The Masturbation Crisis - What Makes a "Real" Asexual?

[Malyco]

How do you define sexual attraction? Does it mean a sexual urge directed at another human being (a particular person), or is it more of an abstract sexual feeling? My asexuality was recently called into question because of masturbation-- a friend told me that a "real" asexual would not masturbate, and that I must be suppressing my sexuality. I'm curious to know what other people think about it.

The way I always interpreted it was that if a person lacks sexual interest in other people (you don't check them out, you don't harbour secret fantasies about them), then that person might be asexual. In my mind, I never made the association between masturbation and sexuality-- in my experience, masturbation is simply about sensation. It is not a desire to get close to someone else, or to act out some long-held fantasy about another person. I never thought that masturbation would exclude someone from the category of "asexual", but this friend of mine seems to disagree. She would equate the act of masturbation, and the desire to perform that action, with sexual attraction, thus denying my place in the ace community.

What are your thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this kind of attitude? Is there perhaps a subcategory of asexuality that is used to describe those who choose to masturbate, or are we generally unchallenged in the ace community? The person who questioned me today is not asexual (she is a sexual lesbian), and so she does not have the same perspective as others on this forum might.

Thanks so much for your time! I'd really appreciate any feedback.

[tali.lynn]

I agree with you! (A)sexuality is linked to sexual desire and attraction to others, and masturbation does not necessarily reflect on that.

[m4rble]

Your maturation habits have no bearing on your asexuality. Asexuals just don't desire sex with other people.

[ace11]

i don't think masturbation negates asexuality in any way. i dont really think masturbation is particularly sexual on its own. it's just a bodily need that pops up sometimes.

[binary suns]

I don't think sexuality really exists. we don't have an orientation revolving around what makes us happy or how we are happy or anything like that.

[Star Bit]

<_< Most asexuals (and people in general) masturbate, and most use erotica to do so.

Your friend is misinformed. Asexuality strictly means someone does not desire to have sex with anyone (for their own sexual or emotional pleasure). Still, some asexuals can sexually compromise. (And even enjoy it, but that'd confuse most people and he already seems to be confused so i wouldn't tell him that. But eventhough desire/yearning and enjoyment are typically paired, they're still not the same thing. Everyone's probably had a food that tasted fine but for whatever reason you still didn't yearn to have it again. Sexually compromising asexuals can enjoy making a partner happy, orgasming, or desire to make a child.)

[tase]

Malyco-if you go into search and type in masturbation, you with find hundred upon hundreds of posts that validate that masturbation is perfectly acceptable for asexuals.

[damage_case]

I dont care about labels. I go through life the way it takes me.

If I gotta masturbate I gotta masturbate. I get cranky after 2 days... Ive never had sex or never found the need to pounce on a woman or date her... so I dont know what I am... but I gotta masturbate.

[sindi]

Does it mean a sexual urge directed at another human being (a particular person)

Yes, in my opinion and according to my understanding, sexual attraction is exactly that.

The way I always interpreted it was that if a person lacks sexual interest in other people (you don't check them out, you don't harbour secret fantasies about them), then that person might be asexual. In my mind, I never made the association between masturbation and sexuality-- in my experience, masturbation is simply about sensation. It is not a desire to get close to someone else, or to act out some long-held fantasy about another person.

I totally agree about this too. In fact I think it should be pretty clear to anyone with half a brain.

Well, some sexual's own masturbation habits probably involve fantasies about real people they know, and even a desire to get to act them out, so they might be confused at first. But once you've explained, that you don't have that, and that asexuality is about the attraction and not about "never doing anything sexual", it should dawn on them, unless they prefer willful ignorance.

[chimaera]

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[sindi]

It's only asexuals who say that masturbation has nothing to do with sexuality, that it's just "scratching an itch" and nothing else. That seems like a strange concept to me.

Well, I wouldn't say that way. It certainly is a sexual pleasure. But it's irrelevant to the orientation...

[idekrncidc231]

A lot of sexuals masturbate but for them it's a substitute for "the real thing". They'd much rather have sex with someone as it feels a lot better (it adds an emotional aspect to a purely physical thing, well, for the most part anyway).

It's only asexuals who say that masturbation has nothing to do with sexuality, that it's just "scratching an itch" and nothing else. That seems like a strange concept to me.

Since a lot of asexuals like cake, it's like saying that eating cake has nothing to do with having a sweet tooth, that you don't really enjoy the flavor of it and only eat it because it's right there.

