delete

[Sally]

Your wife seems to be pretty clear in her communications, sadly.

I don't feel she can be 'bothered' enough by it, since she says I am the one with the problem. It truly breaks my heart.

Again, it sounds like it's time for you to make a decision about your marriage. If such a deep difference exists and you are so despairing, what is the point?

You are 40, yes -- but next year you will be 41. How long do you want to be unhappy?

[Telecaster68]

it sounds like it's time for you to make a decision about your marriage

Equally, it's time for her wife to make a decision. She thinks her spouse is a disgusting sex addict - maybe she should grasp the nettle too.

[brinntache]

i am married to an asexual, so I know where you are at. I think a lot of asexuals out there identify as sexual, be it hetero or homo. They consider whatever amount of sex they want as to be normal, and have real difficulty understanding higher levels of desire, and how physical contact and emotional connection are so intertwined.

For a sexual and an asexual to make a go of it there needs to be understanding and compromise. A sexual needs sexual connection, either through sex as a (happily given) gift or sex with an outside partner.

It sounds like you are getting none of this, and after five years you know she isn't going to change. So either stay the course and be unhappy, find an outside partner for the sex, or leave altogether. Please don't choose unhappiness.

[Sally]

it sounds like it's time for you to make a decision about your marriage

Equally, it's time for her wife to make a decision. She thinks her spouse is a disgusting sex addict - maybe she should grasp the nettle too.

But her wife didn't post on AVEN asking for help.

[Telecaster68]

True. But it doesn't rob her of agency. She can make a decision without consulting AVEN. She just doesn't see there's a problem, which is a problem in itself for the OP.

[leo0808]

Well, in order to open the lines of communication, I decided to write her a letter. That way she can read it at her leisure, refer back to it if she needs too, and take the time she needs. And it is better for me, because there won't be me getting upset and her blowing me off. In the letter I took into consideration what she is going through and her feelings as an Asexual, and I also layed out my feelings and what I am going through as a Sexual. Then I lined out the 3 possible outcomes to our situation - none of which are ideal to either of us, unfortunately. :(

I wrote her the letter two days ago. I know she read it. But as of yet, no response about it specifically. It seems now we are just ignoring the elephant in the room and making small talk/day to day chatter. I told her I would give her a couple weeks to think about things, and to work things out in her head. So I guess we will see what happens.

[Telecaster68]

I guess if it's clear she's just trying to ignore it, period, you could propose a specific time to discuss what was in your letter, a few days later. That way she'd have time to read it, but know it couldn't just be whacked out into the long grass (where it will hit the elephant...)...

[leo0808]

I want to give her a fair amount of time and not pressure her. I will give her two weeks. That should be sufficient amount of time to get her head together, do some research - if she wants, and then talk to me about it.

My kid will be with her other mom for several days after the two week mark is up, so there is no reason why we can't talk about it then while the kid is gone.

[Telecaster68]

Patience is a good thing. But from what you've said, I think she might well just try to ignore it; and then when you suggest a Talk, you'll get 'oh but I haven't read it yet, give me a few more days'... probably several times. So it sounds pinning her down to a point in a couple of weeks' time will (a) make it real and (b) give her plenty of time so that if she still hasn't managed to read it, you'll know she's choosing not to.