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He never told me and now deeply in love


Suzannas

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Thank you AVEN community for this site.

It's been tremendously helpful to read over forum topics this last week...helping me gain some understanding and perspective.

Six months ago I met a fella and we fell hard for each other. Neither of us was shopping for a relationship and at 61, it was like being hit by lightening.

Initially, we agreed to defer sex...I was never one to hop into a sexual relationship and appreciated his respect.

A couple months along, he became critically ill and I cared for him in his recovery for the following three months through a full recovery although it was a terrible hardship. By then, we were incredibly close. I had of course tabled any sexuality during those months, only focused on his survival.

He was able to fully recover, return to his home and work, etc. I had actually rather given up on the concept of romance, etc., by then. But he returned with a very clear intent of properly courting me and included me in every aspect of his daily life, planning dates, introducing me as his girlfriend. And all along affectionate, complimentary, kissing, long embraces, etc. I guess I should mention we had often shared a bed early on, sensuous but deferring sex.

So it became quite baffling to me that night after night, even when he made up excuses to stop by quite late, he literally ran for the door. Once, while I was in the bathroom!

I could only discern at that point, that he loved the support of our relationship. But not me, or wasn't really attracted to me. (We're actually both pretty attractive). It really made me feel quite awful, rejected and I felt manipulated and used. And I believe, was rightfully quite upset and subsequently told him he should stay away.

So what happens, when two people love each other terribly, is there's some back and forth. Confusing mixed messages. Hurt. And finally, maybe some truth.

It was never me. It's this asexual thing. Not that I wasn't familiar with the term. But his behavior from the beginning never indicated this identity and he certainly never gave me choices. All he's told me yet is he will never be able to meet my needs, and depending on the degree this is my limitation, makes him not convinced we can continue in our special friendship.

So we are to have a sit down and discuss later this week. And I am terrified. And sad. And miss him every minute of the day.

It's not that I'm a highly sexual person. But I frankly can't say sign me up that you'll not have that pleasure again. It's that I feel I was never given a choice. That he was deceptive I fear has broken my capacity to fully trust.

I recognize in my age class, there are many people that experience dysfunction and that is a different matter.

I feel silly in a way. Having been objectified sexually my whole life, pushing away men who wouldn't take time to know me, etc. The irony. I guess ill get to know more in a few days. Just trying to get my bearings.

It's important to me to not hurt him. And I would be very sad to lose his friendship. But I'm not sure whether there's any path to a future.

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The Not So Impossible Girl

I disagree with damage_case. There is a lot of heart in this post, from my perspective.

People make a lot of mistakes out of fear. Seems to me that happens to a lot of people, asexual or not. We get so afraid of being rejected for who we are that we hide things from the people we care about. Fear is a very natural emotion, but it's still difficult for the human race to use it effectively nowadays, since fear is not longer just about "ah! There is a large cat trying to kill me!" kind of stuff.

Certainly, platonic relationships can be extremely satisfying and fulfilling, if that's the path you want to continue down, but it all depends on his comfort level. If he doesn't think he's comfortable with remaining friends with you after rejection, then he's uncomfortable and there's no need to assign blame to either him or you. That's his choice and doesn't reflect on you at all. It's always good to be honest about expectations and what you are comfortable with Peeps just be tryin' to do what's best for themselves. ^_^

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I would sit down and have a deep talk about this. Did he know from the beginning he was asexual? Has he always been this way? Is this something that has happened since his illness (which, some people do lose all sexual desire after certain health issues... it's not the same as ace from birth, but some do identify with the label after that)?

If he knew all along and never told you, I can totally understand you not being able to trust him after that. That is not cool. We recommend telling someone around the 2nd date, way before love or relationship ever begins. Though, he could have been afraid, that is no excuse for not being honest.

As for if you can overcome the mistrust and lack of sex, that is up to you two. Talk. Figure out what you both want. And see if there is any way to salvage the friendship and/or relationship. But, if not, there is no shame in saying you can't.

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Thank you for your commentary. I believe that this asexuality has been a lifestyle for him for many years and possibly underlying some of his relationship tragedies into his forties. Although he did father two children with two women, one a wife and another during an affair, both relationships ended catastrophically.

I appreciate the perspective of informing someone you are interested in early on. However, I'm suspect that is possibly not very successful in procuring long term companionship.

I recall now how he sometimes referred to himself as broken and how pure our love was. But I thought the references were more situational with his illness.

