Sexual Compromise - would you do it again? (Possible TMI)

[champagnerain]

Up until recently, I only had sex I once or twice every couple of years. This was before I identified as ace, and though I always knew that I wasn't as interested in sex or relationships as my peers, I always thought that sex was a thing I was "supposed" to do. Most of my sexual encounters did leave me feeling grossed out/embarrassed, but for a long time, I thought it was just due to being bashful about sex and inexperienced. Though I never really "enjoyed" sex, I never particularly disliked it. There were even certain acts I thought I particularly "enjoyed" (kissing being one), but ever since I've been doing it on a regular basis, I've found that I'm neutral or even a little averse. What I realized was that I'd subconsciously decided I "liked" certain activities because they were less objectionable than others.

Before I got into my current relationship, I made it very clear to my partner that sex might be off the table forever because I didn't want to get his hopes up. Subconsciously, though, I was pretty sure I could compromise. I still thought part of the reason I hadn't ever enjoyed sex particularly was because my partners were inexperienced and/or I hadn't known them that well and/or I'd been pressured into it. Part of me still thought that if I had "good" sex I'd be more interested - or that perhaps I was demi, and when I met the right person, it would all be fine and dandy.

And sex in my current relationship is awesome by a lot of people's standards. It feels good, and I have an orgasm nearly 100% of the time, which I understand isn't necessarily common among female-bodied people. But instead or warming up to the idea, I've found increased exposure has had the opposite effect.

I wouldn't call myself sex averse necessarily...more like sex neutral with a twinge of sex aversion. I'm willing to continue to compromise on the sex issue, but I've recently found myself thinking, "If my partner and I ever break up, I don't think I'll ever want to compromise again." I started to get this feeling that I've regarded sex like a food item I don't particularly like - after awhile, I start to think, "It wasn't really that bad, right?" and because I went so long between sexual encounters, I kept mentally convincing myself that I didn't really dislike it as much as I'd thought at the time, because obviously I should want sex, right?

So my question is - for aces who are sexually compromising now, or have in the past, would you do it again in the future? If you've had more than one relationship in which you've sexually compromised, why did you decide to enter a new relationship that would require compromise?

[Amedot]

No, I'm never compromising again. My relationships will never be based on my partner's sexual fulfillment. If I ever have sex again, it'll be because I enthusiastically consent to it, not because my partner begs me for it. I've gone a couple years without sex and I'm pretty content with it.

[champagnerain]

I probably would not compromise in the long-term. I'd imagine I might confuse a partner because kind of at the beginning of a relationship, I'm somewhat more open to occasional sex, but in the long run... meh, not really. (And I'd be upfront about that; at this point, knowing myself, I wouldn't pretend that things were going to be like a more normal relationship because that would be deceptive.) I actually don't think I would even be as open to the idea of sex as I was in the past, though... it's just kind of a "been there, done that, don't want to bother very often anymore" thing now.

I'm probably technically grey-a if that matters to you btw, although I don't really bother with such labels.

I was more open to it in the beginning, too, but it has been years since I was in a relationship that involved/required sex, and that one soured pretty quickly, so I never had to deal with the long term until now.

I just wish I had known that I'd become less open to it over time so I could have been upfront about it too. Now I just feel like I've set a bad precedent/created false expectations if I decide I'm only able to compromise much more rarely.

[Starlit Sky]

I'll start off by saying that I've never had sex and I haven't been in a relationship where I've needed to compromise, but I think I might know what your problem is. I realize that you weren't actually asking for advice, but hopefully you don't mind me giving some (as it's directly related to my answer, anyway). ^_^

I realize it's not the ideal for any allosexual (unless maybe they have a very low libido), but if I'm being honest then having sex (and I want to emphasize penetration here, because I think I'd be more open to doing other things) about once every two months is most likely as frequent as I will ever want to go. It's not even necessarily because sex is sex and I'm an asexual, but more because I know how I am and I know good and well that if I had sex even just once a month it would be way too easy for me to think of it in the same way I think of my period: something that happens once a month that is really, really lame. In fact, the more it would happen the more I'd be likely to absolutely resent it, because I wouldn't have to have sex. I don't have a choice in my cycle, but I've got a choice in whether or not my boyfriend and I do the do.

I don't want to hate sex, but if it happened too often then I know I would start to. If I hated sex, I can't see me wanting to keep doing it.

I just wish I had known that I'd become less open to it over time so I could have been upfront about it too. Now I just feel like I've set a bad precedent/created false expectations if I decide I'm only able to compromise much more rarely.

It's important for you to know that you haven't pulled a shitty move. You were never knowingly being deceptive. I say this because it's also important that he understands this. Just like with anything else in a relationship, communication is key.

I strongly suggest that you have a talk with your guy. Explain that your "mild aversion" to sex has nothing to do with him (and by the way, it would probably help in your favor at least a tiny bit if you told him that he's great at it. I mean, whatever happens, compliments are nice, right?). Be sure to tell him that you didn't realize that you would eventually start dreading sex. I'm a bit of a psychology nerd myself, and I can (almost--I don't know for sure!) ensure you that if you keep going you will become totally sex-averse, which wouldn't be good for the relationship. You can explain that you are worried about that happening (well, if you are in the first place), and if you do you can tell him that you think it would really suck to hate something that he loves/enjoys/needs. Finally, you can tell him that you are willing/able to have sex in the future, but it won't be as frequent as before. You also might need a bit of a break from it, for the time being, but that is, of course, up to you.

Aaand that's my bit of advice. You were probably going to do this anyway, but hopefully this helps a bit!

[Guest]

I only "compromised" in the past because I didn't realize there was another choice. It wasn't "compromising" though, it was just "giving sex because I thought I had to"

No I won't compromise again (not sexually anyway). I will only ever be with asexuals now and in the future, so there won't ever be any pressure for me to have sex again anyway. ^_^

[champagnerain]

I strongly suggest that you have a talk with your guy. Explain that your "mild aversion" to sex has nothing to do with him (and by the way, it would probably help in your favor at least a tiny bit if you told him that he's great at it. I mean, whatever happens, compliments are nice, right?). Be sure to tell him that you didn't realize that you would eventually start dreading sex. I'm a bit of a psychology nerd myself, and I can (almost--I don't know for sure!) ensure you that if you keep going you will become totally sex-averse, which wouldn't be good for the relationship. You can explain that you are worried about that happening (well, if you are in the first place), and if you do you can tell him that you think it would really suck to hate something that he loves/enjoys/needs. Finally, you can tell him that you are willing/able to have sex in the future, but it won't be as frequent as before. You also might need a bit of a break from it, for the time being, but that is, of course, up to you.

I've had part of this conversation with him, and as a result he's sort of backed off from the things I find myself disliking more and defaulting to the acts that I am more open to, which I appreciate. He still doesn't quite seem to "get" it, though - which I understand, as it's hard to wrap your mind around something that is not only outside your experience, but completely antithetical to it.

The other day, he asked to have sex and I agreed, probably without a large amount of enthusiasm, and he just stopped, looked at me, and said, "You really don't ever desire it, do you?" I think he just realized for real that this thing that is totally out of his realm of imagination - someone not desiring sex?! - is actually a real thing. Not that I'd never told him, but I just don't think it had ever totally sunk in.

[Sally]

I just wish I had known that I'd become less open to it over time so I could have been upfront about it too. Now I just feel like I've set a bad precedent/created false expectations if I decide I'm only able to compromise much more rarely.

I think probably everyone who had sex to please someone else and thought they'd get used to it and maybe like it more -- didn't. It's just something that doesn't get any better the more you make yourself have it. It just gets ickier.

But unfortunately, there's no way for us to know that ahead of time. So we're not giving false expectations; we're just doing the best we can as time goes on.

[Guest]

Personally, no, I won't do it again. I am OK with sex at first, but the more I do it, the more I don't want to do it. Eventually, I know I can't. So, there is no point in even starting.

[IntrovertedBuddhist]

Nope, not doing it again. Someday I'll find a nice ace girl, who can match or exceed my crazy to settle down with :D

[binary suns]

No I don't think I'll compromise again.

