Deception in Dating

[Galactic Turtle]

There is a huge difference between someone joining a gang and someone not having a boyfriend. My family cuts off ties with people too, if they are drug dealers or various other "low" elements that become dangerous. Simply being different should never be a reason to cut off your children though and if it is, well... then I would question your family caring about you. Not wanting a boyfriend right now should never be a reason to be cut off from your family in a caring one.

Yes, in families where a lot of people go the bad route being more strict can happen. But, controlling still should not. It still should be your decision to do any of that. You do not want to be miserable and married to someone who needs something that you are repulsed by. So putting these deadlines on yourself, you're really worrying many of us that you're going to do things to hurt yourself just to seem "normal". :( And many of us have done that before, we pushed ourselves to be "normal" and we regretted it, it hurts and it's not fun. Spend 10 years having sex you do not want, even a non-repulsed person can become repulsed. I can't imagine the torture it would be on a repulsed person.

And yeah, you aren't sure if you're ace or not. That's OK. Being questioning is totally fine. Lots of people question their orientation. But, it's a self-discovery journey, not a "my family says" journey. You could overcome some of your past traumas and become less repulsed, you could find a boy you like and find out you're demi, whatever. All of it is acceptable. But it all has to come from you and not them . Or it's got potential to make your negative feelings on sex and stuff worse. Being assaulted takes ages to get past, being told it's your fault doesn't help the healing process. And being pressured to "get over it" and "be normal" doesn't either. :(

There's still people like my aunt though. Apparently she came to our Easter service once and my mom barely talked to her but she has always said how my aunt has claimed to have a boyfriend for over 20 years but no one has ever seen him and how she never went to college and was just strange in general. Even though my cousin is much worse than I am, all that stuff happened when we were 16 but he never got a second chance. His mom who has developmental issues did things when she was younger and she never got a second chance. I already haven't gone to the right school or studied the right subject. I've already spent years dressing more like a boy than a girl. All of this stuff that has popped up in conversation since I mentioned asexuality has made me realize how horribly off point I already am to some people so if I come home saying "hey, I'm in a romantic relationship with three people simultaneously and they all have sex with each other while I cover my ears and whistle to myself and it's great" or "hey, I'm in a QPR with my best friend and oh, by the way, she's a girl" then something terrible could happen. My parents love me and support me in their own way but I can't mess up with something like this. My mom met my dad when she was 23 and only had one boyfriend before that. She got married at 25 and had my sister but waited until she was 30 to have me and sometimes mentions how she wished she'd had me sooner but other than that and my "quirks", everything worked out fine. Her wedding dress fits me and everybody tells me how pretty I am so out of all the things I've gotten wrong, I just really want to get this right.

[The Not So Impossible Girl]

I think that if you're walking such a tight rope with your family like that, it would be a good idea to prepare for if/when something "goes wrong" and they do decide that they don't want to support you. Get your degree. Get a job. Make a stable circle or friends. Build a support network outside of your family. Get in a place where you can support yourself without them. Because to me, from what you are saying, it's pretty much inevitable that you will end up like your aunt. You can fake who you are for only a finite amount of time, but not forever. Something's going to give eventually.

The positive thing about all of this though, is that separating from your family can be extremely liberating. And it's an important part of growing up. One day, your parents aren't going to be around. They will depart from this plane of existence at some point. Then you'll look back on your life and think about all of the things you did, and all the decisions that you made just to make them happy. You might be content with some of those decisions, but others you might not. And you have to have control over the elements of your life that have a strong potential to outlast your parents (such as getting married to someone around your age).

I dunno, I want so desperately to become independent from my parents. Literally the last thing I have to do is graduate and get my own source of income. Then I would literally have no reason to talk to my parents ever, aside from "heeeyyy you created me". I really don't hate them at all. They're okay. I just really I want to build my own, new family out of people I choose to have in my life.

[Galactic Turtle]

I don't want that to happen. Anyways, all I need to do is get a boyfriend who isn't very touchy and is either too busy to care about sex or doesn't have much interest to begin with. Now I just know that people might not know what they're ok with from the very beginning so that's something to be cautious of.

[Telecaster68]

You know that's basically 1% of the population, don't you?

What looks more realistic - finding someone within that one percent, or managing your family's expectations?

[Galactic Turtle]

You know that's basically 1% of the population, don't you?

What looks more realistic - finding someone within that one percent, or managing your family's expectations?

It might be best to do what they want with the idea that they wouldn't ask me to do so much that I would be miserable.

[Telecaster68]

You don't sound too happy at the moment, to be honest.

