'd mull over my feelings on rocky breakups and relationships with the peeps who may get what the hell I'm talking about.

My sister was the breaker-upper and yet she's spent days crying and upset. I feel bad for her, although it's hard for me to sympathize, she's moping so much and turning down all invites (to bake, go to gym, go on walks, etc). And she's wanted to break up with him for a month! I've never gotten why the breaker-upper would feel so sad at a breakup, I mean if the person wasn't right for them I'd think they'd feel liberated and relieved. Actually, I've never really gotten why people would get so worked up about breakups in general, it seemed to me like if there was a breakup for reasons other than things like family or location issues, it would just be for the best in the long run.

I also never got why people give second chances or compromise on things that are important to them. In the book I'm reading a main character expresses that she loves high heels, but doesn't wear them because her fiancé doesn't like her to be tall. Whenever I heard things like that I could never help but think, "wow, I would be out of there. Why should my partner get to dictate what I can or can't do?". For even something petty like that I couldn't imagine compromising. I never really nor do I now understood how a relationship could change your priorities like that. The character also breaks up with and then later gets back together with said fiancé... who she doesn't even really seem to get along or have much in common with.

Really I don't get why people would want to put time into a relationship that they aren't completely happy with. Obviously no relationship is perfect, but I always felt like, if it's not right why lose sleep over it? Ya know?

And welp, I guess it all makes sense now that I know I'm aro. Anybody else not get relationships and breakups?

[Guest]

Actually, I don't think this is an aro thing... not entirely, anyway. Romantic folk also tend not to get other people's choices and feelings surrounding their relationships. When you're on the outside, it looks completely different than when you're on the inside. The best way to understand it, IMO, is to read up on the psychology of relationships, love, that sorta thing.

Romantic relationships, and to a lesser extent, friendships, are primarily driven by emotion. If you're not the person feeling that emotion, it's like it doesn't exist, so you're left puzzled about why someone would behave the way they behave based on the facts as you see them.

Keep in mind that things happen gradually over time, and that over time, we start getting dependent upon our routines. Imagine if one day you woke up somewhere completely foreign. Could you manage? Sure. It's probably be disruptive though, you'll feel lost, out of sorts... you have to pay attention to everything because it's all different, and you find out quickly that that's exhausting... the goals, dreams, hopes for the future are now all gone and you have to make new ones based on your new surroundings. Will you? Absolutely. Will you sometimes feel empty and hopeless during the process? Absolutely.

That's kinda how it is with breakups. It's actually significantly more disruptive to one's life than it seems like it should be.

[tali.lynn]

Hmm, interesting.

To be completely honest, I have never been a big one for mourning lost relationships. I am deathly afraid of losing my parents (as in death), but really other than that I'm pretty indifferent in general (to people moving away and whatnot, not dying of course). So I suppose I don't relate even in seeing platonic alternatives, which makes it all the more foreign for me.

I think of myself as a pretty sensitive and empathetic person and typically get why people will feel upset over certain things, I do for instance completely get why people will be upset over friends moving away (even though I personally don't get super sad about it) so I think it is a mark of my aromanticism personally that I am completely unable to understand why breakups affect people like they do.

[Amedot]

Dr Helen Fisher has done a lot of research on what's going on in our brains during relationships and breakups. Basically, in a very brief summary, relationships give our brains lovely endorphins. Going through a breakup is like going through a drug withdrawal. Even if you were the one who initiated the breakup, your brain is still having all these chemical changes that can cause a lot of distress.

For the second part of your post, in re: to a fiance not "letting" a woman wear heels etc, I think that's a load of hogwash. In my own experience, that seems to be really common in hetero relationships (specifically, the man not wanting the woman to do something she enjoys due to his own insecurities, like her wearing shoes to seem taller than him). I personally do not tolerate that in my own life.

[tali.lynn]

Dr Helen Fisher has done a lot of research on what's going on in our brains during relationships and breakups. Basically, in a very brief summary, relationships give our brains lovely endorphins. Going through a breakup is like going through a drug withdrawal. Even if you were the one who initiated the breakup, your brain is still having all these chemical changes that can cause a lot of distress.

