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Is my boyfriend aromantic or just a sociopath


ArwenandLegolas

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ArwenandLegolas

Hi there every one. My boyfriend says he is aromantic, but my friends think he is behaving more like a sociopath and calling himself aromantic as a cover for just being flat out sadistic. We are both sexuals, so we don’t fight about sex, ever. It feels really weird to be on here actually.

He never compliments me and if he does he follows it up with something really mean about my physical appearance. He constantly asks me what I think of him and what I think of his poetry and his music and he gets very upset when I don’t tell him what he wants to hear, but whenever I say something spontaneous about how much I love him or how much I admire him, he shuts me up and tells me that I am over idealizing him. He laughs at all my ideas, because he is better educated than I am and he thinks I’m stupid. He even tore apart my blog post that I did not ask him to read and gave me a scathing critique that I did not ask for because “he is an English major and that’s his thing.” Whenever we have a fight about anything he says flat out verbally abuses me and he says I deserve it for making him feel attacked.

He has somehow “diagnosed” me with borderline personality disorder and says I need to make drama, which I don’t. I hate fighting and all that goes with it. I have a fear of abandonment and he knows that and so when he is away he will ignore my emails until I panic and then laugh at me for being worried about him. He is an atheist and I am a theist and he will pretend to take an interest in my faith and then when I tell him about my beliefs he will tell me how much he wants to believe in the supernatural but I have disappointed him yet again with my inane crap. Whenever I call him on the phone he never answers and he refuses to listen to my voice mail messages, but if I don’t answer the phone when he calls he assumes I am going to leave him. He never tells me where he is going and he disappears for days and I have no clue where he is half the time, but I am expected to report my whereabouts regularly or if I don’t he is calling and emailing and freaking out.

We always have to listen to his music which is Marilyn Manson and Nirvana mostly and Blutengel and NEVER am I allowed to listen to my music when we are together. Same goes for movies, we have to watch graphic violence all the time and never anything inspiring.

He never does anything sweet or thoughtful for me, but he loves it when I do for him because he says I am giving him the respect he deserves. I told him how much it means to me when he sends me music videos to watch even if they are not my taste and he immediately stopped sending them. The closest thing to something romantic that we do is that I sit very still and don’t speak and listen to him talk about his problems and then he tells me that he trusts me and that I’ve done a good job listening.

Oh yeah and one more thing. He wants me to pray to him. He says all prayer is useless anyway and he would like it if I just prayed to him.

Obviously the prayer thing is over the top, but what about the rest of it. Whenever I confront him, first he blows up and tells me I’m a horrible borderline making drama and then he claims that he is aromantic. Is this what passes for aromantic around here?

Sorry this post is so long, but I wanted to fully describe his behavior.

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*killer*queen*

I'm sorry...but why are you still with him? It doesn't matter what label would fit him. He's abusive. Period. There are so many red flags in your post it's not funny.

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He may be aromantic or not, but in either case, he's an asshole. Honestly, get out of there, that shit is NOT healthy. A decent person will care about you, not actively hurt you.

Being aromantic doesn't mean you can't love other people, you just have no romantic interest in people. And even if someone really doesn't love anyone else, that still doesn't mean they're going to treat them like crap.

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He just seems flat out abusive to me. There's not much I can do to diagnose him with antisocial personality disorder (what sociopathy and psychopathy are in clinical terms) since there's a large list of things they'd have to meet, and also because I'm not a clinical psychologist and don't have the full knowledge or authority to claim he's such. Mostly you can tell from lack of empathy, though that's also characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder.

Aromantic doesn't mean being a jerk. He's clearly going out of his way to be mean to you and wants to control you and order you around.

Also, people with antisocial personality disorder don't necessarily act like that either. They lack empathy but can often fake it and pretend to care.

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WünderBâhr

No.

That is not what being aromantic means. It doesnt mean to be abusive, or rude, or a narcissist. It doesn't mean to put someone down or be cruel. It is a romantic identifier, not an excuse to be a horrible partner to someone who cares.

Instead of asking for a qualifier for aromanticism, maybe you should re-evaluate why it is okay for him to do those things, regardless of reason when they clearly upset you...

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Your boyfriend is abusive. I am not a psychiatrist, I cannot diagnose him with any personality disorders or mental illnesses, nor can I label him as aromantic since I am not him. However, whether he's mentally ill/aromantic/a unicorn/etc, it doesn't matter. What matters is that he is abusive and you should terminate this relationship and start No Contact (depending on where you live, this can be enforced by the law). I know how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship, but the sooner you leave him and have no contact with him the better and healthier you will feel.

