aromantic asexual with questions and no one to talk to (brief talk of masturbation)

[wolfschild]

So, it’s only within the past six months or so that I’ve articulated to myself (and others – four of them, to be exact, one on anon on tumblr) that I’m almost definitely asexual. Pretty sure I’ve known it for longer but never actually thought about it.

But in hindsight… yeah. When I began developing crushes in middle and high school, I sometimes imagined kissing but it was usually cuddling. Never anything more. And I’ve always been bothered by sex scenes in movies and TV, and I skim them in books. I have the occasional sex dreams but always feel weird after I wake up.

I’ve been wondering for a couple months now if you can be sex repulsed without ever having sex, or even kissing. Like, how would you know for sure? But I find the thought of ever having sexual contact to be, well… repulsive. And if I wanted to have it, I surely would’ve found a way by now, right? I mean, I turned 28 in February. So if I really wanted sex, I’m pretty sure I’d have managed it by now.

Another question I have: is the fact that I’ve never successfully masturbated because I don’t feel sexual whatever? Like, I try, and it feels like something should happen -- but then it doesn’t and I get bored. I have looked at porn but only the non-real people kind; real life actor/sex tapes whatever freak me out, so. But even with the porn, I get bored after awhile.

And in the past couple of days, I realized I’m probably aromantic? When I told my mother I’m asexual, she said she was worried about me getting lonely. One of my sisters told the other (and felt bad after, since she hadn’t asked if she could tell people) and the other said I just hadn’t found the right person yet. But I’ve never wanted to date, or felt the need to even look for someone. And when my little sister (the first person I told) describes her relationship with her fiancé (and what I’ve witnessed in the five years they’ve been dating) – I don’t get it. The need for someone else; the desire. It doesn’t appeal to me and I don’t feel it. Which is being aromantic, right?

I’m a writer and my only real life friend keeps coming to me for romantic advice. She knows I’ve never dated, but I’ve read so much. I’ve watched movies and TV shows, and basically, what I tell her is what I’ve written. What I’ve seen. I don’t want to date (anyone; I thought it was biromantic or panromantic for a little while, because I’ve admired a lot of forms). When I was explaining it to my mom, she said she didn’t think I was asexual because I get ‘crushes’ on actors/musicians but I said, “I like looking at pretty things; I just don’t want to touch them.”

I tried talking about this with my therapist but I wasn’t sure how to say it. I don’t really connect with people in real life; I have my family and have never felt the need to branch out. Recently, I’ve been wondering if it’s part of being asexual or something else. As a result, I don’t really have anyone to discuss any of this with, and it’s probably been adding to my stress lately. (I’m defending my thesis this week; my little sister is getting married later this month and moved out to live with her fiancé at the start of the year; I have multiple health issues that cause chronic pain; and I have absolutely no idea what to do after I’ve gotten my degree (if I pass the defense, which god I hope I do).)

So. Hi. I am really pretty sure I’m an aromantic asexual. For some reason, I kinda want to cry now.

[damage_case]

So, it’s only within the past six months or so that I’ve articulated to myself (and others – four of them, to be exact, one on anon on tumblr) that I’m almost definitely asexual. Pretty sure I’ve known it for longer but never actually thought about it.

But in hindsight… yeah. When I began developing crushes in middle and high school, I sometimes imagined kissing but it was usually cuddling. Never anything more. And I’ve always been bothered by sex scenes in movies and TV, and I skim them in books. I have the occasional sex dreams but always feel weird after I wake up.

I’ve been wondering for a couple months now if you can be sex repulsed without ever having sex, or even kissing. Like, how would you know for sure? But I find the thought of ever having sexual contact to be, well… repulsive. And if I wanted to have it, I surely would’ve found a way by now, right? I mean, I turned 28 in February. So if I really wanted sex, I’m pretty sure I’d have managed it by now.

Another question I have: is the fact that I’ve never successfully masturbated because I don’t feel sexual whatever? Like, I try, and it feels like something should happen -- but then it doesn’t and I get bored. I have looked at porn but only the non-real people kind; real life actor/sex tapes whatever freak me out, so. But even with the porn, I get bored after awhile.