[OutsideObserver]

You know that's basically 1% of the population, don't you?

What looks more realistic - finding someone within that one percent, or managing your family's expectations?

It might be best to do what they want with the idea that they wouldn't ask me to do so much that I would be miserable.

Who's "They"? Your family, or this prospective boyfriend will would try to get with to please your family?

[Sally]

The real problem is that dating requires two people, and not only will you not like everyone you see out in the world, not everyone you find will want to date (you). It isn't as simple as going to a store and buying something. Does your family intend to bring people to you that they think are appropriate for dating? You might ask them that, because otherwise you will be going to a lot of work for something that you really don't want. If they expect you to do that, they should do some work on it.

[Galactic Turtle]

You don't sound too happy at the moment, to be honest.

I'm stressed.

You know that's basically 1% of the population, don't you?

What looks more realistic - finding someone within that one percent, or managing your family's expectations?

It might be best to do what they want with the idea that they wouldn't ask me to do so much that I would be miserable.

Who's "They"? Your family, or this prospective boyfriend will would try to get with to please your family?

I meant my parents but both would be nice. ^_^

The real problem is that dating requires two people, and not only will you not like everyone you see out in the world, not everyone you find will want to date (you). It isn't as simple as going to a store and buying something. Does your family intend to bring people to you that they think are appropriate for dating? You might ask them that, because otherwise you will be going to a lot of work for something that you really don't want. If they expect you to do that, they should do some work on it.

My mom arranged a date for me a few weeks ago but I asked for that to not happen again so now it's up to me... kind of...

[Telecaster68]

You're stressed because of your family's expectations, from what I can see. Does that make you think they wouldn't make you do anything that would make you miserable?

[Galactic Turtle]

You're stressed because of your family's expectations, from what I can see. Does that make you think they wouldn't make you do anything that would make you miserable?

I don't think they would on purpose.

[Telecaster68]

How would it play out if you told them you're getting really stressed out by their expectations and could they please back off and let you handle it in your own way, in your own time?

[Galactic Turtle]

How would it play out if you told them you're getting really stressed out by their expectations and could they please back off and let you handle it in your own way, in your own time?

I did when I asked if they could not arrange any other dates for me and they said they wouldn't. Then this conversation happened not too long ago...

[Telecaster68]

That conversation sounds like the only people who have a problem with how you are, is your family. You're fine with it, no work problems. and they want to cram you into a box that isn't the right shape for you.

What would you say to a friend who described this kind of situation to you?

[The Not So Impossible Girl]

Okay, for real though. You're never going to be able to find someone who is willing to date you if you don't genuinely like them back (kinda getting back on topic about being deceitful). You gotta at least be friends to some extent. As Sally said, getting a boyfriend is not like buying milk from the super market. The person you are dating, and potentially marrying, has a choice in the matter, and needs to benefit from the arrangement somehow. For most people, that benefit is being loved by another person. Your goals have got to match up. If you're only dating for protection from your parents wrath, and not to love another person, but your date desires love from you, it's not very likely to work out. He'll want a really huge thing from you that cannot be bought or fabricated if it's not already there naturally, and you'll want something from him that is not his responsibility to give you in the dating stage.

So with that said, the place where you're going to have the most luck is looking for people in a similar situation as you. Someone who also needs to get their parents off their back, where you would mutually benefit from dating, but also not really care so much about the actual dating part. You could also be pretty good friends probably. I honestly think the best arrangement is one where both parties are getting essentially what they want. But that kind of dude would be difficult to find, since it's more socially acceptable for men to be disinterested in romance than women.

But jeez. Good luck with all this. You seem to be in a really stressful situation and I support you and want you to have control over your own life.

[Galactic Turtle]

That conversation sounds like the only people who have a problem with how you are, is your family. You're fine with it, no work problems. and they want to cram you into a box that isn't the right shape for you.

What would you say to a friend who described this kind of situation to you?

I don't know. @__@ But... I guess that's something to think about...

So with that said, the place where you're going to have the most luck is looking for people in a similar situation as you. Someone who also needs to get their parents off their back, where you would mutually benefit from dating, but also not really care so much about the actual dating part. You could also be pretty good friends probably. I honestly think the best arrangement is one where both parties are getting essentially what they want. But that kind of dude would be difficult to find, since it's more socially acceptable for men to be disinterested in romance than women.

Perhaps that's another trait I could look for. Thanks. ^_^

I'm actually talking to a person right now who studies aerospace engineering at Harvard. Now I just have to convince him that I'm not stupid and the long distance thing will make physical things not that much of a problem!

