Sexuals + asexuals relationships: What would you rather have?

[damage_case]

This question is for those sexuals in relationship with asexuals (who are ok with it) or for those who are ok with getting into such a relationship:-

What would you rather have?

• An asexual partner who never has sex with you EVER?
  
• An asexual partner who rarely has sex with you reluctantly and then avoids it showing disinterest or regret or takes it as a 'service' to you with no feeling of enjoyment for them?
  
• An asexual partner who would rather masturbate (looking at porn or anything else other than you) to relieve the arousal and not have sex?

[God of the Forest]

This would have been an awesome poll question in the census forum

[Lz_erk]

The third choice I generally fall into and could get along fine with. I wouldn't understand people from A or B as well.

[Daniel John Sheaffer]

I would like an asexual girlfriend that still only wants to have sex to have kids. But that's like finding a needle in a cornfield.

[damage_case]

I would like an asexual girlfriend that still only wants to have sex to have kids. But that's like finding a needle in a cornfield.

So you're so into raising a biological kid(s)... that you're ok with your wife letting you have sex with her one-two times in her life... i think IVF works for that one... she may deny actual intercourse.

[Euphemus]

I don't know if I can really handle any of those options, especially the third one, since they're kinda extreme. I can understand if it starts like that, but I feel like I would always feel disconnected to a degree. I mean in the third option, clearly those desires/urges exist but they would rather squash them than attempt to open up and that would just bother me to no end.

I just want someone who doesn't ask much from me, cuz I won't from them, but is comfortable enough to be down for whatever if the moment strikes. I can respect people with limits and personal reservations, but I can't be with someone who wouldn't challenge my own limits as much as I would test theirs (intellectual, physical, whatever). Otherwise our exploration and understanding of each other would never truly be complete and that would make our union somewhat pointless to a degree.

[Tarfeather]

Those sound like odd choices.. How about an asexual who will agree to do sensual things to address my sexual desires to some extent?

[damage_case]

Those sound like odd choices.. How about an asexual who will agree to do sensual things to address my sexual desires to some extent?

Its the same like expecting someone who is a heterosexual to indulge in minor homosexual stuff here n there... I guess if a person is an asexual.. they cant really indulge in any sexual activity right? Or maybe Im wrong.

[Guest]

I notice some asexuals and greys have answered with which they would prefer :P obviously we are going to prefer one of those options haha, but I think most sexuals would just prefer someone who actively desires to engage in sex with them, if given the choice. Out of those three, well any would be tricky for most sexual people, though some sexuals+asexuals can still make a mixed relationship work depending on a number of factors ^_^

I am the third kind of ace, I will always masturbate to relieve arousal and never have sex (I can't relieve arousal through sex anyway) but I am very sensual and enjoy romantic intimacy. I'll only have relationships with other aces and/or greys though, plus I'm not sexual so the question isn't aimed at me anyway.

Those sound like odd choices.. How about an asexual who will agree to do sensual things to address my sexual desires to some extent?

Its the same like expecting someone who is a heterosexual to indulge in minor homosexual stuff here n there... I guess if a person is an asexual.. they cant really indulge in any sexual activity right? Or maybe Im wrong.

Not exactly. Sensual activity is a bit different. That might be kissing your partners body or giving them a long sensual massage, or bathing with them, or cuddling them naked (edit: or they might want to give the ace the massage and/or kiss the aces body) There are many sensual aces who enjoy that sort of thing without ever wanting that to lead to sex (anything involving their own or their partners genitals) ..Maybe naked kissing and cuddling while the sexual partner masturbates themself? is that sort of what you mean Tar?

[NerotheReaper]

Good question.

If I did date another asexual, I would hope we could have kids. But then again there are also a lot of kids who need to be adopted.

[Tarfeather]

Tickling, massages, hugging and cuddling all work pretty well on a mutual level. Also, sometimes I get to grope my girlfriend's boobies, which if done right she also gets something out of, as she's very sensitive to touch in the area just below. Oh, and she's kind of enthusiastically agreed to try out dressing in some "sexy" clothes the next time she visits, and while we don't yet know whether we'll enjoy that, it's at least something to try.

Honestly, the issue I often see with asexuals in mixed relationships is that they've learned not to do anything remotely sexual with their partner, because they know their partner will then expect sex out of them. My partner is very firm on her boundaries, which means we'd never have sex if she wasn't okay with it, which means we get to do "sexual-ish" things freely.

[HighDrive]

This question is for those sexuals in relationship with asexuals (who are ok with it) or for those who are ok with getting into such a relationship:-

What would you rather have?

• An asexual partner who never has sex with you EVER?

• An asexual partner who rarely has sex with you reluctantly and then avoids it showing disinterest or regret or takes it as a 'service' to you with no feeling of enjoyment for them?

• An asexual partner who would rather masturbate (looking at porn or anything else other than you) to relieve the arousal and not have sex?

Knowing that these are incomplete options (there are many other alternatives) I think I'm right now on 1.