And in the past couple of days, I realized I’m probably aromantic? When I told my mother I’m asexual, she said she was worried about me getting lonely. One of my sisters told the other (and felt bad after, since she hadn’t asked if she could tell people) and the other said I just hadn’t found the right person yet. But I’ve never wanted to date, or felt the need to even look for someone. And when my little sister (the first person I told) describes her relationship with her fiancé (and what I’ve witnessed in the five years they’ve been dating) – I don’t get it. The need for someone else; the desire. It doesn’t appeal to me and I don’t feel it. Which is being aromantic, right?

I’m a writer and my only real life friend keeps coming to me for romantic advice. She knows I’ve never dated, but I’ve read so much. I’ve watched movies and TV shows, and basically, what I tell her is what I’ve written. What I’ve seen. I don’t want to date (anyone; I thought it was biromantic or panromantic for a little while, because I’ve admired a lot of forms). When I was explaining it to my mom, she said she didn’t think I was asexual because I get ‘crushes’ on actors/musicians but I said, “I like looking at pretty things; I just don’t want to touch them.”

I tried talking about this with my therapist but I wasn’t sure how to say it. I don’t really connect with people in real life; I have my family and have never felt the need to branch out. Recently, I’ve been wondering if it’s part of being asexual or something else. As a result, I don’t really have anyone to discuss any of this with, and it’s probably been adding to my stress lately. (I’m defending my thesis this week; my little sister is getting married later this month and moved out to live with her fiancé at the start of the year; I have multiple health issues that cause chronic pain; and I have absolutely no idea what to do after I’ve gotten my degree (if I pass the defense, which god I hope I do).)

So. Hi. I am really pretty sure I’m an aromantic asexual. For some reason, I kinda want to cry now.

You are crying because you read all these definitions and labels and want to stick to one but then some twist comes in your life/mind and you get confused.

Life is colorful. Black , white, grey... it doesnt matter. Submit and surrender to life... and dont worry about where it takes you. If tomorrow a twist comes in your libido or life and you start bouncing off disco walls and having sex with men/women... just take it as it comes it doesnt matter really.

Many asexuals masturbate. Many even find some people physically appealing.. enough to the point of even day dreaming about them... some even imagine having sex. But since they arent pouncing on that certain individual in real life... thats why they are asexuals. They dont need it... they might desire it here n there... but not completely. They'd rather NOT do it.

As far as your mother or your fear of dying alone. We all have that fear. No person is 100% independent in life. But life doesnt work that way. We cant always get what we want. Some people are living a great life and next day a tsunami comes and they become beggars/homeless.

Its just twists n turns. Maybe tomorrow you will get someone on the same wavelength. Maybe not. But worrying about it might lead to wrong decisions.

[melancholy-sweet]

You have so much going on! That sounds really challenging and I appreciate how willing you are to question and try to understand yourself despite how important people in your life invalidate your identity.

Many female-bodied people and/or women have trouble masturbating. A local sex-positive, feminist, eco-friendly sex shop in my town just answered this question from an anonymous individual. Their response was long, but here are some of their tips (which I have paraphrased a bit, denoted with ellipses [...]): "Part of the confusion here is the idea that there is one thing called an "orgasm" and that it is the goal of sexual touch. alet me lay that right to rest. Orgasms come from many sources in the body and can feel very different depending on context, area(s) being stimulated, and your feelings about sex in general...My first advice to you is to let go of the idea that you must reach orgasm when you masturbate...Explore your body and it's sensitivity. Try tapping, stroking, grazing, tickling along your external clitoral gland (that super sensitive spot right at the "top" of your vaginal lips)...Vary your position...If all of this feels lovely but you haven't yet felt anything that seems like an orgasm, consider using a vibrator. It isn't uncommon for clitorises to enjoy very intense stimulation." Feel free to message me if you would like the whole article!

Coming into your own understandings of asexualty and aromanticism can be incredibly empowering, but very frustrating if you don't have the support of family members, friends, or peers. We are inundated with normative messages of sex and romance, which leaves many of us on AVEN feeling very alienated. The way our friends and family may negatively react to our coming out further reinforces these ideas of what is "normal" without challenging other ways in which people might have regular and fulfilling lives. I suggest that you continue to break new ground for yourself in talking with your therapist while in the mean time developing or continuing with self-care practices that help relieve some of the crisis of both your physical pain and distressing social interactions. Not that you didn't already know that, but sometimes it's nice to have a reminder. :]

And I think you can be sex-repulsed without having had sexual experiences! Many people on this site share or have shared this experience. The way you know for sure is not a clear cut path. Some people need the experimentation to understand. Some people do not and intrinsically understand what their needs and boundaries are. Needing to have a definable and discrete answer for these questions is one of the problematic symptoms of living in a heteronormative world that asks for those who lie outside of heterosexuality or allosexuality to to justify our identities instead of just believing us and giving us the agency over our bodies and minds that allosexuals have without being questioned about it. There are plenty of sexual people who know they want sex without having had it. Sure, some of this is cultural programming, but a lot of it is just wired into their biology. Why can't it go the other way?

