"You'll have to be content with your partner getting their kicks outside your relationship"

[sarahmo11]

I just found this forum a few days ago, and I'm so ecstatic to be interacting with people who just get it.

As, you've read the title, I'd like to know how many have heard this in their lives. I'd also like to know who's for and who's against it.

When my loved one said it to me, it was like a kick in the gut. Why, just because I'm asexual, do I have to settle for a polygamous relationship? Am I not worth monogamy? All I wanted to ask them back was, "Would you be capable of doing that if you were in my shoes?

I want to make it clear, that I'm only speaking for myself here, I know that many people are totally fine with the idea, and that's wonderful! I'm glad you've made a decision you're happy with. I just had to ask and see what others said.

Sarah <3

[Sisky]

Yeah, I sure ain't going to kick my partner. If he's into that stuff, he has to find someone else. :P

Relationships are mutual and you never "have to be content" with anything. Work on a compromise or end it if you find no acceptable solution.

[Amedot]

I was raised by my mum and dad, who are not in a monogamous marriage. My dad has boyfriends, I've even met a few while growing up. This isn't necessarily advertised by my parents (what goes on in someone's bedroom isn't anyone's business), but I still think it allowed me to grow up with more of an open mind in terms of relationships.

Many sexual people are monogamous and wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping with people other than their partners. I think it's really rude of people to assume that about any relationship you get into... what happens in your bedroom is you and your partner's business not theirs.

[Guest]

Heh. I'm poly by nature... I would never settle for monogamy. It's either poly/open right from the start, or there will not be a relationship, end of story.

Likewise, of course, I respect the right of other people - those who are naturally mono - to draw the mirrored line, and put down monogamy as a condition without which they won't enter (or stay in) a relationship.

While all terms of relationships are to be decided on by the people in that relationship, alone, nobody is ever entitled to expect any kind of compromise in a relationship, and everyone has the right to formulate absolute dealbreakers and can expect to have them absolutely respected without challenge. The flip side of the coin, of course, is that everyone must accept, without nagging or manipulation, the right of the other party to decide to leave the relationship at any time, for whatever reason... and likewise, to humbly accept that the higher the number of dealbreakers one formulated, the smaller the "dating pool" becomes.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I guess this would depend on what are the arrangements. I would say that as long as they dont come and get me into any sort of trouble, that they can go do whatever they want but Im afraid that this would be percieved as cold and uncaring.

[oldgeeza]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome along, I'm glad you found this site, you'll find a lot of very helpful people with good advice to offer.

I'm going to be honest with you and say, I haven't been in a relationship for 25 years, I am a person who believes in loyalty, every relationship I have been in, I was cheated on, hence my staying single, I don't think I would like my partner to be getting their kicks outside of the relationship, I am always upfront, I always said I'm asexual, zero sex drive, no interest in that side of a relationship, that's probably why they cheated on me, though mostly, they were in a relationship when they went with me. If I were to go with someone, I'd accept them for the way they are, bad habits the lot, but then, I guess I'm asking a bit much to expect the same from them, I guess it's what works for you

[nanogretchen4]

If the loved one who told you this is your current partner, it sounds like what you can't have is a sexless monogamous relationship with this particular partner. In general, very few sexuals are really okay longterm with sexless monogamous relationships. I think your best bet is to actively look for other asexuals to date, rather than trying to date people who are intrinsically incompatible.

[WoodwindWhistler]

I guess I'm in a unique position when it comes to this. I don't want penetrative sex. Pretty much ever. So, in the case that that makes necessary polyamorous behavoir on my s.o.'s part, I would allow it, no problems. However, I'm not going to be touching them sexually at all if that's the case. I'd restrict to purely sensual. Because that would mean I'd need to trust *two* people not to get STDs- one of which probably won't be in a committed poly arrangement with my s.o., and whose elsewhere behavoir I do not know. I'm thinking a 'closed poly' relationship might work well for me, but only with people I got to know really, really, well and trusted a lot. Possibly lived with for a while.

[SithLord]

I've never heard that from someone unless we're discussing open relationships, never because of my asexuality. Even my "open" relationship with my boyfriend was just a title since he's 100% monogamous while I'm more open to the idea of polyamory.

[FlaafyTaffy]

If you are going to date a sexual person, there is going to have to be some compromise between both parties. A sexual person (usually) needs sex to feel fulfilled and satisfied in the relationship, so unless you (general "you") are willing to compromise and have sex sometimes, then they are going to have to find another way to get that need fulfilled, which is often times when they decide to open up the relationship.

