Kissing

[opalangel]

I am slightly sex repulsed and the idea of kissing is gross to me (also scares the crap out of me). I'm wondering how other people that feel this way (or similarly) handle relationships? Do you tell your partner? if so when? etc.

[HeidiUK]

I have never been kissed romantically, but I would really really like to be. I actually also haven't been in a relationship.

BUT on dating sites, I am very open about it. Does that help.

Also, welcome to AVEN.

[Scarlett Duggan-Bowe]

Hi, I've been kissed and every time it disgusted me (literally at 1 point I left and tried 2 rinse my mouth out). Every time it happened, the person I was in a relationship with and I ended up kind of resenting them, even though they were generally nice people. I looked it up and apparently, it's actually not uncommon to dislike kissing even if you feel really strongly about the person. I think they said that basically, you should explain to your partner why you don't enjoy it, but make sure they understand you still want to be close.

I just typed into google 'what to do if you don't like kissing' and I found a few sort of articles and chat forums that were helpful.

I hope that helps.

[Star Bit]

Not everyone is into making out.

Yes you tell your partner; asap; on/after the first explicit date (whether you known them prior or not). You then inform them whether you're willing to compromise on the matter or not. (Assuming you don't interact alot prior to the date; if you do then tell them then and not later.)

If they complain then inform them that slightly over half of the world's cultures don't make out, and while you may (most likely) not be from those countries, it is obvious that this desired action differs by person, and it differing with you is completely valid. But know that most people in the U.S. do desire to make out, so simply this information could be a breaking point for alot of possible partners, let alone the non-sexually-compromising part; which only a minority of sexual people are ok with. So that's why asexual dating sites and asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN are useful.

You should tell a potential partner about your asexuality and inability to compromise on/after the 3rd date if you don't know them prior (again, assuming you don't interact alot prior to the dates; i.e. the aformentioned time span being so you can tell if you actually want to date this person and trust them with such personal information), and on/after the first date if you do know them prior. However, i said what i did with the kissing information because kissing isn't the same thing as intimate information like your orientation.

[nanogretchen4]

Honestly there's better than a fifty percent chance they will try to kiss on the first date if it's going well enough that they were planning on a second date. I would say that's something you should bring up fairly early on the first date. If they reach the conclusion that you are totally incompatible and need not go on a second date, that's totally fine. The first date is a rough screening for compatibility, and if it can't possibly work it's better to know that before either of you has invested much time or energy.

[Hermit Advocate]

For me it wasn't kissing that was necessarily terrible, it was the extended kissing that comes with making out that I found to be disgusting. A quick peck is, fine, I guess; but honestly, I'd rather not have any form of lip on lip contact. The last time I made out with my now ex boyfriend, it was my attempt at compromise, I was bored to tears and as soon as I could come up with an excuse to get out of there I went and brushed my teeth. The most I'm really comfortable with is giving my family and friends a quick kiss on the forehead or cheek before I say goodnight. For me that is a sign of fondness, not romanticism.

[Telecaster68]

slightly over half of the world's cultures don't make out,

I'm interested...where does that info come from?

[Autumn Season]

slightly over half of the world's cultures don't make out,

I'm interested...where does that info come from?

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/technology-science/science/half-world-hate-open-mouth-6069545

... probably.

[Telecaster68]

It's a strange study. They asked ethnographers in each continent if they'd heard that romantic kissing occurred in the areas they studied. In North America, 45pc said they hadn't, and Europe 30pc said they hadn't. Since clearly romantic kissing *does* occur in America and Europe, it makes me wonder about the other results, particularly the figure of zero for South America, which given its heavy European influenced history, I find odd.

[nanogretchen4]

Even if this information is accurate, I see nothing to be gained by telling this to your date. No one can be reasoned out of wanting to kiss or wanting to have sex, anymore than you can be reasoned out of being a repulsed asexual who doesn't like kissing. Preferentially dating people from cultures that don't like kissing might improve your chances of being able to delay your coming out speech until the third date, but I don't think delaying is strategically desirable. Noncompromising asexuals are compatible with maybe one percent of the general population. If you have to go through several dates to rule out each incompatible prospect, it would take years of constantly dating new people to meet one person who is compatible at the basic level of sexual orientation. If a non compromising asexual is using an online dating service, by far the most promising strategy is to be very out and proud in their profile. That way it should be possible to eliminate most of the hopeless prospects prior to the first date.

[Telecaster68]

AVEN loves itself some optimism bias. Only out done by catatonic despair...

[HeidiUK]

it's actually not uncommon to dislike kissing even if you feel really strongly about the person.

I had no idea! Wow!

[necrocrat]

To me, anything considered to be a general deal-breaker for the vast majority of people in your given environment, that you're not willing to compromise on, should be disclaimed early on. I prefer before the relationship is actually steady in the first place. I may have been too vague and someone might come up with exceptions to what I've said there, but do understand that I'm mostly referring to not wanting sex, common types of physical affection, etc.

