Seeking understanding and guidance.

[RedWolfGirl]

Ok so here I go... I'm very nervous so everyone please bear with me.

So I guess I should start by telling where I first learned out asexuality. It was a Facebook post that I accidentally fat fingered. Once I read the first few lines I was curious. After reading the whole article I was chomping at the bit for more information. It was then I turned to the comments section of that post. Some were very insightful while others were just plain hurtful or confusing. It was in one of these hurtful posts that I noticed a guy (couldn't find his name again but whoever you are THANK YOU!) who referenced AVEN. After googling asexuality for a few hours, I came here. After reading some of the posts and watching a few videos... I was just about in tears. It was like being stuck in a dark room for 28 years and me finally turning on the freaking light to see that I wasn't alone. That I wasn't a broken, or heartless person for not wanting sex with a good guy who's drive was much higher than mine.

Like I said, I'm 28 years old. I didn't have sex, or really desire sex, until I was 24 when I met a guy who I eventually fell in love with. I'd done the thing that parents tell their kids, "Don't sleep with anyone unless you really care about them. Preferably after you're married." We weren't married but I did care about him. So when he eventually starting pressuring me, I caved. I in no way was under the illusion that the first time would be perfect or magical. It hurt. A lot. At least for me it did. But it was to be expected that I wouldn't really enjoy my first. But it was expected, or at least hoped, that I would maybe grow to like sex. I didn't. And that confused me to no end. It made me kind of mad too. What was I doing wrong? What was wrong with me? So I started trying harder to be a sexual person. Still nothing. In truth all I did was make me feel disgusted and disappointed in myself. I cried a lot. And in a last ditch effort to keep the relationship alive, I said the "L" word, which just made everything all the sadder when my boyfriend alienated me, ignored me, and eventually forced me to end our relationship via text. I blamed him for the longest time since he never gave me an explanation. However, it was only recently when I learned that I might be asexual, did I realize that maybe he wasn't the only one to blame. I was ignorant, yes, but that doesn't change the fact that I unknowingly lied about my sexuality from the get go.

And all that gushing above leads me to the real reason for my post. Apologies if anyone found my confession lengthy, but I've never been able to say those things out loud. My family still doesn't know that I now take partial responsibility for that little disaster.

Needless to say, I might have developed a bit of an issue with trust and the use and the allowance of the "L" word. My parent's nasty divorce after twenty years of marriage certainly didn't help the issue either. Despite all that, I started dating again. We have been together for almost two years now. He's extremely patient with me with my trust issues. And understands my lack in desire as far as intimacy goes. I like to cuddle, hold hands, kiss a little. But have found that anything more is a really overwhelming bother for me. However, he believes the reason being a broken heart and broken faith in trust and marriage. Which both are somewhat true if not the whole story. I realized that in the future he will probably want to start sleeping together. A light bulb moment that should have occurred much sooner than the dang two year mark... How in the heck am I supposed to work, "Hey Babe... I know I should have said something two years or so ago, but I have this issue with sex. Now don't get upset but I have little to no sexual desire/attraction and no... it's not just you, but everyone... yes I did say I wanted kids and still do... and no it's not you, it's me..." into a conversation? Just thinking about it nearly sends me into a panic attack.

I know this is a lot for my first post and normally I would try my family first. But saying these things to them would be akin to saying I've shaved my head and joined a cult. In time I believe I'll be able to talk with them, but I want to have a better understanding of myself before I tackle that particular mountain.

Thank you so much.

[WinterWanderer]

*hugs*

I'm glad you found AVEN and finally found some insight into what you're going through. I hope that being a member here helps you feel a little more normal. It's really helped me in that respect. :) It helps me to know there's a whole community of people with similar experiences as mine. I'm not a weirdo for not desiring sex.

Welcome!!

[RedWolfGirl]

Thank you.

All that was really hard to say and I'm glad my first responder wasn't calling me a horrible person. :D

So far I'm liking AVEN. A lot to process, but very helpful.