I don't like cake. I only eat it cause I get an urge for sweets and it's the only thing right there. ^^' buuuut... I also find it repulsive to masterbate and feel ashamed if I let myself do it just to calm my stress, so I am just a wierdo who does things I hate just to curb stress and a sweet tooth. I have had an annoyingly high labido and had sex dreams. I have has sex dreams and even thought about it in certain ways with certain characters. (Ashamed and repulsed to say so, but sometimes the labido gets to one) it doesn't mean however that I've ever actually wanted any one person or multiple people in that way, just that I've wanted the feeling of wanting sex to go away. That I've wanted the desire for something sweet to go away. However I have stopped masturbation cold turkey as it makes me feel ashamed since it is a lack of strength and control on my part and I want to be a stronger being who overcomes such horrid and repulsive needs as sex. I am sex-repulsed and generally even seeing people kiss makes me feel sick. But when labido is high... -_- and testosterone .... Meh... But... Same goes for cake. I feel fat and disgusting eating something so unhealthy just for sugar's sake... So... I'm going to buy more sweet fruit and eat that instead. But typically, from what I've heard, sexuals actually think on a person they'd like to have sex with when they masterbate, we do not. Simple as that. I've never seen anyone that makes me want to jump into bed with them and I know for sure I never will.

[sindi]

However I have stopped masturbation cold turkey as it makes me feel ashamed since it is a lack of strength and control on my part and I want to be a stronger being who overcomes such horrid and repulsive needs as sex.

But why should you have the strength and control to suppress a perfectly natural and utterly harmless need? Sounds like you have severe issues with self-hatred, and should probably talk to a professional about that...

[chimaera]

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[Guest]

A lot of sexuals masturbate but for them it's a substitute for "the real thing". They'd much rather have sex with someone as it feels a lot better (it adds an emotional aspect to a purely physical thing, well, for the most part anyway).

It's only asexuals who say that masturbation has nothing to do with sexuality, that it's just "scratching an itch" and nothing else. That seems like a strange concept to me.

Since a lot of asexuals like cake, it's like saying that eating cake has nothing to do with having a sweet tooth, that you don't really enjoy the flavor of it and only eat it because it's right there.

Masturbation is certainly a sexual behavior, but it's not sex - as it doesn't involve another person. You cannot have sex with yourself, it's conceptually impossible.

Asexuals, whether or not they masturbate (and if polls on here are any indication, around two thirds do, one third doesn't) have no inherent desire for partnered sexual activities. That's the sole criterion for whether someone is asexual or not - IMO, all the "attraction" talk just unneccessarily obscures this simple difference and makes it harder to understand.

[chimaera]

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[Star Bit]

Yah, unfortunately due to the loophole in the banner definition people who simply don't find anyone sexually alluring but still desire sex for their own sexual or emotional pleasure can then go by asexual (when they're a completely normal sexual), so that's why alot of people on here are pushing for the banner to be changed.

[Guest]

Masturbation is certainly a sexual behavior, but it's not sex - as it doesn't involve another person. You cannot have sex with yourself, it's conceptually impossible.

Thanks for letting me know, I reaaaally didn't know that... :P

No need for sarcasm, there really are folks around who actually don't know/refuse to acknowledge/disagree with this, much as I - and apparently, you - consider it to be "my, the rain is wet this time of the year"-obvious.

[chimaera]

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[Star Bit]

i.e. AVEN (or anyone for that matter) doesn't have a sarcastic font?

[sindi]

i.e. AVEN (or anyone for that matter) doesn't have a sarcastic font?

A sarcastic font would ruin it. I think the funny part about sarcasm is, that you might not immediatly get it (or at all, if you're dense). If it was readily apparent on the first glance that it's sarcasm, why not just say your thing in a straightforward manner instead.

(sorry for going off topic :P )

[Guest]

Haha, I don't either. I find the strange obsession with cake among asexuals quite fascinating. At first I thought it was a joke (nobody likes cake that much, right?), but apparently I was wrong. :P

It's not actually an "obsession" with cake, it's a long time running joke because "cake is better than sex" .. It's just something someone said once and it caught on and now it's sort of the unofficial asexuality motto. I don't even like cake that much (I prefer a juicy, bloody steak, nom) but I still go with the cake thing like most other people do, as a joke (even though it's a fact that cake is better than sex, for practically every asexual, lol). It's just funny, but also has a ring of truth.. And even if there are a lot of things I like better than cake, cake is still better than sex (because I just don't enjoy or desire sex) so yeah, the motto is still true for me even though I don't like cake that much. I'm sure pretty much every other legit (oooo elitism) ace would say the same too, no matter how much they dislike cake.. cake is still better than having sex haha.

Others already replied with what I would have said regarding the masturbation aspect of things (that if you masturbate to deal with your libido but have no desire to connect sexually with anyone for sexual and/or emotional pleasure, ever, you're still asexual)

[dissolved]

But typically, from what I've heard, sexuals actually think on a person they'd like to have sex with when they masterbate, we do not. Simple as that.

I don't think that's something you can easily divide sexuals and asexuals over. Plenty of asexuals on here will think about a person or watch porn etc in order to get their jollies, but have no desire to act upon it when presented with the opportunity with that person. There's a "what do you think about when you masturbate?" thread, and it's quite surprising actually. There's not a great deal of difference between the asexuals' answers and those of the few sexual folk.

[PittAce92]

As a lot of people have alluded to, you can both be asexual and masturbate. An asexual is an orientation that has a lack of sexual attraction towards anyone. As my personal statement, I have zero attraction to people, but enjoy the feeling of orgasms and ejaculations. It has nothing to do with attraction but the actual physicality of the act.