New to this - need help

[pussywillow]

Hello,

I am 47 and Steve is 54, and we have been together for about three months, and sex has been an issue from Day 1. He first shared that he has had sexual issues forever. Apparently, he masturbated a lot as a teenager. From this 20s to 40s, he dated women who eventually left because of early ejaculation and/or ability to sustain an erection. He said that previous girlfriend have cried themselves to sleep, feeling unattractive and unwanted.

He initially told me that he is impotent, but I quickly found that this is not true. He can and does become aroused - it simply takes a lot of effort. The only way he is able to climax - well, until a few nights ago - has been through vigorous masturbation while, say, fondling my bits.

My last partner was a porn addict, and exhibited similar behaviors, so I immediately assumed that Steve was overindulging in porn, therefore desensitized and disinterested in sex with me (and, TBH, I'm still not sure that this is not the case).

Steve said he had been masturbating last year, that it wasn't doing much for him, and that he hadn't for quite some time. If we are in bed, he gets agitated if I expect him to ejaculate more than once in 24 hours. He has said it is "exhausting."

One night, he actually fell asleep while we were kissing which upset me. And when we are in bed, passionately kissing, he generally does not get an erection. That only happens if I give him lots of manual stimulation. He does seem to enjoy that, and also enjoys nipple stimulation a great deal.

I really am an understanding, caring, and open-minded woman, but this has been difficult. I have wondered if he is gay? Is he bi? Does he find me to be repulsive? Is it his age? Is it low testosterone? He has actually blamed it on a food allergy, which is something I find highly suspect. With some prodding, he has finally agreed to see a doctor (he hasn't seen a doctor in 10 years, so I want him to go anyway).

In the last few nights, I have just felt like, "why bother?" We kiss, he does not get hard, I go through the same motions to get him hard, and then the only way he can have an orgasm is via masturbation. And then I get oral sex.

We almost never have vaginal sex. However, we have discovered a new position that he enjoys, and three nights ago he was able to orgasm inside of me.

I have tried - badly - to explain to him that there is a certain level of intimacy and closeness that comes from vaginal sex, and that it's something that I need.

I have offered him anal sex, discussed 'pegging,' and tried many other things. He did not like anal when he tried it, and ended that quickly saying that it was uncomfortable. Yet, rather than suggesting we find a way to make it more comfortable (more lubrication), he simply does not want to do it again (and for the record I am not unattractive and practise excellent hygiene).

Steve loves to be in a relationship. He enjoys giving me oral sex, and is quite good at that. He's kind, caring, funny, smart, and most everything else I could hope for in a partner.

Last night, I asked him if he thought he could be asexual and his response was, that he is heterosexual from the 'waist up' and 'asexual from the waist down.' I plan to speak to him about this more later because I am trying to understand what it means for me and for us.

Asexuality never even occurred to me. I have told Steve that I don't want him to feel broken, inadequate, or unlovable. I have been pushing for him to see a doctor mostly because if there is a physical issue, I feel it's only fair that it be addressed. I found myself even feeling angry that he wouldn't WANT to get to the bottom of it.

I realize I must sound like I am 'all over the map,' but I am so confused and trying to understand what this means. I'm not sure at this point if we should try to hash this out in a therapist's office, so that we have a referee of sorts to help us understand each other's needs.

I love my Steve, and want to be there for him. Based on past long-term relationships, I know my sexual drive will eventually calm down (a lot) so I feel that I would be shooting myself in the foot by ending the relationship because of sex issues.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Do you have any advice? Does he sound like an 'ace'?

[Telecaster68]

Yes, check out the Partners, Friends and Allies section of the board. I'm the sexual of a functionally asexual wife.

If he is asexual, you're right, there's nothing broken, and sadly for you, nothing to be fixed. He won't desire you sexually, ever, and if that means he doesn't want to have sex, you're not going to have sex. You might be able to find a compromise where you have sex because he likes giving you pleasure rather than actual lust.

[binary suns]

why does he have to ejaculate or even orgasm in order for him to be acceptable in bed? does he need climax in order to be happy with your relationship? I mean I'm asexual so maybe there's something I don't understand. but when I had a partner, I found that seeing them like sex made me feel pretty happy for them. and the fact that I personally wasn't all that big on the sex part nor climaxing at all if I could avoid it, just the fact that my partner was pleased was pretty cool to me. if my parnter had needed me to climax, all that would've done is make me overfucus on my failures that didn't even exist.

[pussywillow]

Yes, check out the Partners, Friends and Allies section of the board. I'm the sexual of a functionally asexual wife.

If he is asexual, you're right, there's nothing broken, and sadly for you, nothing to be fixed. He won't desire you sexually, ever, and if that means he doesn't want to have sex, you're not going to have sex. You might be able to find a compromise where you have sex because he likes giving you pleasure rather than actual lust.

Thank you! I appreciate your supportive comments.

[pussywillow]

Perhaps because I have been having sex for nearly 30 years, and that is what I am accustomed to.

I did not recall saying that it was about being 'acceptable in bed' - that is your interpretation.

I have been slowly coming to terms with the fact that it doesn't have to be 'that' way, that we can do other things, and am deeply touched by how he has been working hard to make me happy.

Still, I do love the feeling of intimacy that comes from intercourse and knowing that my partner has had an orgasm. Suppose it's just a personal preference. Not sure if I'll really miss it, because I have found that over time, for me and most of my woman friends my age, sex begins to feel tedious.

As I said in the title of my post, I AM NEW AT THIS. It's very different, and I have been struggling for weeks, wondering if it was me, if he wasn't attracted to me because of my weight, appearance, etc.

Learning that he could be asexual, and that it's not me has been a very significant thing for me to wrap my arms around.

why does he have to ejaculate or even orgasm in order for him to be acceptable in bed? does he need climax in order to be happy with your relationship? I mean I'm asexual so maybe there's something I don't understand. but when I had a partner, I found that seeing them like sex made me feel pretty happy for them. and the fact that I personally wasn't all that big on the sex part nor climaxing at all if I could avoid it, just the fact that my partner was pleased was pretty cool to me. if my parnter had needed me to climax, all that would've done is make me overfucus on my failures that didn't even exist.

[Telecaster68]

I'm pretty certain liking intercourse and enjoying making your partner climax is *not* just you, pussy...

Not understanding how the essence of sex is a mutual, not just two people using friction to climax, is a pretty common asexual thing though.