[The Not So Impossible Girl]

Intelligence is not required to be worthy of someone's affection. Be yo'self (with special emphasis on the things you like most about yourself). People like genuineness more than smarts most of the time (also on the topic of deceitfulness hahaha). There are plenty of smart people in the world. Not enough genuineness though.

[OutsideObserver]

Now I just have to convince him that I'm not stupid and the long distance thing will make physical things not that much of a problem!

For now. It will make it not a problem for now. But if you are planning to use this guy as a shield against your parents, they will want to meet him. He will want to meet you in person and, most likely, want to eventually make arrangements to end the long distance aspect as soon as possible. Then you get to start the process of dating a sexual male all over again.

Also, seeing as how insistent your parents are on you getting over your aversion to touch and sex, you might find them less than enthused that your long awaited for boyfriend is one you neither touch nor do anything else physical with.

Have you told this guy you don't really want sex yet? Will you, once you know him better or if a LDR actually springs up? I hope so, I wouldn't want to wait until my bags were packed and I was in a strange city before my new girlfriend told me "oh, btw, I hate sex.".

[Galactic Turtle]

Intelligence is not required to be worthy of someone's affection. Be yo'self (with special emphasis on the things you like most about yourself). People like genuineness more than smarts most of the time (also on the topic of deceitfulness hahaha). There are plenty of smart people in the world. Not enough genuineness though.

I shall! ^_^

Now I just have to convince him that I'm not stupid and the long distance thing will make physical things not that much of a problem!

For now. It will make it not a problem for now. But if you are planning to use this guy as a shield against your parents, they will want to meet him. He will want to meet you in person and, most likely, want to eventually make arrangements to end the long distance aspect as soon as possible. Then you get to start the process of dating a sexual male all over again.

Also, seeing as how insistent your parents are on you getting over your aversion to touch and sex, you might find them less than enthused that your long awaited for boyfriend is one you neither touch nor do anything else physical with.

Have you told this guy you don't really want sex yet? Will you, once you know him better or if a LDR actually springs up? I hope so, I wouldn't want to wait until my bags were packed and I was in a strange city before my new girlfriend told me "oh, btw, I hate sex.".

It says I'm asexual on my profile but it hasn't been mentioned yet...

[The Not So Impossible Girl]

When I first met the person I'm dating now, he didn't know I was asexual. At that time, we were only friends, and I was only pursuing friendship with him. Then, when it started becoming evident that he was probably getting a crush on me, I was like "woooaah I gotta tell him I'm asexual ASAP before he starts gettin' his hopes up". So I did, but it was really easy because I knew he already knew about asexuality through mutual friends of ours. And it didn't phase him at aaaalll hahaha. He was just like, "mmmkay, good to know". Then I started to like him, because he was so comfy and accepting. ^_^

About a month into the relationship though, I spent a night at his house to try out sleeping in a bed together and stuff. I also took it as an opportunity to check in on the relationship and see if he was still okay with not having sex with me, because I am very acutely aware of the importance of sex to many people, how feelings can change, people overestimating or underestimating their needs, etc. He was not still okay. It was a strange experience for me because he got quite emotional and I was like "aaaah is this because of meeee?" But yes, we settled on having our relationship be open to becoming poly, and he said it took a huge weight off his shoulders. I guess it made him feel better to know that he doesn't have to force himself to be celibate against his nature just to be in a relationship with me. And I'm just like, "Nah, bro. Have crushes. Ask people on dates. Go wild. Just, also cuddle with me please"

What is my purpose for saying all of this? I think that you'll always "be in the process of dating a sexual male all over again" if you're dating a sexual male at all xD. Doesn't matter if you disclose your disinterest in sex early or not. Feelings and situations can change for various reasons, and it can feel like having to start all over again. I feel like periodic check ins are necessary, because you can't assume that what someone said 2 months ago is still going to be true today. It's similar to the logic of consent, I suppose. Just because someone consented to have sex with you once in the past, doesn't give you permission to have sex with them whenever you want. And conversely, just because someone says their okay not having sex, doesn't mean that will be true forever either. It doesn't hurt to double check every once in a while.

I keep writing so much... I'm just really invested in this topic now

[Amedot]

I really relate to a lot of what you've been saying, about family... I mean, I'm white and non-religious, and none of my cousins are gang members, but I mean in terms of how family gossips about things... My family has gossiped about my orientation, how I dress, my weird mannerisms, etc... It still bothers me, but when I was younger it was really overwhelming and applied a lot of pressure onto me to be "normal." What really helped me was accepting that I cannot control what they think of me. If your family is so hypercritical they will gossip about how you dress, or your mannerisms, or your orientation, it sounds like they're always going to have something to complain about. You might as well be happy with who you are and do what makes you comfortable. You cannot control how other people perceive you.