My main reasoning is that although the initial infatuation most people feel for someone is incredibly strong, it's still better to find out that you're incompatible during this stage than it is to put off telling them until a time in which you very well may love each other all ready. Can you imagine the difficulty of picking between your love for someone and something that is essential to you in a relationship? It's emotionally draining and should be avoided, if possible. At least that's what I think.

[Hermit Advocate]

To me, anything considered to be a general deal-breaker for the vast majority of people in your given environment, that you're not willing to compromise on, should be disclaimed early on. I prefer before the relationship is actually steady in the first place. I may have been too vague and someone might come up with exceptions to what I've said there, but do understand that I'm mostly referring to not wanting sex, common types of physical affection, etc.

I agree. Of course I was in the awkward position of figuring out my sexuality mid relationship, but this is definite advice that I will take in the future.

[m4rble]

I also don't like the prospect of making out. I figure that if I feel this way, others must too, I just need to find them.

[tase]

I have just had the great fortune of falling into a relationship with a non ace person. I had the big talk on our first actual one on one date. However I totally breezed over the kissing part. So sadly that issue still remains unresolved. We've seen each other 5 or 6 times now. I have moved up to a kiss on the lips for hello and good night. Nothing beyond hugging the first few dates. I think that I can be fine with closed mouthed kissing for a reasonable time limit. (Maybe 30 second to a minute).

After being ridiculed by onlookers the first night that I did not kiss her goodnight we did discuss that briefly. She said a kiss on cheek would be fine. But we have moved things forward pretty fast, so I'm not sure that will still be enough for what she really wants.

I don't plan on compromising because I don't think it will be necessary (yes guys I think I was lucky enough to have actually found the lowest of low percentage of accepting sexuals), but I'm still unsure of what I'm actually capable of enjoying. (for everything, but just kissing for the sake on staying on topic)

[necrocrat]

To me, anything considered to be a general deal-breaker for the vast majority of people in your given environment, that you're not willing to compromise on, should be disclaimed early on. I prefer before the relationship is actually steady in the first place. I may have been too vague and someone might come up with exceptions to what I've said there, but do understand that I'm mostly referring to not wanting sex, common types of physical affection, etc.

I agree. Of course I was in the awkward position of figuring out my sexuality mid relationship, but this is definite advice that I will take in the future.

I think a lot of us have been there. I was 14 and 17 in the two relationships that I screwed up due to sexuality. Now I'm not wavering from that advice. No way in hell will anyone else get hurt because of it, if I can help it.

In the first I just never even thought about anything sexual. Nine great months and then the pressure was on and I thought I could just compromise and do it and it never happened. I just kept fighting myself on it and eventually sent awkward messages saying I've never even practiced by myself and would need a lot of time before I tried anything. But I never did that either. But I finally did a total dick-move and started withdrawing instead of communicating and she broke it off. By the way, please, nobody here ever think that's a good way to cause a break up. It really isn't. And with the other I was totally clear about everything, but the other person apparently didn't take me seriously and I had to break it off because of how uncomfortable everything was.

Now I'm 20 and thankfully matured a lot about relationships in general, but I'm not going anywhere near a relationship unless I know for certain that the other person takes me seriously about not compromising on never having sex. Hopefully I can find an asexual, celibate, or someone otherwise apathetic toward sex.

[HeidiUK]

To me, anything considered to be a general deal-breaker for the vast majority of people in your given environment, that you're not willing to compromise on, should be disclaimed early on. I prefer before the relationship is actually steady in the first place. I may have been too vague and someone might come up with exceptions to what I've said there, but do understand that I'm mostly referring to not wanting sex, common types of physical affection, etc.

I couldn't agree with you more! I'm finding that more and more as I attempt to find a suitable mate/date. But, a word of caution: watch that the sexual is consistent. I've had guys go from 'fine, no sex is okay', to 'I think I can change you if you haven't tried it', to 'If I can masturbate all is cool' in a matter of days.

So, just be careful and remember (or write down) what is said. :)

I hope that didn't sound too negative.

but I'm still unsure of what I'm actually capable of enjoying.

Does it have to be written in stone now? Could it not be explored in some way and be part of an ongoing conversation?

Hopefully I can find an asexual, celibate, or someone otherwise apathetic toward sex.

Plenty out there. Where are you from?

[necrocrat]

Heidi,

Trust me, I know. People don't tend to take it seriously, then tend to change their minds. It's annoying beyond belief.

.

..

.

Plenty out there? Doesn't seem like it. Few and far between, and some communities havs less than others. Then if you find someone, there's no guarantee you'll hit it off. Seems like a losing gamble. Florida, USA. I'm assuming you're from the UK (I'm a very astute observer).

[tase]

No Heidi, it does not have to be written in stone at all.

I'm hoping "You just haven't met the right person yet" can actually occur at 55.