Even if you had borderline personality disorder (again, I cannot diagnose you), he shouldn't be treating you this way. Even if he's an atheist and you're a theist, he shouldn't be treating you this way. You don't deserve this treatment. You are in an abusive relationship, and even if you aren't asexual, you're more than welcome here at AVEN and we can support you in any way we can. Take care and good luck :cake:

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ArwenandLegolas

Oh I have already decided to leave him and put all the wheels in motion. I am just in a waiting game right now. This post is revenge, because he is hideously secretive and he would lose his mind if he knew that I had said these things about him somewhere public. But I was curious about how aromantic is defined because romantic behavior is not as clear cut as sexual contact. Abuse is obviously not aromantic, but what is?

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WünderBâhr

We have a forum where people discuss Romantic and Aromantic Orientations, and you might want to check it out. I am what would be a romantic (sometimes hyper-romantic), so I wouldn't be a resource to tell you what the aromantic experience is like. But I am sure that there are others who could answer your question much better than I ever could. It's a good place to start, anyway. :)

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It sounds like you are dating someone with severe insecurity issues, possibly narcissitic personality disorder. Folks with NPD typically have a "God" complex, meaning they put themselves above everyone else, demand people follow their ideas (even if they're absurd), among other things. You have gone through severe abuse. I would say honestly cut the ties with him. If he tries to give you "but I love you so much" or some sob story, DO NOT fall for it, this is how they try to reel you back in.

An aromantic individual doesn't feel romantic attraction. They don't typically want flirts (kissing, holding hands, etc), romantic dates (picnics, movies, etc), or in general, just aren't interested in what's seen as "typical romance" (movies, tv shows, books, whatever your interpretation is).

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Yikes. There's no way to tell whether he's aromantic from that. I also doubt he's actually clinically sociopathic; he just sounds like the kind of douchey guy everybody knew in college and is glad they don't talk to anymore. All I can say from the info you've given is that he's abusive and toxic. Get the heck out of there and watch out for him.

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1) even if someone does have a mental condition it doesn't discredit their orientation

2) being sadistic and a sociopath are two different things (i would look up sociopath symptoms on a medical site because it's very misrepresented otherwise) but the praying thing does... sound sociopathic

If he doesn't feel romantically about anyone nor desires a romantic relationship then yes, he'd qualify as aromantic.

But yah, he's abusive, so dump him.

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Nea Rose Symphony

Whether he's aromantic or not has no bearing on his behavior towards you. Most aromantics aren't cold like this. I'm arospec yet I dislike hurting others in any way. An aromantic can be a sociopath, non aromantics can be too. And aromantics and non aromantics alike can have big hearts. Seems he could have a controlling personality. Demanding prayer to him makes it sounds like he's a narcissist

An aromantic who isn't a bully in a relationship with someone else would still treat the other as a close friend

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I see no need to add to the chorus of voices demonizing your boyfriend, or dare I say ex-boyfriend? You clearly know that his behavior is appalling and you have said that you doing what you can to leave him as quickly as possible. I just want to reassure you that you are not stupid for trying to love him. I know people on here sound shocked that you are not already gone, but having been through it, I can say there is no easy answer to abusive romances. I have no doubt that at one point in time he was exactly what you were looking for in a mate, or you would never have chosen him. Please whatever you do, do not add to his abuse by berating yourself for anything. You sound very loyal and loyalty is a beautiful quality. Please get yourself to safety and come hang out with us as an ally. I am glad you are curious and although I have no info to give about aromantics I hope you explore the site and find all the facts you need.

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Oh yeah and one more thing. He wants me to pray to him. He says all prayer is useless anyway and he would like it if I just prayed to him.

Obviously the prayer thing is over the top,

Oh, that ain't the only thing.

But I was curious about how aromantic is defined because romantic behavior is not as clear cut as sexual contact. Abuse is obviously not aromantic, but what is?

Really generally speaking, it means people don't ever give you that fluttery butterflies feeling in your stomach that one might associate with romantic feelings or infatuation. It doesn't mean you treat everyone like a dick, and it doesn't even necessarily mean that you're incapable of romance or romantic partnerships, just like asexuals are not incapable of sex. Some aromantics are actually really "in love" with the idea of being in love, even.

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He might be aromantic but his abusive behaviour is not ok.

I agree that there are way to many red flags in your relationship that should worry you.Maybe its time to question if this really is the relationship you want because despite the fact he may or may be aromantic he completely ignores and disrespects your feelings and that is not ok.

