Need opinion and help/support with my situation.

[xXBaronXx]

So I'll give you a quick run down of things. I've known my girlfriend just over a year and 7 months now, we met in college initially as she was an American exchange student studying over in my country. I my self am an English native, I live in the United Kingdom. We've been doing long distance for a very long time, and have gotten used to the idea base on the fact that we plan on closing the distance permanently. We've used the distance as a positive to let us work on our careers first, before we make the big leap. We've been together for a decent amount if time. I fell in love with my girlfriend instantly, she was the most amazing, beautiful, kindest, sweet girl that I'd ever known. (I'm sure we all say this about our partners) me and her hit it off instantly. We just buzz off each other, we just never have a dull day, we're always supporting each other and making each other happy.. But my girlfriend is some what of a unique person. She's always had this important thing to her about wanting forever. She never understood or wanted the whole "Playing the field" thing when she was younger. And I had to agree with her because I don't think you should date someone unless you're serious. Anyway back on track. So I knew she was asexual, or identified as asexual before we started dating. But back then it didn't really matter to me, I was in love with her. I still am, I'm absolutely crazy about this girl. We've been doing well, like really well so far up until now.

One night after I felt comfortable to talk to her about this. I mentioned sexual stuff like me being a sexual individual, that needs intimacy etc. She didn't initially react badly to it like I thought she would. We started talking on the matter, anyway fast forward to us trying things. So we're apart at the moment, we won't see each other again until next year. Our get off for each other was talking dirty, and sending pictures to each other. We even skyped, and help each other get off via stuff like that. For two nights it was going great, she even started acting strange/weird one night and started making a move on me. Which I was shocked about. I know what people are gonna think now. But it's making the best with what we had. So she got really in detail and started talking about wanting to do it when we meet up again.

I ask her on many occasions before if she was cool with this, and every time she said yes and or tried to show me how much she wanted to do it. So one night just recently, this has all developed over this previous weekend just gone. The Sunday night, she left me a message explaining things basically saying she can't have this side to our relationship, she doesn't want it. And it makes her feel really bad, and go insane inside. The hard part for me was coming down from it all. Like I got such a buzz, and the excitement was immense from it. We both just really enjoyed our self's. And I don't what changed all of a sudden.

Now I feel bad, she says she feels bad about being asexual knowing that I have these needs and wants, and that it just makes her feel horrible. But she says if she starts being sexual again it will make her feel horrible too. Now I've tried to convince her that I'm not bothered about sex, just so I don't loose her. And to calm her down, I'm allot more emotionally strong than her, so I can take the brunt of things, at my expense.

I've tried talking about it to her, and she gets really overwhelmed and overreacts in some ways. She starts making irrational decisions like saying she is gonna become sexual for me, even thou she doesn't want to, and that she will do to satisfy my needs and to make me happy. But I've explained to her that won't make me happy, because it will feel wrong if she doesn't want it, and it feels like I am forcing her. So I got mad at her and said she can't do that ever.

I love my girlfriend, and relationships aren't just about sex I know. But I as a sexual person, crave that intimacy from her. She really does mean the world to me, and I only have eyes for her. Nothing else works, I've lost all interest in porn or anything like that. Nothing works, it only felt good, and was a great release when I did things with her. And I get so frustrated and have pent up stress an anxiety from it. When we did try it, well things just felt so positive.

I just don't understand what went wrong in the space of 2 hours we was apart, she changed her mind about what we'd done. And I feel bad for wanting it from her, and my excuse was because we've both got to make compromises for each other, but in a way we can both be happy. But I said to her the truth that it will be hard for me, and damn right next to impossible to come down from this now having experienced what I initially wanted to do with her.

Now we both take things very seriously, but I don't want to leave her and move on. I just can't, not for this reason. I can't end a perfect relationship that is going really well over sex. It would make me look bad, and it would destroy her. She isn't very strong and stable. But when we tried those things we both really enjoyed it. I've tried to reason with her, but not sure if my wording is getting the message across to her.