In my mind I want to do and enjoy everything.

Can it actually be different than before?

There will definitely be a lot of ongoing conversation and exploration.

No rush

We totally kept to our first sleepover cuddling only pact, we'll have to see what we come up for the next one.

[HeidiUK]

Heidi,

Trust me, I know. People don't tend to take it seriously, then tend to change their minds. It's annoying beyond belief.

.

..

.

Plenty out there? Doesn't seem like it. Few and far between, and some communities havs less than others. Then if you find someone, there's no guarantee you'll hit it off. Seems like a losing gamble. Florida, USA. I'm assuming you're from the UK (I'm a very astute observer).

This changing of the minds is frustrating as hell, isn't it?

And yes, I'm from the back end of nowhere in the UK. That in itself makes life hard as all the people I work with etc. are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy older than me etc. so even if I could find someone compatible, it's very unlikely to be here.

No Heidi, it does not have to be written in stone at all.

I'm hoping "You just haven't met the right person yet" can actually occur at 55.

In my mind I want to do and enjoy everything.

Can it actually be different than before?

There will definitely be a lot of ongoing conversation and exploration.

No rush

We totally kept to our first sleepover cuddling only pact, we'll have to see what we come up for the next one.

Good luck to you, Tase.

[PhoenixButterfly]

Hi, I'm Jess. I'm 27. And I've never been kissed. I'm so curious about kissing, though. I think I want to have my first kiss someday. I guess mostly I feel like I'm missing out on something great.

But I recently discovered that I'm demisexual and sapiosexual. Also, I'm attracted to gender-neutral AFAB people, so it's hard to find the right person. But I'm working on finding a potential datemate. I guess I just want any relationship I have with someone to go slow and progress naturally. I think I would definitely have to start off as friends with someone before I could ever kiss them.

[tase]

Umm some kissing took place yesterday. That's all I can say for now. :)

[crazyguineapiglady]

Katie here! I was in a relationship with a heterosexual guy a few years ago, had no idea I was ace at the time. Spent the whole relationship physically dodging kissing him. We never actually talked about it, it was just super awkward the whole time. I was grossed out when it happened and he was sad when it didn't. Would not recommend this strategy, communication is good.

[PhoenixButterfly]

Katie here! I was in a relationship with a heterosexual guy a few years ago, had no idea I was ace at the time. Spent the whole relationship physically dodging kissing him. We never actually talked about it, it was just super awkward the whole time. I was grossed out when it happened and he was sad when it didn't. Would not recommend this strategy, communication is good.

I completely agree. Communication is a key component to having a healthy relationship with anyone, especially a budding relationship. I suppose I might feel awkward talking to someone about kissing them. I guess if the other person were to start the conversation, though, I'd be more comfortable with talking about it. That being said, I've noticed recently that I tend to communicate better via text message or email. Then my second most comfortable form of communication would be speaking over the phone. But talking face-to-face, especially in person, can make me very uncomfortable. Maybe my communication skills will get better over time.

[Hermit Advocate]

I agree that bringing the subject of not wanting to kiss in a relationship is just plain awkward. But I really wish I had done it in my past relationship. Well, partially because I'm kissing adverse, the other part is that he was just a really bad kisser. I feel physically revolting just thinking about it. Seriously, why is making out considered to be an integral part of a relationship? Can't we have actual discussions or is that too difficult?

[HeidiUK]

Also, I'm attracted to gender-neutral AFAB people

Can someone please explain AFAB to me? I see it all over the site and still don't know what it means. Thank you :).

I've noticed recently that I tend to communicate better via text message or email.

I feel the exact same way. I actually came out (to most people) via a blog post.

Seriously, why is making out considered to be an integral part of a relationship? Can't we have actual discussions or is that too difficult?

Too hard, unfortunately...

[Telecaster68]

Can't we have actual discussions or is that too difficult?

It's not an either/or, at least in my case. Discussions are mandatory too.

[PhoenixButterfly]

To answer your question, Heidi, AFAB stands for "assigned female at birth" and it refers to a person's sex which they were assigned at birth. AFAB is synonymous with DFAB (designated female at birth) and both refer to the biological sex that a person was identified as at birth by a medical doctor. This is, however, based solely on one's external genitals and doesn't necessarily mean that they identify as said bio-sex. And AMAB and DMAB are used to describe someone's assigned sex at birth as male. Also, there are intersex people who are born with more than two sex chromosomes and sometimes reproductive organs of both sexes. (If anyone else wants to jump in here, I'd greatly appreciate it. I hope I haven't said anything incorrectly.)

[HighDrive]

Can't we have actual discussions or is that too difficult?

Reality is that if I don't take your question rhetorically, the answer is "yes", when some of us are in the " make out" mood it is very difficult to have a conversation. It's annoying.

That's why discovering that our partner is an ace helps as we now don't have that expectation.