Sexuals + asexuals relationships: What would you rather have?

[MrDane]

This question is for those sexuals in relationship with asexuals (who are ok with it) or for those who are ok with getting into such a relationship:-

What would you rather have?

• An asexual partner who never has sex with you EVER?

• An asexual partner who rarely has sex with you reluctantly and then avoids it showing disinterest or regret or takes it as a 'service' to you with no feeling of enjoyment for them?

• An asexual partner who would rather masturbate (looking at porn or anything else other than you) to relieve the arousal and not have sex?

1= i wont/cant live without sex, but i want her in my life, so i'll be 'forced' to have my sex life elsewhere or at least in an other form, which doesnt involve her!

2= i dislike the word 'reluctantly'! There is a big difference between having sex, once in while for my sake and kind feeling ok about it, but not to often and never because she needs it. Kind of like giving a massage or scratching where i cant reach.

...and the other being, having sexual activities that makes her feel bad during, after and up until next time!

3= i would feel left out and would not understand why we couldnt share this. A slight feeling of betrayal!

I want secret option 4: have sex because we both enjoy it!

...but with the 3 options desribed. I couldnt live with her doing it against her will. I will get angry at her choosing sex without me ( in the long run), so i guess i will have to go with number one, but eventually i will get sex elsewhere, and then she might end the relationship, because of that!

[darknova42]

For me regardless of whether or not my partner were sexual or asexual I'd want to discuss things to set boundaries and limits. Communicating is important. I'd be anxious groping around in the dark trying things hesitantly to see if they like it never knowing when I'll get my hand burned.

I don't know if it means I'm kinky but that part of the concept of bdsm appeals to me. Talking things out setting "hard limits", things you/they absolutely won't do, or "soft limits", things you/they aren't for any reason ready for quite yet. "Soft limits" can be things like something you/they haven't ever tried before and reserve the right to make it a "hard limit", maybe you're just not at that point in your relationship where you're comfortable doing that, or maybe it isn't something you're interested in all the time.

For me if those kind of boundaries were set then I'd respect them no matter what they were. If it meant that my partner just wasn't interested in sex at all then I'd be satisfied with whatever is within the boundaries. Not being able to find satisfaction without breaching those limits or infringing upon them would be a failure on my part.

[Guest]

Tickling, massages, hugging and cuddling all work pretty well on a mutual level. Also, sometimes I get to grope my girlfriend's boobies, which if done right she also gets something out of, as she's very sensitive to touch in the area just below. Oh, and she's kind of enthusiastically agreed to try out dressing in some "sexy" clothes the next time she visits, and while we don't yet know whether we'll enjoy that, it's at least something to try.

Honestly, the issue I often see with asexuals in mixed relationships is that they've learned not to do anything remotely sexual with their partner, because they know their partner will then expect sex out of them. My partner is very firm on her boundaries, which means we'd never have sex if she wasn't okay with it, which means we get to do "sexual-ish" things freely.

I've seen sexuals here say that having an ace partner who actively desires sensual activity but won't have sex makes it so much worse for them.. They compared it to being starving and having a feast laid out before you that you're only allowed to smell, but never eat. They said they'd prefer it if their partner didn't want that stuff because then they wouldn't feel this ''torture'' every time their partner and them are sensual together. So it totally just depends on the sexual in the relationship as to whether or not they're okay with sensual activity but not sexual activity!