I feel bad because I sorta think well if she loves me, then she would compromise for the sake of us both. But I also feel angry and mad with her for trying it in the first place, if she knew she would then start to go back to the way things were. Because like now I've experienced that side of things, I am always gonna have those needs with her. And I feel entrapped, because I need to talk to her about it. But she starts to overreact every time. And I want her to try and go back to that place she was at when she was up for it, and persist with it. She said it felt so right, and so normal with me. And I don't want to end things, but I don't know what to do.

Our relationship isn't just about that kind of stuff, it makes up a small portion of it. But if I don't have that side to things I get frustrated, and I don't want to start resenting her/loosing interest in her. But she just either says she's gonna do it, as an overreaction and says stupid stuff, or says not at all. Do I let her be sexual, but know it is hurting her inside ? and as a consequent won't be enjoyable for me, and I will hate my self too. Or do I just try and switch off these needs and desires ?. I feel so lonely about this like I can't talk to no one about it, not even her. I'm lost, I am crying out for some help from people who have experienced this before. I just want personal opinions, and suggestions.

[Sally]

Our relationship isn't just about that kind of stuff, it makes up a small portion of it. But if I don't have that side to things I get frustrated, and I don't want to start resenting her/loosing interest in her. But she just either says she's gonna do it, as an overreaction and says stupid stuff, or says not at all. Do I let her be sexual, but know it is hurting her inside ? and as a consequent won't be enjoyable for me, and I will hate my self too. Or do I just try and switch off these needs and desires ?.

You can't do either of those things, because one is wrong for her, and the other is wrong for you. One partner can't be happy when the other partner is unhappy. It sounds to me (an asexual) as though she tried to do something, thought it would work well, and then she just couldn't do it anymore. You wish things could go back to before that point, and she feels guilty because she can't do what you want her to. That's not a good situation, and since you two are very different in that respect, it colors the whole relationship even though everything else might be very good.

Think carefully about whether you two really should decide to become a couple by one of you moving to the other's area. That could end up being a big mistake for both of you.

[Maddadam]

Well, it's late but I can give you a brief perspective from the other side. It is not uncommon to give into a moment and decide to be sexual. These rushes never last and more often than not lead to resentment. Realize that her asexual tendencies are just as strong and real as your sexual ones. From your post it's apparent you realize how difficult it is to fight these tendencies, it's the same on both ends.

I definitely second the above comment on the point that this is in fact important. No matter how perfect everything else may be, if this very real and often time illogical need is not being met for one or both of you, it will bleed into your everyday lives and come out in possibly uglier ways.

And not to be a pessimist, but sometimes the best thing we can do for people we love the most is let them go. You say she is not emotionally strong/ stable but being in this sort of relationship may not be any better than being apart.

[HighDrive]

Look, my partner knew I was highly sexual from the beginning, she didn't identify (even knew the term) asexual, and thought that by trying things she would feel something. I always felt that sense of "she is not into it" and that was a turn off. Of course, with that came pent up energy, frustration and irrational arguments.

However, the "trying" wasn't helping either her or me. As for her anything was to much, and for me no amount was enough. The worst of both worlds.

Once we got knowledge and acceptance of her orientation, it was like flipping a switch, there was no blame or resentment or pressure. Mutually liberating.

You and your girlfriend could go through the whole roller coaster or you can ask her to read these posts. However, you already got to the knowledge and acceptance part and you are right that no amount of "trying" will help.

Of course, in your case there is the difficulty of a long distance relationship where she may think that she'll loose you over it and that drives her to think she can.

But this is as far as I can comment being alosexual.

I think that if you rephrase your question, other asexuals can help. The question I think could help you get the right answer is:

How can you reassure an asexual that you are serious on the acceptance and are willing to talk and work things out with her?

[AthenaFay]

If you were to persist with this relationship, you would have to come to terms with being celibate somehow, but honestly I think this leads to so much ruination, just as an asexual trying to force themselves to do sexual things for the sake of their relationship when they don't want to do it at all can lead to ruination. I think you should have thought this through a lot more before getting into this relationship, but I know that's so hard because at first it's so blissful and perfect. It's probably easier for you both to be apart in a long-distance relationship than to have to deal with the sexual incompatibility issues face-to-face when no doubt you will desire her sexually, but of course your plan is to be together, which will mean you will have to deal with the differences.

From what you've described, it seems as though your joint continuation with this relationship could mess both of you up badly. She will continue to feel pressured, and you'll continue to feel frustrated, especially as you've had a taste of her sexually before which she obviously regrets because she felt pressured into doing something that she didn't want to do for the sake of the relationship. Of course things felt positive for you, because you're sexual - you were getting what you want; but no doubt she feels positive when there's no pressure for sexual activity, because if she's asexual - she'd be getting what she wants.

I felt this so intensely before in my relationship with an asexual: The happiness imbalance became maddening because what basically happens is that when one partner is getting what they want (i.e. NOT what the other wants at all; the opposite), they're so happy whilst you're so miserable because you aren't getting what you want.

When my ex partner came out as asexual, he was ELATED. He was absolutely over the moon that he had finally found his identity and others like him. (Like a kind of "I don't need to have sex anymore! There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just asexual! Awesome!") He had spent years and years feeling like, surely you have to have sex? "It's just what people do / it's what's expected of you" kind of thing. At the same time he was celebrating, I was contemplating seeing a therapist for how utterly destroyed I felt. I couldn't even see straight; he was practically bouncing off the walls and I felt like I was having some kind of out of body experience where nothing was real anymore. I was having a crisis and sought professional help for my mental health as fast as possible. "It's just sex" is a phrase which attempts to downplay the importance of how we are wired, and how we live life best to suit our happiness. I enjoy sex and I love to sexually devote myself to someone who shares the pleasure and union of it. Especially as a highly-sexed woman in her twenties wanting to explore and enjoy what comes naturally to me, I couldn't have lived with myself calling myself celibate when that was just not me, for the sake of continuing a relationship which ultimately doesn't make me happy.

Continuing the relationship for like 2 - 3 weeks or something after his coming out was Hell: No sex for him = he's happy and I'm miserable; sex for me = I'm happy and he's miserable. It sounds terrible of me to say it, but I need to say it because it was true: I ended up hating seeing him happy, because it just reminded me that he's happy without needing what I needed too: sexual intimacy. In his newfound confidence with his identity he looked more beautiful than I had ever seen him (and in typical twisted forbidden fruit fashion, of course his unattainability ended up making him only more desirable to me), and content and free, while I felt absolutely terrible and trapped. Seeing him happy ended up serving to me as a bleak reminder that we lived on different planets in different freaking galaxies.

I am so glad that we ended our relationship at that point, because I truly believe that he will be a lifelong friend of mine. I will love that man forever, as I know he will love me forever too, and the amazing thing now is that since we broke up and moved on, (we were together for 7 years, living together, seeing each other each and every day), we see and love each other for who we truly are, with no frustration, no depression, no pressure.

Trying to convince her that you don't need sex is not the way forward, because it's a lie. Sex is a fundamental need for us sexuals, and your need for it is why you're facing such difficult issues with this in the first place. You need to try to see beyond your feelings for her and work out if this is something you can realistically go through with. Whether your girlfriend is fragile or not, you both need to prioritize what is healthy and what is detrimental here. It isn't going to make her feel any better, stronger or healthier to remain in a relationship in which she feels constantly pressured to do sexual things she doesn't want to do. It's better for her to be single, or in a relationship with someone who is compatible with her, and of course the same applies to you too.

If my ex asexual partner and I had tried to continue our relationship, things could have become very dark. Sometimes if you're in a mixed relationship with someone, moving on can mean you can become incredibly good friends. And while the idea of becoming "just friends" with this woman might make you feel like your heart is going to break at the moment, please, please consider how things will be down the line, because you could end up with a lifelong friend in her, and a relationship with a sexual partner who also makes you incredibly happy. Please try to take yourself seriously in all this, because we (especially men I think) don't really get taught that having a sex drive is a serious thing, that makes us truly require gratification. And she must take herself seriously, also because there exists so much pressure in this society to have sex in a relationship. What you're both feeling is natural in accordance to who you are and your desires as human beings.

Take each other seriously and approach your differences gently. She could easily have felt punished by your anger, for having just tried in her mind to do the best she could to keep things going with you. When life throws you a curve ball like this, it takes some trial and error from both of you to really understand what on Earth is going on and how to deal with it. Neither of you are lesser people for your orientation, and in mixed relationships in which you're both struggling with the imbalance, the feeling that you are too little or too much can play havoc with your subconscious and your feelings of self worth. Remember your love for each other as people, because that will see you through anything even if it means the end of your relationship.

[Nigellaseed]

I so enjoy reading your posts Athenafay

[idekrncidc231]

Firstly. Never say anything calling what someone else says as "stupid". That doesn't show caring for a person, even of it is illogical it isn't stupid because it's coming from an unselfish place to try and make YOU happy. I had this problem with my ex. I acted on my feelings at the time when I was upset and he actually called me stupid. You should NEVER call someone or what they say stupid if you truly love them. That being said. My ex was sexual, I am asexual. I told him in the beginning that I didn't want sex until after marriage (back then I didn't know I was asexual nor ever had heard of this term and simply thought my sex repulsion and lack of wanting to have sex and never having been sexually attracted to anyone was because of my belief that fornication was bad because of what the Bible said... I actually realized that even the strongest of Christians with sexual nature are not that way tho ^^; and actually do crave sex and get attracted to people that way much to my surprise) anyway. He kept pressuring me (same as my first sex partner had) he was honest and said he wouldn't stop because of how much he wanted me. I liked his honesty and decided to try it. (Mainly the fear of him possibly leaving me or cheating was in my mind and I stupidly listened to it) but over 2 yrs of sex and his jackassery I am at the point of of despising him very much. Where as true it isn't all the sexual crap he put me through (and there were times I said I wanted to stop that it made me feel horrible but he only pressured me into it again) I just... I didn't even want to be friends with him anymore. I want nothing to do with that mentally abusive man. I don't think he actually loved me like he said but was just using me for sex because I am apparently very sexually attractive. *shudders* bleh makes me sick to think other people see me that way and a bit angry and very depressed as well. I feel like nothing more than a sex toy to men. And so... In short. From an asexual point of view. You cannot allow her to compromise that way and if you cannot compromise that way (which is only fair not to ask you to either) it is decidedly beat not to go further into the relationship. But, if you can be celibate for her you are a strong man. I also have a high labido and where as I am sex-repulsed I also have an annoying urge for sex that pisses me off greatly. I know how hard it is not to want it. I don't want it with other people, just want to masterbate which I find disgusting and repulsive and hate myself for. But I quit it. And I'm not listening to my body's want for sex anymore. There also berries apparently that make you not want sex. *shrugs* so I can only really say. 'How important is she to you?' Because the best thing to do for someone you truly care about is respect them and their needs. As she is trying to force herself to do for you. But don't let her. Shell only resent you in the end as I resent my ex. The disappointment in someone for not appreciating and respecting your needs is immense and as someone else said 'if you love her let her go' I am biased however as I do not see the importance in sex. The feeling was good but it was a disgusting feeling of just sin and primal urge that didn't feel right and felt like I should be burning in hell really. It's just that bad. You try because you purely want to make the person happy. But you aren't happy and it was just a confusing, depressing and disorienting experience. Like I literally lost who I was and was very miserable. I don't know how bad it is for a sexual to not have sex with someone they care about, but i don't think they go through that heart wrenching type of suffering a nonsexual goes through when they have sex. Correct me if I'm wrong tho? One would keep telling them self over and over that one felt close to ones love and such while sleeping with him, but it truly only made me feel more distant and hurt by him. Like I was not important to him and that he merely wanted my body for the pleasure it could give him. Trust me, these will be feelings a nonsexual will have when feeling 'forced' to be sexual with someone. I have rambled on and blacked out a few times forgetting what I was *sneezes* saying ... Meh whatever. My few cents have been added press on.

Edit: I suppose I should also mention, the times that made me feel happy and loved were walking around outside holding hands and just lying cuddling while watching stuff. Back and head rubs weren't so bad either. It's nice to be petted. (Just so you know it wasn't all bad with him and think 'well why did you stay with him for so long?' OK I'm outy!