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Kissing


opalangel

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Hermit Advocate

Can't we have actual discussions or is that too difficult?

Reality is that if I don't take your question rhetorically, the answer is "yes", when some of us are in the " make out" mood it is very difficult to have a conversation. It's annoying.

That's why discovering that our partner is an ace helps as we now don't have that expectation.

Make out mood? I get what you're saying, I've just never experienced it before. My past reactions to people wanting to make out with me have been "what the hell can I do to distract the person, I really, really don't want to make out! It's so annoying."

Would sexuals be willing to be in a relationship with an ace without any kissing? Just what is it that makes people so into kissing? Just wondering if anyone has any insight.

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I think some people actually like the sensation of kissing. Weird, huh? Some people talk about kissing the way I talk about chocolate, so I assume their experience is very different from mine.

I, personally, have never enjoyed anything more than light, dry kisses. There is a small chance I'd enjoy kissing more deeply with someone very patient and considerate, but that hasn't happened yet so ... *shrug* As far as I know it's going to be something I either tolerate or avoid if I'm ever in another romantic relationship.

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I find kissing to be ackward and I can only barely tolerate it. I prefer to not do it if I can avoid it.

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Also, there are intersex people who are born with more than two sex chromosomes and sometimes reproductive organs of both sexes. (If anyone else wants to jump in here, I'd greatly appreciate it. I hope I haven't said anything incorrectly.)

I feel so dumb now. I had realised/deduced that it was probably something to do with being one gender and feeling another, but hadn't got the acronym.

With Intersex people then would it be AIAB?

Thanks for explaining :)

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PhoenixButterfly

Actually, no. This is from the Wikipedia article about Sex Assignment:

Observation or recognition of an infant's sex may be complicated in the case of intersex infants and children, and in cases of early trauma. In such cases, sex assignment is generally taken to require medical treatment to confirm that assignment, but this is disputed in part due to the human rights implications of such treatment.[5][12]

Intersex is a broadly defined term that usually denotes the presence of atypical sex characteristics: at least some aspect of the genitalia, internal organs, gonadal tissue, or chromosomes is more typical of the other sex. When the external genitalia appear to be in between, they are described as ambiguous.[13]

In approximately 1 in 2,000 infants, there is enough variation in the appearance of the external genitalia to merit hesitation about appropriate assignment by the physician involved.[14] Typical examples would be an unusually prominent clitoris in an otherwise apparently typical girl, or complete cryptorchidism or mild hypospadias in an otherwise apparently typical boy. In most of these cases, a sex is tentatively assigned and the parents told that tests will be performed to confirm the apparent sex. Typical tests in this situation might include a pelvic ultrasound to determine the presence of a uterus, a testosterone or 17-hydroxyprogesterone level, and/or a karyotype. In some of these cases a pediatric endocrinologist is consulted to confirm the tentative sex assignment. The expected assignment is usually confirmed within hours to a few days in these cases.

In a much smaller proportion of cases, the process of assignment is more complex, and involves both determining what the biological aspects of sex may be and choosing the best sex assignment for the purposes of rearing the child. Approximately 1 in 20,000[citation needed] infants is born with enough ambiguity that assignment becomes a more drawn-out process of multiple tests and intensive education of the parents about sexual differentiation. In some of these cases, it is clear that the child will face physical difficulties or social stigma as he or she grows up, and deciding upon the sex of assignment involves weighing the advantages and disadvantages of either assignment.

TL;DR: To answer your question, no, even intersex people are assigned either female or male at birth. It's just more complicated to determine. And, in cases where there are both male and female sex organs, sometimes surgery is performed on the infant in an attempt to make their external anatomy only male or female and not both. There is a lot of controversy over this now. That being said, an intersex person may or may not identify as their assigned sex.

Additional reading: http://www.isna.org/

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Would sexuals be willing to be in a relationship with an ace without any kissing?

I have no idea if such alos exist. For me it would really be more like a platonic relationship.

But I haven't been on that situation. My GF though sex repulsed, still likes cuddles and kissing. (I toned down my kissing to romantic kissing instead of sexual kissing, romantic hugs and touch rather than sexual, etc. and now we both enjoy)

I do totally understand the kiss repulsion. Objectively speaking it's a weird and disgusting act to exchange spit with someone else. I just happen to enjoy it more than chocolate. :) go figure.

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DragonflytotheMoon

Personally, I love kissing & can do it for hours. There's many forms of kissing. When you have a partner, how you kiss them can vary. Depending on mood, for one. It can just be soft & sweet. Or, it can more passionate. And, everything in between. For me, it's much more about an emotional connection. Affection & romantic sort of thing. Though, with my husband, it can sometimes be more. I'm glad that he's also ok if it doesn't lead to anything else. If it's expected, then, it's not going to be any good, for either of us.

