Jump to content

In need of comfort and guidance...


acexuality

Recommended Posts

I'm in a relationship with a sexual person. I'm sexually attracted to him but I have very rarely experienced this in my life with no more than two other guys. I've recently been having problems where I struggle to understand how he is able to experience sexual attraction so frequently. I feel great insecurity when he looks at other girls. Because I lack the understanding to get why he finds them attractive, it makes me view him as less monogamous than I in our relationship. I start comparing myself to them and then becoming insecure in my appearance (which I wasn't while single). I haven't brought it up with him but it's bringing me a lot of confusion and hurt feelings, as well as causing me to feel a lot more broken in my asexuality.

Can anyone help me to understand his sexual attraction in a way that could make me feel less hurt? Has anyone dealt with a similar feeling or situation? Can anyone offer guidance from where I'm at right now?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think one of the issues here, is that because sexual attraction is rare for you, you likely have only felt attraction for one person at a time. There's nothing wrong with this, but it can lead to a greater association between sexual and emotional intimacy than most people draw. Once again, there's nothing wrong with this, but it can cause some confusion when couples experience these things in different ways. Here's some things I've worked through, that I'm sure you already know, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else:

1:Attraction is not consent. This means that someone can notice (look) at other people without actually wanting to act on that attraction.

2: Attraction is not zero sum. You can notice that someone is attractive, without diminishing your attraction to someone else. For most sexuals, being in love with someone doesn't mean that they stop recognizing that there are other attractive people in the world. That doesn't mean that their partner isn't 'enough' for them, it's just how the brain works.

3: Attraction is complex. Physical, emotional, intellectual, and situational attraction all overlap, conflict and shift in importance for every person who experiences them. You can find different things more appealing about your partner at different times, or think that another person is more attractive in one particular way, without wanting to replace your partner with them or even liking them.

4: Attraction is a reflex. Attraction isn't something people do on purpose. It's mostly a reflex. that by no means implies that people are any less in control of their actions when around people they are attracted to, but the attraction itself isn't something they can flip a switch and shut off.

The questions I would have, are about what your boyfriend DOES. Is he disrespectful to women he finds attractive? Does he compare you to them, or complain about specific ways you aren't like them? Does he act like your sexuality is something that's an inconvenience to him? Does he dismiss any feelings you have that don't match his as wrong or unimportant?

Or, does he go out of his way to show he cares about you? Respect boundaries and practice good consent? Make effort to spend time with you? Work through problems together? Put effort into understanding and supporting you? How he treats you is really the true indicator of how healthy your relationship with him is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...