I don't consider asexuality as broken, but have read people self describe as such in their path of self discovery.

Personally, I have always felt that sex is a small fraction of the whole in successful relationships and that society places way too much emphasis and distortion. However, I suppose that small fraction of time spent actually having sex can impact a relationship overall if a couple are at odds in needs and expectations.

So I await what clarity he can provide and then hopefully we can freely, openly and honestly communicate. And then determine how our love and friendship translates into what type of relationship we maintain or grow.

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Thank you for your commentary. I believe that this asexuality has been a lifestyle for him for many years and possibly underlying some of his relationship tragedies into his forties. Although he did father two children with two women, one a wife and another during an affair, both relationships ended catastrophically.

I appreciate the perspective of informing someone you are interpreted in early on. However, I'm suspect that is possibly not very successful in procuring long term companionship.

I recall now how he sometimes referred to himself as broken and how pure our love was. But I thought the references were more situational with his illness.

I don't consider asexuality as broken, but have read people self describe as such in their path of self discovery.

Personally, I have always felt that sex is a small fraction of the whole in successful relationships and that society places way too much emphasis and distortion. However, I suppose that small fraction of time spent actually having sex can impact a relationship overall if a couple are at odds in needs and expectations.

So I await what clarity he can provide and then hopefully we can freely, openly and honestly communicate. And then determine how our love and friendship translates into what type of relationship we maintain or grow.

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I appreciate the perspective of informing someone you are interested in early on. However, I'm suspect that is possibly not very successful in procuring long term companionship.

It cuts your choices down, but it's better, imo to find someone compatible than to be in a mixed relationship where the person feels betrayed from the omission. Personally, I have been in mixed relationships where the person didn't know (cause I didn't know yet that asexuality existed) and it's stressful on both sides. :(

I hope you two can figure this out after you discuss it. :cake:

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Well. Non sequitur.

He was thrilled to see me and wanted to keep things light. Nice forward and no negative so to speak.

I let him set the agenda. He referred to the incident that he felt I had asked/demanded everything or nothing. And as he's unable to give me everything, felt he would have to let me go.

I had placed us in a parking lot prior, so to speak. And although he lights up my mind and heart, I will let him set the limits. And accept his limits.

There's no sense wanting what cannot be. He seems content to have his life back whole and more prior to our meeting. He attributes all of that to my nurturing care. He was suicidal for years, avoiding issues.

Its good he is recovered so much mentally and physically. I celebrate that.

Who knows what the future brings, can't hurry it along.

Just live as lovingly and honestly as possible. We will always be friends. Which is very important and special. I confess, I was hoping for a life partner, etc. And that is not excluded. But we just cannot set agendas.

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UncommonNonsense

I'm 40. I grew up largely pre-internet, in a small town environment. And I was one of the lucky ones, because I was an early adopter of the 'net and was online by 1996. Still, I didn't find out about asexuality until I was in my mid/late 20s, after a slew of relationship disasters and some sexual assaults. I never would have discovered that this term described me if I hadn't been an avid online news reader. One random article about asexuality in an online version of a major newspaper gave me information I'd really needed all my life.

Unfortunately, the sex ed we got barely even touched on homosexual relationships (and it did so only to demonize them). The idea that some people didn't experience sexual desire/attraction/needs was so new that it was only mentioned in post-grad psychology courses. A layperson like myself would never have been exposed to it had the internet not opened up huge informational resources for me. And I'd have been flailing along trying to make relationships work, without a huge chunk of vital info.

Even now, there are a lot of people, especially my age and older, who aren't online. Asexuality is still unusual enough that mainstream broadsheet newspapers and television news shows rarely, if ever, mention it. How is someone who isn't online, isn't a news junkie, going to find out about it? Most won't. And if they do, it may take years for them to be comfortable adopting it into their identity... especially men, who are socialized to be macho, highly sexual. Some men may even feel that admitting it to a partner is a huge blow to their masculinity.

This stuff is hugely complicated... information is still hard to come by for people who aren't comfortable online. This term, asexuality, may still be pretty new to him, despite having felt this way all his life. His illness itself may have him feeling particularly vulnerable already, and talking about something else that makes him feel vulnerable is just a bit too hard right now. Obviously, I don't know him, but I have been a caregiver for my mother after her own major, life threatening illness and 6 month hospitalization, and when she finally came home, she couldn't speak of things that made her feel vulnerable for almost a year, and 3 years on, it still isn't easy for her.

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