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"You'll have to be content with your partner getting their kicks outside your relationship"


sarahmo11

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The framing of their statement was rude (and inaccurate, as compromising on sex is a thing among many mixed-couples), but it underlines the point that Mysticus brought up. If you want a relationship with someone who will happily accept permanent celibacy to be with you, you have shrunk your dating pool down to a tiny, tiny demographic: other asexuals and allosexuals who have a weak enough sex drive that they can get by without sexlessness shredding their self-esteem and ability to be happy.

Go for it, if it's really what will make you happy. But prepare yourself for a lot of work.

Well if it's a choice between putting the work in or having to have sex or having to be forced into a polyamorous situation when you aren't emotionally capable of that, hell yeah it's worth putting the effort in to find someone who 1) is asexual or 2) *gasp* is actually willing to be celibate to be your monogamous partner. There actually are sexual people like that around. I personally will only be with asexuals as I don't personally want to force someone to be celibate who would rather be having sex, but that's just a personal thing. I will also settle for nothing less than total monogamy, end of. It just happens though that there are thousands and thousands of people on this site alone (let alone all the other ace websites) that I could potentially develop a relationship with (if I wasn't already taken) ..So.. it's really not that hard finding monogamous ace partners after all, if you put your mind to it.

The OP seems genuinely shocked and dismayed at the notion that a future partner she pursues wouldn't happily accept celibacy to be with her. She basically stated a variation on "If they really loved me, they'd be happy without sex!". I get that the sexuals on this board that remind people that sex is very important to a lot of people, and love doesn't conquer all, kinda come off as Debbie Downers to folks trying to stay positive. But if you honestly think an Ace that doesn't want sex in their relationship will not have a significantly harder time finding the right person for them than an allosexual who loves and wants sex, then I don't know what to tell you...

I am beginning to distance myself from my Ace female friend who I recently had to inform that her sex aversion makes any notion of me being her romantic partner a non-starter. She didn't want to compromise at all, including the option to not be monogamous. She still thinks I'm being an a-hole for not blithely accepting celibacy for her. I felt bad at first, but then I realized that she has never tried for one second to see things from my perspective. I am just suppose to adopt her values and have the relationship she wants us to have. :angry: I am beginning to not want to be her friend anymore.

You seem to be projecting a bit onto the OP. They were dismayed over being told by a friend/family member that they either have to put out, or accept their partner banging other people. That's a huge difference between a potential partner being incompatible because they want sex and the OP does not.

As for your friend, sounds like you two just weren't compatible. Nothing wrong with either of you, you just don't mesh romantically. If she is upset over that, understandable, though that doesn't make you the one in the wrong for wanting sex. But, it doesn't make her in the wrong for not wanting to have sex or do non-monogamy. It just means you wanted vastly different things.

OP - Yeah I have heard it. The "no one will want a romantic relationship without sex, if your partner cheats, it's your own fault and you shouldn't be mad" thing. It's ... silly. Of course someone can be upset if an agreed upon relationship boundary is crossed!

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I'd like to have a happy partner.

If I happen to be fulfilling for somebody, fine. But if I am not, I don't mind them to seek the rest wherever.

Especially if I am not sexual enough for them I'd be happy for them to find somebody for that role, the same way as I'd borrow somebody's girlfriend for lunch, clothes shopping assistance or going to the theater (stuff I don't always enjoy on my own).

To me being partnered means finding something special in that relationship. - If it was sex for me, I wouldn't be here.

As long as I am no neglected serious alternative, I will not get jealous on anything.

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El-not-so-ace

Yeah, for that basic need stuff, I'd compare it with being denied any tasty food for the rest of my life. Sure, I can survive on grass and bread alone, but if I'll never be able to even taste a tiny piece of chocolate for the rest of my life... I'd consider it very immense suffering. So while it's okay to ask a sexual to be celibate and monogamous, there needs to be a very huge appreciation of them since it's a pretty important need. As I unfortunately (or fortunately?) found out when I wasn't a pure ace anymore. :P

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nanogretchen4

In my opinion it is pretty unreasonable to ask a sexual person to be celibate and monogamous. I don't think asexuals should date sexuals with the idea that they can persuade one to make this terrible sacrifice for them. Instead, asexuals should look for other asexuals to date, and should put as much time and effort into that search as is necessary.

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Fire & Rain

I'm innately poly and I gave my partner the choice to sleep with others. They refused.

You can't expect both poly and mono people to change their nature just like that. Just like you can't help being monogamous it's just as difficult for a poly person to be in a monogamous relationship too.

But is this even about polyamory? Is this about they are having sex outside of a relationship? I wouldn't consider that polyamory. There has to be a level of commitment involved. Sex is non committal.

In my opinion, if sex wasn't part of the relationship between two people in the first place, each of them would have no say about each other's sex lives.

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In my opinion it is pretty unreasonable to ask a sexual person to be celibate and monogamous. I don't think asexuals should date sexuals with the idea that they can persuade one to make this terrible sacrifice for them. Instead, asexuals should look for other asexuals to date, and should put as much time and effort into that search as is necessary.

If you are an asexual who wont in any way compromise with sex, like me, than you should not pursue dating sexuals. I mean why bother with the eventual hassel of them expecting sex from you when you know you don't want to have sex. This is different from asexuals who get into relationships not knowing they were asexuals. You know how you feel about sex. This eliminates a good percentage of the population. Try to find asexuals to date or enjoy the single life(like me).

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In my opinion it is pretty unreasonable to ask a sexual person to be celibate and monogamous. I don't think asexuals should date sexuals with the idea that they can persuade one to make this terrible sacrifice for them. Instead, asexuals should look for other asexuals to date, and should put as much time and effort into that search as is necessary.

If you are an asexual who wont in any way compromise with sex, like me, than you should not pursue dating sexuals. I mean why bother with the eventual hassel of them expecting sex from you when you know you don't want to have sex. This is different from asexuals who get into relationships not knowing they were asexuals. You know how you feel about sex. This eliminates a good percentage of the population. Try to find asexuals to date or enjoy the single life(like me).

Nah... as long as you're completely honest about it right from the start, I think it's better to leave the choice of whether or not they want to take you up on these conditions to the prospective partner. I don't think it's completely fair to make that decision over their heads.

Even when nine out of ten sexuals will - and for good, perfectly understandable reasons - immediately decline the option of being in a relationship with you when you tell them that sex is simply off the table, permanently, that last one in ten still might end up thinking you're the best partner they ever were with if you give them a chance, even despite the "no sex thing". People are pretty complex creatures (yes, even sexuals! *le gasp* ), and sometimes they manage to completely surprise you as to what they want and where their priorities lie.

Of course, if the idea of getting immediately turned down nine times is too daunting for a repulsed/noncomopromising ace to bear, that is a legitimate reason to not bother to try dating sexuals. But in that case, it's more honest to own up to the reason being one's own problems with being unable to take rejection well. Trying to make the reason about sexuals is lying to yourself in order to save self-image... and I just don't think that's fully kosher.

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I have, as well as several asexuals on this board, have dealt with cases of sexuals who say that they would be completely okay with having no sex, only for later on many of them simply saw it as you just needed more time, and ask for sexual favors later on. It is extremely common. Rather not deal with the hassel unless I feel as though I can compromise on certain sexual sitautions. As of now, I cant, so I won't bother. I advise other noncompromising aces to do similar or date asexuals.

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I have, as well as several asexuals on this board, have dealt with cases of sexuals who say that they would be completely okay with having no sex, only for later on many of them simply saw it as you just needed more time, and ask for sexual favors later on. It is extremely common. Rather not deal with the hassel unless I feel as though I can compromise on certain sexual sitautions. As of now, I cant, so I won't bother. I advise other noncompromising aces to do similar or date asexuals.