[Telecaster68]

I just wish I had known that I'd become less open to it over time so I could have been upfront about it too. Now I just feel like I've set a bad precedent/created false expectations if I decide I'm only able to compromise much more rarely.

I think probably everyone who had sex to please someone else and thought they'd get used to it and maybe like it more -- didn't. It's just something that doesn't get any better the more you make yourself have it. It just gets ickier.

But unfortunately, there's no way for us to know that ahead of time. So we're not giving false expectations; we're just doing the best we can as time goes on.

Absolutely, if that person is asexual. I've seen quite a few stories from people (on reddit and the like) who've done the 'fake it till you make it' and became far more sexual - turns out for one reason or another they had a really low libido, and then all the neural pathways stuff, habit, etc. kicked in and it increased. Obviously that means in their case, they weren't asexual, but it seems difficult to tell the difference sometimes about exactly what's going on with not wanting to have sex.

[Busrider]

Considering that I am unlikely to end in a marriage like thing near home, I would try compromising again. - Its been several years since the last time, I'm feeling really indifferent and am recalling enjoyable other kinds of intimacy.

Near home I'd focus more on quick honest disappointment.

[gracious]

I strongly suggest that you have a talk with your guy. Explain that your "mild aversion" to sex has nothing to do with him (and by the way, it would probably help in your favor at least a tiny bit if you told him that he's great at it. I mean, whatever happens, compliments are nice, right?). Be sure to tell him that you didn't realize that you would eventually start dreading sex. I'm a bit of a psychology nerd myself, and I can (almost--I don't know for sure!) ensure you that if you keep going you will become totally sex-averse, which wouldn't be good for the relationship. You can explain that you are worried about that happening (well, if you are in the first place), and if you do you can tell him that you think it would really suck to hate something that he loves/enjoys/needs. Finally, you can tell him that you are willing/able to have sex in the future, but it won't be as frequent as before. You also might need a bit of a break from it, for the time being, but that is, of course, up to you.

I've had part of this conversation with him, and as a result he's sort of backed off from the things I find myself disliking more and defaulting to the acts that I am more open to, which I appreciate. He still doesn't quite seem to "get" it, though - which I understand, as it's hard to wrap your mind around something that is not only outside your experience, but completely antithetical to it.

The other day, he asked to have sex and I agreed, probably without a large amount of enthusiasm, and he just stopped, looked at me, and said, "You really don't ever desire it, do you?" I think he just realized for real that this thing that is totally out of his realm of imagination - someone not desiring sex?! - is actually a real thing. Not that I'd never told him, but I just don't think it had ever totally sunk in.

I just wanted to comment briefly on that moment of realization of "You really don't ever desire it, do you?" That kind of struck a chord with me because I've had similar experiences where I try to explain to people that I'm demisexual, and they seem to take a long time to actually get it. I've been wondering if it's partly me and how I explain things - I tend to not show a lot of emotion, so I think sometimes people don't realize when things are important to me. But I think maybe you're right that part of it is just that it's hard for allosexual people to really understand that someone could really just not be interested in sex most of the time.

[idekrncidc231]

Ne.Ve.R! It was ... You get into the feeling. Then feel like breaking down crying afterwards. Want it to end before even an quarter way in. It's pure torture, yet I'd personally take torture or a beating. It is gross and *shudders* makes me feel gross and horrid. So I WILL NOT. EVER AGAIN. T.T I'm going to go cry in a corner now.

[aceghost]

I'm still pretty fucked up from my last relationship (which ended with her leaving me for another woman over my inability to meet her needs sexually, so... ouch! :/) but I'd like to think that for the right person, I could someday regain the trust necessary to feel vulnerable enough to try sex again. There is a particular level of emotional intimacy in opening yourself up to someone like that that literal "Netflix and chill" doesn't provide.

[Guest]

Within in the very strict limits that I did so before, yes, I would. (I'm fully aware that these limits are too strict for many sexuals to want to bother with, though. I've heard women say more than once to me that they can't be content with "only foreplay"... and in the six-year relationship I had, there was simply no sex at all, because there was no compatibility for us on this area.)

Outside of these limits... I never compromised, and never will. Fully intending to still be a virgin when the Grim Reaper picks me up, TYVM. :)