2 would be very difficult for at least two reasons: The most pleasurable part of sex for me is to give pleasure; I would feel guilty of feeling that I am forcing her to do something she finds uncomfortable.

3 would be just frustrating. If Asexuality is already difficult to understand and accept, I don't know how I could handle that the sexuality gets projected somewhere else when I'm available and willing.

[Busrider]

1st of all, I envy Tarfeather for his girlfriend's attitude, which sounds very desirable to me.

Having to pick something from the list: "An asexual partner who never has sex with you EVER" or as plan B: "An asexual partner who would rather masturbate (looking at porn or anything else other than you) to relieve the arousal and not have sex", provided their "porn" of choice is ""porn"" not "porn" in my eyes. - Panficto would be a perfect example of that breed, but My Little Pony fandom could cut the cake splendidly too.

[Telecaster68]

My Little Pony fandom would be a dealbreaker for me.

Immovable No 1 would only be okay if I was able to get some kind of sexual activity elsewhere, and even then, very much less than ideal. Otherwise, it would mean no more sex for me, ever, and I can't do that.

No 3 would leave me very unsettled - emotionally, I wouldn't be able to get past my partner having some kind of sexuality but not wanting to share it with me. Rationally, I know asexuals just don't work like this, but it would would hurt, a lot - it's a refusal of intimacy (they're obviously free to choose not to share that intimacy, but that's what they're doing)..

No 2 is closest to what I've got, but there is some minimal level of enjoyment on my wife's part. It's not quite starfish, but any pleasure she gets from it is mental rather than physical.

[Nigellaseed]

Not sure what you mean by my little pony bit? Could you two explain?

[SoyCaptain]

I would rather have an asexual partner who never has sex with me ever. I think for me option three might lead to some feelings of rejection.

[m4rble]

Not sure what you mean by my little pony bit? Could you two explain?

Some mlp fans make sexual fanart but they aren't the majority. Telecaster dislikes mlp fans because he thinks they're immature.

[Telecaster68]

There are lots of otherwise apparently adult posters on AVEN, and in general who are obsessive about My Little Pony. Diss it at your peril...

[Tarfeather]

MLP is alright, 5/10 :3

[Nigellaseed]

Sometimes ignorance is bliss!

[OutsideObserver]

Assuming there was a gun to my head, I'd choose option 2.

But assuming there wasn't a gun to my head, I wouldn't be in the position to make that choice to begin with.

[Chardog]

There's something that never gets addressed in these situations- the ace who might actually genuinely enjoy doing things to their partner, but just doesn't want reciprocation.. The giver "gets off" per se on getting someone else off, they're not just doing it to make their partner happy. Along the vein of "stone butch" in lesbian terms (but not necessarily lesbian).

[damage_case]

There's something that never gets addressed in these situations- the ace who might actually genuinely enjoy doing things to their partner, but just doesn't want reciprocation.. The giver "gets off" per se on getting someone else off, they're not just doing it to make their partner happy. Along the vein of "stone butch" in lesbian terms (but not necessarily lesbian).

In other words partner uses hands/oral to satisfy the partner but not their genitals. Right?

[nanogretchen4]

If they do it for their own sexual pleasure they are not asexual.

[damage_case]

If they do it for their own sexual pleasure they are not asexual.

Many asexuals masturbate... some imagine, some use porno, some use anime, some use erotic novels, someone like me sexts/exchanges pictures.

How would you define us?

[probablypandas]

I don’t really like any of these answers. They all assume the partner is very sex-repulsed. I would take 1 and 3, because those traits could easily be in one person. Like the person doesn’t ever want to have sex, but the person does like to masturbate. Sounds fine.

Option 2 is just weird. I wouldn’t ask a partner that regrets and does not enjoy doing sexual things to DO sexual things. It sounds like the partner in option 1,2, and 3 is just one person, and he/she is awkwardly trying to do things he/she doesn’t really feel like doing.

[nanogretchen4]

Damage case, I know that many asexuals use porn and so forth. But if someone has the desire to use their partner's genitals for their own sexual gratification, that person is not asexual.

[damage_case]

Damage case, I know that many asexuals use porn and so forth. But if someone has the desire to use their partner's genitals for their own sexual gratification, that person is not asexual.

Good. Thats why I mentioned pt. 3 at the start of the thread.

Although... its a controversial topic... Ive encountered many 'asexuals' here who have regular sex.

[OutsideObserver]

Damage case, I know that many asexuals use porn and so forth. But if someone has the desire to use their partner's genitals for their own sexual gratification, that person is not asexual.

Good. Thats why I mentioned pt. 3 at the start of the thread.

Although... its a controversial topic... Ive encountered many 'asexuals' here who have regular sex.

Willingness to have sex is not an indication of asexuality. Having an innate desire to have sex is. Asexuals who have sex with someone they are in a relationship with are still asexuals.

[spoopswoop]

My ideal relationship would be just hugging, cuddles, and kisses. Honestly, I don't like making out too much, so if that could be a minimum that would be preferred.
I'd be willing to have kids, but I think the idea of adopting a child sounds even better. c: