ninimusic Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 I am really confused about my romantic orientation. It's really... contradictory? I love romance, especially in books. It just makes me feel... good. Like I live romantic love through the characters and it's incredible. So, knowing that, I am in no way romance-repulsed or indifferent. It's just that I don't feel romantically attracted to people. But I would like to! When I was a kid, I had crushes, but never acted on them. I stopped at around twelve years old (at the age where people start having real relationships with kisses and such). Now, whenever I meet a guy, I start "analysing". I wonder if I would like to be in a relationship with them... But then answer is always no. I dated two guys in my life. The first one clearly showed interest in me, so we dated even though I never looked twice his way beforehand. It didn't last (he left because I didn't want sex), but it still broke me. I was conviced I loved him, but I think I just wanted to love and be loved. The second was different. I really liked him and it took a lot of flirting until we were finally together. But once it happened, it just felt... wrong. I didn't want to tell anyone about our relationship and I was uncomfortable when he told me loved me (worse when I had to say it back!). I wanted on thing: being single again. I had a total breakdown one night (the fact I was absolutely not sexually attracted to him didn't help my confusion at the time) and broke up the day after. What is really strange is that I found old journal entries I wrote, and I was talking about him all the time! I had a real crush on him for about two years. I should have been the happiest girl on earth when he reciprocated, yeah? Why the opposite? So, I want romance, I really do, but I just... can't. It's like looking at food, thinking it looks really good, than taking a bite and spitting it on the ground. Does anyone has had a similar experience? Am I aro, demi-romantic, lithromantic or something else? Or just broken? Link to post Share on other sites
AceFireFox Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 Never say you're broken. Cupioromantic? Where you want a romantic relationship but don't experience the romantic attraction? That seems or Lithromantic sound like the most likely options to me. Cupioromantic sounds more likely though. Only you can really decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 27, 2016 Share Posted April 27, 2016 Lithromantic aka Aporomantic (which i prefer because its prefix isn't a metaphor) is when you don't react positively to reciprocation. Aromantics can wish they were "normal", but an aromantic neither feels romantic attraction nor desires a romantic relationship. And your orientation doesn't sound contradictory; liking the concept of something and actually desiring yourself to be in such a situation are two different things. A straight woman liking gay relationships doesn't change anything about her orientation. Also, thinking about who'd be your type/who you could functionally date and actually desiring a relationship are two different things as well. Think of it like "I'm a girl and normal girls wear dresses/society expects it so i want to know my dress size eventhough I'd never want to wear a dress." Link to post Share on other sites
sindi Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 I can relate to your experience very much! It usually goes just like that in my case - I Iove me some romantic daydreams (although my idea of romance wouldn't be the most stereotypical), but can't seem to find anyone who would awaken those feelings in real life. Except that... sometimes I overly idealize a person from a distance. That really only happens in cases where it's obviously unlikely that they would reciprocate (for example if it's a straight female, someone in a happy relationship, someone I barely know and probably won't know unless I approach them myself... even someone kinda hostile at times!). If they against all odds approach me, my feelings for them fade. It's not a conscious process, but a pattern I've noticed. I guess that would make me a lithoromantic? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Correct, that would fall under Lithromantic, or Gray-aromantic's umbrella (i.e. rather than Gray-romantic). Link to post Share on other sites
ninimusic Posted April 28, 2016 Author Share Posted April 28, 2016 sometimes I overly idealize a person from a distance. That's exactly what I do sometimes! It's as if I create a character of my "perfect romantic partner", but with the face and the name of someone I know a little. Once I talk to the person and get to know them, I realise they are not who I dreamed about and I have absolutely no feelings, or at least nothing more than wanting to be friends. Cupioromantic? Where you want a romantic relationship but don't experience the romantic attraction? That seems or Lithromantic sound like the most likely options to me. Cupioromantic sounds more likely though. Only you can really decide. I never really understood cupioromanticism and lithromanticism. Maybe I'll just go with gray-romanticism, since it covers pretty much everything that's not the "norm". Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Our definitions of the terms didn't help? Link to post Share on other sites