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ArwenandLegolas

Thanks everyone. I know my now ex boyfriend is an asshole, but leaving him was complicated because he has family and all of them are violent and they all start fights for each other. I have had to go to a shelter in another state, and not even my friends know where I am right now. Your support means so much to me. There was no where else I could go for a friendly word, since he checks all my other sites and harasses all my friends for news. Thank you for including me in AVEN even though I don't really belong. I will be an ally I guess. You are all so kind. There is going to be a court case because we owned a fair amount of stuff jointly. I will let you know how that shakes down.

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Good to hear you were able to get out. And everyone belongs here if they want to. :)

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Telecaster68

And there are plenty of bits of the forum you can go and just chill if you need some company.

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Thanks everyone. I know my now ex boyfriend is an asshole, but leaving him was complicated because he has family and all of them are violent and they all start fights for each other. I have had to go to a shelter in another state, and not even my friends know where I am right now. Your support means so much to me. There was no where else I could go for a friendly word, since he checks all my other sites and harasses all my friends for news. Thank you for including me in AVEN even though I don't really belong. I will be an ally I guess. You are all so kind. There is going to be a court case because we owned a fair amount of stuff jointly. I will let you know how that shakes down.

Dang, that whole situation sounds awful. :( Good luck on it all working out well for you, and stay safe! :cake:

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Thanks everyone. I know my now ex boyfriend is an asshole, but leaving him was complicated because he has family and all of them are violent and they all start fights for each other. I have had to go to a shelter in another state, and not even my friends know where I am right now. Your support means so much to me. There was no where else I could go for a friendly word, since he checks all my other sites and harasses all my friends for news. Thank you for including me in AVEN even though I don't really belong. I will be an ally I guess. You are all so kind. There is going to be a court case because we owned a fair amount of stuff jointly. I will let you know how that shakes down.

Your certainly welcome on Aven whether you're asexual or not.

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Fire & Rain

Thanks everyone. I know my now ex boyfriend is an asshole, but leaving him was complicated because he has family and all of them are violent and they all start fights for each other. I have had to go to a shelter in another state, and not even my friends know where I am right now. Your support means so much to me. There was no where else I could go for a friendly word, since he checks all my other sites and harasses all my friends for news. Thank you for including me in AVEN even though I don't really belong. I will be an ally I guess. You are all so kind. There is going to be a court case because we owned a fair amount of stuff jointly. I will let you know how that shakes down.

Dang, that whole situation sounds awful. :( Good luck on it all working out well for you, and stay safe! :cake:

Try to stay safe. You're always welcome here.

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ArwenandLegolas

Thanks you to everyone who posted. I promised you an update, and here it is. My father came to the rescue. I am at my parents' home and I am well out of harms way. The reason I did not go directly there in the first place is that I have been estranged from my father for many years. I am so happy to be reunited with him that I almost don't care about anything else. But just so you know I will now have legal representation for any court orders I need to request and a safe place to rebuild my life. I'm a daddy's girl. This is now officially a happy ending.

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I can't even imagine the strength it took for you to get out. Regardless of being out of harms way for now, I'd still recommend going to a lawyer/police and ask them what else should you do to protect yourself. It is important there is a precedent if he tries to do something, legal, financial or otherwise threatening. However, it really depends on your jurisdiction.

In addition, look for a therapist or counselor to talk to, even if you think you are alright. I was in the receiving end of (non physical) abuse and many years later I still have flashbacks of some emotional scars. You mention Fear of abandonment, I may have untreated separation anxiety so I know how it can make you fall in the same trap over and over. A therapist can also help with that too.

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Oh, and being a sociopath can be genetic, so that explains his relitives.

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Hermit Advocate

I'm glad you're safe.

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Glad to hear you're safe and that you got out of there. Just read your OP and it sounds painfully familiar. I'm always glad to hear about people who have had the strength to get up and get out. Good luck, hope you'll have a better time from here on. Take care.

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Koriander

sadly I think he's a sociopath, they lie and use many things to cover up what they are, that includes pretending to be Aromantic, or even have aspergers... They verbally abuse you. Just like he was doing.

Sociopaths actually often don't have much of a sexuality, they can be do and be how they want as long as it's usable for the person they are trying to emotionally kill/abuse.

I'm proud of you for leaving him, sociopaths exist and are like 1-7/100 people. Sadly. Explains many abusive relationships.

(I'm on a sociopath forum and people were often mentioning how the psycho/sociopaths chose whatever sexuality they need for each person or just didn't have much of a sexuality at all)

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