I think, for those of us who do enjoy kissing, it's part of a special bond we share with our partner. I guess it can be sexual for some. It goes back to emotional for me. I know some people will kiss on the first date. I had with other guys/women. Now, I wish I hadn't. For me, it's something you only share with those you're really connected to. Not something you do with just anyone. I may be wrong, but, I believe those who would kiss those they barely know are more sexually driven. Which would ruin it for me.

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PhoenixButterfly

I think, for those of us who do enjoy kissing, it's part of a special bond we share with our partner. I guess it can be sexual for some. It goes back to emotional for me. I know some people will kiss on the first date. I had with other guys/women. Now, I wish I hadn't. For me, it's something you only share with those you're really connected to. Not something you do with just anyone. I may be wrong, but, I believe those who would kiss those they barely know are more sexually driven. Which would ruin it for me.

I suppose the same could be said about lovemaking as opposed to just casual sex. I've never understood how anyone can have a one-night stand or friends with "benefits" or a "booty" call. I suppose it's because I'm a demisexual and I've never been in any kind of non-platonic relationship before nor have I ever been on a date. I still have a lot of relationship-related firsts to experience.

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Actually making out is a taught behavior (though obviously not everyone takes to teachings). And there's interesting science behind it (e.g. some people need it to trigger attraction), so i wonder how cultures without making out mentally differ.

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Confusedloveally

I have always felt that way, especially in middle school when it comes to the opposite sex. (technically both or all tree sexes in middle school.) To me I feel like my repulsive feeling create a physical barrier between me and people I care about. I have kissed before after I figured out what I was sexually and romantically and after some of them I felt regretful while others were euphoric. The experience is not really terrible regardless of what it feels like afterwards. My advice would be to only kiss people that you are sexually or romantically attracted to (sexually more so), but everyone is different so I do not have all the answers.

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I'm not quite sure what is happening, but at 55 I've met somebody that I just can't kiss enough.

I've been anti-kissing my entire life.

I tried to fight it, but I have lost.

Not sure if this is good news or bad news for the thread, but I wanted to share.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Actually making out is a taught behavior (though obviously not everyone takes to teachings). And there's interesting science behind it (e.g. some people need it to trigger attraction)

That's so interesting.

I'm not quite sure what is happening, but at 55 I've met somebody that I just can't kiss enough.

Awww! :wub:

I hope it's still going well for you, Tase.

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I love kissing. BUT on an early date 16 y/o +/- I was dating a sister of friend - she tried to gobble my head (upper) and it really turned me off. She had a very large mouth. Later during same time period I had much better experience but all started off gently.

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Urari Ysasi

My first kiss felt a bit forced, but as I engaged in kissing more and more, I began to appreciate and enjoy it for its romantic aspects. While not sexual, it was meaningful to be able to connect with someone that personally. For some people who might not have started as gradually as I did or who are just aversed to it, I can see why it would seem so repulsive or uncomfortable. It's really more of a learned behavior, and when you meet someone that is patient enough to learn with you, it is the greatest feeling in the world.

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I totally missed something from a while ago:

I do totally understand the kiss repulsion. Objectively speaking it's a weird and disgusting act to exchange spit with someone else.

I had heard (and this was on the Millionaire Matchmaker, so I don't know how scientifically correct it is) that kissing involves the transfer of chemicals such as testosterone that help a brain decide that yep, this is a good mate or nope, run.

That of course would help with soociety's ideal of the masculine man.`

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Hermit Advocate

I had heard (and this was on the Millionaire Matchmaker, so I don't know how scientifically correct it is) that kissing involves the transfer of chemicals such as testosterone that help a brain decide that yep, this is a good mate or nope, run.

That of course would help with soociety's ideal of the masculine man.`

Sorry, I found this a bit confusing. So does this work for both men and women? If so that would explain one of the reasons why I wanted to crawl in a hole and die every time my ex wanted to make out. He was a nice guy but a terrible, and I mean terrible, kisser. I still get grossed out thinking about it.

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I don't think there's an exchange of chemicals, but yes, making out does release hormones in the brain which often literally start or end attraction to the other person if done right/wrong. Which makes cultures/people that don't make out scientifically interesting.