Well, people don't always know themselves, or sometimes are not totally honest. That's a risk with everything, not just sexual interests.

Personally, my reasoning for not wanting to date sexuals anymore is that I don't want sex and even knowing they want it - even if they never bother me about it - would put stress on me.

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ChillaKilla

No one else seems big enough to say it. You are incredibly selfish in your thinking. Your question is about "me", what about your partner? You don't seem to give a fly shit about them.

If you are too myopic to care about someones basic human needs, you do not need to be in a relationship. Find an asexual to be with, or stop your bitching. Expecting someone else to without a basic biological need because of what you want is horrible.

Do you deserve monogamy? Sure. Does your partner deserve a sex life? You don't seem to care.

That's a pretty gross way to say that. Would you say the same to a sexual partner? I doubt it. You don't seem to care that an asexual partner doesn't want a sex life. Why should an asexual have to compromise? It goes both ways. The sexual is the selfish one thinking they're entitled to sex in a relationship. If they don't like their partner's asexuality, then they should leave and stop expecting people to change for them. And vice versa, of course, but not the point so much.

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OutsideObserver

I have, as well as several asexuals on this board, have dealt with cases of sexuals who say that they would be completely okay with having no sex, only for later on many of them simply saw it as you just needed more time, and ask for sexual favors later on. It is extremely common. Rather not deal with the hassel unless I feel as though I can compromise on certain sexual sitautions. As of now, I cant, so I won't bother. I advise other noncompromising aces to do similar or date asexuals.

That's the second layer of difficulty I see for sex-repulsed aces. One in ten sexuals may agree to celibacy at first, but after a year, or five, or twenty, they realize what that really means for them. To say nothing of ignorant or just plain disrespectful sexuals who just don't believe or care what you say and try to treat the relationship as sexual without any real consent.

And, yes, the correct answer to those situations is to dissolve the relationship. But that still sucks for the asexual to have to go through, even more so when they've gotten attached to the person.

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I have, as well as several asexuals on this board, have dealt with cases of sexuals who say that they would be completely okay with having no sex, only for later on many of them simply saw it as you just needed more time, and ask for sexual favors later on. It is extremely common. Rather not deal with the hassel unless I feel as though I can compromise on certain sexual sitautions. As of now, I cant, so I won't bother. I advise other noncompromising aces to do similar or date asexuals.

Dealing with it that way would have deprived me of the one happy, long-term realtionship I had the honor and pleasure of being in (six and a half years). So yeah, I obviously can't and won't second that advice.

Now, there are people who are right out for me and whom I won't consider dating - heterosexuals and monogamous people are simply off my list, because these are pretty much guaranteed to be combinations that would just lead to massive, unresolvable unhappiness on either or both sides. But sexuals as a whole? Nope. And trust me, there are sexuals who are far more compatible with me than a lot of aces could ever be, even when I'm a strongly repulsed ace, myself. Speaking from experience here, see above. ;)

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I have, as well as several asexuals on this board, have dealt with cases of sexuals who say that they would be completely okay with having no sex, only for later on many of them simply saw it as you just needed more time, and ask for sexual favors later on. It is extremely common. Rather not deal with the hassel unless I feel as though I can compromise on certain sexual sitautions. As of now, I cant, so I won't bother. I advise other noncompromising aces to do similar or date asexuals.

Well, people don't always know themselves, or sometimes are not totally honest. That's a risk with everything, not just sexual interests.

Personally, my reasoning for not wanting to date sexuals anymore is that I don't want sex and even knowing they want it - even if they never bother me about it - would put stress on me.

Which is why I said those aces who know they won't compromise. At this moment in my life, I will not compromise on sex and sexual sitautions. I'm highly sex repulse and will only date sexuals if I feel more comfortable with sexual sitautions. I want to be able to compromise a little. Right now, the thought of it makes me sick so no sexual dating for me.