Yikes... I'm just happy that I won't have to do any of that, ever, to be honest.

For the second part of your post, in re: to a fiance not "letting" a woman wear heels etc, I think that's a load of hogwash. In my own experience, that seems to be really common in hetero relationships (specifically, the man not wanting the woman to do something she enjoys due to his own insecurities, like her wearing shoes to seem taller than him). I personally do not tolerate that in my own life.

Agreed.

[Amedot]

Ending a friendship, to me, is almost identical to ending a romantic relationship. Just because you are aro/ace doesn't necessarily mean you won't experience something like that ;)

[tali.lynn]

Ending a friendship, to me, is almost identical to ending a romantic relationship. Just because you are aro/ace doesn't necessarily mean you won't experience something like that ;)

Oh I mean, I also don't experience distress about ending friendships. I've ended them before, or at least parted ways with people knowing I'm probably not going to see them again or for a long time, and it's just not something that is incredibly hard for me in general.

[spurgle]

In my experience every relationship breakup I've endured has been horrendous, I just cried for days, even if I was the one who decided to end it. But I think I'm more emotional in general than the average guy anyway.. So it could just be be.

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

I get greatly distressed over friends moving away or a friendship ending. I'm terrified that my best friend or my sister might have to move away for a job as they finish their studies...

The one time in my life I had romantic feelings for someone, I lost her to death instead of a breakup, and it was very bad. She was also my best friend and the only person I felt emotionally close to outside of my direct family. I tend to empathize with people going to breakups or being love sick rather well as I reflect the feelings of having lost someone you love into it. I understand the depression people go through. If you love someone, no matter if romantically or as a close friend or a family member, it's like you give them a little piece of your heart, and at least to me it feels like losing that part of my heart when I lose a person I love, be it platonically or romantically.

Sorry for waxing poetical on you guys. :-/

Anyway, I find I'm more confused by the people bouncing back after the bout of breakup depression and eagerly jumping into new relationships, because that's what I can't relate to. I had romantic feelings of any sort once in my life, never before, never again afterwards. Part of me thinks maybe I'm not over her, but it's been ten years and I can't even imagine that I could want a relationship in the future. I ended up in a relationship without actually looking for one or wanting one, then I had one, but although I greatly grieved for my girlfriend as a person, the relationship wasn't what I missed at all. And ever since I stopped being depressed over the loss, I've been back to not at all caring about relationships.

And everyone around me, even while still very sad over a breakup, as soon as they are past the "I'm never dating again" stage, is all "But I need to find myself a boyfriend/girlfriend, because I can't manage not being in a relationship". That's where it stops computing for me on an emotional level and where I have to start rationalising it as "some people aren't happy without romance, even if they have amazing friends and all". I myself need emotional closeness, but I get it through friends. A lot of people I know apparently don't, they require romance "on top of it". Maybe that's another reason why breakups are so bad to them?

[Guest]

For the second part of your post, in re: to a fiance not "letting" a woman wear heels etc, I think that's a load of hogwash. In my own experience, that seems to be really common in hetero relationships (specifically, the man not wanting the woman to do something she enjoys due to his own insecurities, like her wearing shoes to seem taller than him). I personally do not tolerate that in my own life.

Things I don't get about heterosexual relationships... this whole "we're totally different species so it's OK if I treat your stuff like it's insignificant and silly" attitude. I would never, ever tell my partner what to wear, and I would not tolerate being told what to wear in reverse (i mean, unless it was like "honey, your sweatshirt has a giant hole in it, you should consider changing").

[butterflydreams]

Ending a friendship, to me, is almost identical to ending a romantic relationship. Just because you are aro/ace doesn't necessarily mean you won't experience something like that ;)

Except that, at least in my experience, you'll get NO sympathy from others that a breakup would've elicited. When I had a falling out with my best friend, with whom I was very close, and with whom I even let down my walls, my mom's words were, "so what? It's not like you were dating her."