[aceghost]

I don't have good personal advice on this topic, but my gut feeling is just be as open and honest with him as possible. Tell him the story of how you found the word, how it felt to finally understand this part of yourself, and to know you were not alone. This could be really hard for him to hear (on the other hand it could be totally unsurprising). Emphasize that you still love him, nothing has changed there. Also share with him the extent to which you're willing/able to compromise on sex (if applicable).

There are lots of other threads about coming out to partners in this forum, so I recommend doing some reading of those for additional advice.

About this, though...

I was ignorant, yes, but that doesn't change the fact that I unknowingly lied about my sexuality from the get go.

Uh, no. You gave him the fullest information that you had available to you at the time. And in the process, you compromised yourself far more than you were comfortable with, for his benefit. Don't take unnecessary guilt on.

[Star Bit]

If you had little sexual desire you'd still desire sex at some point and be a sxual person with a low sex-drive. Asexuals have zero desire for sex. And yah, it's gunna be awkward, but it's something you have to do; force the words out if you have to, send it in a txt, have him read it off the computer, whatever, it needs to happen. And you don't have to work it into a conversation. It can be a random topic, you can just blurt out "i found out I'm asexual", or you can tell him you have something to talk to him about.

And you don't have to tell your relitives; your sex life is none of their business; it's only the business of a potential or existing partner. Only come out if you know its safe; even coming out as asexual can result in similar gay/bi/trans coming out horror stories. It could send your parents into "no grandchildren phobia mode" and they can lash out like a crazy person; not every parent is ok with adoptive grandchildren with no biological ones. (i.e. i assume since you're not comfortable with sexually compromising that you wouldn't even do so to bear a child)

[RedWolfGirl]

I actually had a conversation about asexuality today. My grandmother noticed I was "acting funny", her words, and asked what was going on. I just blurted it out. All of it. To my surprise she started to laugh. Kinda threw me a bit, but it was a good thing. She said she'd known how I was for a while, but never knew there was an actual word for it or that there were people out there that could help and understand the things I was experiencing. Supportive doesn't even begin to describe it. My Gran is awesome you guys!

I feel much better about everything. Like I'm really going to be ok. Much more confident for when I talk with my boyfriend, which will be soon.

[tally]

As someone who was married and had three long-term relationships before finding AVEN, you're not alone. Don't blame yourself just because you didn't have the information. There's lots of pressure to conform, especially in today's sex-obsessed world. You couldn't have known it wouldn't grow on you. Sexuality can also change during a person's lifetime. Thinking back on it, I realize I've always more or less been this way, and that any attempt to be otherwise was just wishful thinking and a desire not to lose people I loved. But I thought, like you, that it would grow on me, or I'd get used to it. But now you know, and you can start using the information. Every relationship is different, too, so different solutions can work for various people. It sounds like the person you're dating is patient and understanding, maybe when the time is right, you can have a discussion and work out something that would be acceptable to both of you. I've read a lot of really insightful stuff on this forum, hopefully it will help you. But meanwhile, try not to beat yourself up, okay? :)

[RedWolfGirl]

It's been a few days since my last post but I guess I've been trying to fix things. For starters, and most important, my boyfriend and I had our talk. It was like wrestling a porcupine, but it had to happen. He was supportive and understanding, however, we both decided to end the boyfriend/girlfriend aspect of our relationship. We will be remaining friends though. :)

A few of my family members now know about my asexual side. Most are supportive. A few think I need to be on medication or something. "How can you just not want sex?" I think I said, "I just don't," more times in the past few days than I ever have in my life.

Even though things are still a bit rocky, I feel much better about things overall.

[HighDrive]

I love hearing good stories as I am part of one.

In reality you didn't lie because you didn't know. I'm glad your ex saw that.

Not every one will want to understand you or even being able to understand you. And from those that don't understand, some will accept but some won't accept your feelings are true. Too bad for them.

Im glad you see that you own understanding and acceptance is making your life better.

Happy for you (yes strangers can be truly happy for you)