I'm sorry there are no easy answers, wolfschild. Good luck with your thesis!

[Baam]

Hello! People before me have answered your questions very well, so I won't repeat their advice.

But I'm also an aromantic asexual if you want another to talk to. It's interesting that you had crushes in middle school - were you not always aromantic? Do you know about squishes? Just mentioning this because I mistook my squishes for crushes before I knew what they were. Some people consider kissing and cuddling as platonic things, as well.

Good luck with defending your thesis! I know this is a bit of a shitty piece of advice, but try not to worry about this aromantic/asexual stuff too much. It's something that you should reflect on over a long period of time, and there's really nothing you can do by stewing about it and getting all stressed out.

[Lilsi]

Hey!

Welcome and just so you know.. reading what you have typed is pretty much the same as what i've felt also. I feel the same with the celeb crushes, i like the character but don't want to touch them :p As for the masturbating thing! Younger i tried watching F/F F/M M/M to see if anything was interesting and it was all a bit meh, i have tried Anime as well which i was more curious about. But the same thing, occasionally i will try but it builds up to a bit nothing and left wondering why people bother. If i have achieved an orgasm i don't get why people are so crazy about it. So i assume i've not. Who knows!

But you're not alone on how you are feeling!

[wolfschild]

Thanks, all of y'all! I was feeling very vulnerable when I posted but I'm feeling much better.

Baam, I do not know the difference between a squish and a crush.

[kelico]

Welcome to AVEN! Thank you for sharing your story with us! You're not alone...you'll find a lot of supportive people that can relate to you here. : ) And it seems like you've already gotten great advice.

A squish is a platonic crush, so like feelings that you'd really want to become friends with a person. A crush is romantic attraction. It can be confusing to figure these things out, so just take your time exploring! As for masturbating, some people do and some people don't (I'm one of the don'ts and never tried), so there's nothing wrong if that isn't something you want to do...and it's totally possible to be sex repulsed without having had sex yourself! I'm the same way. I've never had sex, but I know I'm sex-repulsed. I can't handle watching sex scenes, and I get very grossed out if I imagine myself in a sexual situation...so yeah.

Best wishes, and I hope you enjoy being a member!

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome! This is a great place to learn more about the things you're feeling and even how to talk to other people about it. You might want to check out the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum. I hope you love being a member here...as you can see the people here are really friendly and supportive! :)

[wolfschild]

Okay, in hindsight, those may have been squishes. Thank you both!

[Starry Sky]

Welcome to AVEN!! Everyone here tries their best to be helpful and give useful advice as you can see : ) We have a friendly, supportive community. I hope everyone above was helpful to you! ...Wow, you've got a lot going on at the moment : O Good luck with your thesis! I hope you enjoy being a member here!!

[wolfschild]

I successfully defended! So since I'm not going to be doing anything until Monday, I'll have time to poke around here.

Oh my god, I'm so relieved.

Again, thank you all for being so welcoming!

[wolfschild]

So today I realized that tomorrow at the reception of my little sister's wedding (of which I am the maid of honor), I will probably be asked by family members when my own wedding will happen. I'm not sure why my mind keeps trying to freak out about that; is it because I've finally realized that I will never find someone I actually want to commit to?

On the way to the rehearsal last night, I almost asked my favorite aunt if she knows what asexuality is; she's an awesome person, and we share a lot of the same views, and I'm almost certain she'd react the same way my mom did (confused acceptance), but... I didn't ask. Then tonight, when I was leaving my parents' house, I asked my dad (who has been very emotional lately because of the wedding) if it would bother him if I never married. He said it didn't but also, "Never say never."

I am fairly sure that I will be the only person over twenty at the wedding who doesn't have a significant other. Maybe a couple of the groom's friends?

I guess lately I've just been thinking about the reasons people date/why I never have, because of the wedding. Which is tomorrow. And I really don't want to be asked when I'll bring a guy home/get married, but I suppose I'll just smile and shrug.