[Telecaster68]

It depends on how important the thing you're sacrificing is, and sometimes it's just nice to do stuff for your partner. It doesn't have to be one partner imposing themselves on the other. I wouldn't watch Grays Anatomy, and it rather annoys me, but it's hardly a major impingement on my humanity if I'm in the same room when my wife wants to watch it. If the heels woman was choosing not to wear heels because of her boyfriend's feelings, then it could be just being considerate. It's very difficult to gauge how willingly stuff like that is done from outside the relationship though, and often from inside it.

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

For the second part of your post, in re: to a fiance not "letting" a woman wear heels etc, I think that's a load of hogwash. In my own experience, that seems to be really common in hetero relationships (specifically, the man not wanting the woman to do something she enjoys due to his own insecurities, like her wearing shoes to seem taller than him). I personally do not tolerate that in my own life.

Things I don't get about heterosexual relationships... this whole "we're totally different species so it's OK if I treat your stuff like it's insignificant and silly" attitude. I would never, ever tell my partner what to wear, and I would not tolerate being told what to wear in reverse (i mean, unless it was like "honey, your sweatshirt has a giant hole in it, you should consider changing").

Just out of curiosity, how's your attitude about things like "You look really good in X, you should wear X more often"?

[Guest]

For the second part of your post, in re: to a fiance not "letting" a woman wear heels etc, I think that's a load of hogwash. In my own experience, that seems to be really common in hetero relationships (specifically, the man not wanting the woman to do something she enjoys due to his own insecurities, like her wearing shoes to seem taller than him). I personally do not tolerate that in my own life.

Things I don't get about heterosexual relationships... this whole "we're totally different species so it's OK if I treat your stuff like it's insignificant and silly" attitude. I would never, ever tell my partner what to wear, and I would not tolerate being told what to wear in reverse (i mean, unless it was like "honey, your sweatshirt has a giant hole in it, you should consider changing").

Just out of curiosity, how's your attitude about things like "You look really good in X, you should wear X more often"?

Strongly in favor!

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

Ending a friendship, to me, is almost identical to ending a romantic relationship. Just because you are aro/ace doesn't necessarily mean you won't experience something like that ;)

Except that, at least in my experience, you'll get NO sympathy from others that a breakup would've elicited. When I had a falling out with my best friend, with whom I was very close, and with whom I even let down my walls, my mom's words were, "so what? It's not like you were dating her."

I can get really mad about statements like this. Some friends are close to each other for many years, and best friends often depend on each other somehow. Disregarding the hurt that comes from losing the friendship is just totally insensitive. The friendship is important to you, so you have any right to be sad. Romantic relationships are not the only important interpersonal bonds people can have. :/

@ Skullery: Good! :) I was wondering for a moment if some people probably don't want to hear that, as it's also technically telling someone what to do, to some extent at least.

[Guest]

Well, it's not demanding or threatening or bartering... it's stating a preference. And in relationships, you kinda want to know what your partner thinks you do or don't look good in. At least, I do. Doesn't mean I'll listen... I wear pants that barely fit and hang down, looking horribly unflattering. I am told this frequently. But I don't care! That's what I like to wear. So, if my partner said "you look really good in tighter pants" I'd say "um, I have some tight jeans, maybe if we go out one night I'll wear those."

Then it becomes a way to show that you're making a particular effort for your partner on a special night. That stuff I think is really good to do in relationships, IMO. It's the difference between a) positive and negative motivation (I'm not going to do something based on your insecurity, but I may do something to make you happy), and b) dressing for you occasionally, as opposed to never wearing heels.

Anyway, my position is talking about feelings is always good. Making demands is always bad. There's a lot of grey area between those two things where manipulation and coercion come in, but I trust most couples are operating as autonomous humans and trust that they'll make the kind of compromises they're OK with, even if they may not be the same as mine.

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

Thanks for elaborating!