You don't HAVE to have an open relationship when dating a sexual person. But you do have to sort of compromise on the sex thing. It all depends on the couple and their relationship. Communication is very important. There is nothing wrong with wanting a monogamous relationship, it works for a lot of people. You deserve monogamy if that's what you want. However if you aren't comfortable with sex at all, and don't want it at all, it's probably best to find another asexual person to date.

[verily-forsooth-egads]

I don't see why not. It seems like a reasonable compromise. I don't value sex in a relationship, so I'm not going to be personally offended if my partner has it with someone else. Could they potentially grow closer emotionally to that person than to me? Sure they could, but that's no reason to write off the whole idea—every relationship is different.

That said, I'd still rather date an ace.

[Star Bit]

Polyamory and an open relationship (which are two different things) are very valid options. And yah, if you aren't the sexually compromising type and your partner isn't the no sex type, then that'd be the only option past breaking up.

[Evren]

I won't care but then again I am the kind of person who would love to be dating/cuddling with multiple people. I could be monogamous, I think, but I'm not sure. I've never really understood the idea of monogamy. However if it is important to you of course you can have that as a perquisite of your relationship.

[SquidKen]

I have heard that before, and it's a crummy thing to say to someone. However I'm open to an open relationship (with rules of course). I would be a bit worried about them perhaps growing more attached to them, because I'm told sex can lead to that, and any kind of real affection would only be for me. No one else could have cuddles or kisses, just sex.

I'd much much rather just date another ace though. That just seems to be unlikely, I've never met another ace, then we would have to match up well in our personalities and likely our views on sex, have to get along... I feel it would be easier to work something out with a sexual, more likely anyway.

[Homer]

All I wanted to ask them back was, "Would you be capable of doing that if you were in my shoes?

Did you proceed to ask this question?

[aceghost]

When my loved one said it to me, it was like a kick in the gut. Why, just because I'm asexual, do I have to settle for a polygamous relationship? Am I not worth monogamy?

I totally feel you on this. Just wanted to offer you *hugs* and support. There's nothing wrong with you, and you shouldn't feel you have to "settle" in such an important aspect of your life. You are totally worthy of monogamy (if that's what you like). But it is possible that this particular individual isn't worthy of you.

[eastman]

No one else seems big enough to say it. You are incredibly selfish in your thinking. Your question is about "me", what about your partner? You don't seem to give a fly shit about them.

If you are too myopic to care about someones basic human needs, you do not need to be in a relationship. Find an asexual to be with, or stop your bitching. Expecting someone else to without a basic biological need because of what you want is horrible.

Do you deserve monogamy? Sure. Does your partner deserve a sex life? You don't seem to care.

[sarahmo11]

All I wanted to ask them back was, "Would you be capable of doing that if you were in my shoes?

Did you proceed to ask this question?

I did, actually. They didn't have much to say back to that.

[nanogretchen4]

Neither person is selfish or unworthy or bad. It is simply the case that a polyamorous sexual and a monogamous asexual are incompatible. They can't get their needs met by dating each other, so they shouldn't date each other.

[sarahmo11]

If the loved one who told you this is your current partner, it sounds like what you can't have is a sexless monogamous relationship with this particular partner. In general, very few sexuals are really okay longterm with sexless monogamous relationships. I think your best bet is to actively look for other asexuals to date, rather than trying to date people who are intrinsically incompatible.

It wasn't a romantic partner. It was someone in my family group.

[sarahmo11]

No one else seems big enough to say it. You are incredibly selfish in your thinking. Your question is about "me", what about your partner? You don't seem to give a fly shit about them.

If you are too myopic to care about someones basic human needs, you do not need to be in a relationship. Find an asexual to be with, or stop your bitching. Expecting someone else to without a basic biological need because of what you want is horrible.

Do you deserve monogamy? Sure. Does your partner deserve a sex life? You don't seem to care.

I don't have a partner, so the only thing I'm worried about right now is ME. If I had one, then you'd be correct. However, I don't. And simply asking a question to get other people's opinions isn't selfish. That's why I'm asking in the first place. To see where other people lie on the issue.

[nanogretchen4]

Ah. Well I recommend that you politely thank them for their input and then just ignore it if it doesn't work for you. You're under no obligation to enter a polyamorous relationship, or any other sort of relationship for that matter.

[OutsideObserver]

No one else seems big enough to say it. You are incredibly selfish in your thinking. Your question is about "me", what about your partner? You don't seem to give a fly shit about them.

If you are too myopic to care about someones basic human needs, you do not need to be in a relationship. Find an asexual to be with, or stop your bitching. Expecting someone else to without a basic biological need because of what you want is horrible.

Do you deserve monogamy? Sure. Does your partner deserve a sex life? You don't seem to care.