I am in a sitaution with someone I know very well who claims that they want more and can take living the rest of their lives without sex just to have me. But I know by past behaviors, like him knowing I don't like sexual stuff, yet still trying to convince me to try things with him, that prevents me from ever taking that seriously.

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I have, as well as several asexuals on this board, have dealt with cases of sexuals who say that they would be completely okay with having no sex, only for later on many of them simply saw it as you just needed more time, and ask for sexual favors later on. It is extremely common. Rather not deal with the hassel unless I feel as though I can compromise on certain sexual sitautions. As of now, I cant, so I won't bother. I advise other noncompromising aces to do similar or date asexuals.

Dealing with it that way would have deprived me of the one happy, long-term realtionship I had the honor and pleasure of being in (six and a half years). So yeah, I obviously can't and won't second that advice.

Now, there are people who are right out for me and whom I won't consider dating - heterosexuals and monogamous people are simply off my list, because these are pretty much guaranteed to be combinations that would just lead to massive, unresolvable unhappiness on either or both sides. But sexuals as a whole? Nope. And trust me, there are sexuals who are far more compatible with me than a lot of aces could ever be, even when I'm a strongly repulsed ace, myself. Speaking from experience here, see above. ;)

We can agree to disagree.

Though Im curious is the relationship completely sexless, and if so does your partner have sex with another partner?

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OutsideObserver

You seem to be projecting a bit onto the OP. They were dismayed over being told by a friend/family member that they either have to put out, or accept their partner banging other people. That's a huge difference between a potential partner being incompatible because they want sex and the OP does not.

As for your friend, sounds like you two just weren't compatible. Nothing wrong with either of you, you just don't mesh romantically. If she is upset over that, understandable, though that doesn't make you the one in the wrong for wanting sex. But, it doesn't make her in the wrong for not wanting to have sex or do non-monogamy. It just means you wanted vastly different things.

I probably am. But she didn't say anything about accepting cheating. She was implying that she was offended by the notion that she'd have to be Polyamorous to be in a relationship with a sexual. Which is not accurate, but not entirely unfounded. An Ace who won't compromise sexually, and isn't comfortable with their partner getting that need met elsewhere, is going to find the pool of people who would be happy being with them drastically reduced.

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Don't worry. This isn't always the case. Not all sexuals have to go to someone else to fill that need. If they are deeply in love with you, they may be able to just satisfy that by themselves and not cheat on you. You are totally worth monogamy!

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Telecaster68
Not all sexuals have to go to someone else to fill that need. If they are deeply in love with you, they may be able to just satisfy that by themselves and not cheat on you.

They may. For a while.

Equally, an asexual partner may be convinced they can put up with sex if they're deeply in love. However much either partner wants to accommodate the other sexually, it often doesn't last for the long term.

The sexual is the selfish one thinking they're entitled to sex in a relationship. If they don't like their partner's asexuality, then they should leave and stop expecting people to change for them. And vice versa, of course, but not the point so much.

And yet the vice versa is seldom brought up, because the default situation for a relationship where sex is an issue, is that the partner who wants least gets what they want, because:rape. So they have less incentive to upset the applecart.

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Though Im curious is the relationship completely sexless, and if so does your partner have sex with another partner?

Yes, it was, and yes, she did. :)

Let me rephrase than. Monogamous uncompromising aces are better left single or dating asexuals.

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Though Im curious is the relationship completely sexless, and if so does your partner have sex with another partner?

Yes, it was, and yes, she did. :)

Let me rephrase than. Monogamous uncompromising aces are better left single or dating asexuals.

And with that rephrasing, I would disagree one heck of a lot less. :) :cake:

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Though Im curious is the relationship completely sexless, and if so does your partner have sex with another partner?

Yes, it was, and yes, she did. :)
Let me rephrase than. Monogamous uncompromising aces are better left single or dating asexuals.