AceFireFox Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Personally to me it sounds like Cupioromantic. That you like the idea of romance but you don't feel the romantic attraction and/or are uncomfortable with being in a romantic relationship. But it is up to you to decide at the end of the day :) Link to post Share on other sites
ninimusic Posted April 29, 2016 Author Share Posted April 29, 2016 Our definitions of the terms didn't help? I re-read what you said and check on google, and now I think I understand. Cupioromanticism is when you don't experience romantic attraction but still want to be in a romantic relationship. Lith/aporomanticism is whem you feel romantic attraction but it fades if reciprocated. Am I right? And thanks for all your responses :) Link to post Share on other sites
AceFireFox Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 Yeah basically :) Glad we could help :) Link to post Share on other sites
sindi Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 so they're almost like opposites: cupioromantics have the desire for relationship, but not attraction, while lithoromantics have the attraction, but in practice want no relationship, 'cause the attraction fades if a relationship is started (or even something to realistically consider, in my case)? Link to post Share on other sites
AceFireFox Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 so they're almost like opposites: cupioromantics have the desire for relationship, but not attraction, while lithoromantics have the attraction, but in practice want no relationship, 'cause the attraction fades if a relationship is started (or even something to realistically consider, in my case)? I never thought of it like that O.o But effectively yeah because Lithromantics don't want the feelings returned O.o Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 No, many Liths do desire reciprocation, they just don't react positively when it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
sindi Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 No, many Liths do desire reciprocation, they just don't react positively when it happens. Okay... ? So what would you call someone who literally doesn't want it? Link to post Share on other sites
AceFireFox Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 No, many Liths do desire reciprocation, they just don't react positively when it happens. I've never heard that before. I'm convinced that Lith is/was that they didn't want it reciprocated. And if it is reciprocated it disappears Link to post Share on other sites
Ace of Amethysts Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 I am really confused about my romantic orientation. It's really... contradictory? I love romance, especially in books. It just makes me feel... good. Like I live romantic love through the characters and it's incredible. So, knowing that, I am in no way romance-repulsed or indifferent. It's just that I don't feel romantically attracted to people. But I would like to! When I was a kid, I had crushes, but never acted on them. I stopped at around twelve years old (at the age where people start having real relationships with kisses and such). Now, whenever I meet a guy, I start "analysing". I wonder if I would like to be in a relationship with them... But then answer is always no. I dated two guys in my life. The first one clearly showed interest in me, so we dated even though I never looked twice his way beforehand. It didn't last (he left because I didn't want sex), but it still broke me. I was conviced I loved him, but I think I just wanted to love and be loved. The second was different. I really liked him and it took a lot of flirting until we were finally together. But once it happened, it just felt... wrong. I didn't want to tell anyone about our relationship and I was uncomfortable when he told me loved me (worse when I had to say it back!). I wanted on thing: being single again. I had a total breakdown one night (the fact I was absolutely not sexually attracted to him didn't help my confusion at the time) and broke up the day after. What is really strange is that I found old journal entries I wrote, and I was talking about him all the time! I had a real crush on him for about two years. I should have been the happiest girl on earth when he reciprocated, yeah? Why the opposite? So, I want romance, I really do, but I just... can't. It's like looking at food, thinking it looks really good, than taking a bite and spitting it on the ground. Does anyone has had a similar experience? Am I aro, demi-romantic, lithromantic or something else? Or just broken? I can`t entirely call myself cupioromantic, but I really can relate to this. Link to post Share on other sites
edenwolfie Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 @ ninimusic : I am exactly the same. Love that romance (in theory), love reading about it and get all the warm fuzzies, and then IRL I think 'YEAH I'm totally up for all that' and I get into a relationship and then go 'wtf is this, get it away from me, how dare you.' I've personally settled on aromantic as I feel it describes me best, but as usual, that decision is up to you. The ones suggested above could also fit. Link to post Share on other sites