I don't have a partner, so the only thing I'm worried about right now is ME. If I had one, then you'd be correct. However, I don't. And simply asking a question to get other people's opinions isn't selfish. That's why I'm asking in the first place. To see where other people lie on the issue.

The framing of their statement was rude (and inaccurate, as compromising on sex is a thing among many mixed-couples), but it underlines the point that Mysticus brought up. If you want a relationship with someone who will happily accept permanent celibacy to be with you, you have shrunk your dating pool down to a tiny, tiny demographic: other asexuals and allosexuals who have a weak enough sex drive that they can get by without sexlessness shredding their self-esteem and ability to be happy.

Go for it, if it's really what will make you happy. But prepare yourself for a lot of work.

[Sisky]

I took that sentence as "if you don't have sex with your partner and they have sex with soemone else, just suck it up". Whether you go for a polygamous relationship or not, it's not selfish at all to expect your partner to discuss these things with you first.

[Guest]

I took that sentence as "if you don't have sex with your partner and they have sex with soemone else, just suck it up". Whether you go for a polygamous relationship or not, it's not selfish at all to expect your partner to discuss these things with you first.

That's the core essence of free, informed consent, right there. :) And in the absence of that, no healthy and worthwhile relationship can exist - regardless of whether it's mono/closed or poly/open.

[Philip027]

Never heard of that (not directly stated to me, anyway) and I can guarantee that anyone that did wouldn't be a friend to me.

And for the record, most of my closest friends do know by now that I'm ace.

If you are too myopic to care about someones basic human needs, you do not need to be in a relationship. Find an asexual to be with, or stop your bitching. Expecting someone else to without a basic biological need because of what you want is horrible.

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

[Sally]

No one else seems big enough to say it. You are incredibly selfish in your thinking. Your question is about "me", what about your partner? You don't seem to give a fly shit about them.

If you are too myopic to care about someones basic human needs, you do not need to be in a relationship. Find an sexual asexual to be with, or stop your bitching. Expecting someone else to do without freedom from sex a basic biological need because of what you want is horrible.

Do you deserve sex monogamy? Sure. Does your partner deserve to not have to have sex a sex life? You don't seem to care.

Fixed that for you. So do you agree with the proverbial shoe being on the other foot? No?

[HighDrive]

My take is very simple.

If your partners accepts you as an asexual for all the things you are and bring to the relationship, Why can't you accept him/her as a sexual for all the things he/she brings to the relationship?

What do you think you'd be missing? If the love bond is strong. It will remain strong.

You can ask your sexual partner to be monogamous, and he can accept if he loves you. But isn't that as unfair as him asking you to have sex just because you love him?

If it comes from him to be monogamous and be satisfied with abstinence or masturbation, then great. But don't just think about you.

[Guest]

The framing of their statement was rude (and inaccurate, as compromising on sex is a thing among many mixed-couples), but it underlines the point that Mysticus brought up. If you want a relationship with someone who will happily accept permanent celibacy to be with you, you have shrunk your dating pool down to a tiny, tiny demographic: other asexuals and allosexuals who have a weak enough sex drive that they can get by without sexlessness shredding their self-esteem and ability to be happy.

Go for it, if it's really what will make you happy. But prepare yourself for a lot of work.

Well if it's a choice between putting the work in or having to have sex or having to be forced into a polyamorous situation when you aren't emotionally capable of that, hell yeah it's worth putting the effort in to find someone who 1) is asexual or 2) *gasp* is actually willing to be celibate to be your monogamous partner. There actually are sexual people like that around. I personally will only be with asexuals as I don't personally want to force someone to be celibate who would rather be having sex, but that's just a personal thing. I will also settle for nothing less than total monogamy, end of. It just happens though that there are thousands and thousands of people on this site alone (let alone all the other ace websites) that I could potentially develop a relationship with (if I wasn't already taken) ..So.. it's really not that hard finding monogamous ace partners after all, if you put your mind to it.

No one else seems big enough to say it. You are incredibly selfish in your thinking. Your question is about "me", what about your partner? You don't seem to give a fly shit about them.

If you are too myopic to care about someones basic human needs, you do not need to be in a relationship. Find an asexual to be with, or stop your bitching. Expecting someone else to without a basic biological need because of what you want is horrible.

Do you deserve monogamy? Sure. Does your partner deserve a sex life? You don't seem to care.

Sex isn't a basic human need by the way. It's something that many humans desire, but not one will die without it (unless they commit suicide due to the lack of sex) .. If someone places that much importance on sex in relationships (as to view it as a "basic human need" comparable to food and water, which are basic human needs) then I shudder to think what would happen if their partner got too sick to actually have sex (which happens a lot) ..are they just going to leave their partner because their "basic human needs" are suddenly being denied? Seems like a great basis for a relationship.