Being true to yourself is difficult, being independent from family is difficult, standing up to others is difficult... but it's the difficult things in life that push us towards self growth, it's just apart of life. And I think you'll find being true to yourself to be a lot less difficult than forcing yourself into a relationship that you do not want.

[Galactic Turtle]

What is my purpose for saying all of this? I think that you'll always "be in the process of dating a sexual male all over again" if you're dating a sexual male at all xD. Doesn't matter if you disclose your disinterest in sex early or not. Feelings and situations can change for various reasons, and it can feel like having to start all over again. I feel like periodic check ins are necessary, because you can't assume that what someone said 2 months ago is still going to be true today. It's similar to the logic of consent, I suppose. Just because someone consented to have sex with you once in the past, doesn't give you permission to have sex with them whenever you want. And conversely, just because someone says their okay not having sex, doesn't mean that will be true forever either. It doesn't hurt to double check every once in a while.

I keep writing so much... I'm just really invested in this topic now

It's fine. ^_^ You make a lot of good points. I'm still not exactly sure how relationships are supposed to work usually mostly because all my friends talk about is the sex or complain if their boyfriends don't text them back within the hour... and my parents are married so their relationship isn't what mine would be like just starting out...

I really relate to a lot of what you've been saying, about family... I mean, I'm white and non-religious, and none of my cousins are gang members, but I mean in terms of how family gossips about things... My family has gossiped about my orientation, how I dress, my weird mannerisms, etc... It still bothers me, but when I was younger it was really overwhelming and applied a lot of pressure onto me to be "normal." What really helped me was accepting that I cannot control what they think of me. If your family is so hypercritical they will gossip about how you dress, or your mannerisms, or your orientation, it sounds like they're always going to have something to complain about. You might as well be happy with who you are and do what makes you comfortable. You cannot control how other people perceive you.

Being true to yourself is difficult, being independent from family is difficult, standing up to others is difficult... but it's the difficult things in life that push us towards self growth, it's just apart of life. And I think you'll find being true to yourself to be a lot less difficult than forcing yourself into a relationship that you do not want.

I just want everything to work out in the end. I feel bad because bringing up asexuality in the first place put a lot more tension on things than there was before. I wish I never mentioned it most days.

[aeimquy159]

On 4/21/2016 at 7:37 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

Hello humans!

So this is a pretty random question but something I had pondered before I knew that asexuality existed. At the time I made an online dating profile on OkCupid because my friend was like "at least make an effort to not be a complete shut-in." One of the first questions you have to answer on that website is how often you expect to have sex ranging from once a day to once a month or less. This was before I knew how often the average person had sex so once a month still seemed like a lot to me. As a comment on the question I put "No sex for the first three years. After that, 3-4 times a year." Even typing "3-4 times a year" seemed like a lot to me because at that point all I knew was that I didn't want to have sex ever but my friend said that I had to so that was my negotiated rate.

Judging by the people who messaged me, they obviously didn't look at that question. I even put on my profile that I was "extremely prude." Nevertheless I did get into a conversation with one person who seemed nice so I told him that I wasn't comfortable with a relationship becoming sexual for a long time and when I defined "a long time" as three years he just kind of brushed that aside and said "we'll see." Then I said that I don't like it when people touch me and after a long conversation that lowered his expectation of touch from "kiss" down to "handshake" he just said "ok that's fine."

It caught me off guard because no one I'd ever talked to on there had said that before. Most either ended the conversation or accused me of being on some type of feminist agenda. The main reason why I stopped messaging this person in particular was (aside from not actually wanting to date anyone) because I thought he was lying in the sense that he says that no sex and no touch is ok but what will happen if we actually meet? I'm used to people blowing up at me over the internet but in real life it seemed like it could put me in a dangerous situation. This thought was fueled by the dozens of questions he asked regarding why I wasn't ok with touch or sex.

So pretty much... my question is:

In dating, after explaining your lack of desire for sex or stating that you were asexual, has the person you ended up meeting ever lied about being ok with not having a sexual component to a relationship perhaps assuming that you would change your mind?

You tell a guy "No sex for the first three years" he sees a challenge. There's a prevailing mentality among men that if you didn't like sex before you will with them. He probably thought that you were honest in your profile until you met him and somehow you would be so swooned your pants would magically fall off or whatever turtles wear.