idekrncidc231 Posted April 30, 2016 Share Posted April 30, 2016 I am the same as well... But I've never had a 'good' relationship before. All my relationships were with mentally abusive sexuals who all wanted me for sex.... So... *shrugs* I like cuddling and cheek kisses and having my head petted... But.?. Sweep me off my feet and wine and dine repulsed me, tho I find it so cute in books and in anime or certain movies (as long is there isn't making out or sex *shudders* meh) but... Ye. I am questioning my romantic orientation as well. Had heteromantic until I realized I'm neutral and don't identify as female nor male nor fluid, I'm just genderless. Then lithromantic until I realized maybe I would like a relationship with another asexual with no sexual pressure since my last relationshipa were nice while they pretended to be nice and loving without the sexual crap in them. So..? *shrugs* I dunno... But you are not broken my dear. It's simply a confusing thing in and of itself. We cannot really control ourselves that way as to say, 'OK you're going to be romantic' sometimes I feel romantic sometimes I'm repulsed by it other times indifferent, sometimes want it sometimes don't. But all in all... I DO want to have one best friend that is closer to me than anyone else and wants to hang out with me more than anyone else and hug and cuddle and most importantly... Play video games with me! xp Link to post Share on other sites
ninimusic Posted May 2, 2016 Author Share Posted May 2, 2016 @ ninimusic : I am exactly the same. Love that romance (in theory), love reading about it and get all the warm fuzzies, and then IRL I think 'YEAH I'm totally up for all that' and I get into a relationship and then go 'wtf is this, get it away from me, how dare you.' I've personally settled on aromantic as I feel it describes me best, but as usual, that decision is up to you. The ones suggested above could also fit. Yeah, we totally get each other :) I love the 'get away from me, how dare you' part, it's exactly how I feel! It's sad though, because being in love seems really nice. But at the same time, I want to be indepedent and relationships are just so complicated. Sometimes I'm kinda depressed because I feel lonely and unwanted, and sometimes I'm like 'Nah, it's not worth the trouble. Let's eat cake in peace instead'. I am the same as well... But I've never had a 'good' relationship before. All my relationships were with mentally abusive sexuals who all wanted me for sex.... So... *shrugs* I like cuddling and cheek kisses and having my head petted... But.?. Sweep me off my feet and wine and dine repulsed me, tho I find it so cute in books and in anime or certain movies (as long is there isn't making out or sex *shudders* meh) but... Ye. I am questioning my romantic orientation as well. Had heteromantic until I realized I'm neutral and don't identify as female nor male nor fluid, I'm just genderless. Then lithromantic until I realized maybe I would like a relationship with another asexual with no sexual pressure since my last relationshipa were nice while they pretended to be nice and loving without the sexual crap in them. So..? *shrugs* I dunno... But you are not broken my dear. It's simply a confusing thing in and of itself. We cannot really control ourselves that way as to say, 'OK you're going to be romantic' sometimes I feel romantic sometimes I'm repulsed by it other times indifferent, sometimes want it sometimes don't. But all in all... I DO want to have one best friend that is closer to me than anyone else and wants to hang out with me more than anyone else and hug and cuddle and most importantly... Play video games with me! xp Wow, I just realised someting with your post. Maybe I just want a best friend? (but I'll switch video games for playing music!) I would like to have someone in my life who is my number one, and also be their number one. But it doesn't have to be romantic. It's just cultural to think it must be... But I've had bad experiences with a best friends in the past (losing a friendship can hurt like hell. Hearing her name and being reminded of her still hurts, and it's been years) so I have a hard time trusting people intimately Link to post Share on other sites
edenwolfie Posted May 3, 2016 Share Posted May 3, 2016 @ ninimusic : I am exactly the same. Love that romance (in theory), love reading about it and get all the warm fuzzies, and then IRL I think 'YEAH I'm totally up for all that' and I get into a relationship and then go 'wtf is this, get it away from me, how dare you.' I've personally settled on aromantic as I feel it describes me best, but as usual, that decision is up to you. The ones suggested above could also fit. Yeah, we totally get each other :) I love the 'get away from me, how dare you' part, it's exactly how I feel! It's sad though, because being in love seems really nice. But at the same time, I want to be indepedent and relationships are just so complicated. Sometimes I'm kinda depressed because I feel lonely and unwanted, and sometimes I'm like 'Nah, it's not worth the trouble. Let's eat cake in peace instead'. Yup, that's exactly how I feel about that, the eternal see-saw of 'Man, romance seems great and I want to be loved' followed by 'NAH WHATEVER I don't care' back to 'Holy shit I care so much', end up in a relationship and go 'NOPE I was wrong' and it is all terrible haha. Why must things be difficult... Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamsofemerald Posted May 3, 2016 Share Posted May 3, 2016 @ ninimusic : I am exactly the same. Love that romance (in theory), love reading about it and get all the warm fuzzies, and then IRL I think 'YEAH I'm totally up for all that' and I get into a relationship and then go 'wtf is this, get it away from me, how dare you.' I've personally settled on aromantic as I feel it describes me best, but as usual, that decision is up to you. The ones suggested above could also fit. Yup that's me all over. The thing is though I thought I WAS romantic for the longest time but lately (last 2 years) I'm like ew get away from me unless I'm really drunk then sometimes I won't mind kissing etc. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 4, 2016 Share Posted May 4, 2016 No, many Liths do desire reciprocation, they just don't react positively when it happens. Okay... ? So what would you call someone who literally doesn't want it? I said MANY, not ALL. Some Lith are as aformentioned, some are as you originally stated, and some develop the feeling over time. Also, some Liths can be in sexual/romantic relationships if the partner indifferently unreciprocates. Link to post Share on other sites
_Alys_ Posted July 6, 2016 Share Posted July 6, 2016 @ ninimusic : I am exactly the same. Love that romance (in theory), love reading about it and get all the warm fuzzies, and then IRL I think 'YEAH I'm totally up for all that' and I get into a relationship and then go 'wtf is this, get it away from me, how dare you.' I've personally settled on aromantic as I feel it describes me best, but as usual, that decision is up to you. The ones suggested above could also fit. Yeah, we totally get each other :) I love the 'get away from me, how dare you' part, it's exactly how I feel! It's sad though, because being in love seems really nice. But at the same time, I want to be indepedent and relationships are just so complicated. Sometimes I'm kinda depressed because I feel lonely and unwanted, and sometimes I'm like 'Nah, it's not worth the trouble. Let's eat cake in peace instead'. I am the same as well... But I've never had a 'good' relationship before. All my relationships were with mentally abusive sexuals who all wanted me for sex.... So... *shrugs* I like cuddling and cheek kisses and having my head petted... But.?. Sweep me off my feet and wine and dine repulsed me, tho I find it so cute in books and in anime or certain movies (as long is there isn't making out or sex *shudders* meh) but... Ye. I am questioning my romantic orientation as well. Had heteromantic until I realized I'm neutral and don't identify as female nor male nor fluid, I'm just genderless. Then lithromantic until I realized maybe I would like a relationship with another asexual with no sexual pressure since my last relationshipa were nice while they pretended to be nice and loving without the sexual crap in them. So..? *shrugs* I dunno... But you are not broken my dear. It's simply a confusing thing in and of itself. We cannot really control ourselves that way as to say, 'OK you're going to be romantic' sometimes I feel romantic sometimes I'm repulsed by it other times indifferent, sometimes want it sometimes don't. But all in all... I DO want to have one best friend that is closer to me than anyone else and wants to hang out with me more than anyone else and hug and cuddle and most importantly... Play video games with me! xp Wow, I just realised someting with your post. Maybe I just want a best friend? (but I'll switch video games for playing music!) I would like to have someone in my life who is my number one, and also be their number one. But it doesn't have to be romantic. It's just cultural to think it must be... But I've had bad experiences with a best friends in the past (losing a friendship can hurt like hell. Hearing her name and being reminded of her still hurts, and it's been years) so I have a hard time trusting people intimately Wow I'm the same way. Like I REALLY want to have a person who I share an exclusive relationship with, but not necessarily in a romantic way. Just a really close "more than friend" who I share my life with. A life partner perhaps. Someone who I wake up to every morning, who I can come home to at night, to be my plus one, and have a family with, but without all of that pressure to be romantic and sexual and such. I guess you just have to find someone who has the same idea of a relationship as you do, which is hard unfortunately because most people are sexual/romantic. I wish there was a "dating" site for people like us to find our versions of partnerships. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 A queerplatonic and/or a hyporomantic dating site? Yah, that would be useful to alot of people, but as far as i know there isn't one. Someone needs to get on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 But all in all... I DO want to have one best friend that is closer to me than anyone else and wants to hang out with me more than anyone else and hug and cuddle and most importantly... Play video games with me! xp Me! Hahaha, OMG, that's me. I'll play video games with you! Link to post Share on other sites
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