[Busrider]

I am apparently a "more independent" person (as the OKCupid tests stated). Adding in my general "Earth to Busrider... - Huh?! - erm, what??" mindset of doing just one thing at a time until I' m really getting distracted, I seem getting along with breakups fairly well. - Out of my view -> out of my mind. One weekend of booze & snooze followed by a couple of shifts at work and I am back on track. - For unknown reasons I can't even verbalize my major relationship conflicts, so I am unlikely to lament about them.

Anyhow: I fear its a gender role issue? - Women are trained & supposed to be the mortar of society. -> Failure of own relationship = huge personal failure.

As a side note: look at all those over-patched relationships with violent when drunk alcoholic partners (just to get an idea of the size of relationship related insanity).

Next puzzle piece: People seem seeking a feeling of being loved (usually not very successfully) so that way the however ill fitting abusive partner still remains incredible important for them. (Keep Einstein in mind, to whom "human stupidity" seemed easier comprehensible infinite than the universe... That really helps me in these cases)

Clothes... IDK. - Some folks dress in a "that isn't my taste" way and I avoid them (at least as potential partners). - I am sure I picked partners for their clothing style (which others might call an absence of such). I did interfere with my ex's wardrobe, but it was on my expense, since kind of my problem too.

[Hermit Advocate]

I can understand agreeing to dress in a way that your partner finds pleasing for special occasions like Skullery Maid said, but never being allowed to wear something you like just because it gives your partner an inferiority complex is not okay. Unless It's an offensive slogan on a t-shirt or something like that. I don't really understand the OP's sister's emotional breakdown over a relationship she wanted to end. I finally worked up the nerve to break up with my SO after a month and a half and I feel absolutely no regret. Quite the opposite, I'm relieved. I no longer have to take time out of my already busy life because I felt obligated to spend a certain amount of my time with my ex-SO every week. Dobby is FREE!!!!

In regards to having a falling out with a friend and how that shouldn't matter as much as a break up with a romantic partner, I call bullshit. Friends are just as important as romantic relationships. I think even more so as there is generally less pressure than in romantic relationships. But that's just my opinion.

[Amedot]

Ending a friendship, to me, is almost identical to ending a romantic relationship. Just because you are aro/ace doesn't necessarily mean you won't experience something like that ;)

Oh I mean, I also don't experience distress about ending friendships. I've ended them before, or at least parted ways with people knowing I'm probably not going to see them again or for a long time, and it's just not something that is incredibly hard for me in general.

For some people, ending romantic relationships aren't incredibly hard to them either! Every person experiences things differently.

[ChillaKilla]

The one and only breakup I went through was the biggest relief of my life. I kinda ran around screaming "FREEDOM!" for a good 5 minutes :P

[SidesSeer]

I think, based on the breakups I've been through, that the loss of hope is the greatest source of pain. Whether you're the breakuper, or the breakupee, you're having to face that this person who you once thought was just right for you, isn't. They're not as wonderful as you thought they were. Even worse, they can't be that wonderful person for you. And while you're in the relationship, there's still hope that they could be. There's still hope that you could love them enough for them to be who you thought they were. But once the romantic tie is cut, the wound is open, and it can make you scream nonstop and uncontrollably. Romance can evilly blind someone that way, and ripping that blindfold off makes the sun very painful to look at. Even when you accept that the breakup is for the best, you're still ripping off something that stuck with you for whatever amount of time. It can be pretty damn painful, letting go of hope, no matter how deluded or irrational or unrealistic you realize it was.

[TiffanyJung]

Ending a friendship, to me, is almost identical to ending a romantic relationship. Just because you are aro/ace doesn't necessarily mean you won't experience something like that ;)

Except that, at least in my experience, you'll get NO sympathy from others that a breakup would've elicited. When I had a falling out with my best friend, with whom I was very close, and with whom I even let down my walls, my mom's words were, "so what? It's not like you were dating her."

Yeesh. That's harsh. Every relationship is important ....Or maybe I'm the only one who feels this way.