And with that rephrasing, I would disagree one heck of a lot less. :) :cake:
Awesome!:cake:
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Me personally, I am naturally super monogamous (I am anti-porn too). So when someone says something like that, it feels like I'll never find someone! So this is why when meeting someone, I automatically tell them that I'm asexual/demi after getting a little closer to them. Like many of you, I have been cheated on in most of my past relationships, and this has made me really wary of dating again. They key is finding someone who doesn't value sex as the most important thing. And remember, sexuality is a wide spectrum, no two people are the same. Some people are super sexual, while others are not so much and would rather do other things. And relationships are all about compromise and building a bond with your significant other! Don't be discouraged by people's insensitive remarks!

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You seem to be projecting a bit onto the OP. They were dismayed over being told by a friend/family member that they either have to put out, or accept their partner banging other people. That's a huge difference between a potential partner being incompatible because they want sex and the OP does not.

As for your friend, sounds like you two just weren't compatible. Nothing wrong with either of you, you just don't mesh romantically. If she is upset over that, understandable, though that doesn't make you the one in the wrong for wanting sex. But, it doesn't make her in the wrong for not wanting to have sex or do non-monogamy. It just means you wanted vastly different things.

I probably am. But she didn't say anything about accepting cheating. She was implying that she was offended by the notion that she'd have to be Polyamorous to be in a relationship with a sexual. Which is not accurate, but not entirely unfounded. An Ace who won't compromise sexually, and isn't comfortable with their partner getting that need met elsewhere, is going to find the pool of people who would be happy being with them drastically reduced.

There is no requirement to be polyamorous to be in a relationship, either. You can be monogamous and celibate and still have relationships. Sure, it cuts your pool down, but it doesn't remove it. Telling anyone they have to be content with anything they don't want is ... just not true and rather rude. Being child free cuts your pool down, being an odd religion, being asexual, being hypersexual, being... anything other than average cuts your pool. Doesn't mean you have to give up what you want and "suck it up" to find a relationship.

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Not all sexuals have to go to someone else to fill that need. If they are deeply in love with you, they may be able to just satisfy that by themselves and not cheat on you.

They may. For a while.

Equally, an asexual partner may be convinced they can put up with sex if they're deeply in love. However much either partner wants to accommodate the other sexually, it often doesn't last for the long term.

The sexual is the selfish one thinking they're entitled to sex in a relationship. If they don't like their partner's asexuality, then they should leave and stop expecting people to change for them. And vice versa, of course, but not the point so much.

And yet the vice versa is seldom brought up, because the default situation for a relationship where sex is an issue, is that the partner who wants least gets what they want, because:rape. So they have less incentive to upset the applecart.

The vice versa situation has been brought up on AVEN quite a bit (including by me), and we've also discussed your incorrect implication that the asexual person has control of the situation.

Bringing up rape in this thread (or any other thread that doesn't specifically involve it) is pretty crummy, Tele.

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I my opinion it depends on what you have decided when you started dating. If you knew that you were asexual but never brought it up until the relationship had gotten serious, and then just assumed that your partner will have to live without sex for the foreseeable future, I think that's unreasonable and you would indeed have to settle for an open relationship.

If you only realized that you're asexual when you were already in the relationship, it gets more complicated, but if your partner has a strong sex drive, I think you'll have to consider some kind of a compromise (from having sex sometimes/in some form, to an open relationship) or just breaking up.

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Telecaster68

Not all sexuals have to go to someone else to fill that need. If they are deeply in love with you, they may be able to just satisfy that by themselves and not cheat on you.

They may. For a while. Equally, an asexual partner may be convinced they can put up with sex if they're deeply in love. However much either partner wants to accommodate the other sexually, it often doesn't last for the long term.

The sexual is the selfish one thinking they're entitled to sex in a relationship. If they don't like their partner's asexuality, then they should leave and stop expecting people to change for them. And vice versa, of course, but not the point so much.