Yes, sex is emotionally and physically important to many sexual people, but some people just go waaaaaay overboard on how much importance they place on it (when it gets to the point they are comparing sex to food and water). You seem to think no sexual person would be willing to compromise for love and just not have sex..Well. there are sexual people like that. You also seem to think anyone not willing to either give sex, or let their partner have sex with other people, is selfish and cruel to the extent that what they are doing can apparently (to you) be compared to denying their partner food or water, and that's just not the case. End of. Sex is not comparable to food and water, never has been and never will be. And on top of all that, I have seen hundreds of posts here by asexuals (and sexuals) where the ace feels so bad about not being able to have sex that they suggest their sexual partner has sex with others, and the sexual won't do that (for multiple reasons) ..So, it's not all black and white as you seem to think it is.

Regardless of all that, no one should ever be forced to do anything that will make them deeply unhappy. If it comes to forcing someone to do something that will literally make them miserable (whether that's forcing someone to allow their partner to have multiple sexual partners, or forcing someone to not have sex who literally cannot be happy without it, or forcing someone to have sex with you so you can be happy, or whatever) then it's obviously probably best if you both remain friends but go your separate ways and try to find more compatible partners.

When my loved one said it to me, it was like a kick in the gut. Why, just because I'm asexual, do I have to settle for a polygamous relationship? Am I not worth monogamy? All I wanted to ask them back was, "Would you be capable of doing that if you were in my shoes?

I won't ever compromise again. I will only have completely monogamous relationships with asexuals and I am more than happy with that. I am also spoiled for choice with the amount of PMs I get here wondering if I am single so yeah, there are certainly enough aces around looking for relationships for that whole aspect of things to not be too much of an issue if that's what you decide you want ^_^ No one should ever be forced into polyamory and/or an open relationship if that's not what they want, regardless of their sexual orientation. No one should be forced into monogamy either, if that's not what they want, regardless of their sexual orientation. It's just one of those situations where it comes to one person being utterly miserable so the other can be happy, it's probably best both partners go their separate ways to find happiness!

Oh and yes, I haven't been told that (the title of this thread) personally, but I have seen people online say it a lot. Some (sexual and asexual) people seem to think all sexual people would automatically want to fuck others if they can't get sex from their partner. Nope, certainly not all sexual people are like that.

[OutsideObserver]

The framing of their statement was rude (and inaccurate, as compromising on sex is a thing among many mixed-couples), but it underlines the point that Mysticus brought up. If you want a relationship with someone who will happily accept permanent celibacy to be with you, you have shrunk your dating pool down to a tiny, tiny demographic: other asexuals and allosexuals who have a weak enough sex drive that they can get by without sexlessness shredding their self-esteem and ability to be happy.

Go for it, if it's really what will make you happy. But prepare yourself for a lot of work.

Well if it's a choice between putting the work in or having to have sex or having to be forced into a polyamorous situation when you aren't emotionally capable of that, hell yeah it's worth putting the effort in to find someone who 1) is asexual or 2) *gasp* is actually willing to be celibate to be your monogamous partner. There actually are sexual people like that around. I personally will only be with asexuals as I don't personally want to force someone to be celibate who would rather be having sex, but that's just a personal thing. I will also settle for nothing less than total monogamy, end of. It just happens though that there are thousands and thousands of people on this site alone (let alone all the other ace websites) that I could potentially develop a relationship with (if I wasn't already taken) ..So.. it's really not that hard finding monogamous ace partners after all, if you put your mind to it.

The OP seems genuinely shocked and dismayed at the notion that a future partner she pursues wouldn't happily accept celibacy to be with her. She basically stated a variation on "If they really loved me, they'd be happy without sex!". I get that the sexuals on this board that remind people that sex is very important to a lot of people, and love doesn't conquer all, kinda come off as Debbie Downers to folks trying to stay positive. But if you honestly think an Ace that doesn't want sex in their relationship will not have a significantly harder time finding the right person for them than an allosexual who loves and wants sex, then I don't know what to tell you...

I am beginning to distance myself from my Ace female friend who I recently had to inform that her sex aversion makes any notion of me being her romantic partner a non-starter. She didn't want to compromise at all, including the option to not be monogamous. She still thinks I'm being an a-hole for not blithely accepting celibacy for her. I felt bad at first, but then I realized that she has never tried for one second to see things from my perspective. I am just suppose to adopt her values and have the relationship she wants us to have. I am beginning to not want to be her friend anymore.