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IAmBadWolf

I've read that kissing also allows you to taste protein markers in your partner's saliva. It's a subconscious thing, but people tend to prefer kissing partners whose genes are different from their own--which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, because the less similar your genetic codes, the greater chance your children will be healthy.

http://news.utexas.edu/2011/02/07/a-kiss-is-not-just-a-kiss

Then there's this theory, which is just plain weird and uncomfortable:

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306987709006380

(tl;dr kissing may have evolved as a way to boost a woman's immune system in preparation for pregnancy)

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RiseOfCourage

Hi Opalangel, you're not alone on this. As a teen growing up, me and another girl in my class had an aversion to kissing and no interest in dating. I never judged the activity as "bad," there was just no interest anymore than my aversion to walking barefoot on gravel. It's unpleasant. I only talk about my cultural background on these forums to help explain where I'm coming from (dont care about race otherwise), but I recently learned my ancestors didn't kiss like Europeans do. So maybe some of this is in our genetics? (Many folks are such a mix of unique ethnicities and they often don't know their ancestral history.)

That doesn't mean we don't love any less, we just show affection in different ways other than exchanging saliva.

In a relationship it's best to be honest from the start, that way, if the person truly respected you for who you are, they're worth getting to know. If they don't understand or make demands that make you uncomfortable, they're not worth your time.

In my late 30s, a male best friend and I developed a deep bond. It feels like on a "soul" level, and we don't care about what gender or focus on the physical body. It's only because of this bond that I don't mind kissing this one particular person, but it's still weird to me. He's not highly sexed, so I got lucky.

I think companionship can be deeper and more meaningful when the shallow energies of lust are not in the way. Sexual energies can be very intrusive and "clingy" to someone who's not seeking such.

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Siimo van der fietspad

I've read that kissing also allows you to taste protein markers in your partner's saliva. It's a subconscious thing, but people tend to prefer kissing partners whose genes are different from their own--which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, because the less similar your genetic codes, the greater chance your children will be healthy.

http://news.utexas.edu/2011/02/07/a-kiss-is-not-just-a-kiss

Then there's this theory, which is just plain weird and uncomfortable:

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306987709006380

(tl;dr kissing may have evolved as a way to boost a woman's immune system in preparation for pregnancy)

I can sort of identify with this. I personally don't much like the idea of mouth touching, apart from with a woman I am attracted to. Then, I generally find (in my limited experience) that she 'tastes nice'. However, I don't get much out of big sloppy open-mouth-and-tongues kissing, I prefer just lips. I have had two really good kisses in my life, both from the same person, and both were spontaneous and didn't lead to sex. As science would confirm I remember it all really well and got a massive oxytocin hit which led to increased hart rate, warm and loving feelings towards her and further physical contact. I have no idea how good I was as she initiated both but she seemed to enjoy it.

One theory may simply be that the lips are one of the most sensitive nerve centres of the body after the genitals, and that touching them together is both very pleasurable and also a sign that you trust the partner enough to allow them access to your second most sensitive area.

Does anybody not like lip kissing but like or not mind kissing other places? Neck and ears are in my experience two places girls find very pleasurable to be touched in general.

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Can definitely relate to this. Not entirely sure how one knows if they are sex-repulsed, positive or neutral, but I'm leaving more towards to repulsed side of things, and I really do not understand kissing. I get it as a romantic kind of thing to put in movies which can be okay sometimes, but the actual idea of me personally doing it is completely gross. Like no I don't want their saliva in my mouth nonono that is disgusting. I do worry a lot about how I'd ever be able to cope in a romantic relationship but mainly just cause I'm ace, and I wonder how I would find someone who would be okay not having sex, so I haven't really thought too much about how me not liking kissing might be a problem for the other person. But now you mention it a lot of people apparently enjoy it and it does seem to be just a generic thing 'everyone' does in romantic relationships. Definitely tell your partner (if you're planning on having one) cause it's the kind of thing you need to be openly communicating about for the relationship to work, also otherwise they would probably just go with the norm and assume you want it.

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I've read that kissing also allows you to taste protein markers in your partner's saliva. It's a subconscious thing, but people tend to prefer kissing partners whose genes are different from their own--which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective, because the less similar your genetic codes, the greater chance your children will be healthy.

Makes sense.

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Kind of a relief to see some of the responses in this thread...I haven't kissed anyone in MANY years, but while I'm quite fond of the idea of a "normal" (?) kiss, the idea (and experience) of making out is just gross to me. Poor guy I dated many, many years ago (before I knew my orientation)...I remember making out with him -- for his sake, really -- and just standing there during thinking, "Did I remember to put my laundry in earlier? Ugh, saliva is really gross. I wonder what I should have for dinner tonight. How much longer do I have to do this for?" And meanwhile, he was just completely into it...

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