And yet the vice versa is seldom brought up, because the default situation for a relationship where sex is an issue, is that the partner who wants least gets what they want, because:rape. So they have less incentive to upset the applecart.
The vice versa situation has been brought up on AVEN quite a bit (including by me), and we've also discussed your incorrect implication that the asexual person has control of the situation.Bringing up rape in this thread (or any other thread that doesn't specifically involve it) is pretty crummy, Tele.

The one who does want sex within a relationship doesn't get to have it merely because they want it, because it requires their partner's consent. The one who doesn't want sex within that relationship gets to not have it because not having it doesn't require their partner's consent. The one who doesn't want it has control of whether sex happens. If they didn't, it would be rape.

It's not crummy to use the word, it's just calling a spade a spade. I'm not saying consent shouldn't be prime, I'm saying this is how the dynamics work because it is prime.

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UncommonNonsense

For a family member to say that, especially in such a blunt, offensive manner, *is* a kick in the metaphorical gut. To me, that would signify that the person saying it was actively calculating to hurt me, and that is never right. That's fighting dirty, as I see it. Akin to telling someone that the deceased parent they idolized would be ashamed of them, or that they were the very same as someone with whom they'd had a very conflicted, painful relationship. Fighting dirty. Even worse when such a comment was said outside the heated, heightened emotions of conflict. If you weren't in the midst of a verbal slinging match with that person, and they said something *that* calculated to cause pain.... well, to me, that's inexcusable.

Maybe there is a greater risk that a sexually-oriented partner will stray from a relationship with a sex-repulsed ace who cannot compromise... but judging by how many people get caught cheating or admit to affairs even when they have an active sex life with their spouse/real partner, any relationship could carry that risk. Relationships don't come with guarantees.

All that said, as a pretty seriously repulsed ace, I no longer seek to date. Too many negative experiences with guys who said they were fine with my being ace/sex-repulsed, but over time began to exert pressure on me to engage in sex with them, and in a few cases tried to force sex on me. If I found an ace person in my area who was interested in dating, I'd date that person, but I just don't want to set myself up for stress and heartache by dating an allo person with whom I know there'd be a major incompatibility right from the start. I don't want to get hurt again, and I don't want someone else to get hurt in the process.

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sarahmo11

For a family member to say that, especially in such a blunt, offensive manner, *is* a kick in the metaphorical gut. To me, that would signify that the person saying it was actively calculating to hurt me, and that is never right. That's fighting dirty, as I see it. Akin to telling someone that the deceased parent they idolized would be ashamed of them, or that they were the very same as someone with whom they'd had a very conflicted, painful relationship. Fighting dirty. Even worse when such a comment was said outside the heated, heightened emotions of conflict. If you weren't in the midst of a verbal slinging match with that person, and they said something *that* calculated to cause pain.... well, to me, that's inexcusable.

Maybe there is a greater risk that a sexually-oriented partner will stray from a relationship with a sex-repulsed ace who cannot compromise... but judging by how many people get caught cheating or admit to affairs even when they have an active sex life with their spouse/real partner, any relationship could carry that risk. Relationships don't come with guarantees.

All that said, as a pretty seriously repulsed ace, I no longer seek to date. Too many negative experiences with guys who said they were fine with my being ace/sex-repulsed, but over time began to exert pressure on me to engage in sex with them, and in a few cases tried to force sex on me. If I found an ace person in my area who was interested in dating, I'd date that person, but I just don't want to set myself up for stress and heartache by dating an allo person with whom I know there'd be a major incompatibility right from the start. I don't want to get hurt again, and I don't want someone else to get hurt in the process.

I completely agree with everything you've said, and I know what it's like to have sex forced on you. For that reason, I haven't dated anyone in quite some time. I'm terrified it will happen again, and I don't know any Aces where I live. I would love to meet people who share the same ideals, and I don't want to have my significant other compromise because they feel that they have to. I would want them to be happy, and I know it would be best to let them go and let them date someone sexual just like they are.

I understand everything said in this thread and it's brought a lot of good thoughts to mind, a lot of good arguments.

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